🚀 go-pugleaf

Hi!

My name is Jacky, i am 53, French, and female, a multilingual executive
assistant.
You can answer me in French, English and German.

Could a psychiatrist or psychologist help me with the problems my friend is
facing?

His behaviour is bringing me into a severe depression and as i love him so
dearly
i should like to understand what is happening to him, in order both  to be
able to help him
out of it if this is possible and/or to protect me. No specialist in France
 is willing to explain
me what it is; i can't find psychology/psychiatry books relating to this
kind of disorder.
i think it is some sort of neurosis, but i am tapping in the dark.

He ist 45, German, living in Paris for the time being. He is still married,
left his wife a few
weeks ago and has been living mostly in hotels since that time. 3 weeks ago
he came to me
one night at 3:00 am and left a fortnight later without any explanation. He
just "could not bear
it anymore". Nothing special had happened in the meantime and i had had hope
that the worst
was over, that he was opening himself to others, that we would be able to
make plans for the
future; he felt so well (told me so).

What makes the whole thing more difficult is that we are working together.
So i can find no peace, either at home or in the office.

He comes from the former GDR and was imprisoned there for political reasons
before being
expelled to West Germany for 15 years or so. This may partly be an
explanation for his behaviour
(sequels of him being brought up in a Communist country). He was stamped
there as asocial..........
We know what it meant in these countries at that time....... Whether it is
what being asocial in
western countries means, i do not know..

He does not speak  much, is completely introverted. He was brought up by his
mother almost alone
and married  a completely introverted woman; with both of them as with his
son later he used to
live within an atmosphere of uninterrupted mutual manipulation and
blackmail.

As i noticed that, i told him that i wanted none of this for us, but on the
contrary a healthy relationship
in our couple and he agreed. It was completely new to him and he felt very
much attracted by this kind
of honest relationship.

 Can it be that it is too difficult for him to leave his old habits of
relating to others? What are his chances of healing?

Every problem in his family was, until 97, carefully denied. Some
frightening events as well as our love
brought him to want to try and be open. He is working at this, is very
depressive since then, as his
son and wife of course do not want him to change (i know that it is typical,
when a family has been
"functioning" in a complete different way and one of its members wants to go
out of this and begin a psychotherapy for example). He is also very slow in
his
progress. He refuses every help from
me,  wants to achieve everything alone. He is often treating me very badly
offering no explanation: he
does not understand, he does not see anything wrong in his worst deeds. I do
not recognize him anymore.

As I met him for now 3 years he seemed to be ok. We fell in love and I
thought it was a question of a year
or so for him to solve his family problems correctly, before we could begin
living together. He succeeded
in coming to work in France in order to be with me. So he said at the time
(October 98). But he came with
his wife and son (rather disconcerting!!).

He is particularly slow in making any decisions and implying them, often
deciding the
contrary after having made a decision as far as his personal life is
concerned.
In his professional life however he is very brilliant, particularly in the
technical field (telecommunications and
computers), highly intelligent and appreciated by everybody. He has
developed a "normal" behaviour for the
office; but it is only superficial, there are no feelings or whatever
behind.

His son had important behavioural problems (which led to criminal procedures
against him in Germany).
From that time on (1998) my friend has been unable to have feelings. He
seemed to have blocked
everything within himself, in order to cope with this ordeal.

He always remains coldhearted whatever happens, as far as others are
concerned. For himself he is on
the contrary very sensitive in private. He is currently seeing a German
psychiatrist in Paris; it was rather
difficult to find one ; but i thought it would be better for him to speak
about his problems
in his mother language. Unfortunately
it is not the best physician, being one of the kind for bored idle ladies
looking for something to do in the
afternoon (very expensive, otherwise ineffective). He demonstrated
his inability with my friend's
son last year; it was a complete mess.

My friend seems to suffer very much; he made some very thin progress within
one year which led him to
the separation from his wife. For the time being, after he left me on Easter
Monday,  he disappeared and
i ignore to this day his whereabouts (no phone call, no mail).

Was anyone already confronted to this kind of disorder? Can it be a sort of
PTSD? What can i do? Are there any books on this subject i could read? Is
there a
special newsgroup for that kind of illness? Or is he just manipulating me
very cruelly?

I must say I am the only one who thinks that he is ill, my friends and my GP
all think he is playing a dirty
play on me. But nobody has ever seen him or spoken to him. He was never long
enough with me for a
meeting with my friends. They are judging from my state of depression. I was
completely healthy as i met
him, with no particular problem.

Please, help, i am sometimes considering suicide as he regularly comes back
to me and leaves me destroyed
each time. I am no masochist, i really love him, but i want to live.

All the best and thanks in advance for your help
Jacky