🚀 go-pugleaf

I was rumaging through my basement this afternoon looking for a milk
crate I use to store old magazines in.  I thought I saw it behind an
old ratty dresser, so I decided to move the dresser off to the side.
It was heavier than I thought, and it took several minutes of heaving
before I got it to budge a few inches.  Right then, as I budged it, I
saw a flicker and something move quickly.  Startled, I jumped back and
crashed into a lamp post that was shaped like an Italian peasant
farmer.  I figured I had seen a rat or something, but I didn't really
see what had happened.  It seemed a little too big to be a rat (even
by West Philadelphia standards).  It certainly wasn't a cat or a dog
or something like that.  I grabbed a nearby broom and gently prodded
beneath the dresser.

At first, nothing seemed to happen.  Soon I hit something soft, and
quickly it moved out of the way with a grunt.  Now I became
suspicious.  I certainly didn't want any such vermin in my house.  I
considered knocking over the dresser to expose what was underneath.  A
moment later I decided that it was a terrible idea, but did it anyway.

With a loud crash and a bang, the dresser fell over.  There underneath
where the belly of the dresser had been was a large assortment of
items.  There were many bright shiny objects, like a few bottle caps,
some beer can tabs, quarters, dimes, nickels (but no pennies) and some
small pieces of aluminum foil.  I also saw many brown pellets, and
towards the wall there was a nest made out of shredded newspaper and
bits of fabric.  There in the middle of the nest was a goret, staring
up at me, startled by the sudden collapsing of the dresser and the
bright light it was exposed to.  It was a small beast, roughly the
size of a pumpkin, with a greenish tinge to its otherwise brown fur.
Beneath the fur I thought I saw some sharp claws, but I'm not really
sure.  Two beady little eyes stared up at me.

I swung the broom high over my head and brought it down suddenly on
the back of the goret.  It squealed a long, horrible scream and dashed
underneath the dresser again.  This went on for some time, me swatting
the broom around and shoving furniture, the goret running around
avoiding me and making horrible screeching noises.

I soon realized that I was not going to get rid of it this way.  I
went upstairs and got my roommate's baseball bat.  I started taunting
the goret, and insulting it.  However, it was nowhere to be found.
I've got a big and musty basement with lots of doo-dads and
odds-and-ends floating around, which meant there were lots of hiding
places.

I got some food out of the kitchen.  I put out a plate of tuna fish,
one of stale M&Ms, and another of raw chopped meat.  I waited for
about twenty minutes before the goret slowly came out.  I guess gorets
aren't very bright, because after a moments reflection, this little
feller came padding up to the tuna fish, then over to the raw meat,
only four feet away from me.

One swift move and it was all over.  The goret didn't make any noise
this time, I nailed it right in the skull.  It was over quickly.
There weren't any spasms or anything, just one satisfying thud, a
swing that met its target perfectly.  I waited for a few minutes to
make sure it was really dead.  It didn't move at all.  I hit it three
times more, once just to make sure, and the other two because I was
beginning to enjoy myself.  I heard what I think was the spine crack,
and some other gooey splat-like noises.

I tried looking at the body to figure out more about it, but it was
really messed up.  Sticky blood was starting to collect.  I thought of
calling somebody at the local Biology Department and having do
research on this rare creature, but instead I just threw it in the
trash.  I thought for a while about skinning it and doing something
cool with the fur, like making a hat or something, but it smelt REAL
bad.

There's still a blood stain in my basement.  I don't care enough about
this house to clean the stains up, I'm only renting it.  However, I
did collect $2.55 in change from the goret nest.  I still threaten to
add gorets to any food that I make (a rare event) but my roommates
don't think it's funny anymore.