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                              RADIAN & SHADEBEAM
                                  Episode 52
                          (Mass Confusion, part two)
                                  "Hack Cats"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                    -<=*=>-

     The forests of the Pacific Northwest are renowned for being breathtaking
to view and for being incredibly picturesque.  The air has a purity and a
crisp quality, particularly in winter, that has drawn dreamers, drifters, and
poets from all over the continent.  It is a place where one can lose oneself,
find inner peace, and explore everything that the senses have to offer.
     The bikers of the Pacific Northwest are also renowned for being
breathtaking to view and for being incredibly picturesque, but not in the
positive sense that the forests lay claim to.  The air that the bikers emit
is neither pure nor crisp, and the only people they tend to attract wouldn't
know a couplet from a chihuahua.  They are often lost, find inner peace only
after consuming gallons of intoxicants, and have little sense to explore.
     As you can see, the forests and the bikers have little in common, aside
from the fact that there are less of them than there were in the sixties, and
the fact that they are often home to small furry animals.  But the bikers
manage to get along with the forest pretty well, which is good, as they often
find themselves sleeping off drunken stupors under cover of thick foliage, a
result of behaviors described in the following paragraphs.
     The Goonfire Inn was not a place where tourists tended to stay.  It was
well off the beaten path, miles away from any paved road, and on most nights
of the week it tended to emit loud screeching sounds that were sometimes the
fault of the music being played on the jukebox and sometimes the fault of a
biker experiencing a new use for steel chains.  If that wasn't enough to
scare off any person with reasonable standards of decor and taste, the array
of motorcycles, some of which had steel trays affixed to their sides, like
sidecars only less useful, would do the trick.
     The inside of the Goonfire Inn was not any more encouraging than the
outside.  An assortment of picturesque, breathtaking bikers, men and women
alike, were fighting, dancing, drinking, and passing out, often in that order.
There were no keys on the pegboard behind the desk that would ordinarily be
where the innkeeper would be sitting -- no one had rented a room in the Inn
in ages.  The owner of the property didn't care -- in fact, he was in one of
the corners, explaining to a biker's helmet one of his many secret fantasies
involving pottery clay and the Partridge Family.  There was a bar of sorts,
and everyone seated at it was apparently their own bartender.
     When Badass, Chalandra, Akane, and Shadebeam opened the door and stepped
in, they stopped and took in the picturesque sights and breathtaking smells.
Badass frowned slightly, but remained otherwise impressed.  Chalandra raised
an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.  Akane grimaced slightly.  As for
Shadebeam...
     "Cool!" she exclaimed.  "Now this is a party!"
     -You said it!- Kyoko exclaimed, happily.
     *I'll be in the Z Medallion if you need me,* Symon told them in a
vaguely disapproving tone, before he disappeared.
     "This is your idea of a place we can talk in?" Chalandra asked Badass.
     "Give it a chance," Badass told her.  "It'll grow on you."
     "Oh," Akane said.  "I was wondering what those green spots were."
     They stepped in farther, and some of the less inebriated bikers began to
take notice that strangers had entered their curious paradise.  One of them,
a leather-clad mountain whose beard could have housed an endangered species
or two, stared at them for several moments before belching loudly.
     *I'm joining Symon,* China told them.
     -Chicken,- Kyoko said, mockingly.  -You'll stay, right, Andro?-
     -Oh, sure,- Andro said, peering over Shadebeam's shoulder.  -This looks
like a feline-friendly establishment.-
     "Hey," the aforementioned mountain-sized biker said, finally.  "Where'd
you come from?"
     "The door," Akane answered.
     "You too, huh?" the biker asked.  "What'll you have?"
     "Beer," Badass said.
     "What kind?" the biker inquired.
     "Cold," Badass replied.
     "Funny," the biker said, as he took another step forward.  Akane was
impressed -- he actually loomed over Badass, which was not an easy thing to
do, given that Badass was rather impressively sized himself.  "You wanna
keep all those teeth?"
     "You wanna keep your internal organs?" Badass asked back.  Akane noticed
that the sound level in the Inn had abruptly dropped, and that all eyes that
weren't focused on the minute details of tables, walls, or floors were focused
(in the loosest possible sense) on them.
     "Um, Badass..." she said.  "Perhaps we should..."
     "Lay off," Badass told her.  "This mound of bile couldn't scare my
mother."
     "Oh, yeah?" the biker asked.  "Well, take this!"  He swung his thick
fist and connected with Badass's jaw.  Badass didn't reel back, and took the
opportunity to knee the biker in his rather broad stomach and break a handy
bottle over his head.  The biker rabbit-punched Badass, and Badass retaliated
by jumping on the biker, smashing him into a table.
     Neither Akane, Chalandra, or Shadebeam were prepared for the laughter,
not only from Badass, but from the biker as well.  Badass stood up and helped
the biker to his feet, slapping him on the back after he had completed that
rather difficult task.
     "Ladies, I'd like you to meet Chopper Alvarez, the meanest sonofabitch
in this part of the country," Badass said, his donkey-shaped face displaying
an incongruous grin.  "Chopper, this is Chalandra Harkness..."
     "No kidding!" Chopper said, sounding genuinely impressed.
     "You've heard of me?" Chalandra asked.
     "Big guy here's told me a lot about you," Chopper said.  Badass carefully
avoided the poisonous glare that Chalandra shot at him.  "And who are these
two visions of loveliness?"
     "Actually..." Akane began.
     "The pale one is Radian," Badass said, cheerfully.  "The blonde is
Shadebeam."
     If the inn was less than noisy before, it was almost quiet now.  Akane
mentally took note of where the door was, and how many bikers she might have
to get past to reach it.
     "No kiddin," Chopper said.  "I've heard of you."
     "Lots of people have," Akane said, carefully.
     "They say you're wanted everywhere in the world," Chopper said.  "You've
been on the run for a year now, and you've got the feds hot on your tail.
There's also a helluva big reward out for bringing you in."
     Chopper reached into his jacket, and Akane tensed, reading a large burst
of radiation for the attack that seemed imminent.
     "I got just one thing to ask you," Chopper said.
     "And that is?" Akane asked.
     The biker whipped out a pad of paper and a pen.
     "Will you sign this for me?" he asked.
     Akane blinked.
     "Please?" Chopper asked, a pleading note entering his voice.  "I'm your
biggest fan!"
     -Literally,- Andro purred.
     "Well...okay..." Akane said, taking the pad.  She signed the pad: 'To
Chopper, um...cool beard.  Love, Akane Moroboshi, a.k.a. Radian.'  Chopper
took the pad back, and read what she had written.  Tears began welling up in
his eyes.
     "Thank you!" he exclaimed, bear-hugging her.
     "Oof!" Akane exclaimed.
     "Beer's on me!" Chopper exclaimed to the bikers in the bar, who erupted
in cheering.
     -Literally,- Andro purred, sniffing.

                                    -<=*=>-

     "We called you in," Special Agent Rowan Atkinson said to the three denim-
clad bikers who stood in front of him, "because you're the M.I.B.'s best
undercover agents in this part of the country, and because you know the hidden
society of this state better than anyone else in the organization, except maybe
the Special Special Agents, and the Director, of course.
     "We're ready, sir," the first of the bikers said.  "What are our orders?"
     "Field Agent Cheeto," Special Agent Donald Sutherland said.  "You, Field
Agent Mandolin and Field Agent Skinny will be coordinating the search for
Radian and Shadebeam in this state.  If she's anywhere in the state, you're to
locate her and report her location to us.  You're *not* to attempt to capture
her, or let her know she's been found."
     "Can't we rough her up just a little?" Mandolin asked.  "Huh?"
     "No," Atkinson said.  "Just do as you're ordered.  Is that understood?"
     "Certainly," Cheeto said.  Mandolin glared, and Skinny slouched.
     Atkinson turned to Sutherland and nodded.  The two inconspicuous
government agents nodded to one another and walked out of the less-than-tidy
cabin.  Mandolin watched them drive away in their inconspicuous government-
issue automobile, and grimaced.
     "Those agents bug me...!" he exclaimed.  "They really bug meeeee!"
     "Don't let 'em bug ya, baby," Cheeto told him.  "Now, what say we round
up the boys and set 'em to work, huh?"
     "Alright, Cheeto," Mandolin said, putting on his helmet.  Skinny shrugged,
and consumed some more of his diet milkshake.

                                    -<=*=>-

     "Hey, Roy, I think we're lost," Roy Tupelo said, after careful
consideration.  He looked around the dark woods, from where he sat, on his
motorcycle, with considerable consternation.
     "I think you're right, Roy," Roy Rodgers answered.  "Shee-oot, I coulda
sworn it was left at the big tree that looked sort of like Margaret Thatcher."
     "What're we gonna do, Roy?" Roy Thomas asked.
     "Beats me, Roy," Roy Jackson replied.  "I...hey, wait.  Here comes someone
now.  Maybe we can ask them."
     They watched the someone approach, on a loud motorcycle adorned by
colorful crepe paper.  The rider of the motorcycle looked to be a few spokes
short of a wheel, but his bike was fairly impressive.
     He pulled up and smiled at them in a somewhat deranged manner.
     "Can you help us?" Roy Tupelo asked.  "We can't find our way back to the
highway."
     "Highway?" the Spirit of Minor Vengeance asked.  "Um..."
     "I don't think he knows, Roy," Roy Rodgers said.
     "You could be right, Roy," Roy Jackson told him.
     "Give him a chance to answer," Roy Thomas said.
     "You guys all named Roy?" the Spirit of Minor Vengeance asked.
     "Yep," all the Roys said.
     "And you're all lost," the Spirit of Minor Vengeance asked.
     "Yep," all the Roys said.
     "Hmmm," the Spirit of Minor Vengeance said.  "I guess that would make you
the Lost Roys, wouldn't it?"
     He began cackling insanely, and the Roys leaned back in their motorcycle
seats, away from him.  The Spirit of Minor Vengeance started up his bike again
and roared away, laughing heartily.
     The Roys thought about what he had just said, and realization finally
dawned.
     "Dohw!" the commented.

                                    -<=*=>-

     "Mass confusion!" the jukebox blared.  "Mass confusion!  I can't take
no more of this...no no no no no!"
     "Yes!" everyone in the Inn cried out in unison.
     Chalandra laughed and finished off her mug of Black Hook porter.  The
party was in full swing all around her.  Even Akane, who was seated next to
her, seemed to be having a good time for a change, despite the fact that a
long line of bikers were having her sign everything from their helmets to their
six-finger bags.  Chopper and Badass were refilling their mugs as soon as they
were emptied, and everyone seemed to be having a biker version of a good time.
     "Badass," she said, trying not to let her voice slur too much.  "You
said you wanted to talk, but not on the road."
     "Er, yeah," Badass said.
     "Well, we're not on the road," Chalandra said.  "So talk."
     "She's gotcha there," Chopper told Badass.  Badass scowled at him, and
Chopper laughed.  "I'll just leave you two alone for a bit.  Hey, Kookie!
Bring me another beer!"
     "We'd better stagger off for a bit ourselves," Akane told Shadebeam.
     "I wan' stay here," Shadebeam told her.  "My beer is here.  I wan' be
with my beer.  I--urk!"  Akane pulled Shadebeam from the table by the collar.
Shadebeam barely managed to snag her mug as she was forcibly parted from the
table.  Chalandra watched them go, and turned to look at Badass.
     "So, where've you been for the last year?" she asked, getting to the
point.
     "Mostly here, mostly there," Badass said, after taking a long sip of
beer.
     "Here and there being?"
     "I went to Nepal for a while, to visit Mama," Badass said.  "Akane showed
up there -- did she tell you about that?"
     "I knew about it," Chalandra said.  "I helped them escape."
     "Figured as much," Badass commented.  "Didn't think Manny'd get so sloppy
as to just let them walk out.  How's he doing?"
     "Fine..." Chalandra said, her voice hesitating.  "...last time I saw him."
     "What happened?" Badass asked.  "You two break up?"
     "Not as such, no," Chalandra said.  "We just had a...difference of opinion
on some things."
     "Like Radian."
     "Yeah.  Like Radian."
     She paused a bit, unsure of how to say what she had to say next.  There
was no use sugar-coating it, she decided.  Besides, the alcohol in her, while
not enough to really affect her (no quantity of intoxicants could do that),
had taken the edge off her mind, and she couldn't think of any other way to
put it.
     "I still love him," she said.  "That hasn't changed."
     "Figured that, too," Badass replied.  He sighed, and took another long
drink.  "You know, when you told me that, last year, it hurt.  I don't let a
lot of things get to me like that, and from the way I reacted, you can
probably see why."
     "It was an emphatic demonstration, one we're not likely to forget,"
Chalandra told him, smiling a bit.  "I have to admit, I wasn't taken by
surprise.  But I never wanted to hurt you like that..."
     "I know," Badass said.  "But that's the past.  I ain't hurtin' now."
     "Found someone else?" Chalandra asked, her eyebrow raising.
     "You could say that," Badass said.  "She's north of here, in the
mountain settlements.  That's where I was headed when you gals picked me
up.  I was zipping around the state in my Chevette when bang!  It up and
dies on me.  Fortunately, I'd already finished my supplies run, and now all
I have to do is get back to the Third Eye community, and..."
     "Third Eye?" Chalandra asked, leaning forward.  "You've been there?"
     "Yeah," Badass said.  "You know it?"
     "I know someone there," Chalandra said.  "Someone very special to me.
It's where we're heading."
     "Well, hell," Badass said.  "Mind if I ride with you up there?  My
legs are sore from all this walking and carrying this bag here."  He indicated
the large dufflebag that he had slung under the table.
     "You're welcome, always," Chalandra said.  She looked around for Akane.
"I'd better ask my fellow fugitives, though.  Now where..."
     She spotted them, over by the bar.  A number of bikers were clustered
around them, though none of them were looking at Radian or Shadebeam.  Instead,
they were looking at one another, and their expressions were quite far from
friendly.
     "I asked her to dance first!" Chopper yelled.  "You wanna make something
of it, Lump?"
     "Yeah, I do!" the biker identified as Lump replied, brandishing a chain.
"She deserves a real man...like me!"
     "Break it up, both of you!" Kookie told them.  "Let's just ask her who
she likes the best!"
     "All right!" Chopper yelled.
     Akane looked up, and gulped.
     "Um..." she said.
     "There, you see?" Lump asked, agitatedly.  "She likes me best!"
     "Does not!" Chopper growled.  "I saw her giving me the eye earlier!"
     "That was you lookin' in the mirror!" Kookie told him.
     Chopper replied to this by roundhousing Kookie into the mirror
behind the bar.  Lump hit Chopper with the chain as Akane and Shadebeam
ducked.
     "Everyone attack!" the man in the back said.  And, lo, it turned into
a barroom blitz.
     You know, there could be a song in that.
     Chalandra ducked as three beer bottles flew overhead and struck Badass
in the face.  Badass growled happily and stood, pushing his chair behind him.
He didn't reach for his weapons -- for this kind of fight, fists were enough.
Fists and breakaway chairs, both of which were present in abundance.
     Akane floated over the erupting fight, while Shadebeam chose the low
road, dashing between the legs of several surprised bikers in order to get
over to the table where Chalandra was.
     "We're getting out of here," Chalandra told her.  "Help me with Badass."
     "Aw, it's just getting interesting," Shadebeam sighed.  "Reminds me of
the good old days in Darktown..."
     "We're leaving," Akane said firmly, as she landed.  Badass, who was
hip deep in unconscious bikers and was creating more, did not seem to hear
what she was saying.  Chalandra stood and grabbed one of his wrists.  He
looked at her and scowled, but offered no resistance as she led him towards
the door.  Akane and Shadebeam followed, with Akane scooping up Andro from
the bowl of beer he had been drinking in the process.
     -Hey,- Andro said, clearly annoyed.  -This is the first good drink I've
had in ages...-
     -Just when things were getting interesting,- Kyoko sighed.  -Hey, China,
Symon, any more room in that medallion?-
     "Deal with it," Akane said, as she issued a burst of diffused light to
obscure their exit.  It was an unnecessary gesture, as the bikers were too
busy fighting each other to notice.
     In fact, it wasn't until the bikers heard the sounds of motorcycles
starting up and roaring off that they noticed their beloved icon and her
friends had departed.
     "Aw, hell," Chopper commented.  "Now look what you gone and done."
     "Me?!" Lump asked.  "You're the one who was hornin' in on my territory."
     "Now, listen, you..." Chopper started.
     "Guys, guys," Kookie said.  "They're getting away!  If you keep arguing,
you'll never see her again!"
     "He's right!" Chopper yelled.  "All right, Hack Cats -- let's sidehack!"
     The bikers who were still in an upright position, which was about half
of them, ran and/or staggered out the door.  Some of that number got onto
the single motorcycles that were present and started them up, revving the
engines loudly.  The others got onto the motorcycles that had the metal tray
contraptions on one side, with one rider taking the motorcycle seat, and
another hopping onto the tray, holding onto the metal bar that ran from the
seat to the base of the tray with his or her rear end hanging low to the
ground, in classic side-hacking position.
     They roared off into the night, in hot pursuit.

WILL THE HACK CATS CATCH RADIAN, SHADEBEAM, CHALANDRA, AND BADASS?
WILL RADIAN BE FORCED TO CHOOSE WHICH BIKER SHE LIKES THE BEST?
WILL ANY OF THE BIKERS VENTURE INTO UNKNOWN TERRITORY (I.E. THE SHOWER) IN
     ORDER TO INCREASE THEIR CHANCES OF BEING CHOSEN?
WILL CHEETO, MANDOLIN, AND SKINNY FIND OUR HEROES FIRST?
WILL THEY BE DOING ANY SHOWERING?
DOES THE SPIRIT OF MINOR VENGEANCE SHOWER?
DOES THE AUTHOR?

Find out on SUPERGUY, the only newsgroup that cares enough to ask teaser
questions.
--
Gary W. Olson         swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu         swede@drycas.bitnet