🚀 go-pugleaf

                              The Defense Squad          QUOTE OF THE DAY:
                                 Episode 179           "You know, we really
                           The Last Turdian, Part 3     don't have a word
                                     or                 for 'male bimbo.'
                         One-way ticket to wackiness    Well, alright:
                                 Written by             'senator.' But
                                 Bill Paul              still..."
                         The man with two first names     -Elaine Boozler

CONTINUED FROM PART THREE...

        "Damn!" Pesci (coincidence) exclaimed, "Don Pacino (coincidence)
will have our heads for this!"
        "We're not beaten yet!" said Piscopo (coincidence), "There's
still time for us to catch up to him! He can't make the jump to
overly-hyped space until he clears the solar system!"
        So saying, Piscopo (coincidence) led his partner to a nearby
short range shuttle which, for the purposes of aethetics, happened to be
shaped just like a Studebaker, and the pair got in. The roar of the
engine filled the hanger and the wheels folded up under the bottom of the
craft. Now floating a few feet off the ground, the craft slowly backed
out of its berth, then angled upwards, matching the trajectory Loko's
bike had taken, and exploded into space.
        Loko kicked on the stareo and blasted a few hundred decibels of
Black Sabbath into his head while planet Chicago fell away behind him.
The rumble of the cycle invigorated him, help him temporarily forget that
he was still wearing a tacky evening dress. Unfortunately, it also
prevented him from hearing the proximity alarm, and thus he completely
failed to notice Pesci (coincidence) and Piscopo (coincidence) pull into
range until after they opened fire on him.
        Energy blasts spat from the Studebaker's headlamps and streaked
by just to Loko's starboard side. Instinctively falling back on his
Turdian resistance training, Loko pulled the bike sharply to port, then
began a complicated series of evasive maneuvers to keep his persuers from
drawing another bead on him. He would have prefered to turn and fight,
but with the edge of the solar system coming up and escape only a jump
into overly-hyped space away, there wasn't really any point.
        Ozzy's voice continued to tear at his ears as another volley blew
past. The shots were further off target this time, indirectly telling Loko
that his evasive tactics were working, at least to some degree. Now only
seconds from the jump point, he began programming a course for Partyworld.
Although neither Edgar Von Blim nor Larabeth had said it specifically,
Partyworld was sure to be their rendevous point: the Mafia would be
expecting them to head either to Earth of planet Turd, which made it a
logical choice.
        The salvaged Kreep drive system began to shudder beneath him as
power started pouring into it. The status monitor counted down the time
to ignition: only ten more seconds before the jump. The Studebaker made
an unexpected surge forward and managed to pull up to Loko's tail again.
Spotting them in the rear view mirror mounted to his handle bars, he tried
fending them off with his laser pistol, only to have his shots bounce off
its armored fenders. Seeing the countdown reach two seconds, Loko flipped
them the bird and planted his feet firmly on the accelerators.
        With one second remaining, a final shot from the Studebaker
slammed into the warp cycle's power plants, sending them raging out of
control. Ozzy Osborne and the shrieks of space crying out in pain as it
was abruptly torn aside competed for the honor of burning out Loko's mind.
The universe fell away as the overloaded warp drive propelled him along
at unspeakably hyper-theoretical velocities in Elvis only knows what
direction. Time seemed to stand still. Then it lurched forward again.
Then it danced the lambada (the forbidden dance!) on Loko's head and
punched him in the kidneys. Stars stretched and contracted while shifting
through a million different shades of taupe.
        Loko's head throbbed. His skin burned. His teeth itched. It was
indeed fortunate that a planet smacked him in the face some seconds later
or he would have thrown up rather violently.
--------------------------------Burma Shave---------------------------------
        Frank Sinatra (coincidence) spent weeks angrily chastising his
Mafia troops after their attack on planet Belgium failed. Many of them
later disappeared under mysterious circumstances, and although their bodies
were never recovered, the tabloids continue to overflow with theories
linking the incident to planet Nevada's ever increasing number of 'mystery
speedbumps.'
        Desperate to save his neck, Sinatra's (coincidence) top advisor,
James Cagney (coincidence), conceived a plan to save face in the eyes of
his leader and prove to the Belgians that their unimaginable wealth
couldn't protect them from everything.
        After some initial preparations, Cagney (coincidence) travelled
to Belgium and met with Belgian officials to once again attempt to negotiate
a partnership between their two organizations. When the Belgians again
refused, Cagney (coincidence) shook his head, put his arm around the
shoulder of the senior Belgian delegate and explained to him just how
volatile the planetary real estate business was, and how upset he would
be to see them hurt by any... unfortunate accidents.
        The Belgians balked at the notion that their business was in
danger. Cagney (coincidence) took their hostility in stride and quietly
left Belgium a short while later.
        The next day, a Belgian world was struck by a rogue comet and
destroyed moments before its new owner was to make a down payment on it.
Not only did the Belgians lose the sale, neither the Belgians nor the
comet had collision insurance.
        The day after that, a starliner carrying a dozen potential
clients to a Belgian regional sales office was attacked by pirates. All
aboard were robbed and then killed. The Belgians were forced to slash
their prices in order to overcome the bad publicity.
        Threatening letters were then sent to the Belgians's advertising
agencies warning them that doing further business with the Belgians could
be bad for their health. The factory that made their sales brochures was
firebombed. And after certain key officials at the Intergalactic Board of
Health were made aware that photographic evidence existed of their less than
official vists to Mafia-owned brothels, the Belgians found it virtually
impossible to get any of their new or refurbished worlds certified as
safe for habitation.
        Belgian sales plummeted. Investors withdrew their backing. Banks
started calling in loans. Belgian profit margins sunk lower than ever
before in Belgian history. For a while things were so bad the Belgians
couldn't even *give* a planet away. At last, they contacted Sinatra
(coincidence) who seemed genuinely touched by their plight and promised
them that the Mafia could guarantee the safety of their interests.
        For a small fee.
        Thus it was that the Belgians became the first victims of the Great
Protection Racket, and crime became organized for the first time.
        That, apparently, is all the information the cereal boxes have to
offer. Luckily we seem to have found the true central processing center of
the universal historians, which means that we can now consult the database
and retrieve the rest of the data we need.
        This is where things get interesting: from here we will learn
how the Mafia evolved over the next few thousand years and discover how
its modern incarnation came into being. We have at our disposal the rest
of the Mafia's history, complete up until the current day. All we have to
do now is pull this level and watch the information...
        *flushhhh* *guuurgle-gurglegurgle-gurgle-shlup-gurglegurgle*
        ...flow.
        Hurm. Wait! Wait, don't leave yet: I think there's a condensed
version printed on the toilet paper! Wait...!

IS THERE A CONDENSED VERSION OF THE MAFIA'S HISTORY PRINTED ON THE
TOILET PAPER?????
WILL WE EVER FIND THE DATA STORAGE CENTER?????
WILL THE RENEGADE DEFENSE SQUAD FRANCHISE MEMBERS DISCOVER ANYTHING
INTESTING IN NEW YORK?????
WILL THE SCARLET SHRUBBERY DISCOVER ANYTHING INTERESTING IN NEW YORK?????
WILL HONEY AND DEAR DISCOVER ANYTHING INTERESTING IN NEW YORK?????
WILL THE GINSU WORLD CLASS ARMOR BE DISMANTLED?????
WHAT IS THE NATURE OF ITS MYSTERIOUS 'MALFUNCTION'?????
WHERE HAS LOKO CRASHED THIS TIME?????
WHO WAS THE BALD GUY WITH THE RUBBER DOGGIE POOP?????
WHAT WAS THAT FORM HE GAVE LOKO TO FILL OUT?????
Find out in the next episode, appearing only in... SUPERGUY!!!!

"Superguy: made from the best stuff on Earth."