Smiling to me is not enough

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6 total messages Started by Hans Kamp Sun, 28 Feb 1999 00:00

#135

Author: Hans Kamp
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 00:00

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A few days ago I was in a computer store (I know, not I good place to
meet a woman, but the following story really happened there).

I was walking around some computers and devices like printers, screens,
and other usual things that you see in a computer store.

Although I already have a printer, I was looking at a printer that I
might purchase in the future. I looked up and I hear a vendor talking to
some people that seem to want to buy a computer. A woman - I think 25
years old - was smiling at me. I looked back with a neutral face but I
was about to smile back.

After one second I look back at the printer. For other people I might
seem to be interested in a particular printer, but in fact I was looking
down and thinking about this. Why do this kind of things happen in a
strange place: in the streets, in stores, sometimes in a library (almost
never in a bookstore)? Before I went to the computer store I saw two
women looking at me, one of them has a little child.

After one minute I saw the same woman smiling at me. I looked back at
her for a very short time, some tenths of a second. I had a neutral
face, almost angry.

I walked out of the store.

I think if a woman smiles at me, that is not enough for me. It is not a
valid signal, until she sees me very often and she smiles at me at every
time, I see her. Smiling one or two times to me, doesn't mean anything.

Am I wrong about this? Am I too rude to women, if I have this kind of
opinions about making eye-contact and smiling? I am too shy to react
positively.

Hans Kamp.

Re: Smiling to me is not enough

#132

Author: EHS
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 00:00

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Oh Hans, DEFINITELY smile back!  You don't have to say anything, a smile can
be a hello!
;-)
Elizabeth

THE WEBSITE
Special Needs Info and links to virtually EVERYWHERE!
http://members.xoom.com/MagsSchwa/index.html

Re: Smiling to me is not enough

#133

Author: Nebulous Rex
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 00:00

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On Sun, 28 Feb 1999 11:28:31 -0800, Hans Kamp <hanskamp@introweb.nl>
wrote:

>I think if a woman smiles at me, that is not enough for me. It is not a
>valid signal, until she sees me very often and she smiles at me at every
>time, I see her. Smiling one or two times to me, doesn't mean anything.
>
>Am I wrong about this? 

No.  I've had women go as far as to strike up conversations with me,
but they turned out to be married.  On the flip-side, sometimes a
smile or a sudden casual conversation is a flirt.  That's why women's
flirtatious gestures are described by some here to be "plausibly
deniable:" you can't know for sure what she intended, and that's the
point.  It's a loophole.  If she finds out she doesn't like you, then
the gesture was incidental and you can't leverage it against her
(because hey, it was "your fault" for interpreting it as a flirt).  If
she finds out she likes you, then the gesture was a flirt, and doesn't
she have good taste for choosing you?  The spectator can never really
know what she intended.

>Am I too rude to women, if I have this kind of
>opinions about making eye-contact and smiling? 

It was rude not to have returned her smile.

>I am too shy to react
>positively.

I'm in the same boat.  I used to have a friend who would start
ignoring me if I gave him too much positive attention, and would pay
attention to me if ignored him.  He was my only friend for three or
four years, so I just ingrained my behaviors around him into my
personality.  I eventually refused to react positively to anyone for
fear they'd let it go to their heads and start ignoring me.  I am
changing that, at least for the most part: there are, unfortunately,
quite a few people out there who act exactly the same to positive
attention as he did.

Re: Smiling to me is not enough

#134

Author: EHS
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 00:00

19 lines
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Nebulous Rex wrote in message <36e0c8d4.143143975@news.feist.com>...
>.  On the flip-side, sometimes a
>smile or a sudden casual conversation is a flirt.  That's why women's
>flirtatious gestures are described by some here to be "plausibly
>deniable:" you can't know for sure what she intended, and that's the
>point.  It's a loophole.  If she finds out she doesn't like you, then
>the gesture was incidental and you can't leverage it against her
>(because hey, it was "your fault" for interpreting it as a flirt).  If
>she finds out she likes you, then the gesture was a flirt, and doesn't
>she have good taste for choosing you?  The spectator can never really
>know what she intended.
>
Oh, I'm not EVEN going there!
And No, it wasn't rude of you not to smile, you're learning!
Elizabeth

THE WEBSITE
Special Needs Info and links to virtually EVERYWHERE!
http://members.xoom.com/MagsSchwa/index.html

Re: Smiling to me is not enough

#130

Author: Nebulous Rex
Date: Mon, 01 Mar 1999 00:00

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On Sun, 28 Feb 1999 19:29:42 -0500, "EHS" <KDKDCFTWP@prodigy.net>
wrote:

>Oh, I'm not EVEN going there!

I didn't say it was good or bad, I'm just saying it's a loophole, and
women use it.  If I was a woman, I'd use it.  ;)

>And No, it wasn't rude of you not to smile, you're learning!

The action was rude.  That's not a problem, since it's not a comment
on him.  He didn't know it was rude.  However, he should remember that
it IS rude so the next time he can decide whether to be rude or not.

Re: Smiling to me is not enough

#131

Author: Eric Pepke
Date: Mon, 01 Mar 1999 00:00

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On Mon, 1 Mar 1999, Nebulous Rex wrote:
> The action was rude.  That's not a problem, since it's not a comment
> on him.  He didn't know it was rude.  However, he should remember that
> it IS rude so the next time he can decide whether to be rude or not.

That's a highly intelligent way to think about it.

-Eric

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