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                            RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                              THE SINGING OF CATS
                              (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                   Episode 8
                                  "Kumquats"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                     -~-_-

     The walls of the wormhole flashed by, projecting neon blue light into
the interior of the psychadaelic VW minibus.  Zen Navigator, Quooth, and
the headless Governor Schlub watched the light show, with Zen and Quooth
consuming popcorn, and Schlub holding the bag.
     "Now this is what I go through wormholes for," Zen commented.  "I
mean, look at the elegant contours of the vortex of death that surrounds
us.  It's art at its finest."
     "Truly, this wormhole is a pleasure to experience," Quooth said.  "Though
I'm not sure if I've been through any others.  What do you think, friend
headless one?"
     Schlub considered, then gave the thumbs up sign.
     "If I'm not mistaken, this wormhole was rather recently constructed,"
Zen commented.  "Notice the sharp, fresh contouring of the ectoplasmic
energy matrix, the unfinished texture of the random destructive energy
bursts.  Clearly, this is a work in progress."
     "It is?" Quooth asked.  "Very interesting.  But, then, what creates
wormholes, anyway?"
     "Oh, giant space worms, usually," Zen said.
     Schlub started pointing, insistantly.
     "You mean, like that one?" Quooth asked.
     "Yes, like that one..." Zen started.  He blinked, and lowered his
shades.
     Giant space worms, much like giant space weasels, are far larger than
your ordinary worm, or your ordinary weasel, for that matter.  The particular
one that Zen's minibus was rushing towards at ridiculously huge speeds was
approximately two miles in diameter, a violent shade of chartreuse, and was
currently doing some lovely detail work on the walls of the wormhole with
its mile-wide mouth.
     It sensed a morsel hurtling towards it, and turned its mouth to intercept
it.
     "Hmmm," Zen commented.  "I knew I should have sprung for the worm
ingestion insurance."
     The minibus flew into the worm's mouth.  The worm did not belch, as that's
not something that worms, even giant space versions of worms, do.  It did,
however, murmur with vague satisfaction.

                                     -~-_-

     Jerriphrrt, Slithis, Benjen, and Kissy Hitowers looked up as the doorbell
rang.
     "That sounded like the doorbell," Jerriphrrt commented.
     "Duh," Kissy snapped at him.
     "But didn't we leave the front door behind a few miles ago?" Slithis
asked.  "That's one loud doorbell."
     "We circled around the house," Kissy told him, impatiently.  "The
living room is one room over."  She opened the door and walked into the living
room, towards the front door.  Slithis, Jerriphrrt, and Benjen looked at each
other, shrugged, and followed her.
     The doorbell rang again.
     "All right, already!" Kissy yelled, as she flung open the door.  "Who
the hell do you think you...oh."
     Megabot, very poorly disguised in a thin robe and a mop that was attached
to the top of his head to simulate hair, hovered menacingly.
     "Can we help you?" Jerriphrrt asked.
     Megabot swiveled its head so it could regard the cat-morph with its single
crimson eye.  A compartment opened in its chest, tearing through the cheap robe,
and a small metallic hand extended a piece of paper forward.  Kissy took the
piece of paper and read it.
     "Would you care to accept a copy of the Watchtower?" she said.  She looked
up at him.  Megabot looked down at her.  "NO!" she told him, shrilly, just
before she slammed the door in his face.
     "Um, I don't think that was a good idea," Benjen said.
     "I don't have time for door-to-door pests," Kissy said.  "Now, let's go
back to the other room and figure out why the person I thought was G.X.P.
Varneyloop has turned out to be a robot..."
     The rest of her sentence, if any, was completely obliterated, along with
the front door.  They turned to see Megabot hovering in the doorway, its robe
mostly obliterated by the plasma cannons it had fired to destroy the door.
     Kissy, reacting instinctively, screamed.  Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and
Benjen, reacting instinctively, covered their ears and grimaced.  Megabot,
reacting instinctively, began firing its plasma cannon again, causing Benjen
to uncover his ears, pick up Kissy by the waist, and dash quickly towards the
room that they had just exited, followed by Jerriphrrt and Slithis, who were
still clutching their ears.
     Benjen saw the man who was standing next to the robot first, and dropped
Kissy to the floor.  She landed with a thud, and stopped screaming long enough
to kick Benjen in the shin.
     "Ow!" Benjen exclaimed.  "Hey, you're Kalvin Certain!"
     "That's right, kid," Kalvin said.  "Kalvin Certain the Supremely Stealthy
and Suave Master Smuggler, at my service."  Jerriphrrt, who had removed his
hands from his ears in time to hear this, noticed that Kalvin had removed
the Supervolt batteries from the G.X.P. Varneyloop robotic torso, and that
an open package of Duraspam batteries was on the console top in front of it.
     "Mister Varneyloop asked us to make a delivery," Kalvin explained.  "We
weren't expecting to encounter anyone here."
     Megabot blew through the wall, and hovered smugly.
     "Allow me to introduce Megabot the Mind-Bogglingly Vicious Killer Robot
of Nine Trillion Exploding Stars," Kalvin said.  "Otherwise known as That
Big Metallic Idiot."
     Megabot regarded Kalvin with an injured hum.
     "I told you to distract them, not shoot them full of holes!" Kalvin
growled at him.  "How do you expect me to be supremely stealthy if you
blow stuff up loudly?"
     A metallic hand extended from Megabot's chest.  The metallic digits were
curled, save for the middle one, which was extended.
     "Right, well, we've made the delivery, like Varney wanted," Kalvin said.
"Now we just gotta turn this thing on, kill these creeps, and leave."
     He slapped the battery panel on the torso shut, and flipped the console
back on.  The Varneyloop torso came to life, and started talking.
     "--s, Mr. Varneyloop, I am set to engage the matterswing matrix so that
you may acquire...acquire...hello?"
     Varneyloop turned to regard Kalvin, Megabot, Jerriphrrt, Slithis, Benjen,
and Kissy.
     "Oh, dear," it said.  "Intruders.  This is not good."
     "I'm not an intruder, you pile of corroded circuits," Kissy told him,
angrily.  "Now you had better explain what's going on, and why you've been
impersonating my guardian, G.X.P. Varneyloop, and where the real G.X.P.
Varneyloop has been in the meantime, and why he hired these two morons to
replace your batteries..."
     "Hey!" Kalvin protested.  "I'm not a moron!  I'm suave!"
     "I'm not allowed to answer those questions," Varneyloop told them.  "In
fact, the entire situation forces me to matterswing you to your doom.  Terribly
sorry."
     "No you're not," Jerriphrrt accused.
     "Okay, I'm not," Varneyloop said.  "Bye, kids."
     Kissy Hitowers began to scream again, this time with good reason, as
a green glow descended upon Megabot.  There was a flash of light, and seconds
later, Megabot was gone, replaced by his weight in empty Budweiser cans.
Jerriphrrt, Slithis, Benjen, and Kalvin disappeared in the same manner moments
later, as did Kissy.
     The Varneyloop torso sighed with mechanical relief, and turned back to
the main console, flexing its fingers.

                                     -~-_-

     "No, don't eat that power cell, Logan," Sajanseel Boudoir said, taking
the power cell in question away from Logan, who, indicentally, bore a striking
resemblence to Dennis Hopper.  Logan looked at Boudoir blankly, and began to
drool.
     "Look, I've got to go arrange a meeting with the others who feel as I...
as we do," Boudoir said, "that you were the best leader we've ever had, and
that you're the one we want as our Chief again.  You just stay here, and don't
eat anything, okay?"
     Logan stared at Boudour uncomprehendingly, and made another try for the
power cell.  Boudoir scowled.
     "I *suppose* I'll have to get someone in here to babysit you while I'm
away, right?" he asked.  "Great.  Just great.  I can't spare any of my trusted
operatives at the moment, and I certainly can't ask any other Time Central
employee to do the job.  Why, they'd have to be incredibly stupid...I mean
*incredibly* stupid, so stupid that a lobotomy might actually increase his
intell...li...hmmmm."
     He pressed a button on his desk intercom.
     "Lt. Flyby, this is Sajanseel Boudoir.  Please report to my office
immediately."
     "Yes sir!" came the violent response.  There was a crunching sound as
the intercom on the other end got destroyed, presumably by a grenade.

                                     -~-_-

     The minibus skidded to a stop, which was a difficult task, considering
the fact that it was trying to grip its wheels to some rather slimy giant
space worm innards.  The occupants of the minibus were still for several
moments, as they considered their current predicament.
     "I hate it when this happens," Zen said, finally.
     "If I might ask," Quooth said, "has this happened to you before?"
     "Yes," Zen said.
     "And how did you escape then?" Quooth asked.
     "I didn't," Zen said.  "I died.  That's why I dislike it."
     "Ah," Quooth commented.
     Schlub tried to slap his forehead, but, lacking such an item, he
missed, and sprained his wrist.  Neither Zen nor Quooth noticed.
     They *did* notice when a sizeable explosive sound occured behind
them, near the rear of the minibus.  Thick smoke filled the minibus, and
Zen rolled down his window, letting the atmosphere inside the minibus
escape in an instant.  He rolled the window back up, and waited for the
Oxy-Moran to replace the air, which it did.
     "That was a startling experience," Quooth commented.  "What happened?"
     Schlub pointed to the figure who had materialized within the minibus,
accompanied by an odd, tacky-looking machine.
     "Hi," Pope Joe Don I said.  "Got any beer?"

WILL ZEN BE ABLE TO SATISFY POPE JOE DON I'S REQUEST?
HOW DID JOE DON I GET OUT ALL THAT WAY FROM EARTH, ANYWAY?
WHY DIDN'T MELU OR LARK APPEAR WITH HIM?
WILL ZARK FLYBY MAKE A GOOD SITTER?
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Like you're ever going to find out.  Read SFSTORY, only on SUPERGUY.
--
Gary W. Olson         swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu         swede@drycas.bitnet

       "Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao
        It is hovering o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now
        Gathered in discussion of the dropping of The Bomb
        Her Apple Corps is strong!"
                     - The Battle Hymn of the Eristocracy (first verse)