🚀 go-pugleaf

     Key Li Pan awoke to an empty bed.  This was not the most common of
circumstances.  In fact, one could even say it was uncommon.  Rare, maybe.
Less likely than Barry Manilow recording a cover of the Sex Pistols' "God Save
the Queen," even.  In fact, the laws of probability gave better odds on Lisa
Marie Presley and Michael Jackson getting married.
     But that's just plain silly.
     Regardless, Key woke up alone.  The oddity of the circumstance was made
worse by the fact that she had not gone to sleep alone.
     "Kent?" she called.  She supposed he could be taking a shower.  She
slipped out of the bed and stretched.
     There was a folded piece of paper on her writing desk, next to the ink-
smeared remains of fifteen Bic pens.  Obviously Kent had left a note.  He was
sweet that way.  She picked it up and tried to read it, but the handwriting was
so horrid, coupled with the ink smearing the page, that she could only make out
the word `beneficial,' and it was spelled wrong.
     But no matter.  Kent sometimes got restless and went out half the night
doing good deeds.  He so much wanted to be a hero.
     But then, Kent *was* a hero.  Key was always impressed with how heroic he
could actually be.
     The hero in question was, right at that moment, flying over Nebraska.  He
had been flying over it for some time, and was amazed at how large the state
actually was.  Of course, he expected the state of Colorado to be purple the
way it was on his globe, so his perceptions were not necessarily accurate.
     The hero's name was Kent Clark, or Cure-All son of Bore-All if you want to
be precise.  But anyone looking up and seeing him wouldn't call him that.  Not
while he wore his purple uniform with the garish orange swimming trunks, lime
green belt, orange boots, and lime green "M" emblazoned on his truly mammoth
chest.  No, that person would look up and say "My God, Emma!  It's Mighty Guy,
the Mightiest Guy Around!"
     And that person would be right.  Mighty Guy, the abnormal visitor from
distant and destroyed Planet Helium!  Faster than a Lawyer's Hourly Rate!  More
Powerful than the Internal Revenue Service!  Able to leap tall buildings, FAA
approved flight paths, sub orbital arcs, and planetary satellites in a single
ill-advised bound!  The Man of Petrified Wood!  The Megapolis Moron!  Stripped
of his ineffectual disguise as an overly polite and massively built reporter
for the World Weekly Shmooze, Mighty Guy was forever ready to continue his
never-ending battle for veracity, equity and the raising of American Insurance
Rates!
     "Help!"
     Mighty Guy skidded to a stop (as much as anyone could skid when floating
in air).  "A cry for help!" he bellowed heroically.  "There is one in need, and
I, who was sent to this world by Bore-All, my own father, to carry on the
Helium Way and promote justice must answer that call!"
     "Help!" the person cried again, reminding Mighty Guy that he was speaking
of a specific situation, and not in the theoretical.  "I must use my Mighty
Good Eyesight to seek out the source of the danger!"  So saying, he brought his
Mighty senses to bear, and swiftly became entranced by the patterns of magma
just below the surface of the Earth's mantle, some hundreds of miles into it's
crust.
     "Help!" the voice cried again, snapping Mighty Guy out of his reverie.  He
looked down with his normal eyesight, and noticed three muggers were
surrounding one woman.
     "That's odd," he said.  "I didn't think Nebraska had this level of crime."
     "HELP!!!!" the woman shrieked again.  Even the Muggers had stopped now,
and were tapping their feet impatiently.
     "Oh, right!" Mighty Guy shouted.  "Have no fear, good woman!  You shall be
kept safe by The Mightiest Guy Around!"  So bellowing, he hurled himself with
all his Mighty Speed straight for the criminals, underestimated by about three
feet, and plunged straight into the tarmac and dirt of the street, creating a
shockwave which obliterated three square blocks, and caused one mugger to
plunge into the crater Mighty Guy left behind.
     Seconds later, Mighty Guy ripped out of the Earth right beneath the second
mugger, throwing him three hundred yards before he landed in the local
cemetery.  His fall, fortunately, was broken by a marble monument.
     Mighty Guy looked around himself, confused for a few seconds, before he
remembered what he was doing.  "Aha!  Now foul miscreants--"
     "Miscreant!" the last mugger shouted.
     "Right!  Foul miscreant -- although I could have sworn--"
     "Save it, Mighty Guy!"  The mugger grabbed his victim and held his knife
to her throat.  "If you don't want to see this woman get a second smile, you'd
better back off!"
     "Get a second smile?  That must be quite a sight!  Is it makeup, or
special effects like they used in `The Mask?'"
     "Um, he means he'll cut my throat," the woman clarified helpfully.
     "Oh!  Hmph -- nothing about that would make me smile even once."
     "No no no," the mugger said.  "It's a *metaphor*.  An expression.  When
you slit someone's throat, it looks a little bit like a smile, so we--"
     "But where would the teeth come in?  A good smile needs teeth."
     "Um, Mighty Guy, could we just leave it as he's threatening to kill me?"
the woman said, having begun to sweat.
     "Well, I suppose that -- KILL you?!  *Never!*  I swear on the grave of my
sacred father Bore-All of Helium that I shall not rest before you are safely
out of danger, Miss!"
     "Then you better just back off, Pal!  Or I'll--"
     "Careful what you say," the woman hissed.  "Single syllables if you can."
     "Right.  Thanks.  Back off or I'll do really bad things!"
     "You cad!"  Mighty Guy used his Mighty Fast Thinking.  He didn't dare try
to use his Mighty Strength or Mighty Speed to get the mugger away from the
woman, lest he accidentally knock the knife into her throat.  It was time for
his Mighty Hot Vision!  He squinted his eyes at the knife, figuring to raise
its temperature twenty degrees and startle the criminal into dropping it.  He
eased his Mighty Hot Vision on....
     The entire city block behind the mugger and woman exploded into a fiery
holocaust, with gas mains and automobiles exploding like firecrackers.  The
mugger saw this, dropped his knife, and ran.
     Mighty Guy leapt to the woman's side.  "You're safe now, Miss!" he cried
out, clapping her on the back and accidentally driving her through eight blocks
of buildings until she came to rest in a bank vault, where she was later
arrested for Attempted Grand Theft.  Then, with a job well done, the Bastard
Son of Helium hurled himself into the air once more, sweeping towards
California and CalForce, where his life had taken him since he had left the
Adjusted League Unimpeachable, of which this is the seventy fifth issue so it
seemed appropriate to show Mighty Guy's adventures just one more time.



                               The Adventures
                                   of the
                        Adjusted League Unimpeachable
                               guest starring
                             good ol' Mighty Guy

                                 Episode #75
                "So how did you spend your summer vacation?"
                                     by
                     Eric, Lord Sabre, Seattle resident



     On the Eastern Seaboard there was a region called New England.  This was a
bit odd as the Old England still seemed to be perfectly usable, but there you
go.  Along the coast of New England there was a state called Massachusetts, and
on the coast of Massachusetts there was a city called Boston.
     If one followed the coast of Boston, they would find the mouth of the
Charles River.  Traveling up the Charles (assuming one could find a boat that
wouldn't be corroded by the pollution) you would reach the border between
Boston and Cambridge, where you had the towers of Boston University and Hot Dog
Grill and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology on opposite banks.
     Heading for the Boston University side, you would find yourself on Bay
State Road.  One block up from that is Commonwealth Avenue.  And at 660
Commonwealth Avenue, one will find a huge, hideously ugly concrete building.
     Designed by a state prison architect, the building had a five story base
that took up an entire block.  On the Eastbound end of the block there was a
Taco Purgatory that had a lease that dated back to Boston University's
ownership of the building.  On the Westbound end there was a Store24
Convenience store.  In between the two was a huge, hideously ugly doorway with
an aluminum `660' over it.  Above the 660 hung a polished marble plaque inlaid
with what looked like gold.  It was the one tasteful part of the entire
building.
     Above the block-long base, three tan concrete towers rose another twenty-
five stories each.  They weren't glass statuettes or gothic.  No, they were
slabs of concrete in rectangle, unadorned by anything to blunt the hideousness
of the building.  They, and the rest of the building, had once been called
"Warren Towers," and they had served as the designated Punishment Dorm at
Boston University and Hot Dog Grill.  But those times had changed, ever since
the Rogers Foundation had bought the building.
     The plaque above the doorway read "The Adjusted League Unimpeachable
Central HeadQuarters for Morally Outstanding and Upright Superheroes,
Exclusively."  Most people abbreviated the title to the A.L.U.C.H.Q.M.O.U.S.E.
A few, trying to read the acronym as a word, referred to it as the A.L.U. Chick-
Mouse.  All in all it didn't matter what you called it.  What mattered was what
was inside.
     Specifically, what was inside a small room just off the Load Pan Bay which
took up the top three stories of the base of the structure, just underneath the
Central Tower.  The Load Pan Bay itself housed the Xolchipalian Defense Forces
Ship "Crimson Permanent Assurance," as well as a dangerous looking all-metal
blue sportscar called the WarriorMobile and a few other vehicles, as well as a
slot for the atomic powered TrashMobile -- a full sized garbage packer -- that
at that time was in Dark City.  But the room just off the Load Pan Bay was the
one we're concerned with.  The one marked "Xolchaportation Station."
     Xolchaportation was another of the advanced technological processes which
the Xolchipalian Defense Forces had made available to Planet Earth through the
Adjusted League Unimpeachable -- a fighting force devoted to heroism which had
helped the X.D.F. once.  Indeed, one of the X.D.F.'s agents was a member of the
Adjusted League Unimpeachable.  It was a teleportation network tied between
various stations on Earth.  CalForce had a station, as did the Awesome Force in
their on-ground auxiliary base in Awesome Amalgamated headquarters in Hartford
Connecticut.  The Defense Squad (a subsidiary of DefenseCo, Incorporated) had
Xolchaportation Stations in their main headquarters, as well as in each of
their branch offices.  There were concealed Xolchaportation Stations in
Washington, D.C., Dark City, Bob City, Gothopolis, Seattle, London, Paris,
Berlin, Auckland, Sydney, Moscow, RatherLarge City, BiggCity, Akron, and many
others.
     The Station was quiet on this day in particular.  That changed when a
flashing red light appeared on its panel.
     <<Hey,>> said the laid back Artificial Intelligence in charge of the
system, <<we have Xolchaportation Sign from Dark City.>>  The AI was called the
Justice Overmind Electronic Locus, or JOEL for short.  He navigated the
Xolchaportation Net and brought the party in, accompanied by red and silver
flashing lights and the sound of a thousand bandsaws cutting into a thousand
differently tuned handbells.
     Four women appeared on the four Xolchaportation pads.  The first was the
Dash.  She was a full member of the Adjusted League Unimpeachable, and arguably
their most powerful member.  She was the Fastest Girl You've Met, barring any
and all lascivious comments about the phrase.  She wore a light green
shortsleeved uniform with a red bar across the chest as her symbol.  She had
short red hair, and as she came into focus one could see she was constantly
vibrating with the speed that was her power.
     Next to the Dash was Dangerousgirl.  The One-Woman China Syndrome was a
probationary member of the Adjusted League Unimpeachable -- probationary
because she hadn't yet learned to wield the vast nuclear powers that were her
birthright.  She was a clone of one of the A.L.U. members, and still learning
about life.  Her face was chastened, as though she had recently learned too
much about life in one go.
     Next was Relativity Woman.  While there was some dispute as to who was the
most beautiful woman on the Earth, it was obvious Relativity Woman was in the
top three.  Long red hair cascaded down Relativity Woman's shoulders and onto
her silver bodysuit.  She was at most an associate of the Adjusted League
Unimpeachable, technically speaking, but she seemed comfortable working with
them, now that certain... unpleasant things were behind them
     On the last pad was Healer.  A charter member of CalForce, Healer was a
powerful telepath who had put superheroing as an active profession behind her
in lieu of becoming the Commandant of the Newly Organized Adjusted League
Unimpeachable Academy.  Her blond hair was curly, her uniform red and white and
loose, with several cargo pockets on it.
     They stepped out of the Station.  "ComeonJOELbringtheothersoverwecan'twait-
alldayafterallandbesideswehavethingswehavetodofollowingourasyetunchronicled-
adventuresinDarkCitysowhatareyouwaitingfor?" the Dash said in a blur of speech
that was somewhere between machine gun fire and white sound in nature.
     "What?" Healer asked.
     "Something about Joe Don Baker," Dangerousgirl guessed.
     <<Mitchell!>> JOEL snapped.
     Relativity Woman smiled.  Her own powers, capable of bringing herself or
others instantly to lightspeed, enabled her to understand her close friend's
speech when she concentrated on it.  "She said to bring the others through the
Xolchaportation Net," she said.  "It's just hard to understand her without the
Knopler Effect from her Stereochair slowing her to normal speed."
     <<All right,>> JOEL said.  <<Hang on, 'cause we have Xolchaportation Sign
again.>>  So saying, he activated the link, causing the next two to be brought
through in another cacophony of expensive sound effects.
     Two men appeared.  The two men most long-time readers of this story would
least expect to be sharing a Xolchaportation.
     On the right side stood a powerfully built man.  He was tall, and
extraordinarily handsome.  His face was ever-so-slightly cocky, his smile warm.
He was clothed in hideously tasteless clothes of radioactive green with poison
yellow piping, and a roiling red-and-black mushroom cloud.  He was the greatest
mass-murderer in the world's history, and he was the savior of the entire
planet.  He was Dangerousman.
     On the left side was a man who stood absolutely straight, somehow managing
to convey the sense that his gray coveralls and button-up shirt were neat and
pressed, despite the fact that they were filthy.  A mask covered his face, a
cap was on his head.  A torn Dark City Sanitation badge was on the cap, a
bright silver trash-can lid was on his arm.  His grey eyes missed nothing.  He
was the Dumpster Detective, the Civil Servant of the Night, the Leader of the
Adjusted League Unimpeachable.  He was Trashman.
     It had become well known in Superheroic circles that the two men hated
each other.  Rumors abounded as to the reasons, but their animosity was well
documented.  But standing there on the Xolchaportation Platform, one could see
that the two men had somehow changed.  If their anger had not disappeared, it
had changed, somehow.  They were not the same men they were before, to be
certain.
     "Thank you for the ride, JOEL," Trashman said curtly.  "Dangerousman, I'm
sure Healer has things to discuss with you and Relativity Woman.  I'd like to
see you in my office, later, though.  We need to--"
     "Well," came a slightly arrogant, moderately annoying voice over the
intercom.  "It's about time I decided you would return from whatever it was you
were all doing in Dark City."
     "Nice to see you too, Kid Solipsism," sniffed Dangerousgirl.
     "Dani, a superguy is never rude," Dangerousman chided.
     "We were detained," Trashman said.  "I assume everything is well?"
     The figure on the Intercom viewscreen leaned back, a look of amusement on
his face.  Like Dangerousgirl, he was a probationary member of the Adjusted
League Unimpeachable.  He was tall and lanky, with brown hair.  He was called
Kid Solipsism after his power -- the Belief that the world reflected his
feelings and emotions, because it was all a hallucination he had come up with.
Delusion or not, it was known that changing his mind meant changing the world.
"Well?  Well the crisis is over, if that's what you mean.  Or do you mean to
say you've never heard of the Industrial Revolution?"  His voice was sarcastic.
     "The what?" Healer asked.
     Kid Solipsism stared.  "You mean... I decided that... that you *hadn't*
heard of it?"  He broke down in laughter.  "I don't believe it!  My
subconscious has outdone itself this time!"
     "What do you mean?" Relativity Woman asked.
     "We've been through life and death," Trashman said, glancing at
Dangerousman.  "We haven't had time to keep up with the news."
     "Really?  Well then, boss, you had better come see for yourself.  I'd
never decide that you'd believe me otherwise."
     Trashman nodded.  "Dash, Dangerousgirl, you're with me.  Dangerousman,
Relativity Woman, I'll contact Healer in a few minutes and let her know what's
going on.  You're welcome to stay until we know."  He started out the door.
     "Bruce--" Healer started, reaching for him.  Trashman stopped, and looked
back.
     }{Bruce,}{ she sent over a telepathic link, }{we need to talk about what
happened.  About... about us.}{
     ><I know,>< he thought back to her, ><but I need to know what's going on,
first.  I have a bad feeling about this.><
     Healer nodded, and watched as the three superguys left.  She also dreaded
what they might learn.
     And she also dreaded what she might not understand.  Dreaded what might --
or might not -- have been forged between her and a man who never let any
secrets out.

[End of Part One]