🚀 go-pugleaf

Who am I? Why am I even writhing this? I guess I was inspired, early
this August morning, by a couple of brutally honest websites I was
browsing through. These people have interesting views on life, and are
willing to share them (and themselves) with anyone who cares to listen
or watch. Classes start again soon, and I always wonder a bit about my
future and my life at this time of year.

 I'm a quiet guy, too quiet. There are so many times I want to talk to
people, get to know people, share my feelings with people, but I keep
everyone at a distance. Part of this, in my opinion, is caused just my
natural expression: I always seem to look slightly annoyed. This turns
many people away. After this, they have to get through my incredible
fear of intimacy in any form. God, I want to find someone, ANYONE, to
share myself with. My dreams, my hopes, my fears� not the obvious stuff,
but the deeper, ME� but I can't bring myself to let anyone IN. How do I
bring these walls down? I've been alone for almost 3 years now. Sure, I
have friends, but I can't really let any of them in.. is this a guy
thing? I can be honest about my daily actions and motivations, but
everything I share with my friends is imparted with a "sense of humor"
to it.. there's very rarely anything REAL shared. Every once in awhile
I'll get into deep discussions with my closer friends, but these usually
revolve around politics.. or my fear of intimacy kicks in and I'll
either focus on the wrong things or outright lie to preserve these
walls. 

 What is wrong with me? How can I change this? Being alone for this long
has me questioning my own self-worth. Are my dreams impossible? I find
that more and more, I am preoccupied with finding a woman to share my
time with. A common problem, I know: I'm very busy, and being so shy
doesn't help. Hell, I've known women before who I've known were
attracted to me, but I still can't seem to bring up the courage to say
anything to them. The last girlfriend I did have had to practically beat
me over the head before I took her out. It is becoming ridiculous. I
feel like I'm wasting time, wasting my LIFE, being alone. A long time
ago, I decided that the two focuses of my life would be a meaningful
career, where I could make a positive difference in the world, and a
family. These have become the two goals of my existence, and while I'm
working towards the one, I can't see the other occurring unless
something changes in my personal life. I feel I have so much to share;
why can't I? I find myself in love with the concept of love: I want to
fall in love. I know this sounds familiar: everyone feels this way, but
that doesn't change the fact that this is the essence of my
dissatisfaction. I've become so desperate, I'm afraid I'll accept any
woman who comes my way. I'm not looking for sex in particular, but I,
like most men and women, have my ideas of the "ideal" mate. Should I
"hold out" for this, or accept any woman who seems the least bit
attracted to me, or somewhere in between? 

 And there are other facets of my dilemma. Another common question that
preoccupies me: what is my meaning? Why am I here? Am I truly special
(as most believe they are)? Are my thoughts truly original? Am I
significantly better at anything them most people, or more insightful?
Am I simply one speck of dust on the unending plane of existence? I find
this idea both comforting and frightening at the same time. Don't we all
want to be special? Don't we need to believe that we are? Jesus, it's
like I'm having a mid-life crisis, and I'm only 22. I think it keeps
coming back to my need and fear of intimacy. I believe I need someone
else to find my meaning, to find what's truly important to me. 

 So how do I go about this? It seems that almost every week I determine
that I'm going to change the way I present myself: I know it's
unrealistic to expect that I can change my entire personality with just
a simple resolution, but I try anyway. This simple hope is one of the
things that keeps me going. But it never works. I AM the person I want
to present, but I can't seem to find a way to show this to others. 

 You know, I think a lot of these problems are things that many people
wrestle with. What differentiates each of us is how we share these
issues and truths with those that matter to us: THAT is what gives us
our individuality. In finding a mate, someone to share your deepest soul
with, you have the opportunity to truly be an individual. And that's
what I'm looking for. 

 Why do I post this here? Well, I suppose that since I've been unable to
find anyone I express these feelings with in my own life, you, gentle
reader, will just have to do. Thanks for listening to me ramble.. and if
you have someone truly special in your life, cherish them. You just
don't know how lucky you are. 
						Garrett