🚀 go-pugleaf

All characters are property of their respective authors, and this story is
copyrighted 1993 by Dave Van Domelen.  Permission is granted for the
distribution of this story via SUPERGUY and for archival, but all other
rights, including repost, are reserved to the author(s).

This story was written by Dave Van Domelen,
dvandom@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu.  It is to him that all praise,
death-threats, invitations to join Superguy, etc. should be directed.


Constellation #18 - "I've Got A Match" - copyright 1994 by Dave Van Domelen
               for Coherent Comics UnIncorporated
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[cover: Foreground has Sig.Lad thrashing about in a thick cloud of smoke.  In
background, one female bystander casts a rather larger shadow than she should.
Cover blurb: Smoke-out!]

[Ed. note: This story takes place immediately after the end of the Looniverse
Adrift saga, before certain plot advancements occur in the Oddball LNH
storyline.]

     Luna, the Brightside.  Specifically, the Wastelands. [last seen in #17]
     Two vehicles are seen in the distance, an Advanced Tactical Fighter and a
Hummvee.  Oddly enough, both are able to operate despite the lack of a real
atmosphere on Luna.  This is because they only look like those vehicles: in
fact they run on far more efficient power sources than combustion.  They are
RoboMACs, self-aware machine intelligences housed in variable-form robotic
bodies.  As they draw closer, the teardrop-shaped insignia bearing a highly
stylized morningstar betrays their allegiance to the MAC Empire.  MACE.
RoboMACs determined to take their rightful place at the top of the evolutionary
ladder by wiping out everything below them...starting with humanity.  They seem
to be searching for someone or something, and crisscross the area several
times.
     A figure clad in fairly advanced-looking body armor stands out in the open
as the two MACErs prowl.  The electromagnetic damping systems in his armor
shield him from most of their sensors, while his own abilities do the rest.
Perhaps they are looking for him?  His arrival did raise a ruckus in the local
EM fields, something that certainly would have drawn attention.  Hence he had
put several hundred meters between himself and his arrival point...no sense in
being found by the wrong side, after all.
     But no, they didn't seem to attach any signifigance to the arrival point,
suggesting they sought another, perhaps a rival Guardian equipped with systems
similar to the figure's.  Guardians felt humanity needed to be preserved, and
were willing to lay down their lives for it.  Typical, thought the figure.
Always the 'good guys' and the 'bad guys' in these fanfiction universes.  That
he himself was a 'bad guy' didn't seem to bother him.
     The two MACErs seemed to bore of the search, and looked about to turn
back.  Time to uncloak, realized the figure.  He deactivated his systems and
turned on wideband radio receptors to pick up their conversation.  Both
detected him at about the same time, and homed in on him, changing into their
more humanoid robotic forms and drawing weapons on him.
     "Hey, look, a ravioli!" said the former jet.
     "Huh?"  The Hummvee turned slightly to his partner with a perplexed
stance, although his face was too simplistic to convey the emotion.
     "Yeah, Roughhouse...meat in a shell!  Wanna cook it?"
     "Sure, Corkscrew!"
     The figure sighed as the robots went through the almost ritualistic
process of introducing themselves to the readers.  Sometimes it was a burden
knowing you lived in a piece of fiction.
     Beams of light spat out from Corkscrew's rifle, and missiles spewed from a
panel in Roughhouse's chest.  None reached their target, the light somehow
losing coherence and turning to mere illumination, and the missiles getting
confused and darting in all directions.
     "Whoa.  Tough noodle," commented Roughhouse.
     The figure drew himself up in his Guges armor and spoke.  "Greetings.  Now
that the formalities are out of the way, I would like to offer the two of you
employment.  My name is Acton Lord, and I hail from another reality where
beings such as yourselves are rarer, if not nearly nonexistant."
     Corkscrew, obviously the dominant partner in the group, approximated
skepticism with his metallic features.  "We already have jobs, Acton.  Killing
squishies like you.  Besides, if we quit this job, Antiochus will have us
stripped for parts and dumped here in the Wasteland."
     Acton Lord sighed.  "He cannot find you where I will be taking you.  As I
said, it is another reality altogether, where the only Antiochus is a long-dead
historical figure.  And you will still be killing 'squishies' when you work for
me, but they will not be protected by Guardians.  In my reality, there are
still over five billion humans...plenty of excess for you to kill in your spare
time."
     "Sounds good, when do we start?" asked Roughhouse.
     Corkscrew elbowed his partner.  "Waitaminnit.  First off, I'm not so sure
I wanna get exiled from here, no matter the possible benefits.  Second, can you
guarantee we'll have access to repair and refit facilities?  And that there'll
be enough computer memory for us to store backups?  You gotta give us at least
as good as we get here before we even consider following you into some strange
new world."
     Acton Lord gestured at his Guges suit.  "As you can see, I have ample
access to advanced technology for parts, and although not as advanced as your
own, I have computers capable of storing your minds."  It was only a
part-truth, though.  After Manga Man's humiliating defeat during the period of
time when the Looniverse was careering about the net, Acton Lord's source of
technology had been greatly curtailed.  Manga Man was concentrating on
rebuilding his own forces, and had none to spare for sales to Acton Lord.  The
Guges was something Acton Lord had been keeping in storage for some time.  He
was only using it because he didn't want to risk any further use of the Bio
Booster armor for the time being.  However, given a few days to study the
RoboMACs in detail, Acton Lord's Gradgnomes would certainly be able to derive
most of the important theories and applications needed to keep them in spares.
     And to build more, ones that would have personalities programmed far more
to Acton Lord's liking.  Then the MACErs would become irrelevant, and could be
disposed of before their rampaging drew too much attention.  Rampage they
would, Acton Lord was sure of it...free from fear of their enemies, the power
they held over the average Looniversian would surely corrupt them.  It was
Acton Lord's business to know this sort of thing.
     While Acton Lord had been pondering these things, Corkscrew had been
weighing his options.  Neither he nor Roughhouse were terribly dedicated to
Antiochus's goals, they simply liked to kill things.  Well, Roughhouse liked to
kill things.  Corkscrew just loved to fly without worrying about the collateral
damage he might be causing.  He was a tad crazy, but sane enough to know he'd
need lots of spares...hence his insistence.  Acton Lord's offer would let them
act out their desires with relative impunity, fearing neither punishment from
their own commanders nor opposition of those damned Guardians.
     "Alright, we accept.  Roughhouse, on my mark, relay a destruct message and
cut out of the ComNet.  That way they'll think we just got nailed by the spy or
her allies while looking for her, and maybe even bring out our backups.  If we
ever wanna come back, we can always merge onto our dupes.  Now!"
     There was a burst of EM energy, and Corkscrew set off an explosive charge
from his backpack to mask the area temporarily from scans, and also make it
seem like they really had been destroyed.  "Okay, Acton, get us out of here!"
     Acton Lord concentrated, and corrupted the boundaries between
PluRealities, creating a large warp gate to the surface of Andale Atoll.  He
didn't want to bring them into his base directly, as it might disrupt too many
ongoing experiments.  The MACErs stepped through the gate, followed closely by
Acton Lord.
     Perhaps it was the dust cloud kicked up by the explosion, or simply
overconfidence, but none of the trio saw a fourth figure slip through the gate
as an almost shadowy form.  The gate rippled closed, and when the huge MACEr
Traumastar drifted overhead in response to the destruct signal, there was
nothing to see.

               *              *              *              *

     A cloudy Christmas Eve in Ohio.  Constellation walks down a semi-deserted
street in a less than festive mood.  It had been a few weeks since he left the
Looniverse, although he wasn't sure if there was any time compression involved
between the two...for all he knew, it might be only days after the conclusion
of the Master Workload affair.  He still didn't really know what had happened
during the final hours of that, after being kicked out of IRC by Tsar Chasm.
Dot seemed to know, but for some odd reason she wouldn't tell him.  ++You don't
really need to know...you need to get some rest now, get away from all that
chaos++ she had said.  ++Once you get better, I'll tell you.  But you have
enough to worry about now...your mind is still all a-jumble.++
     So he'd spent a few weeks traveling around the Midwest in that PluReality
where he had encountered the Recharger a while ago.  It seemed safe and sane
enough a place.  By mutual agreement, he and Dot didn't talk much right now.
He needed his thoughts to himself for a while, and she needed to concentrate on
the five senses used in the worlds he preferred to be in.
     Chicago had been okay.  Columbus was pretty close to the one he
remembered, although with a few minor differences...mainly a lack of damage
caused by superhero fights.  Still, it had been a bit *too* familiar for him,
it brought up too many memories.  Maybe later he'd go back.  Cincy was way too
depressing, what with the KKK cross hoopla and all.  So now he found himself in
Cleveland, cheer capital of the world.  Riiiight.
     He'd found he had no counterpart in this world...but he really hadn't
expected one.  After all, in his home reality he never even had a real name:
Floyd Johnsson was just something he assumed for defense in the Multiversal
Office Building.  Hell, he didn't even really know what nationality he was,
although he figured he was probably European in descent.
     Problem was, not having a real identity made it difficult to get any
money.  Not that he needed to eat or sleep or anything, but he wanted some
amount of 'normal' social contact.  But without some cash, he couldn't hang out
in a bar or restaurant, or go see a movie or play, or any one of a thousand
different activities that allowed passive socialization.  Most of the free
stuff required he actively participate, and he wasn't up to that.  He didn't
want to steal money...he'd been a criminal before and decided he didn't like
it.  And begging was definitely not good for improving his outlook on life.  He
had nothing to sell or pawn, except energy creations...and that bordered on
stealing as well, since he wouldn't be selling real stuff.
     He'd heard a bit of news recently, while hanging around in stores and the
like.  There was an outfit in Denver that was sort of like superheroes.  Not
Patrollers, really...separate from that group.  He'd resisted going to them on
the grounds that he didn't want to be a superhero anymore.  But maybe they'd
take him in for a while just as a...well, probably a guinea pig, to be honest.
     Just then, he started to feel an itchy sensation that he couldn't place.
Maybe it was one of the senses he got from Dot.  --Dot?  Are you picking up
anything unusual on your senses?-- he thought.
     ++Yes, a gravity pulse.  It feels like a Recharger, and it's quite close.
Do you think they might have found out we were here?++
     --Maybe.  Let's take to the air, if they want us, they're going to have to
come after us.--
     Constellation shed his disguise of grey clothing and launched into the
air, becoming like a star against the sky.  After a few moments, the itchy
sensation stopped.  He decided to keep heading west, maybe he'd hang around in
Denver for a while to get a better idea of whether he wanted to hook up with
these Machine people.
     And down below, Patroller Brian Janssen helped a young couple to a clinic
after routing their attackers.

               *              *              *              *

     Sig.Lad and Lurking Girl walk down one of the side-streets off Rackham
Avenue, passing by various shops and restaurants.  A few passers-by give the
couple odd looks, bordering on censurious.  The net.heroes ignore the looks.
*They* know nothing illicit is happening, who cares what a few dinks on the
street think?
     "Of course, you realize, one of us will have to warn Reb that this might
end up all over the Mid.Net Sun tomorrow.  I've seen at least three badly
hidden cameras being pointed at us," sighed Lurking Girl.
     "Heh...infamy, the price of being back into stories," noted Sig.Lad.  "I
think you'd better tell him, I really don't know how to approach him these
days.  He's kinda been withdrawn and moody ever since the two of you got back
into the continuity.  It's almost like he's expecting something else bad to
happen, and doesn't know if he should just go on with life until it happens or
hide from it."
     "Well, both of us were so out of touch for a while...I'm still not totally
sure what I was doing during all that time.  I guess I was just lurking."
     "It's what you do best.  But I know what you mean.  I spent a few months
away from the LNH, and when I returned, everything was so different.  I mean, I
got accepted back with open arms, and got involved in alot of stuff right away,
but it still wasn't the LNH I remembered from before the Electrocutioner's Song
crisis.  So many old members faded away, slowed to inactivity or occasional
cameo appearances, replaced by new members who didn't really seem to fit the
old spirit.  Like Kid G, or Vulcana, or Steak-and-Potatoes Man...decent
characters in and of themselves, I suppose, but not really part of the kind of
group that the LNH used to be."
     Luri nodded.  "I suppose it's the inevitable result of success, Sig.  The
LNH kept expanding while we were gone, and most of the good shticks were
already taken.  There's only so many ways to link your costumed identity to the
net or to comic book conventions."  Luri ignored the wide path people were
cutting around them now, trying to avoid the breaking of the fourth wall.  "You
can't really fault some of them, though...Steak-and-Potatoes Man joined as a
sort of response to Cheesecake-Eater Lad, one of the originals.  Expanded
awareness of other realities has brought in some of the others, like that Video
Victor guy.  Still, I agree...I miss some of the more 'thematic' members we
used to have join.  People who embodied basic concepts, like .sigs..."
     "Or lurking.  Yeah.  Still, it's the way of the world, I suppose.  After
all, Constellation and Particle Man aren't based on comics at all, but on
songs, but they're two of my best friends in the Legion."
     Whatever Lurking Girl was going to say was cut off as a thick cloud of
smoke hit her from behind.  Hacking and coughing, she dropped to her knees.
Before she could lurk out, she was on the ground, wracked with coughs.
Sig.Lad wheeled to face the threat, pulling the collar of his costume over his
mouth to keep out the smoke.
     Standing next to a news kiosk was a man who wore a smoky grey costume,
embellished by a single white bar down the front.  His face was a mirror image
of Sig.Lad's.  Sig.Lad spoke through the heavy material, "So, I guess you're my
oddball opposite number?"
     "Yea-huck! <wheeze> Cig.Lad's the name.  And I'm gonna smoke ya and toss
away the butt!  Once yer gone, I can stay here as long as I want! Hu-uck!"
     "Well, at least you didn't turn out to be something really repulsive, like
Smeg.Lad.  I hear tell that we doubles can't touch each other without
destroying the Looniverse...how do you propose to take me out?  I've altered my
collar into a filter already, using my powers as Fashion De.sig.ner, so you
can't suffocate me."
     "Who said I <hunh> could only do that?  Mine are th' powers of the Cig!"
With that, he blew a ring of smoke that encircled Sig.Lad.  He tried to brush
it away, but it was harder than steel.  Summoning the power of Plast.sig, he
slid out of the trap using the minor stretching powers granted by that fairly
weak name.
     "Nice trick.  Got anything better?" Sig.Lad taunted.
     "Yeah.  I got a match."  Cig.Lad pulled out a match and struck it against
a reddish patch on his belt.  He used it to light another cigarette, then
flicked the match at Sig.Lad.  It grew into an inferno!
     Sig.Lad couldn't figure out a flameproof identity off the cuff, so he
reluctantly became the all-purpose invulnerable Slap.Sig.  "WoO!" he shouted as
he bounded over the flames, his skin blackening in a cartoony manner.  Seconds
later, the damage was gone, and he reverted to normal.  Using his
GIF-generator, he pulled up a stun pistol he'd scanned, and zapped Cig.Lad's
cigarette away with it.  He then played a hunch.
     "Hey, Cig.Lad...how's your evil twin, whatever he's called over there?"
     "Huh? <wheeze> I ain't got an evil twin or anything like it...what are you
talkin' about?"
     "Thanks, that's all I needed to know!"  Sig.Lad grew small antennae and
the fury of Sig.Roach flooded into him.  With a leap and a mighty punch, it was
over, Cig.Lad lay sprawled across a toppled garbage can.  Sig.Roach then jumped
up and down on him shouting, "Remember, citizens!  Always be sure your cigs are
totally out!"  Then he calmed down and went to help Luri up.
     She shook her head to clear some of the lingering smoke.  "How did you
punch him without destroying big chunks of the Looniverse?  Was the theory
wrong?"
     "Maybe, maybe not.  The important thing is, he wasn't a copy of *me*, so
the theory didn't apply."
     "Come again?"
     "He has no Acton Lord equivalent.  Therefore, he couldn't have been a GIF
copy of the original, like I am.  The original Sig.Lad died more than a year
ago, sacrificing himself in the attempt to halt Acton Lord's plan to flood the
Net with GIFs of himself."
     "Who are you then?"
     "One of two GIF copies of Sig.Lad to survive the corruption of the data.
The other was further trapped and eventually went back in time to become the
original Acton Lord.  I stayed unstable for a while, until I finally got cured
by finding the Sword of Sig.  All the other copies of me were too unstable and
died."
     Luri looked at her feet for a moment.  "Oh," she said quietly.
     "Don't worry about it...I had months to come to terms with it.  I can cope
with it now, no problem.  Anyway, if Cig.Lad didn't have an equivalent of Acton
Lord, there's no way he would have been a GIF of himself...so he wasn't really
my Oddball counterpart.  Hey, look...he's fading."
     "Must be the end of his time limit.  C'mon, let's get back and report
this."
     Taking to the air with their Flight.Thingies, the two Legionnaires headed
back to the LNHQ.

               *              *              *              *

     A few hours ago, on Andale Atoll, the mysterious hitchhiker on Acton
Lord's warp gate had recovered from the shock of passage and quickly hidden
herself among the rocks of the barren islet.  Once she felt the coast was
clear, and the MACErs safely away, she activated her jetpack and skimmed away
over the water.
     Later, a young girl followed Sig.Lad and Lurking Girl back to the LNHQ,
silently tracking them from the ground for the few blocks it took.  She waited
for the two heroes to enter the building and get well away from the entrance
before walking up to the door herself.
     She entered, and walked up to the man behind the reception desk.  Smiling,
she said, "Hello, my name is Robotgirl.  I can turn into a giant robot.  How do
I join the LNH?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Warning: Spoilers for later issues in the last Roster entry.

Roster Entries:
Corkscrew
Character Type: NWC Villain
Group Affiliation: Acton Lord's forces, formerly MACE
Enemies: Any Guardian, Sig.Lad (by default)
Background: A former resident of the alt.toys.transformers fanfic multiverse,
     Corkscrew is a RoboMAC, a transformer-like intelligent robot.  He can
     change into a swept-wing fighter with extreme speed and maneuverability,
     and has more firepower than a modern-day wing of fighter-bombers.  Despite
     his obvious abilities in the air, he is constantly getting into crashes
     because of his crazy flight habits.

Roughhouse
Character Type: NWC Villain
Group Affiliation: Acton Lord's forces, formerly MACE
Enemies: Any Guardian, Sig.Lad
Background: As with Corkscrew.  His alternate form is a Hummvee, and he packs
     firepower equivalent to a squad of missile trucks.  His attack of
     preference is an anime-like swarm of unguided missiles, but he also has
     a large autocannon pistol.  He's fairly simpleminded and belligerent.

Robotgirl
Character Type: NWC Wild Card
Group Affiliation: Her Own Side, nominally LNH
Enemies: MACE, whoever she last pissed off
Aliases: Kopikat
Background: Also a RoboMAC, Kopikat is affiliated with neither side.  She spies
     on both sides and sells the information she finds.  At the time of her
     first appearance, she was hunted by both sides, but MACE wanted her more
     dead than the Guardians did.  Seeing the chance to get away from both
     sides for a while, she sneaked out with Acton Lord.  Her alternate form is
     a large robotic cat, but the combination of size-change and hologram
     systems allows her to mimic many more forms.  However, her combat
     abilities are severely curtailed out of her base two forms.  As an LNHer,
     she maintains that her power is to become a robot (which is her true form)
     and doesn't show her shapeshifting power otherwise.

     Dave Van Domelen, Lesse, Transformers and Patrollers and LNH all in one
story!  Whee!


[Reposter's note: I'd like to point out that Patrol stories can be found on
rec.arts.comics.creative.  Dave was part of that group for its first year, but
has since gone on to other venues.  RoboMACs is a role-playing game he's
developed.  Ask him about it.]