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                            RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                            THE UNCLOGGING OF DRAINS
                              (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                   Episode 9
                                   "Lettuce"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                     -~-_-

     "Oog," Slithis groaned.  "Will someone tell the elephant to stop dancing
on my head?"
     "Hey, elephant, stop dancing on his head," a voice ordered.
     "I'm not dancing," the elephant claimed.  "I'm marching."
     "Whatever," Slithis said.  "Just stop it, okay?"
     "Sure thing," the elephant said, as it lumbered off of Slithis's head.
Slithis lifted his reptilian head up, to note that the elephant in question
was a small one, approximately two feet wide, clad in lily green boxer shorts
and a bright red chapeau.
     "He sure looks different than the other two," the voice commented.
Slithis looked around, but couldn't see the source of the other voice.  For
that matter, he couldn't see much of anything, aside from the miniature
elephant and the ground, which looked papered over.  There were no walls to
speak of, and the floor extended beyond Slithis's visual range.
     "Whoah," Slithis commented.
     "I'm Beauregard," the elephant told him.  "The disembodied voice is
Lewis."
     "I'm not with him," Lewis claimed.
     "Then why do you keep hanging around, then?" Beauregard asked.
     "Because that's my body you've got!" Lewis exclaimed, rather whiningly.
     "Hey, I won it fair and square," Beauregard told him.  "You never should've
called my bluff."
     "Ow," Slithis commented, as he sat up.  "How did I get here?  What planet
is this?"
     "As for the latter question, I don't know, and neither does Lewis,"
Beauregard said.  "We got randomly transported here a few months ago.  We was
on Barbados, and I was escorting Lewis here out of the Disembodied Voice
Pleasure Dome."
     "You didn't have to escort me," Lewis said, petulantly.  "I was doing
quite fine on my own."
     "You sounded like Mickey Mouse after inhaling helium," Beauregard said.
"Anyway, like I was saying, I was escorting this lout, and we went into this
elevator, and voom!  Next thing I know, we're here."
     "Was there any green glow?" Slithis asked, suddenly forgetting his
headache.
     "Hmmm...don't remember none," Beauregard said, thoughtfully.  "You, Lewis?"
     "Oh, I suppose *now* you want me to talk, hmmm?" Lewis asked.
     "Yes!" Beauregard and Slithis exclaimed.
     "Nope," Lewis said.  "Don't remember any green glow."
     "Neither do I," Slithis said.  "But I think you may have been brought
here by the same transporter that I was.  Some friends of mine were also on
Barbados, and they were teleported away too."  He paused, thinking.  "Say, you
said I didn't look like the 'other two.'  Which other two?"
     "Well, there was another one who appeared around the same time as you
did," Lewis told him.  "And five minutes later, there was this explosion,
and another guy appeared.  They went off searching for a way out of here.  I
tried telling them there was no way out of here, but they didn't listen..."
     "Here they come now!" Beauregard said, pointing with one of his feet.
Slithis saw them as they approached, and wondered how they had gotten so
close without him having spotted them earlier.
     "Slithis!" one of them exclaimed.  He was limping, and his hand was
slapping the sideburn on the other side of his face.
     "Lark?" Slithis asked.  "Is that you?"  He recognized Megabot, hovering
next to Lark, looking as confused as a heavily armed red robot could possibly
look.
     "Sort of," Lark said.  "How did you get here?"

                                     -~-_-

     "You know why I've asked you here," Sajanseel Boudoir said, as he let
a ring of smoke escape from his nostrils.
     Lt. Zark Flyby stared at him, blankly and violently.
     "Um," he said.
     He thought about it some more.
     "Yes," Zark said, finally.
     "What is that reason?" Sajanseel asked.
     That stumped Zark.
     "Kill?" Zark asked, guessing wildly.
     "No kill," Sajanseel told him.  He pointed at Logan, who was now dressed
in an ill-fitting Time Agent's uniform and was gnawing at the cufflinks.  "You
are going to babysit him, and make sure he doesn't leave this room.  And don't
kill him, either.  He has to stay alive."
     "I don't let him leave the room alive," Zark said.  "Got it!"
     "No, no, no," Sajanseel sighed.  "Keep him here, keep him alive.  No
kill."
     Zark sighed.
     "Who is he?" he asked.  "He looks like Dennis Hopper."
     "And a can of spam in the pan-try," Logan told Zark, in response.
     "Odd, he reminds me of Chief Logan, also," Zark mused, violently.
     "Zark!" Sajanseel barked.
     "Sir!" Zark exclaimed, saluting.  He hit himself in the head in the
process, thus scrambling whatever cogent thought had been threatening to
form within.
     "I'll be back in one hour," Sajanseel said.  He turned and walked out
the door.  Zark watched him leave, and turned to look at Logan.  Logan waved.
Zark waved back.

                                     -~-_-

     Susan B. Anthony looked sternly at the group she had assembled in docking
bay 666, waiting until she had complete silence before she proceeded.
     "As you know, earlier today, the Vatican on Earth blew up," she said, in
a lecturing tone.  "We had had Melu Ulem, our top succubic assassin, sent
to Earth from Time Central to do the job.  However, the soul of Pope Joe Don
I has not shown up, either in Hell, or in Heaven, or in any registered
afterlife in this universe.  Which means that somehow, he managed to escape."
     "Could I ask you something?" Milagro Bekn'kse asked.
     "What is it?" Susan asked.
     "Weren't you Satan's executive secretary?" Milagro asked.  Susan shot him
a poisonous glare.
     "He got tired of me carting in load after load of paperwork for him to
sign," Susan told him.  "Eventually he had me 'promoted' to the position of
'Executive in Charge of Plans to Dominate Sfstory' and kicked me out.  Last I
knew, he's been trying out a string of tarts for the job of secretary, and he's
too busy chasing after his son to run his affairs here, on the Sfstory side
of Hell.  Therefore, it's up to us to find Joe Don I, and finish the job that
Melu started."
     "Now just a goddamn minute!" J. Edgar Hoover shouted.  "I'm more than
willing to go after that commie pinko subversive Pope, but there ain't no way
I'm going to take any orders from a woman!"
     Susan pressed a button on the bracelet on her wrist, and flames shot out
of Hoover's trousers, causing a great deal of loud yelping on his part.  Behind
him, Edgar Allen Poe cringed.
     "Well, maybe this once," Hoover squeaked.
     "I'm ready," Bennett Quark said.  "I've been cooped up in Hell too long!
It's about time we saw some action!"
     "Oh, shut up," Hourus Jebillip said, thwacking the brilliant but
dangerously unstable scientist, who had once been on Hell, Inc's Board of
Directors, back when it had a board of directors.  "How are we going to find
out where Joe Don I is?  If he was teleported away, he could be anywhere in
the galaxy by now!"
     "We don't know where Joe Don I is yet," Susan said.  "But we've got a
way to find out.  Captain Poe, is your ship ready to leave dock?"
     "Ulp!" Poe ulped.  "Um, yes, ma'am, um, sir, um..."
     Susan pressed a button.  Flames shot out of Poe's trousers, as did a
smouldering raven.
     "Caw!" the raven exclaimed, between hacking coughs.  "Bloody 'ell, lady,
you could have warned me!"
     "You keep a raven in your trousers?" Milagro asked Poe.
     "Um, nevermore," Poe answered, smiling weakly.

                                     -~-_-

     "Nhrrrrr..." Jerriphrrt groaned.  "Gham...where are you...Gham..."
     He presently came to realize that he was lying face down on a stone floor,
his nose sort of smushed up against the surface.  He lifted himself up into
a seated position, and looked around.
     The stone room was eight feet wide by eight feet wide, and featured a
single bed, with just a thin white sheet.  Not that it felt like he would
need much cover.  Indeed, it was rather hot, at the moment.  Jerriphrrt looked
down, and was startled to discover that his jumpsuit had been replaced by a
thin loincloth.
     "Oh, joy," Jerriphrrt sighed.  "I finally get a clue as to just what
the heck is going on, and I get transported into some sort of clothing-
optional prison."
     "PRISONER!"
     Jerriphrrt jumped at the sound of the loud voice, which seemed to be
coming from all around him.
     "Um, yes?"  he asked.
     "YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF DEFILING THE TOMB OF THE GREAT FERTILIZER
GOD KA!  WHEN THE SUN RISES, YOU WILL BE TAKEN TO THE DITCH OF REALLY BAD
KARMA, AND WILL BE FLUNG IN!"
     "Could you not talk so loud?" Jerriphrrt asked.  "My head hurts."
     "AM I REALLY TALKING LOUD?" the voice asked.
     "It sounds like you're shouting," Jerriphrrt said.
     "HOW'S THIS?"
     "The same."
     "WELL, NEVER MIND THAT!" the voice exclaimed, cheerfully.  "I'LL WAKE
YOU UP IN THE MORNING.  ENJOY THE LAST NIGHT OF DREAMS YOU'LL EVER HAVE!"
     A humming sound left Jerriphrrt's ears, and he realized that the sound
effect had to have been created by a series of speakers that lined the cell,
which meant that the planet he was on wasn't quite as low-tech as it appeared.
     "Enjoy my dreams," Jerriphrrt muttered.  "Ha."
     Just then, there was an exploding sound, and a succubus landed on his
lap.
     "Yikes!" exclaimed the succubus, as she hung on to Jerriphrrt's neck to
keep from falling over.
     "Yow!" exclaimed Jerriphrrt, for several reasons, among them being the
fact that the succubus was very sexy (as succubi are wont to be), the fact that
her uniform was in tatters (which enhance the first fact rather pointedly), and
the fact that she was sitting in his lap.
     "Where...where am I?" she asked, breathily.
     "You're in a cell of some kind," Jerriphrrt said.  He spotted a name tag,
and looked at it.  "Miss...Ulem?"
     "What?" she asked.  "I don't know what you're...Jerriphrrt?"
     "You know me?" Jerriphrrt asked, shocked.  "But I don't know you!"  He
blinked.  "Of course, we could have met on Barbados.  There are whole months
I spent there that I still can't remember..."
     The succubus stood up rather sharply.  Jerriphrrt looked up and whistled,
then looked down, and quickly pushed his loincloth back down.
     "What are you looking at me like that for, Jerriphrrt?" she asked.  "It's
me, Lark!"
     Jerriphrrt blinked.  "Lark?  Are you nuts?"
     "Look, it's a long story," she said.  "I was assigned to escort this
succubus to Earth, only she swallowed my soul and then tried to attack the
Pope.  There was this explosion, and I woke up here, in control of my own
body again."
     "Um, Lark," Jerriphrrt said.  "Look down."
     The succubus looked down, and peered at her cleavage.
     "YAAAAA!" was her response, before passing out.
     Jerriphrrt sighed, and decided to pass out too, to save time.

WILL PASSING OUT SAVE TIME?
TIME FOR WHAT?
WHAT SORT OF PLACE ARE SLITHIS, MEGABOT, LARK'S TRUE BODY, AND BEAUREGARD AND
     LEWIS BEING KEPT IN?
WHAT HAPPENED TO BENJEN, KISSY, AND KALVIN?
WHAT ABOUT BRENDA?  OR JOE DON I?  OR THE OLD TIME RAG, FOR THAT MATTER?
WHY DO THINGS SEEM TO BE FRAGMENTING EVEN MORE THAN BEFORE?
WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF LOVE?

SFSTORY lives, and you are there!
--
Gary W. Olson         swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu         swede@drycas.bitnet

       "Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao
        It is hovering o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now
        Gathered in discussion of the dropping of The Bomb
        Her Apple Corps is strong!"
                     - The Battle Hymn of the Eristocracy (first verse)