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                            RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                              THE ROLLING OF DICE
                              (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                   Episode 7
                                 "Pantaloons"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                     -~-_-

     "So..." Melu said, as she regarded Pope Joe Don I from his tattered
couch.  "What do you think?"
     "Of beer?" Joe Don I asked.
     "Of me," Melu clarified.  She fluttered her long lashes seductively.
     Joe Don I pondered the question.
     He drank a Schlitz, and continued the pondering.
     He scratched himself, and tried to remember what the question was.
     "I like the horns," he said, at last.
     "Is that all?" Melu asked, shifting sexily as she unzipped the
front of her Special Operations uniform.
     "Um..." Joe Don I said.
     He drank another Schlitz, and belched.
     "Nice legs," he commented.
     Melu stood, and sauntered casually over to where Joe Don I was
standing (or, more accurately, swaying).  As she approached, she slowed,
and sniffed the air with disdain.
     "Ew," she commented.  "Did something die in here?"
     "Oh, sorry 'bout that," Joe Don I said.  "I usually shower at least
once a week, but I sort of forgot this week, because I had this project I
was working on, and..."
     "Project?" Melu asked, taking the opportunity to move a bit farther
away.  "What sort of...ah...project?"
     "This," Joe Don I said, indicating the strange, varnished metallic
contraption which also had a handy magazine rack.
     "It looks like..." Melu said, hesitantly.  "But it can't be...an
Automatic Beet-Peeler & Sub-Atomic Re-Integrator!"
     "A what?" Joe Don I asked, confused.
     "An ABPSARI!"
     "Oh, yeah, that," Joe Don I said.  "See, this book materialized on my
nightstand a few days ago, and then the Big Guy appeared to me and ordered
me to follow the directions."
     "_How to Build an ABPSARI With Materials You Find Around the House,_
by Dr. Bing Von Spleen, the Earth's Foremost Spamologist," Melu said, sounding
puzzled.  "You mean he stopped injecting mind-altering substances long enough
to write a book?"
     She turned and regarded the metallic contraption again.  "What sort of
metal did you use to construct the body of the machine?"
     "Empty Schlitz cans," Joe Don I said.  "Course, they were full when I
started.  Had to drink 'em to get the scrap metal I needed."
     "But the shielding!" Melu protested.  "How do you keep the inter-
nucleic radiation from destroying the sensitive controls?"
     Joe Don I thought about that one for a while, as well.
     "The cans are specially lined," he offered, finally.
     She started to move closer to him, but stopped again, and covered her
mouth.  Quickly, she retreated.
     "Now, darlin, where were we?" Joe Don I asked, more out of trying to
remember than out of any attempt to be romantic.
     "Well, I was going to consume your soul, using my erotic skills," Melu
explained.  "But I can't seem to get within five feet of you without becoming
ill, so I think I'll just kill you with this ray pistol."
     "Oh," Joe Don I said.  "Want a beer first?"

                                     -~-_-

     "I know a weiner man, he owns a hotdog stand..." Zen Navigator and
Quooth sang, making for a singing combo that could only be described as
'atonal.'  The third occupant of the psychadaelic VW minibus, Governor Schlub
(or at least whatever was possessing his body) did not join in the song, being
as he lacked a mouth, or a tongue, or a throat, or a head, for that matter.
Still, he did tap his foot as they sang, which was strange as there was no
discernable beat.
     "I must say," Quooth said, as the song ended.  "I cannot recall a time
in my long quest in which I have had such enjoyment, except for the times in
which I was hallucinating."
     "Indeed, this trip has been a pleasure!" Zen replied.  "Say, forgive me if
I am prying into personal matters, but I noticed that you have a well-cared for
harmonica around your neck!"
     Schlub began pointing at the front windshield, which was displaying the
area of space that the minibus was flying towards.  Zen handed him a bag of
chips.
     "It's my Holy Harmonica," Quooth told him, solemly.  "It will reveal that
which I seek, when I have at last encountered it."
     "Hmm, that's handy!" Zen commented.
     Schlub started pointing vigorously now, and Zen handed him a carton of
apple juice.  Schlub kept pointing, and Zen and Quooth finally looked in the
direction being indicated.
     "Say," Zen said.  "That looks like..."
     "It could be..." Quooth continued.
     "A wormhole!!" they exclaimed together.
     It opened up before them, like a big blue glowing thing with a hole in the
center.  Zen's minibus hurtled towards it, and was swallowed up before Zen
could even think about turning around.
     "Say, how did you see that, anyway?" Zen asked Schlub.  Schlub shrugged.

                                     -~-_-

     "Hello?" Kissy Hitowers asked, as she peered into the living room of her
house, which was glistening wetly.
     "Doesn't look like anyone's home," Slithis said.  "And look at all this
dust."
     "Weird," Benjen commented.  "Even the dust is glistening wetly."
     "Get used to it," Kissy said, curtly.
     "I can't take this sexual tension any longer," Jerriphrrt groaned.
     "Then take one of these," Kissy said, handing him a small vial filled with
green caplets.  Jerriphrrt took one and swallowed it.  He blinked, and let out
a sigh of relief.
     "I feel it...easing," he said.  "What's in these things, anyway?"
     "They were developed by Eroticon scientists," Kissy explained.  "They're
the pharmaceutical equivalent of a cold shower."
     "They're glistening wetly," Slithis noted, as he took one.  Benjen took
one, and all breathed a sigh of relief.
     "Now, if we can continue..." Kissy said, turning away from them.  Benjen
took a look at her in her tight nylon jumpsuit, and took another cold shower
pill for insurance.
     They proceeded through the rooms of the well-furnished but dusty house,
with Kissy's frown growing deeper with each room inspected.
     "Where is he?!?" she finally exclaimed.
     "Where is who?" Jerriphrrt inquired.
     "My guardian, G.X.P. Varneyloop," Kissy told them.  "After my father
disappeared, he was appointed to administer my family's wealth until I
reached adulthood.  I kept him on after that to manage the house and my
affairs while I was away studying to be a Space Ingenue at Interstellar
University.  I talked to him every week while I was away, including last
week!"
     "Where's the room he receives transmissions in?" Jerriphrrt asked.
     "That'd be the garage, wouldn't it?" Benjen asked.  Jerriphrrt
swatted Benjen.
     "No, he always talked to me from the den," Kissy said, as they
plunged through another set of rooms, each more bizarrely decorated than
the prior.  "Right in...here."
     She opened the door, and gasped at what she saw.
     "A robot!" Slithis exclaimed.
     Indeed, it was a robot, or part of one.  A finely-dressed torso was
attached to a machine that was linked into a massive computer.  From the
positioning of the video monitors in front of the torso, it was clear that
anyone viewing it via the monitors would be led to believe that the torso
was an actual person, i.e, G.X.P. Varneyloop.
     "All those times I thought I was talking to him," Kissy said.  "I was
talking to a drone..."
     "Looks like the whole set is powered down," Jerriphrrt noticed.  "But
didn't you say you talked to him just last week?"
     "I did, just before I started my project on Barugon B," Kissy answered.
"He seemed very slow and melancholy - said he was depressed by his unrequited
love for Connifer Green."
     "Well, here's the answer," Slithis told them, as he lifted a panel from
the console in front of the torso.  "The whole thing was being run by Supervolt
batteries."
     "How...odd..." Kissy said.

                                     -~-_-

     "Just great," Kalvin Certain whispered, as he peered out of the hairline
opening in the closet door.  "We were about to make the delivery, when they
had to barge in."
     Megabot hummed.
     "Yeah, I recognize them," Kalvin said.  "It's three of those Renegade
Anarchists.  Jerriphrrt, Slithis and Benjen, it looks like.  Don't recognize
the woman, but from the sound of it, she lives here."
     Megabot hummed some more.
     "We still have to make the delivery," Kalvin said.  "Without them knowing."
He paused, and smiled.  "And I know just how..."
     Megabot hummed, sounding impressed, for once.

                                     -~-_-

     "No, I'll not drink any of your cheap, watery beer," Melu told Joe Don I,
as she released the safety from her ray pistol.  "I mean, I'm from Hell (tm)
and all, but even there we have *some* standards!"
     "So...what're you saying?" Joe Don I asked.
     "I'm saying...goodbye, Pope Joe Don I," Melu said.  She aimed the pistol
at him and began pressing the trigger down on the contact.  Just then, the door
opened, and knocked Joe Don I out of the way.
     "Stand where you are!" Lark Purree exclaimed out of the left side of his
mouth.  He hopped in on one foot, aiming a ray pistol at Melu.
     "Why, Lark," Melu said, looking panicked.  "How...how can you be following
me?  I haven't released your soul back into your body!"
     "I don't need a soul," Lark said.  "And despite being half knocked out,
I'm still going to take you in.  I don't believe you're really a part of Special
Operations -- that's just a cover, isn't it?"
     "No, I really am a Special Operations agent," Melu said.  "I had my
succubus training in Hell, but for training in espionage and assassination, it's
hard to beat Time Central."
     Joe Don I staggered to his feet, knocking Lark's pistol out of his hands.
     "Hey," Lark said, wobbling off balance.  He fell into Melu, who fired
wildly into the air.  A piece of the ceiling fell, beaning Joe Don I on the
noggin.  Joe Don I staggered back, running into the ABPSARI.  By a staggering
plot contrivance, he managed to hit the 'on' switch, and, by an even more
staggering plot contrivance, the thing actually started humming and beeping,
like strange machines that exemplify great pseudoscientific principles should.
He ignored this, instead watching Melu and Lark struggle.
     After a few seconds, he looked around for a Schlitz.  A half-empty can
was within arms reach, and he took a sip.
     "Hrrr," he groaned.  "There's a cigarette butt in this one."  Scowling,
he poured the contents of the can into the funnel that led into the ABPSARI.
Immediately, it leapt beyond beeping and pinging and started making loud
klaxxon sounds.
     "What have you done, you fool?!?" Melu asked, suddenly alarmed.  "If that
thing actually works, the *only* thing you should put in there is spam!
Anything else will have dangerous, unpredictable results!"
     "Yeah, right," Joe Don I said.
     One second later, the Vatican exploded, dangerously and unpredictably.

WAS IT REALLY ALL THAT UNPREDICTABLE?
SO IS THIS PARTICULAR SUB-PLOT WRAPPED UP?
HOW DID SCHLUB SEE THAT WORMHOLE, ANYWAY?
WHERE DOES THE WORMHOLE LEAD?
WHERE IS *THAT* SUB-PLOT LEADING?
IS THERE ANY MAIN PLOT, OR JUST A LOT OF SUB-PLOTS?
WILL SABRE OR CHAOS RESTART THEIR SFSTORY SERIES' AGAIN?
WHAT ABOUT NATHAN IRWIN?
WHAT ABOUT SCARECROW'S BRAIN?
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?

All this and whatever else I come up with...in an upcoming edition of...
S          F          S          T          O          R          Y         !
(a wholly owned subsidiary of SUPERGUY!)
--
Gary W. Olson         swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu         swede@drycas.bitnet

       "Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao
        It is hovering o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now
        Gathered in discussion of the dropping of The Bomb
        Her Apple Corps is strong!"
                     - The Battle Hymn of the Eristocracy (first verse)