🚀 go-pugleaf

Yes, I'm really rolling.  I've got the *double-sized* issue #6 written
out (though not keyed in yet) and am planning a promotional gimmick
for the final slam-bang issue #8.  The Looniverse is the *only* place
for me!

CHAPTER FIVE:
  Continuity Champ awoke in a laboratory, strapped into some
diabolical-looking apparatus.  His jaw ached hooribly; while it was
not broken, it was badly bruised.
  "You're awake.  Good we can begin,"  a voice said.  Dr. Killfile
stepped from the shadows.  "No, no, don't try to talk; I'd imagine
your jaw is very sore.  Besides, I've got you in a paralysis stasis
field."
  He paused and glanced at the machinery.  "I feel a dramatic
monologue coming on.  Tell you what, while I'm waiting for the
EXTRACTor to charge up, I think I'll explain my fiendish plot to you." 
He seated himself in a padded chair.
  "It all started with the Cosmic Plot-Device Caper.  After I had lost
IT and was betrayed by Manga Man, I was barely able to sneak away in
the chaos.  I was fortunate enough to come into contact with the Cult
of the Cosmic Plot-Device a short time later; they happened to be
looking for the whereabouts of the Device, I needed new followers. 
But I digress.  Perhaps it would be less confusing if I started at the
beginning."
  "No one is really sure where the Plot-Device originated from or how
it was created.  However, in the Dark Ages, a Germanic baron named
Krieger founded the Cult after somehow acquiring the Device.  In those
days, cults were bloody things - they sacrificed humans, practiced
sorcery, and kicked puppies.  The Cosmic Plot-Device Cult, though, was
much less gory than most other cults, and thus gained an almost
mainstream following."
  "The Cult persisted guarding the Plot-Device until 1937.  As a part
of Hitler's plot for world domination, the Nazis began collecting
mystic devices, including the Plot-Device.  It vanished before Hitler
got his hands on it, and for decades the Cult searched the world for
it."
  "Then, it suddenly resurfaced, and the remnant of the Cult came to
me for help.  The first thing I did was get new recruits.  After
Omega.Mosely's latest disappearance, his S.T.U.D. Army went out of
business, leaving a plethora of mercenary Thugs (tm) on the merc
market.  The ninjas I got in exchange for a copy of S*LV*R S*RF*R #1
and three SP*D*R-M*N #1's (unbagged, of course).  The rabble were easy
to recruit.  We live in an age of little hope for the future, what
with Slick Willie becoming President; the masses have lost all faith. 
They needed something to believe in.  I gave them the new utopia the
Plot-Device will create.  It might interest you to know there are
cells of the Cult in every major market."
  "The next step was quite logical.  I began to create an army of
androids, virtually identical to human beings.  Imagine an army of
sleeper agents, each with incredible strength and reflexes, ready to
rise up to fulfill my wishes."  He cackled in his best megalomaniacal
manner.  
  "But the best is yet to come."  Dr. Killfile grinned and leaned
forward.  "The Cult had managed to preserve two shards of the Device. 
I used these in two different android prototypes to create a pair of
cosmic-powered androids capable of feats beyond imagination.  I
dispatched one after you, under the pretense of securing the
whereabouts of the Plot-Device.  In truth, though, I knew the Device
to be shattered and discarded.  I wanted my android to drain your
energies and masquerade as you in the LNH.  I chose you because the
android could replace you the easiest; no one of all your teammates
knows the slightest thing about you.  Plus, your curiosity toward
continuity errors made it easy to attract your attention.  And so was
born 'your' Aunt Comic-Relief."
  "Unfortunately, something went wrong."  Fyle sighed.  "We had given
the android a fully developed personality and had only put its orders
in at a subconscious level.  I did my job too well, though; it
actually came to believe it *was* your Aunt Comic-Relief, and reacted
as such.  The android became frightened, and it experienced a
systems-wide shutdown.  The colloquial term, were she human, would be
a 'coronary'.  I dispatched men to recover the unit, but it was gone
before they arrived.  A curious mystery, no?  But one for a later
day."
  "The second android worked on a different principle, and there
were... dificulties in activating it.  Fortunately, your dead friend's
spirit seems to have corrected those problems somehow.  Ah," he said,
noticing a green light on a console on the apparatus CC was strapped
to, "the EXTRACTor is ready.  This device will drain out your energies
first, then your memories.  I will be able to access and wield these
energies with this."  He pointed to the device strapped to his wrist. 
"The Ultimate Controller.  With your powers at my disposal, my friend,
I can locate and repair the Cosmic Plot-Device."  He stood and struck
a world-ruling pose (or at least as much of one as any 5'3" balding
and glasses-wearing nerd can).
  "With your power, the Cult, and the shapechanger in my control, the
Cosmic Plot-Device shall soon be mine, and with it power absolute!"

TO BE CONTINUED...