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Gerry Lintonice wrote:

>I'm a GOD and nobody believes in me anymore.Nobody is praying to me.
>This makes me soooo depressed?
>
>But I'm immortal and cannot kill myself.
>
>What can I do now? Should I fry the unbelievers with lightning bolts?
>Turn a few suns into super-novae? Or develop a new super-virus?
>
>Please help me.
>
>  
>
God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

NEW HAVEN, CT--In a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and 
contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers, 
theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia, 
God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of followers,
was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder.

Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of 
divinity at YaleUniversity Divinity School, announced the historic 
diagnosis at a press conference.

"I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said. "And, 
after several years of patient research and long sessions with God 
Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able to 
pinpoint the specific nature of His problem."  

Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that afflicts 
millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by bouts of 
profound depression and despair, the disorder can wreak havoc on both 
the sufferer and his or her loved ones, particularly if it goes 
undetected and untreated for an extended period.  Though the condition 
is estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent of the world's 
population, Monday marks the first time it has been diagnosed in a major 
deity.

Evidence of God's manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe, 
from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum 
of space. However, theologians note, humanity's exposure to God's 
affliction comes primarily through His confusing propensity to 
alternately reward and punish His creations with little rhyme or reason.

"Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood," said housewife 
and devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. "I asked myself, 
'Why? Why would God do something like this, especially when He had just 
helped Walter overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so 
happy that we finally had a chance to start our lives anew?'"

New York attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge of God's 
wild mood swings.

"Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was  jogging in 
Central Park with my daughter. We were marveling at the beauty and 
majesty of nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we 
live in. Then, out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner, speaking
from her hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. "All they 
took was a measly $17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will 
never walk again.  If only Our Holy Father didn't have those mental 
problems, my precious Katie might not be confined to a wheelchair for 
the rest of her life."
 
Above: Taken on the same day, these photos offer evidence of God's mood 
disorder.

Jurgens stressed that God's earthly subjects need to understand that, 
because of His bipolar condition,
He is not in control of His actions and does not realize how they affect 
others.  

"What He needs from us is understanding and patience," Jurgens said. "To 
paraphrase the
words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans, forgive Him, for He knows not 
what He does.'"

While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven effective in 
the treatment of bipolar disorder
among humans, there is no modern earthly medicine that can be prescribed 
for a deity as vast and complex as God.  Jurgens is in the process of 
forming a support group, "Living With A Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all 
of humanity to "get together
and discuss their feelings about living in a universe run by an 
Omnipresent Loved One not fully in control of his emotions."

Jurgens said he believes God's essential condition is seasonal, as 
evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with springtime 
and summer,
followed by the decay and bleak despair of fall and winter. Sometimes, 
however, the condition cycles even faster.
 

"The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as many as 10 
or 12 cycles of mania and subsequent depression in a lifetime. In severe 
cases, a sufferer may experience four or more per year, which is known 
as 'rapid cycling,'" Jurgens said. "We believe God suffers from the even 
rarer 'ultra-rapid cycling,' which would account for the many documented 
cases in which He alternates between benevolence and rage toward 
humanity within a matter of seconds. For example, last week, He brought 
desperately needed, life-giving rain to southern Mali while 
simultaneously leveling Turkey with a devastating earthquake."

Further evidence of God's manic-depression can be found in the Bible, in 
which the erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts with the 
sadness and existential despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes. The Book of 
Job, Jurgens noted, marks the best example of His condition. The book 
begins with the bleak lamentations of Job and ends with a full-blown 
manic episode by God, complete with such classic bipolar symptoms as the 
illusion of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur.
 
"One of the major 'heresies' of Christian history is the Gnostic belief 
that the Creator, or 'demiurge,' of this troubled world is a blind, 
idiot god who is insane," Jurgens said.  "This idea surfaces in many 
religious traditions around the globe. As it turns out, they were only 
half right: God has His problems like anyone else, but He is essentially 
trying His best. He just has a condition that makes His emotions fly out 
of control at times."

"So it's up to us to make the best of God's emotional problems," Jurgens 
continued. "Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly 
upward."

(from the Onion archives)



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Gerry Lintonice wrote:<br>
<blockquote type="cite"
 cite="mid1127789600.538100.74220@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com">
  <pre wrap="">I'm a GOD and nobody believes in me anymore.Nobody is praying to me.
This makes me soooo depressed?

But I'm immortal and cannot kill myself.

What can I do now? Should I fry the unbelievers with lightning bolts?
Turn a few suns into super-novae? Or develop a new super-virus?

Please help me.

  </pre>
</blockquote>
<font face="Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif" size="2"><strong><font size="2">
<div><strong><font size="2"><font face="Arial"><font color="#800000"
 size="3">God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder</font> </font></font></strong></div>
    
<div><br>
<strong><font face="Arial" size="2">NEW HAVEN, CT&#8212;In a diagnosis that helps
explain the confusing and contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled
philosophers, theologians, and other students of the human condition for
millennia, God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of
followers, </font></strong></div>
 
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">was found Monday to suffer from
bipolar disorder.</font></strong></div>
   
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2"><br>
Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of divinity
at </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">Yale</font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">University Divinity School, announced the historic
diagnosis at a press conference.</font></strong></div>
<strong><font face="Arial" size="2">    
<div><br>
"I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said.<strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2"> "And, after several years of patient research and
long sessions with God Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer,
I was able to </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">pinpoint
the specific nature of His problem."&nbsp;&nbsp; </font></strong></div>
 
<div><strong></strong><br>
</div>
       
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder
is a condition that afflicts millions. Characterized by cycles of elation
followed by bouts of profound depression and </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">despair, </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">the disorder can wreak havoc on both the sufferer
and his or her loved ones, particularly </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">if it goes undetected and untreated for an extended
period</font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">.&nbsp; </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">Though the condition is </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent
of </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">the world's population,
</font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">Monday marks the first
time it has been diagnosed in a major deity. </font></strong></div>
     
<div><br>
<strong><font face="Arial" size="2">Evidence of God's manic-depression can
be found throughout the Universe, from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars
to the cold, lifeless vacuum of space. </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">However, theologians note, humanity's exposure to
God's affliction comes primarily </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">through His confusing propensity to alternately reward
and</font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">&nbsp;punish His creations
with little rhyme or reason. </font></strong></div>
     
<div><br>
<strong><font face="Arial" size="2">"Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter
to the flood," said housewife and </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA.
"I asked myself, 'Why? Why would God do something like this, especially when
He had just helped Walter </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial"
 size="2">overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so happy
that </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">we finally </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">had a chance to start our lives anew?'" </font></strong></div>
  
<div><br>
<strong><font face="Arial" size="2">New York attorney Ruth Kanner also gained
firsthand knowledge of </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial"
 size="2">God's wild mood swings.<br>
<br>
</font></strong></div>
     
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">"Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring
afternoon, I was&nbsp; jogging in Central Park with my daughter. We were marveling
at the beauty and majesty of nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful
world we live in. </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">Then,
out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner, speaking</font></strong></div>
    
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">from her </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center.
"All they took was a </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">measly
$17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will never walk again.&nbsp; </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">If only Our Holy Father didn't have those mental problems,
my precious Katie </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">might
not be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life."</font></strong></div>
 
<div><strong></strong>&nbsp;</div>
 
<div><strong><font size="2"> 
<table cellpadding="3" width="250" align="left" border="0">
 <tbody>
 <tr>
 <td bgcolor="#dddddd"><font face="Arial"><img height="185"
 src="http://www.nihil.dk/helios/Artikel-Billeder/Modswings1.jpg"
 width="252" border="1">
 </font></td>
    </tr>
 <tr>
 <td bgcolor="#dddddd"><font face="Arial"><img height="170"
 src="http://www.nihil.dk/helios/Artikel-Billeder/Modswings2.jpg"
 width="252" border="1">
 </font></td>
 <td rowspan="3"></td>
    </tr>
 <tr>
 <td bgcolor="#dddddd"><b><font face="Arial" size="1">Above: Taken on the
same day, these photos offer evidence of God's mood disorder. </font></b></td>
    </tr>
  </tbody>
</table>
</font></strong></div>
   
<div><font face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">Jurgens stressed that God's
earthly subjects </font></strong><strong><font size="2">need to </font></strong></font><font
 face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">understand that, because of His bipolar
condition, </font></strong></font></div>
   
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">He is not in control of His actions
and </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">does not realize
how they affect others.&nbsp;&nbsp; </font></strong></div>
 
<div><strong></strong><br>
</div>
   
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">"What He needs from us is understanding
and </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">patience," Jurgens
said. </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">"To paraphrase
the </font></strong></div>
   
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans,
forgive Him, for He knows not what He does.'" </font></strong></div>
   
<div><br>
<strong><font face="Arial" size="2">While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and
Zoloft have </font></strong><font face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">proven
</font></strong><strong><font size="2">effective in the treatment </font></strong><strong><font
 size="2">of bipolar disorder</font></strong></font></div>
      
<div><font face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">among h</font></strong><strong><font
 size="2">umans, there is no modern earthly medicine </font></strong></font><font
 face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">that can be prescribed for a deity as
vast and complex</font></strong></font><font face="Arial"><strong><font
 size="2">&nbsp;</font></strong><strong><font size="2">as God.&nbsp; Jurgens </font></strong><strong><font
 size="2">is in the process of </font></strong><strong><font size="2">forming
a support </font></strong></font><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">group,
"Living With A Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all of </font></strong><font
 face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">humanity </font></strong><strong><font
 size="2">to "get together </font></strong></font></div>
   
<div><font face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">and discuss their feelings
</font></strong></font><font face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">about </font></strong></font><font
 face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">living in a universe run </font></strong><strong><font
 size="2">by an Omn</font></strong><strong><font size="2">ipresent Loved
One </font></strong><strong><font size="2">not fully in control of his emotions."</font></strong></font></div>
  
<div><br>
<strong><font face="Arial" size="2">Jurgens said he believes God's essential
condition</font></strong><font face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">&nbsp;is seasonal,
as evidenced by </font></strong></font><font face="Arial"><strong><font
 size="2">the bursts of energy </font></strong></font><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">and elation associated with springtime and summer,</font></strong></div>
  
<div><font face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">followed by the decay and
bleak despair of fall and winter. </font></strong></font><font
 face="Arial"><strong><font size="2">Sometimes, however, </font></strong><strong><font
 size="2">the condition cycles even faster. </font></strong></font></div>
 
<div>&nbsp;</div>
 
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">         
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2"><br>
"The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as many as 10 or
12 cycles </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">of mania and
subsequent depression in a lifetime. In severe cases, a sufferer may </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">experience four or more per year, which is known as
'rapid cycling,'" Jurgens said. </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">"We believe God suffers from the even rarer 'ultra-rapid
cycling,' which would </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial"
 size="2">account for the many documented cases in which He alternates between
benevolence </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">and rage
toward humanity within a matter of seconds. For example, last week, </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">He brought desperately needed, life-giving rain to
southern Mali while simultaneously </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">leveling Turkey with a devastating earthquake." </font></strong></div>
       
<div><br>
<strong><font face="Arial" size="2">Further evidence of God's manic-depression
can be found in the Bible, in which the </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts
with the sadness and existential </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes. The Book of Job,
Jurgens noted, marks the best </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial"
 size="2">example of His condition. The book begins with the bleak lamentations
of Job and </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">ends with
a full-blown manic episode by God, complete with such classic bipolar </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">symptoms as the illusion of omnipotence and delusions
of grandeur. </font></strong></div>
 
<div><strong></strong>&nbsp;</div>
      
<div><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">"One of the major 'heresies' of
Christian history is the Gnostic belief that the </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">Creator,</font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">&nbsp;or 'demiurge,' of this troubled world is a blind,
idiot god who is insane," </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial"
 size="2">Jurgens said.&nbsp; </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial"
 size="2">"This idea surfaces in many religious traditions around the globe.
As it turns out, </font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">they
were only half right: God has His problems like anyone else, but He is essentially
</font></strong><strong><font face="Arial" size="2">trying His best. He just
has a condition that makes His emotions fly out of control at times." </font></strong></div>
   
<div><br>
<strong><font face="Arial" size="2">"So it's up to us to make the best of
God's emotional problems," Jurgens continued. </font></strong><strong><font
 face="Arial" size="2">"Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks
fly upward."<br>
<br>
(from the <i>Onion</i> archives)<br>
</font></strong></div>
</font></strong></div>
</font></strong></font></strong></font><br>
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