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A Grand Declaration of War

History

For years, the fat and skinny nerds have lived in harmony side by side.
During the early development years of nerdism, 1975-1985, the term nerd came
to describe a wide variety of socially inept individuals, including those
who would now be considered "geeks", "dweebs", "dofuses", "gomers", "dorks",
and "mama's boys". Individuals from all walks of social ineptitude banded
together for two reasons; firstly, for protection from the ignorant or
popular; and secondly, because a lack of social intelligence allowed nerds
to ignore their internal differences. Consider the comradery of Lewis and
Booger (Revenge of the Nerds, 1984), the definitive media representations of
skinny and fat nerds respectivelty. Lewis derived pleasure from the
construction and installation of hidden surveilance cameras; Booger, from
their use. But their individual preferences were cast aside, and a symbiotic
bond was found in their struggle against the persecution from jocks. Similar
relationships can be found in films such as "Animal House", "Police
Academy", and "Porky's"; and series such as "Perfect Strangers".

In recent years, however, nerd subcultures have developed. "Geeks", "dorks",
and "gomers" have all gone their separate ways; "mama's boys" have resigned
exclusively to family affairs; and "spazzes" have been wedgied to near
extiction by the population en masse. The observed diversity in cultures has
not presented problems, as individual communities now stick to themselves;
however, "fat nerds" and "skinny nerds" have yet to undergo bifurcation.
This oversight has led to a conflict between the two diverse groups and a
discontent among nerds as a whole.

Declaration

We, the skinny nerds, because of the issues described above, feel it is no
longer possible for fat nerds and skinny nerds to co-exist under the same
stereotype, and deem it necessary to take aggresive action. We believe the
reputation of nerds as a whole is being tarnished by those who value
role-playing games over quantum electrodynamics; those who value chat rooms
over usenet; those who value deep fried pork products over a well balanced
diet of bran flakes and prunes.

We find the fat nerd community unpleasant and worthy of spite for the
following reasons:

1) They smell.
2) Their humour is inane, obsessive, and technically inaccurate.
3) They take up unneccesary bandwidth with mindless pap, including but not
limited to Star Trek propaganda, anti-Microsoft rhetoric, and spam mail
which consistently concludes "pass this on to everyone you know".
4) They think writing html qualifies as programming.
5) They waste their time painting ridiculous little models.

Thus, the skinny nerds as of this day declare a grand state of war against
the fat nerds. We will not rest until our independance has been won. We will
not desist until every fat nerd has been reduced to scorn and humiliation.
We will not put away our calculators until every octahedral die has been
obliterated.

We will prevail.

Appendix A
A Sample of Comparitive Characteristics of the Fat and Skinny Nerd

Available upon request.

Appendix B
Redenbacher's Constant

Let x be a member of the set of all nerds. Let w be the the weight of x,
w(x), in pounds and let I be the IQ of x, i(x), in the modern scale. Then,
for all x,

 w(x) + i(x) = RC,

where RC is given by 3.0 x 10^2. RC will be known as Redenbacher's Constant.
Proof is left as an exercise to the reader.



Contact:  skinny_nerd@yahoo.com
Please pass this on to your nerd friends (fat & skinny).