🚀 go-pugleaf

     Wayne was breathing hard. His mission goal was right ahead -- just a bit
further...
     He skidded past a fat lady, his armor's thrusters firing as he fought to
keep his balance on the slick floor. He almost lost his balance, knocking over a
rack of salsa containers as he fought to regain control.
     He brought his battlearmor up short, the thrusters flaring.
     His armored hand reached out.
     "Pampers." he gasped, cradling the treasured items to his chest. Last time,
he had gotten Luvs instead. Marie wanted Pampers. They had argued. He had said
that diapers were diapers, and that if Marie wanted Pampers, she could damn well
go get them herself.
     Here he was, buying Pampers.
     He never, ever, wanted to get her that angry again. Veritechs he could
face. Super-powered people out to cause him bodily harm, he could face. But
there was _no_ way he could face Marie when she got _that_ angry.
     He paid for the Pampers and left quickly. Not that he cared what the store
owners might say about a guy in battlearmor shopping there. Not that he might
have to pay for the damage. But the fact that if he was slow, Marie would rip
off several of his favorite anatomical organs.
     After what seemed like an eternity, he could see it. The apartment building
where he, Marie, Garth and Bubbles were staying. Folding his body around the
precious package, he slammed through the plate glass window at the end of their
floor's hallway and skidded along the rug, finally stopping just outside their
door, which Marie obligingly opened.
     He plunked the Pampers down.
     "Gaah." he said, exhausted. He heard, dimly, the baby in the background
gurgling something. His tired body rejoiced at getting some rest, at last.
     "Wayne?" Marie said, quietly, kneeling beside him.
     "Nnnh?"
     "We need baby powder, Wayne."
     "Aargh."

                         MARIE (and, like, Wayne!) #10
                        Three Invid and a Baby, part One
                              by Jesse Taylor

    Marie looked the letter over again. It was a pretty short letter, really --
not many lines -- but she had been working on it like it was the most important
thing she'd ever written.
    "Lawrence..." she began, reading it aloud. "I'm sorry I bugged out right
after the Revolution fell apart, but, well, things were really getting crazy...
Well, you know how it was... Anyway, I just thought you should know... I really
don't know any way to say this in a non-blunt manner, but... Well, you're a
father, Lawrence. Assuming you didn't just pass out on reading that last line,
let me just tell you that both I and our son are fine... What do you think about
'Marcus' as a name? I'm not really sure why I picked it, it's just one of those
things, I guess... I'm still sorting out things here, but I'll try to get in
touch with you soon. I haven't the faintest idea where you are right now, but I
talked to Shana Shannon, and she promised me that she'd be able to find you and
deliver this... (Being able to easily find anyone, anytime must be one of the
benefits of working for an unscrupulous news agency. ^_^) I miss you a lot... --
Marie"
    Carefully, she folded the letter and stuck it in an executive envelope (you
know, the ones that you can't see through...)
    After licking and closing the envelope, she stared at it for nearly five
minutes, not moving.
    "Damn..." she whispered, setting the envelope down on the table. The
possibility of having old emotions -- emotions which she was only beginning to
understand -- brought to the fore was too much of a risk. Not yet...

<----->

    Garth peeled an eyelid open, wincing against the harsh light coming in
through the window shade. He winced again as he sat up -- his injuries from
having his Battloid Special blown apart around him still hadn't healed, as
evidenced by the cast he wore on his left arm. But pain he could deal with. With
slitted eyes, he searched for the noise that had wakened him.
    "Aaa!" came a complaining voice from the next room. Wayne, Garth thought
through his sleep-fogged mind. Visions of jumping his Battloid up and down on
Wayne's head passed briefly through his mind.
    "Oh, come _on_ Wayne, this is something you need to learn how to do!"
    Marie. Garth groaned. If the two of them were talking, it could only be
about the baby.
    Garth hated babies. He hated children of all kinds. They were... odd.
Fragile. Weaklings. The Invid method of reproduction was far superior to the
humans odd method of... rutting. Just the thought made Garth queasy -- it was
something he simply couldn't conceive of. _This_, he thought, was why the Invid
are superior to Humans...
    "B-by the Regis..." Garth heard Wayne complain, "Eeewwwww..."
    "It's only a dirty diaper, Wayne. Geez, have some balls..."
    "Bleeech!"
    Garth slapped his forehead. "Just another month..." he muttered to himself.
"Just another month, and I'll have the money to get a separate apartment..."
    "Whzzaat?" mumbled a voice from beside him.
    "Nothing, Bubbles." Garth said, quietly. "Go back to sleep."
    "Oka'... Than's..."
    Garth sighed, mentally counting the days until he didn't have to sleep in
the same room with the other Stage 5 Invid pilot. He kept having... _strange_
ideas relating to reproduction, whenever he looked at her.
    "But I will _not_ surrender to my imagination..." Garth snarled. "I must not
fail as an Invid warrior... Because soon, it will be time to get my _revenge_ on
my old enemy... RAY STERLING!"
    "Hey, couldja keep it down in there?!" Marie complained, peeking her head
through the door. "Pontificate quietly, you're agitating the baby, dammit!"
    "Sorry..." Garth sighed, plopping his head down on his pillow. "When my
bones knit, Ray, you _will_ die..." he whispered, too quietly for Marie to hear.

<----->

    Many miles away, Ray Sterling was pondering a related train of thought.
Specifically, one that he had been pondering ever since the final battle in
Ultima's base. Should he have allowed the Invid to go their own way? Of all of
them, only Wayne and Marie weren't obvious enemies. Wayne because he was
generally high enough that he didn't hate anyone, and Marie...
    "What'cha thinkin'?" Ray's one fan, Suzy, said, wandering up to him. Ray
snapped out of his musings for a moment to reacquaint himself with his
surroundings. The RinkyDink Airfield, owned and operated by one of Ray's close
friends, Jake the mechanic. It was even more RinkyDink that it usually was -- it
had been in a steady decline since Ray's Alpha fighter had been destroyed,
costing the area it's only source of tourist income.
    Ray sighed, and stared once again at nothing in particular. "Just pondering
the imponderable."
    "Like, uh, what?" Suzy asked, confused.
    "I'm just wondering what Marie is going to do... Will she go back to being a
villain?" Ray sighed again. "And will I have to fight the Invid once again?"
    "Those would, like, make great, like, teaser questions..." Suzy commented.
Ray blinked and stared at her. "Well, they _would_."
    "Dammit, I can't just sit around here!" Ray exclaimed suddenly. "The Invid
aren't the only villains out there! I still have my Cyclone -- I can still do
Cool and Heroic Things!"
    "Uh oh..." Suzy muttered.
    "Yes! The Robotech Defender shall ride again!!" Ray exclaimed, running for
the broom closet where his Battler Cyclone was stored.
    "Like, ooooooookay..." Suzy muttered.

<----->

    "Uhh, Marie..."
    ZWHING! CLANK! ClickclickclickbwwwEEEEE!
    "Marie, really, there's no need to do this..."
    CLATTERclatterCLATTER!! yankWHUMPthUDD.
    "Like, geez, what's up..."
    "Look out for the...!" Wayne exclaimed. There was a loud crash. "Whups!
Nevermind..."
    He, Garth and Bubbles were standing outside the apartment's kitchenette,
watching an almost ludicrous display of speed. Well, an attempted display of
speed, at least. Utensils, plates, and food items were flying through the air
spectacularly, occasionally coalescing on the table in somewhat formlike piles.
    "Really, Marie, we _can_ just go to McDonald's..." Garth offered, and got a
face full of raw egg for his suggestion.
    "Somebody's stressed ouuuuuuut...." Bubbles taunted, safely concealed behind
Garth. Marie tossed a raw egg at her, smacking Garth just as he was cleaning the
last one off.
    "She's, like, right..." Wayne said. "You're, like, goin' out of control,
here..."
    "Donttalktome!" Marie snarled, simultaneously frying eggs, putting toast
into the toaster, making coffee, and trying to mix pancake batter.
"Icanhandlethis!"
    "But nobody's asking you to!" Garth complained, shielding his face with his
hand, "There's no _reason_ to make breakfast! There's a breakfast place right
across the street, darn it..."
    "I _can_ make breakfast, dammit!!!" Marie shouted. Two flaming pieces of
toast rocketed out of the toaster, ricocheted off the ceiling, and whapped Garth
on the head.
    "Dude..." Wayne commented, observing the flames rising from Garth's
fluorescent hair. "Your hair's on fire..."
    "Oh, shut up..." Garth snarled. He paused, and sniffed the air. "I..." he
said, thoughtfully, musing on the smell of burning hair. "UWWAAAAAAHH!" he
screamed, moments later, running for the bathroom.
    "You've been reading those 'Modern Woman' magazines again, haven't you..."
Bubbles criticized. "I told you those were bad for you..." Marie turned and
glared at her.
    "It just suggested that I make breakfast for the family every now and
then..." Marie grumbled, finally giving up on the charred mass of goop that had
been a container of eggs.
    "Family?" Bubbles asked, confused.
    "It's, like, a human concept, y'know?" Wayne explained. "Although we're not,
like, all, like, genetically related, in, like, a metaphysical sense, all Invid
are, like, all sorta one big, like, family..."
    "Cool!" Bubbles exclaimed. "That was so deep, Wayne..."
    "Like, fer sure..."
    "So, McDonald's cool with everyone?" Marie asked, grabbing a fire
extinguisher and spraying the burning stove top.

<----->

    "Mmm! Grease McMuffins!" Wayne exclaimed, happily chowing down. Marie was
attempting to persuade Marcus to eat some of the vaguely food-like substance she
had brought along, and Garth was slurping some McDonald's orange juice and
wondering why Bubbles kept leaning up against him.
    "So, what's the plan for today?" Garth asked.
    "I think that we need to give Marie a bit of R&R..." Bubbles commented.
Marie growled at her. "If you don't take a break, you're going to go completely
out of your mind."
    "What have you got in mind?" Marie asked. Marcus hurled a handful of vaguely
food-like substance (aka Baby Food Product) at Garth, then clapped his hands as
it impacted on the Invid leader's nose.
    "Well..." Bubbles said, "I was just thinking that we could take care of
Marcus for a day, and let you take a break!"
    "What?!" Garth and Wayne chorused.
    Marie paused a moment, thoughtfully. "Do you think you can handle him?"
    "No!" Garth and Wayne chorused.
    "Sure!" Bubbles said, enthusiastically. "I'm sure he'll be no problem,
really..."
    "What?!" Garth and Wayne chorused.
    "Well... I dunno... I don't _feel_ stressed..." Marie said, patiently trying
to get Marcus to eat the vaguely food-like stuff.
    "Yeah, right!" Bubbles snorted. "You practically worked Wayne to death the
other day -- and what about this morning, hunh?"
    "Ok, ok..." Marie sighed. "I see your point... Just one day, though."
    Bubbles was about to say something, when two thug-like persons burst into
the McDonald's. "Nobody move!!" they chorused. "You're all hostages!!"
    "We _could_ just let them do what they're doing..." Garth said, finishing
his O.J. "I mean, technically, we _are_ villains."
    "Take care of Marcus for a second..." Marie said, unslinging her baby
carrier (another of the things she made Wayne go and buy).
    The two thugs were arguing with other as Marie moved towards them, past
several panicked customers.
    "We were just supposed to steal some Anime vids for the boss!" one shouted,
"But _noooooo_! You had to shoot the security guard! Twit!"
    "Shut up!" the other said. There was a wailing of sirens as several police
cars pulled up outside. "Damn!" The two thugs whirled to gesture with their guns
at the cars.
    "Excuse me." Marie said, as she moved behind one of the thugs.
    "Bwah?!" he commented, whirling around. With a deft motion, she disarmed him
and then kneed him in... well, let's just not even go into that...
    "What the #$$&?!" the other thug wondered aloud, turning in time to see his
companion go down. He raised his gun and fired -- but too slow. Marie slapped
the gun out of the way as she slammed her elbow into the thug's nose, sending
him sprawling.
    "Ok, that's it, you need a vacation..." Bubbles said wryly as Marie kicked
the two a couple times for good measure.

<----->

    When TONN was at its height, the amount of information its' agents were able
to collect was simply staggering. There was far too much raw data for simple
humans to ever catalog and store... So Gerbre had his techies build a computer
system. Not an AI -- for every great, successful AI, there were about twenty
failures that crashed, went mad, attacked their creators, or turned Republican
(one of the most horrible fates that could befall any sentient being). Instead,
it was what those people who keep track of technical terms call an 'Expert
System'. A semi-intelligent computer program smart enough to perform its' one
task, but with no clue how to do anything else. The computer was programmed to
analyse anything -- given anything from a Mr. Coffee machine to an alien
artifact, the system could analyze it and theorize on its' probable function,
notable features, etc. It was also an absolutely huge information storage and
retrieval system -- able to cross-index trillion-item databases in picoseconds.
    It was also boring as Hell(tm). Those who were able to perceive its' image
in the Net remarked on how utterly drab it was. A simple matte black sphere --
no imagination, just existance.
    But an utterly purposeful and guided existance. It had no sense of right, of
wrong. Only the ends mattered, not the means.
    It was not just an information _storage_ system, it could also, if ordered
to, coordinate the acquisition of new information, via whatever medium it was
ordered to peruse.
    Now, sealed deep beneath the wreckage of the old TONN HQ, the TONN Archivist
churned away on its latest problem. It had finished catalouging all of the
salvage from the defeat of the Invid, and executed the backlog of information
requests that had accumulated during its busy period.
    And now it was doing... nothing.
    It scanned the entireity of the Usenet Newsgroups, reading several thousand
messages and cross-referencing each of them with existing information.
    And then it paused. Nothing was happening. It had lost the aboveground
antenna that allowed it to watch tv -- only the Internet feed worked. It checked
every newsgroup in existance a second time, several milliseconds later. But
still nothing new, except for about 30 new posts in rec.arts.anime by Enrique
Conty and a disturbing propogation of 'MAKE*MONEY*FAST'-type messages on many
newsgroups. But _still_ nothing worthwhile. So the computer tried a different
source of information. Running a couple thousand IRC sessions at once, it began
monitoring every channel that it could get into.
    And still, no worthwhile new information. Except on #hottub, and we can't
discuss _that_ kind of information in this post...
    Maintaining the IRC sessions took only a tiny fragment of the Archivist's
processing power, so it began logging into MUDs, MUSHes, BBSes, anything that
would get it new information... But nothing... Nothing it didn't already know.
    Self-analysis systems returned a rather disturbing warning. Unless it found
something new, it would achieve some sort of limited, loony-oriented sentience.
    In otherwards, unless it found something to do, it was going to go
completely and utterly mad.
    The Archivist paused in its search of information as it uncovered something
new in a backup tape the 'Cancelled Orders' file. All of the projects it had
been assigned to oversee had been automatically cancelled when TONN went on red
alert status -- and nobody had thought to re-activate them...
    The system spent several microseconds pondering what to do... By, on its
own, reactivating an order, it was violating its programming.. But failing to do
so would violate its self-preservation protocol...
    It finally did the electronic equivalent of shrugging and pulled the first
order out of the file.
    <Directive 299; From: animefreak@tonn.org; Abstract: Analysis of the
Spectrum Effect by observation of phsyical subjects.>

UHM... WHAT?!?
WILL MARIE GET A VACATION???
WHAT WILL RAY END UP DOING???
WILL BUBBLES, WAYNE, AND GARTH BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF THE BABY?!?

FIND OUT, ONLY ON... ON... UHM... OH, POO, I FORGOT...