🚀 go-pugleaf

@@@@@   @   @@@@    @@@   @   @   @@@    @@@   @@@   @  The Series
@       @   @   @  @   @  @@  @  @   @  @     @      @
@@@     @   @@@@   @   @  @ @ @  @@@@@  @     @      @   (C) 1996
@       @   @   @  @   @  @  @@  @   @  @     @      @   Astatine
@       @   @@@@    @@@   @   @  @   @   @@@   @@@   @  H. Valence

             ==Episode #2: The Kake Constant!==


[I still think you should call this one #3.]

#2 is the third element in the classical Fibonacci Series, Mickey.

[All right, I just hope that it still counts as a third issue.  Now, do
you remember what we discussed about plotting and dramatic structure?]

Um...

[Do you remember the stuff about character and motivation?]

Um...

[Do you remember how I offered to buy you a Sno-Cone if you wrote a good
third issue and became an Author?]

Yay, Sno!  Yay, Cone!  Yay, yay, Sno-Cone!  Sno!  Cone!  Sno-Cone, yay!

[Then go to it!]

Right!  So, Fibonacci was working hard in his lab, not even suspecting
that his funding had just been cut off.  And there was much work to be
done if he was going to introduce Arabic numerals to 13th Century
Europe.  First, he would have to hire lab assistants to do most of the
actual work.  Then, he would have to publish the results in the "Journal
of Mathematics and Dessert Toppings, Monthly".  And finally, if he was
successful, someone would name a cookie after him.

[A cookie?]

It's what all mathematicians aspire to, but few actually succeed.  Like
Isaac Newton!

[Fig Newtons.  Of course.]

Fibonacci was conducting a series of tests on the Arabic numerals, to
see if they were durable enough to stand up to everyday use.  He had the
number 3 immersed in a .5 molar solution of nitric acid, and the number
8 was running through a maze, and the numbers 2 and 4 were spinning in a
high-speed centrifuge.  And the results were all positive, but that was
to be expected because no one had invented negative numbers yet.

Then the lab door flung open and a man in a toga rushed in, waving his
arms wildly.

[Frat boy?]

No, no, it was Dr. Pythagoras, a visiting professor from the University
of Northern Minnesota at Ancient Greece.  "Fibonacci old chap!  I do
believe I am on the verge of a major breakthrough and all that rot!"

[Pythagoras had a British accent?]

Well, I don't know...  He could have, right?

[Yeah, I guess.]

"Great!" said Fibonacci.  "Do you have any toffee?"

"Toffee!  As a matter of fact I do, my good man!"

"Yay!"

Pythagoras brought out a bag of toffee and the two scientists did a
little toffee dance, because they were Wurther's Originals -- and not
the bogus crunchy kind, either!

"Now, what's your big breakthrough?" asked Fibonacci.

"Well, allow me to demonstrate with this seven inch chocolate layer
cake."

"Yay, cake!"

Pythagoras took out his tape measure and proceeded to measure the cake.
"You see, seven inches in diameter, and about twenty-two inches in
circumference.  So far I have measured fifteen seven-inch cakes, and all
of them have also had the same circumference!  It's a constant ratio!  A
transcendental number that applies to all cakes, whether they're golden
or carrot or Black Forest with whipped cream!  As long as they're round,
that is -- rectangular cakes seem to have a whole different set of
properties, and it's difficult to cut them into wedge-shaped slices."

"Pythagoras, that's amazing!  Are you going to publish your results?"

"Indeed I am, as soon as I find a catchy name for this new ratio.  Which
is why I have come to you, old friend."

"Will I get a co-author credit?"

"Indeed."

"Yay, yay, yay!  Hmmm...  Why don't you just call the number 'cake'?  Or
an alternate spelling, so that people don't get confused.  Kake!"

"Kake?  Hmmm...  Kake is approximately equal to twenty-two divided by
seven...  The area of a cinnamon raison cake equals kake times the
radius squared...  By Jove, that's catchy!  And when this is published,
we will revolutionize the measurement of cakes forever!"

"And pizzas?"

Pythagoras' eyes widened.  "Fibonacci, you old bean, you are a genius!
We must expand our experiments at once!  Pizzas, quiche, maybe even...
pie!"

"Hooray, pie!  Quick, Pythagoras, to the bakery!"

"You're not going anywhere," said a man in the doorway.

"Who are you?"

"I'm with the Intercontinental Science Foundation, and I'm shutting you
down.  This research you are doing into cakes and pies is completely
impractical and is draining research funding and resources that could be
used for more important things.  Like determining how exactly the sun
and planets revolve around the Earth.  Or why the oceans don't drip off
the edge of the world.  Not to mention all that we can learn by
expanding the theory of creationism."

"That's crazy!" Fibonacci exclaimed.

The man from the ISF turned on him.  "And you.  Leonardo Fibonacci.
Explain to me the practicality of these Arabic numerals you are working
with."

"Ah!  Well, you know how it works now when you go to the drive-thru at
Wendy's and order a Roman Numeral I meal?"

"Why yes, that would be a Biggie Burger, medium fries, and a soft drink
of your choice."

"Yay, Biggie Burger!" Pythagoras exclaimed.

"And if you order a Numeral II meal?" Fibonacci asked.

"That's the same thing, but with cheese."

"Mmmmm, cheese," Pythagoras added.

And a Numeral III meal?"

"That's a Spicy Chicken Sandwich with medium fries and soft drink.
What's your point?"

"Only this.  When you order an IV meal, all you get is a bag of saline
solution on a metal pole with a rubber tube and a needle that goes into
your arm.  Now do you see the problem inherent in Roman numerals?"

"No, I don't.  You and your friend have four hours to clear your stuff
out of these labs.  And when you're done, you can report to the tenure
review committee for a disciplinary hearing.  Haha!  Hahahaha!
Muhahahahaha--  Hey, is that a chocolate cake?"


WILL FIBONACCI AND PYTHAGORAS LOSE TENURE OVER THIS INCIDENT?

WILL THE MAN FROM THE ISF TAKE THEIR CAKE AWAY?

DOES THE NEW KAKE CONSTANT APPLY TO ELLIPTICAL DESSERTS LIKE ECLAIRS?

Find out in the next exciting element of the Fibonacci Series!

[You did it, Teeny!  You're an Author now!]

Yay!  Yay!  Yay, yay, yay, ya--

*BLIP!*

Uh-oh...

---
Astatine H. Valence                              astatine@eyrie.org

   "Nixon in '96!  Nixon in '00!  Nixon in '04!  Nixon forever!"