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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

REDMOND, WASHINGTON, JUNE 6 -- In a move calculated to divert
attention from upcoming announcements from Apple regarding the future
of its upcoming Coprolalia OS technology, Microsoft Corporation
(Nasdaq: MPHRRTN) today unveiled a suite of enhancements to its
Windows 95 operating system.

"We are very excited by these latest innovations from Microsoft," said
Gilbert Amelio, president of Apple Computer.  "We expect them to yield
rich pickings in terms of apparently pithy, yet inane, marketing
epigrams that will divert attention from the fact that nobody wants to
buy Macintoshes any more."  Apple Computer came to widespread public
attention for the first time several months ago with its advertising
campaign that proclaimed "Macintosh 96 = Macintosh 89", a bold move
that still has many industry analysts perplexed.

"I do not understand why Apple used this particular slogan in their
campaign," said Marc Bnodsky, an agriculture and small arms analyst
for the Boise, Idaho based market research firm Spuds and HUDs.  "It
is clear even to the casual user that this must be a self-deprecating
ploy on the part of Apple, as all true Macintosh believers, er, users
know that windows in MacOS didn't have little nubbly bevels around the
sides in 1989."  Bnodsky's brain could not be reached for comment.

In making these changes to Windows 93, Microsoft has applied the
fruits of several years of research undertaken its widely-touted and
much-admired human-computer interaction group.  "We have found that
people do not know what the hieroglyphics in those little buttons in
window title bars mean," said Babo Ghannousz, a researcher at
Microsoft Laboratories who is single, in his early 30s, enjoys
snowboarding and other outdoor activities, and is anxiously looking
for a nubile female companion to share his passion for multiple
inheritance in C++.  "In our controlled studies, many users put
Post-It notes beside each hieroglyphic button to remind them of its
function.  Naturally, the fuzzy blotches left behind when users moved
or deleted windows and had to move the Post-Its caused problems;
several participants in the study complained of headaches brought on
by trying to read text through these blotches, and misdiagnosed the
cause of these headaches as worsening vision due to not eating enough
carrots."

This admission of poor user interface design in Windows 62 comes as a
surprise to few in the industry, following Microsoft's January
admission that the graphic designer responsible for designing the
button hieroglyphs had inadvertently worked from a copy of "Wilson's
Guide to Ancient Hittite Rock-Carved Symbolism" instead of the
"Microsoft Visual Style Guide and Handy Coffee Coaster", dubbed by
many the "Microsoft Visual Style Guide, Handy Coffee Coaster, and
Convenient Floor Sponge" due to its soft cover and absorbent all-fiber
composition.

Microsoft is pursuing an aggressive OS redesign strategy to clear up
confusion among its users as to what purpose the buttons at the tops
of windows serve.  Among the primary changes made has been a move of
the two buttons in the top right-hand corner to the top left-hand
corner, and a simultaneous move of the top left-hand button to the top
right-hand corner.  [Journalists will find a Microsoft t-shirt with
the words "LEFT" and "RIGHT" printed in large letters on either sleeve
with this press pack, in order to help familiarize them with the
concepts involved.]

In addition, Microsoft is providing to developers the capability to
program these buttons, using either Visual Rat's Nest or Java, the
Language of Peace and Universal Harmony.  "We see this leading to
growth in a significant new segment of the software industry," said
John Scully, the former CEO of Apple Computer and favorite to replace
that bland-looking anonymous guy * who left his anchor job on
Paramount's Entertainment Tonight at the end of last month.  "We
expect many companies to program these buttons to wiggle up and down,
or perhaps to blink on and off if they have that sort of expertise
available in-house."  It is expected that these animated programmable
buttons will flicker about as much as currently-available Java
applets, which is, according to Skullcap, "only about 50% more than
games written by 10-year-olds on Timex Sinclair home computers during
the early 1980s."  Our opportunity to ask Stuffy further questions
about this exciting technology was cut short as he was carried away by
a light spring breeze.

A leading contributor to Wired Magazine whose surname might or might
not be Negroponte ** was asked for his opinion on the changes to
Windows 37, but when copy editors removed the self-contradictions and
excessively breathless compound phrases from his contribution, it was
found to consist solely of the word "the".

The changes to Windows 21 are being made available for free to both
subscribers to the Microsoft Network, and they will be served to
Windows users on the Internet via something that responds about as
quickly as an overloaded 286.

----

Founded in 1902, Microsoft is the worldwide leader in software for
personal computers and personal digital annoyances.  The company
invented gravity, coffee, democracy, and the Official Microsoft
Windows 95 Mouse Mat; it also offers a wide range of products and
services for business and personal use, each designed with the mission
of making it easier and more enjoyable for Microsoft to take advantage
of the full power of a large revenue influx every day.

----

*  http://www.microweb.com/traffic/teshmain.html

** Microsoft Corporation does not necessarily endorse the view that
   all columnists for Wired Magazine are interchangeable sycophantic
   shills for the transnational corporate high-tech community, but
   that is because we ache for Wired to keep up the brown-nosing.

[This article is Copyright 1996 by Bryan O'Sullivan.  All right reserved.]
-- 
Let us pray:
What a Great System.                   bos@eng.sun.com
Please Do Not Crash.                bos@serpentine.com
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