🚀 go-pugleaf

CARPE DIEM: Their bible instructs alien acolytes on the basics of worship, including the use of
something called "the remote."

By HOLLY ELISE - Religion Correspondent, Boston, Mass.

WEEKLY World News sources have confirmed that a professor at Webster University -- the birthplace
of the world-famous English dictionary -- is in possession of a book that was printed on another
world. What's more, the thick volume isn't a cookbook.

"It's an alien bible," said 41- year-old linguistics professor, Dr. Emmanuel Johnson, whose skill
with foreign languages has earned him the nickname "Magic." "And wait till you hear who their god
is!"

The book was discovered by construction workers who were on their lunch break at the 'Big Dig,' the
city's new interstate tunnel. While the workers watched TV, the foreman was crushing soda cans
against his massive forehead. When he ran out of them, he looked for something else to prove he was
a hardhead as well as a hardhat. That was when he saw a large container half-buried in the earth.
He dug it out, struck it hard against his brow and passed out. The vessel was unharmed but one of
the workers spotted strange writing on the outside. Dr. Johnson was summoned along with paramedics.

"The first thing I noticed was that the markings were not the petroglyphs of Native Americans," Dr.
Johnson said. "There were numbers and mathematical signs. One of them almost looked like the
letters UPN and NBC. If I didn't know better I'd have sworn they were a TV schedule."

The professor looked around the site before he left. "I found other remnants of an alien presence,"
he said, "including luggage and what looked like a door with a little diagram. I suspect that what
the 'Big Dig' crew had found was the remains of an alien outpost or motel on ancient earth."

Back in his library, Dr. Johnson opened the container.

"Being whacked against the foreman's head had loosened the top," Dr. Johnson said. "It popped right
off. I began to wonder if, in fact, that was how the aliens opened containers on their world. If
so, they must have suffered brain damage over time."

Inside, Dr. Johnson found a small, thick book. The cover illustration showed a constellation that
bore the unmistakable likeness of Oprah Winfrey. Stunned, he opened the book, which consisted of
multicolored, cloth-like materials. The writing glowed when the professor looked at it.

"It was an illuminated manuscript," Dr. Johnson explained. "I was immediately able to translate the
title, which is called Their Eyes Are Watching Me. The book was comprised of two sections: A Sacred
Alien Testament: Written and a Sacred Alien Testament: Oral."

"The Written Testament is the shorter of the two. Apparently, the aliens didn't like to read much,"
said Dr. Johnson. "The text explains that Oprahs exist on many worlds. There are probably colonies
of them throughout the universe, possibly a Planet of the Oprahs. They all spring from the Oprah
who wrote the alien bible. It is likely that Earth's own Ms. Winfrey is descended from these
beings.

"The Oral Testament actually speaks to the reader," Dr. Johnson revealed. "Naturally, it talks in
the authoritative but reassuring voice of Oprah.

"It begins with a section called 'Syndication,' which encourages aliens to do good deeds on other
worlds, including the Earth," Dr. Johnson continued. "We suspect that the alien visitors who owned
this bible were missionaries, members of Oprah's 'The Angel Connection.' It instructs acolytes on
the basics of worship, including the use of something called 'the remote.'

"Then there's a section called 'The Boutique' where you can obtain items like loungewear for
worship, mugs for sacred beverages and caps to show your devotion to the 'Big O' as she is also
called. This is followed by 'The Books of Oprah' which are a collection of stories and poems she
likes. Most of these were written by an angel named Maya. Next there's a chapter called 'Ooooo'
which is all about the do's and don'ts of sex. Finally, there's a very thin section on dealing with
 'loss' -- weight loss. The foundation of the diet is the consumption of something called 'stedman
graham crackers.' This chapter contains erasures which suggest that it was once much, much thicker.
"We have only begun to delve into the volume, which is extremely complex."

Dr. Johnson intends to continue his studies of the alien bible and the other artifacts from the Big
Dig.

"All I can say is I hope the aliens return to Earth," he told Weekly World News. "They'd be
impressed at how much Oprah has influenced our own culture!"

Published on: 10/05/2005 http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/aliens/61249