🚀 go-pugleaf

(Slot B.  This is where Tab A goes.)

-----

Benny stepped back and admired his handiwork.  Robert Smith sat on a stool
in the hotel bathroom.  A crude mask made from one of the hotel's
pillowcases covered the Robert Smith's face.  Several irregular holes had
been cut out of the pillowcase.  Robert Smith's eyes were dimly visible
through two of the holes.  One of the hotel towels had been tied around the
Robert Smith's neck to form a crude cape.

Benny sighed.  "How do you feel, sport?"

The Robert Smith's voice sounded slightly muffled.  "Depressed.  I don't
like this pillowcase."

"It's a mask," huffed Benny.

"It makes it hard to see.  Not that I'd like to see.  But it's depressing
not to be able to, if I wanted to."  The Robert Smith sighed.  "Do I have
to keep sitting here?  I'm really too depressed to be sitting up.  I'd like
to lie down now."

Benny shook his head.  "Sure, you can go lie down now."

The Robert Smith stood, wandered into the next room.  "Oh, sure," he said.
"You took the good spot.  How depressing."  Benny heard the Robert Smith
flop onto the floor.

Benny flipped open the phone, dialed.  While the phone rang, he leaned
through the bathroom door.  The Robert Smiths lay slumped on the floor, the
one without the pillowcase beside the bed, the one wearing the pillowcase
in front of the door.  Benny shook his head.

"Carminita Talent Agency," said Miss Stathin on the other end of the phone.
"Mr. Carminita is out right now, may I help you?"

"It's Benny.  Do we have a victim?"

"'Course we do," said Miss Stathin.  "It's a good one, too.  This guy says
he can fake a car wreck.  Complete with fire, if we pay him enough.  I told
him we'd have to get back to him on that.  I didn't know if you wanted to
spend that much money."

Benny looked back through the door.  The Robert Smith with the pillowcase
on his head had curled into the fetal position.  "This is so depressing,"
moaned the Robert Smith.  "I was just fine without this pillowcase on.  I
wish I wasn't too depressed to take the pillowcase off."

Benny shook his head again.  "Sure, go ahead and have him do the fire.
It's fine."

"Fire, check.  Big explosions or little ones?"

Benny looked out at the Robert Smiths.  He wondered whether the pillowcase
was flammable.  He patted his stomach.  "Better ask for the small ones, I
think the big ones might be a problem."  A thought struck him.  "Ask him if
he'll give us a discount if we get him on TV.  Maybe he could go on
Letterman."

"Sure,  Benny."  Miss Stathin sounded tired.  "I'll ask him for a discount."

"Great," said Benny.  "We need him at the intersection just off of exit
41A."  Benny checked his watch.  "Two hours?  No, wait, two-and-a-half
hours.  We need to give the reporters time to show up.  Did the press
release go out?"

"Yes, Benny," said Miss Stathin.  "Right on time."

"Good," said Benny.  "Remind me to give you a raise."

"Right, Benny," said Miss Stathin.  "Remind me that pigs have wings and fly
around selling tennis shoes door to door."

"You're one of a kind, Miss Stathin," said Benny.  He clicked the phone shut.

He walked into the bedroom, looked down at the prone figures of the Robert
Smiths.  "Well, Smiths," he said.  "Two and a half hours."

"You're going to leave me here," said the Robert Smith beside the bed.  "I
just know it.  I'm going to miss everything.  How depressing."

"You can go," said the other Robert Smith.  "I don't want to.  I'd rather
just lie here and be depressed."

"Well," said Benny.  "We're going to need a superguy name before we tell
everyone who you are."

"I don't want one," said the Robert Smith on between the beds.  "My own
name is depressing enough."

"Well, we've got some time," said Benny.  "I'm going to call room service.
You guys want anything?"

The Robert Smith wearing the pillowcase sighed heavily.  "You could take
this pillowcase off of me.  It's depressing.  I'd also like to have the
good spot."  The Robert Smith's voice suddenly became slightly less
depressed.  "You could drag him into the bathroom.  You seemed to enjoy
that, even if it made me depressed."

"How can I enjoy lying here when I know he wants this spot?" whined the
other Robert Smith.  "It's depressing.  He could knock me over the head and
put me someplace even more uncomfortable."

Benny clapped his hands together.  "OK, that went well."  He rubbed his
palms on his trousers.  "How about a crossword puzzle?"

"He won't fill in the squares," said the Robert Smith by the door.

"He won't work out the words," said the Robert Smith near the bed.  "For
example, what's a five letter word, distress or a state of distress."

"What?" asked Benny.

"I'm too depressed to think about it," said the Robert Smith with the
pillowcase on his head.

"See?" said the Robert Smith near the bed.  "He isn't even trying."

Benny shook his head.  "Right.  How about a superguy name?  Remember, I can
always call you Burt Ward."

"Don't ask me," said the Robert Smith near the bed.  "I'm not the one
that's going to be the hero.  I'm just going to lie here and be depressed.
What you call him doesn't matter to me."

"Angst," said the Robert Smith wearing the pillowcase.  "Angst is the
answer.  You've lost the puzzle though.  Now that it's time for you to do
your job, you don't have the puzzle.  How depressing."

"Angst," said Benny.  "I like it.  It's got kind of a space-age feel to it.
Intellectual-like, too.  Sure, that'll work.  Angstman."

"My own cleverness used against me," moaned the Robert Smith wearing the
pillowcase.  "How depressing."

-----

Robert Smith tugged at the pillowcase over his head.  "Do I have to wear
this?" he asked.  "It's really quite depressing."

"Yes," said Benny.  "You have to wear it.  You're Angstman."

"Why can't I have one?" whined the other Robert Smith.  "You like him
better, that's why.  How depressing."

Benny sighed.  He and the Robert Smiths sat in the red sportscar just up
the street from the intersection leading off from Exit 41A.  The Robert
Smith with the pillowcase over his head sat slumped against the door.  The
other Robert Smith leaned limply against the dashboard, moaning faintly.

"Look," said Benny.  "Let's focus on what we're going to do, OK?"

"You can," said the Robert Smith with the pillowcase.  "I can't focus on
anything with this pillowcase on.  It all looks like a dark blur."  He
paused.  "Well, it all looks like a dark blur anyway, but this is
different."

"It looks like a dashboard," said the other Robert Smith.  "Very close, but
its a dashboard alright.  I don't like dashboards."

Benny forged ahead.  "Look," he said.  "If someone asks you who you are,
what do you say?"

"I don't," said the Robert Smith against the dashboard.  "I'm not going
anywhere."

"Neither am I," said the Robert Smith with the pillow case.  "I think I'm
too depressed to talk anymore."

The Robert Smiths lapsed into silence, broken only by an occasional deep sigh.

"You're Angstman," said Benny.  "You've come to save the day.  Can you say
that?"

"I don't want to say it," said the Robert Smith with the pillow case. "So
it hardly matters whether I can or not."

"I could," said the Robert Smith against the dashboard.  "But, of course,
you didn't bother to ask me."

Benny shook his head.  He looked at his watch.  "Well," said Benny.  "In 15
minutes, the reporters will be here.  Five minutes after that, you go into
action."  Benny made his voice harsh.  "You'd better be ready."

"Sure," said the Robert Smiths in unison.  "Sure, whatever."  They let out
a long sigh.  "Depressing."

-----

Bland TV-Reporter stared out of the screen.  "Good afternoon," he said.
"I'm Bland TV-Reporter with TONN, here in Hortonville.  Just a few moments
ago, we captured this exclusive footage of Hortonville's newest superguy,
who rescued a man from a burning car.  Let's watch the action, as captured
by TONN's very own Buck Coreo, cameraman extraordinare."

"Aw, Bland," said a voice from off camera.  "Just because I left the lens
cap on during your special last month..."

*

A green car pulled up to a stop sign at a four way intersection.  The car
stalled.  The hazard lights came on.  A short man with dark hair got out of
the car, walked around it, opened the hood.  A few seconds later, the
driver slammed the hood, got back into the car.  The sound of a the starter
engaging echoed through the empty intersection.

A roiling gout of fire tore the hood off the car.  The hood tumbled end
over end.  The flames churned, licked at the windshield.  The man inside
screamed.  The hood landed several yards away from the car with a loud
thump.

A red sportscar roared up next to the green car, squealed to a stop.  The
sportscar's passenger door opened.  A man in dark clothes, wearing a
pillowcase over his head and a towel tied around his neck flopped into the
road.  The sportscar's tires squealed, the red car disappeared around the
corner.

The dark-clothed man lay face down in the street.  "Hello?" called the man.
"I am Angstman.  Do not fear.  I, Angstman, will save you."  The man let
out a loud sigh.  "If you want to be saved, that is."

The man in the green car screamed again.  The flames crackled merrily
around the car's engine.  The figure on the ground sighed again.

"Please go away," Angstman declared.  "I'm too depressed to save anyone
right now."

The man in the car screamed again.  Again.  A few more times.  The flames
died down slightly, crackled less, smoked more.  The man in the car leaned
over, fumbled with something on the floor in front of the passenger seat.
Another explosion rocked the car.  A column of flame rose from the engine.
The driver screamed.

"Oh, no," whined Angstman.  "I actually have to do this?  How depressing."

Angstman stood up.  He took two slouching steps toward the green car,
lifted the door handle.  The door sprang open, knocking Angstman onto his
back.

"I'm saved!" cried the driver.  He staggered out of the car, ran a few
yards down the road, collapsed into a heap.  "I'm injured!" cried the
driver.  "Whiplash!  Whiplash!"

Angstman lay near the burning car.  "Am I done yet?" he asked.  "I don't
think I have any more lines in this part."  Angstman rolled over, turned
his face to the asphalt.  "It's really quite depressing to be thrown out of
a car and forgotten."

*

Bland TV-Person smiled into the camera.  "Wow," he said.  "Wasn't that
exciting?  You don't see heroics like that every day.  I'm sure excited.
Aren't you?"  The camera bobbled agreeably up and down.

"And now, we have a TONN exclusive.  An interview with Angstman!"   Bland
TV-Person blinked rapidly at the camera.   His head disappeared off the
bottom of the screen.  The camera bumped, jerked, focused on Angstman.
Angstman lay still against the asphalt.  Faint noises came from somewhere
under the pillowcase.

"Angstman," said Bland TV-Person brightly.  "What brings you to Hortonville?"

"Please don't ask," said Angstman.  "Just today, I've been ejected from two
vehicles and abandoned to my fate, had my own cleverness used against me,
and been generally made to feel quite depressed."

"My goodness."  Bland's voice was hushed in awe.  "You've been quite busy,
haven't you?"  The camera panned over toward Bland.  A bright pink scalp
shone beneath Bland's thin hair.  Blair looked up into the camera, flashed
teeth at the camera.  "Can we expect more heroics from you?"  Bland looked
back down at the figure.  The camera followed the microphone as Bland held
it out toward Angstman.

"Oh," whined Angstman.  "I hope not.  Heroics are depressing."

"I see," bubbled Bland.  "That's quite an insight.  What amazing
superpowers do you have?"

Angstman let out a long sigh.  "I don't want to talk to you anymore," said
Robert Smith.  "I'm really too depressed for all this right now."  Angstman
squirmed away from the reporter.  "Please leave me alone."

The camera swung back to Bland.  Bland flashed perfect teeth in a quick,
precise smile.  "You heard it here first, America.  A new superguy with
mysterious powers has come to Hortonville.  I'll be right here, watching
for his next heroic exploit."

"I think I'm just going to wander off mysteriously," said Angstman from
somewhere off camera.  "That was one of my lines.  Actually, I'm really
just going to lie here because I'm too depressed to move."

"Aren't those words to live by?" gushed Bland TV-Reporter.  "A real hero,
folks.  Someone to keep an eye on, for sure."

-----

Benny snapped the phone closed.  "Well, guys," he said to the Robert
Smiths.  "Angstman is a hit.  You're going to be famous."

"We're already famous," said one of the Robert Smiths.  "Fame is depressing."

"Right," said Benny.  He shook his head.  "Look, I've just set you up for
another heroic feat.  This time, you're going to save a man from drowning
in the Hortonville river."

"I can't swim," said the Robert Smiths.  "Swimming is depressing."

"It'll do you good," said Benny.  "I've had Miss Stathin looking into this.
Exercise can often help with depression."

"I don't like swimming," sighed the Robert Smiths in unison.  "He can be
Angstman.  I'm too depressed to be Angstman right now.."

-----

PRESS RELEASE

Hortonville -- Benny Carminita, Press Agent for the new hero Angstman, said
today that Angstman would be willing to appear in advertisements as a
celebrity spokesperson.  "Angstman feels very strongly about a number of
products," Mr. Carminita said.  "Should we be approached to endorse any of
these products, we would, of course, welcome the opportunity."  Mr.
Carminita declined to name any of the products Angstman would endorse,
saying "no endorsements for free."

Angstman's latest adventure, as captured on camera by TONN, has already
been licensed to RatherLarge Productions, which will release a major motion
picture based on the story.  Although nothing has yet been confirmed,
reliable sources indicate that Fabulo Extravagante has been approached to
play the helpless victim.  "We're quite excited about the deal," said Mr.
Carminita.  "We feel that Angstman's message of heroism and courage will
play well on the big screen, and open the markets for the Angstman line of
collectible action figures."

When asked where Angstman would next appear, Mr. Carminita proved evasive.
"Wherever in Hortonville evil strikes, or help is needed," stated Mr.
Carminita.  "That is where Angstman will be.  I should comment, though,
that Angstman is quite concerned about the bridge over the Hortonville
river."

-----

Bland TV-Reporter blinked out of the screen.  "...live yet?"  The camera
bobbled up and down.  "Oh, right," said Bland.  He lifted the microphone
closer to his face.  "This is Bland TV-Reporter coming to you live from the
bridge over the Hortonville river where, just a few moments ago, Angstman
sprang into action.  Let's watch the playback."

*

A short, bald man in a white shirt strode across the bridge, sipping from a
can of Drink(tm).  Suddenly, the man stopped.  He looked over the railing
of the bridge.  He pointed down.  "A mermaid!" cried the man.  "A mermaid!"
The man leaned over the railing.  He pointed frantically at the water.
"Right there!"

With a fluid, athletic motion, the man rolled over the railing.  There was
a splash.  "Oops," came the man's voice from the water below.  "It was just
a hamburger wrapper."  More splashing.  "Oh dear," said the man.  "I think
I'm drowning."

A red sportscar sped up to the railing, screeched to a stop.  The passenger
door opened.  A dark object flopped out of the door, over the rail.  There
was a splash.  The sportscar roared away with the customary squealing of
tires.

The camera bobbled as the cameraman rushed to the rail, tilted dizzily to
show the water below.  The baldheaded man treaded water next to a
waterlogged dark bundle of clothing.  "It's Angstman," called the
baldheaded man.  "He's come to save me!"

Low moaning came from the bundle.  "This water is cold," said Angstman.
"And this life preserver chafes.  How depressing."

The baldheaded man caught at Angstman's shoulder.  "He's saving me," called
the baldheaded man.  "It's amazing!"  The baldheaded man tugged Angstman
toward the shore.  "I'm practically filled to the brim with his amazing
influence!  I've never had such strength before!"

"You're hurting me," whined Angstman.  "I think my shoulder is dislocated."

The baldheaded man reached the shore.  He hauled Angstman up onto the bank.
The baldheaded man collapsed next to Angstman.  The two figures lay still
on the mud.  The baldheaded man caught his breath.

"Amazing!" cried the baldheaded man.  "I would have died for sure, if it
weren't for Angstman!"

A low moan came from the dark bundle on the bank.

The baldheaded man huffed some more.  "I feel inspired by his shining
example!  I'm going to give up my life as a con artist... er, that is, a
burglar, and, um... devote my life to giving orphans swimming lessons!"

Angstman moaned.  "I hope you have a lawyer.  I'm quite certain you've
injured me."

A red speedboat driven by a large man wearing sunglasses and a Hawaiian
shirt appeared from under the bridge.  The boat cut a sharp turn, stopped
near the bank.  The speedboat's wake washed over Angstman and the
baldheaded man.

"Oh, no," sighed Angstman.  "I was just starting to dry off.  How depressing."

"I feel great!" exclaimed the baldheaded man.  "Despite the fact that my
life was placed in peril by inadequate engineering and I'll no doubt need
extensive and costly therapy at the expense of the city, being rescued by
Angstman has restored my faith in humanity!"

The baldheaded man lifted Angstman into the boat.  "Wow," exclaimed the
man.  "And now a helpful stranger is giving us a lift to... um... the
hospital, where I can be treated for my injuries!"

The man in the Hawaiian shirt nodded.  The speedboat roared away.

*

Bland TV-Reporter beamed into the camera.  "Wasn't that thrilling, folks?"
He tilted his head, smiled into the camera.  "I thought it was thrilling,
too.  We'd like to bring you a live interview with Angstman, but, as you
saw, he disappeared."  Bland TV-Reporter shook his head in mute amazement.
"What a hero.  Stay tuned for further updates as TONN continues our special
coverage of Hortonville's newest superguy."

-----

Benny Carminita paced.  He glared at the phone sitting on the nightstand.
He glared at the Robert Smiths slumped on the floor.  He paced again,
glared back at the phone.

Benny looked at the Robert Smiths.  "Listen to that," he growled.

The Robert Smiths lay still.  "I don't hear anything," whined one of them.

"It's a trick," complained the other.  "He's trying to depress us."

"It's working.  I feel more depressed already."

The Robert Smiths sighed.

Benny put his hands on his hips.  "There isn't anything to hear," he said.
"We should be in the midst of a media circus by now.  The phone should be
ringing off the hook."  He glared at the phone again.  "We should have
photographers trying to beat the door down.  There should be dozens of
cameramen waiting in the parking lot.  My call waiting should be clicking
like a nest of beetles.  The phone service in half the towns in the area
should be failing from the load."

Benny scowled at the Robert Smiths.  "We need more.  Angstman is too good a
hero.  We need to make Angstman more human.  The human interest angle will
draw the media in."  Benny's eyes widened.  "Human... interest."  Benny
looked from one Robert Smith to the other.  "Sure," he said to himself.  "I
should have thought of this before."

-----

(Slot C.  This would be a pretty darn good place to put tab D.)