🚀 go-pugleaf

I was listening to Leo Laporte's radio talk show about computers, 
and was wondering if a 486 DX2 (66 mhz) would be a good purchase.
I called NCA - and found they were only $159.  I could DOUBLE my
speed for under $200.  What a deal.

Over to NCA I go.  I look at the DX4 chips - triple the speed.
Hmmm, only $259.  Much better.  BUT - I'd need a new motherboard, 
Salesman #1 says.  Take this fine Mylex motherboard - they work
great with the DX4/100.  Only $129 - on sale.  Soon to be $139.
It works FINE with the DX4 - they sell a lot of 'em.

I inspect the board - and see a couple of long slots - for 72 
pin simms.  More memory!!  I pop for the 16 megger - for a 
nice $539.99.

After an additional $71 + for taxes, license, dock fees, dealer
prep, etc,  I'm in the hole $989.  A grand for a hundred and a 
half purchase. But think of the POWER!!

OK, so I take it home, and attempt an install.  I'd never 
replaced a motherboard before.  Now I'm very experienced.  Anyway,
I slap in the 486dx4, the 16 meg of ram, 4 of the 8 meg from my
old board, and have a whopping 20 meg now.  Into the case it goes.
In go all the cards.  I fire it up.

Can you say "locking up"?  I mean, I can get the sucker completely 
fucked up in less than 2 minutes.  Reboot.  Try stuff, it freezes,
I reboot.  Terrible.

Ah.  Must be a QEMM error.  Well, I'll fart with it tomorrow.

Sunday.  I decide to remove all cards - soundblaster, modem, etc
that I don't need.  All I have is the ide controller (for the Hard
Disk), and the video card.

I carefully "rem" out all references to QEMM.  I rem out all
references to anything but a simple path statement.

I fire it up.  I try to run a diagnostic program.  It crashes and
burns. I reboot, and type "dir" to list the directory.  Lock up.
Reboot. I try to edit the config.sys.  More locking up.  

Clearly, there is a problem here.  I take out the remaining cards, 
remove the mother board - carefully extracting my 4 meg, and box
the cpu, motherboard and 16 meg ram, to return it to NCA.

Salesman #1 isn't there, but Salesman #2 helps me. Salesman #2 puts
the board, cpu and ram together, and whips out a power supply,
a video card, a keyboard and a monitor.  He hooks it all up -
and runs a diagnostic.

He gets an error.  Aha!  Bad motherboard.  (How he knows the 
motherboard is at fault, instead of the cpu is beyond me.  I'm a
mere mortal.) He pulls out a motherboard from the back, slaps it
together - and prepares to send me on my way.  I ask to see the
diagnostics with this board.  It fails also.

Now - NCA would be happy to replace my motherboard with one of these
fine Bioteq boards, but cannot refund my money for the cpu and ram - 
the lion's share of the purchase.  No refunds, that's store policy.

Salesman #2 calls Tech #1 from the back.  Tech #1 explains that
ALL of the boards fail that diagnostic - it doesn't mean anything.
Salesman #2 wants me to leave, happy, with my replaced board and
old CPU.  I'm no fool.  Can we replace the CPU as well?  "We 
could...."  I read his face.  He is in obvious pain.  "... but
there'd be LOTS of paperwork involved."  Maybe I'm insensitive;
maybe I'm just a jerk, but I said we really didn't change anything,
and I'd like to replace the CPU as well.  Salesman #2 replaces the
CPU (funny, I see him do NO paperwork), and he wishes me luck.

As I'm waiting to get my paperwork updated (my receipt - not the
stuff for the cpu, which never appears after all), I ask Salesman #2
what I could try if this DIDN'T work.  He again offered me one of
the bioteq boards, and I declined.  "They're pieces of crap!" he
quietly tells me in confidence, after I refused it.  Hmmmmm.

I get it home, and decide before proceeding I should back up my
hard disk.  This takes the remainder of Sunday.

Monday evening.  In goes the new board.  I boot - and see the cryptic
message "error 6."  That's it.  Error 6.  I flash back to the opening
of the show "The Prisoner."  "YOU ARE NUMBER SIX!!  I AM NOT A NUMBER,
...".  I reboot.  Error 6 again.  I wonder if Leo Laporte airs pissed
off rants from folks about stores who sell crap.  I reboot.  Error 6 
again.  That's 6...6...6.  I don't need Leo Laporte to help me debug -

I need an exorcist. More lock ups, etc.  Monday night is a failure.

Tuesday morning I call American Express.  Can they help me "bypass"
the 
no refunds policy?  My customer service rep gives me the number of the
buyer protection plan dudes.  I call them.  Was the stuff stolen or 
broken?  No.  They can't help - call customer service again.

I call customer service.  A nice lady with a North Carolina accent 
talks to me, calls NCA and talks to the Manager #1.  Manager #1 can
do nothing, but gives the NCA corporate number.  

Sigh.  My southern belle in NC says things look bad, but I should 
try talking to the first salesman.  He's due in at 1:00.

I bring the machine in.  Salesman #1 is not there, nor is Salesman #2,
so Salesman #3 helps me.  I tell Salesman #3 an abreviated tale of
woe - he has zero interest.  He writes Salesman #1 a note to check
the system and call me.  I go to work.

I call at 1:10.  Impatient?  You bet.  Salesman #1 isn't coming in,
apparently.  He may be going into the Fremont site today.  I ask if
another tech can look at it.  Yes, but they have a THREE DAY
BACKLOG!!!

May I speak to the manager?  This would be manager #2 - who does not
come to the phone.  Salesman #3 says he will look at it personally.

You know, in hostage situations, after an extended period of time, 
hostages start feeling empathy for their captors?  Odd.  Anyway, 
I feel Salesman #3 will help me.

#3 offers me a fine bioteq mother board, and I decline.

#3 asks me if I need the motherboard INSTALLED.  Now, "installed"
is a magic word.  At NCA, they have a large poster of services
their service department offer, with the prices attached.  Simple
shit is $19.95.  I think that's for dusting your case, or something.
Most stuff costs more.  I figure "installing a motherboard" probably
has a dollar value associated with it in excess of the GNP of most 
emerging nations.  "No, it's already INSTALLED.  Just get it working."

Hours later, I get a call from Tech #2.  Funny, Salesman #3 didn't 
look at it personally.  He tells me it's "too bad" I didn't talk
to a tech.  All of the mylex boards he's seen for the past two weeks
fail to work with the Intel DX4.  Remember the warning paper I got
with the board, about the well-known bug of the mylex and the
AMD DX4's?  Well, the new warning also mentions the Intel chip. 

Tech #2 offers me a bioteq board.  I decline, saying I heard bad
things about it.  He says "the manager asked me to offer it to you."
I ask to talk to the manager.  There are two.  Manager #2 is busy, I
get Manager #3, who is the same person as Salesman #3.

I explain to Salesman/Manager #3 my tale of woe, once again.  He's
getting tired of me, which means I am winning.  He offers me the
bioteq board yet again, and I decline, as always.  I get put on
hold 3-4 times.  Finally, he offers me a refund.

I head right down.  I talk to Tech #2 to get the rest of my system
back. Tech #2 tells me, quietly, "I'm glad you're getting all of
your money back. Usually, they give customers a tougher time."

That "tougher time" is probably the 15% restocking fee they demand
for "all orders".  

I got out with no fees at all.  Damn lucky.

Oh, yes.  While waiting for my refund, I see the mylex board in the 
showcase.  It still says "DX4 compatible."  Now, they know better.
Would they really be selling folks a known incompatable board, 
denying refunds, leaving folks to try the crap board as their only
way to cut their losses?

I was damn lucky.

Never, ever buy anything of consequence at NCA.  Frys has a "no 
questions asked" refund policy.  They now have 100% of my business.

BTW - I've seen a dozen or more "corrections" to prices in the NCA
ads when visiting their stores.  They always apologize for the 
"misprints" - some item actually costs more than advertised.  Now, 
being a statistician, I expect errors to be sometimes over, sometimes
under.  With NCA, the ad is always lower than reality.  Yet another
scam?  Well, it defies the odds.


--
                 Michael A. Solinas  (mike@solinas.com)
                   
                     WWW:  http://www.solinas.com/ 
                         ftp:  ftp.solinas.com