🚀 go-pugleaf

     Ranmikoto felt, rather than saw, his master appear in the Hall of the
Gods.  He did not turn as his master approached, making nary a sound on the
sand-scratched stone, dislodging not a single divine bone.  His master's hand
touched his neck, sliding around to the side, caressing over his ear.
     The heat in the room was stifling, but the hand was as cold as its
master's heart.  Ranmikoto smiled, allowing himself a moment's indulgence in
the pleasure of the touch, the thrill of the energy that crackled on the
skin like electricity.
     "What...is your pleasure, Divine One?" he asked, finally.
     "She has arrived."
     "The Dark Goddess?"
     "Yes.  You are ready to meet her?"  It was a needless question.  Being
a God, his master would know the answer.  But he spoke, as he always did.
     "I am," he said.
     "She will be in her human aspect, of course," his master said, his dark,
even voice flowing like black silk.  She no longer believes she is a Goddess,
so she is not.  You are not to disturb those beliefs.  We will leave that
pleasure to my divine brother."
     "What shall I tell her, Divine One?" Ranmikoto asked.
     "You shall tell her an...edited version of the nature of the current
conflict between our people and the heathen Magestrix.  Impress upon her and
her companions the danger of staying, and render assistance in whatever plan
they come up with to return to their time.  They must return, to bring their
immediate cycle to a close, and to embark upon a still larger one.  Once that
is done, you will return to your work, and your own geometry.  Our people must
remember us favorably."
     "They shall, Divine One," Ranmikoto said, with certainty.
     "Then go," the silken voice commanded.  Ranmikoto turned, and looked up
into the eyes of his master.  Dark eyes looked back at him, framed by skin
so pale it glowed.  The lips were perfectly cruel, the lines around the eyes
seductively severe.  Black hair flowed down his master's back, down his ornately
grim robes.
     Without further hesitation, Ranmikoto turned and walked out of the Hall of
the Gods, moving past the skeletons, stirring the sand.
     The Dar watched him, and smiled a joyless smile, before fading away.

                                    -<=*=>-


                              RADIAN & SHADEBEAM
                                  Episode 31
                             (Timeline, Part Five)
                             "The Way of the Tofu"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson


                           "I don't think we're on
                            Planet Kansas anymore."

                                   -  L. Frank Baum
                                      (paraphrased)


                                    -<=*=>-

     "Evasive!" Andro' yelled.
     "Doesn't look like they are," Carmine said, peering out the bridge viewport
at the large, amply-beweaponed battlecruiser that was bearing down on them.
     "Not them," Shadebeam snapped.  "Us!  Evasive!  As in make this tub go
through some goddamn evasive maneuvers, already!"
     *You could use your magic to throw off their targeting systems,* Symon
suggested.
     "And what spell is that supposed to be, sarong-breath?" Shadebeam asked.
"Anything I cast will probably wind up coming out as a spell of FTD Pick-Me-
Up Bouquetry."
     "At least we'll feel better about being annihilated," Karina said.
     "We have to get to the planet," Akane said.  "It looks like the attacking
fleet hasn't broken through the Californian defensive ranks."
     "If only we had someone to guide us successfully through the maze of
attacking ships..." Carmine mused.
     "You do!" Zen Navigator exclaimed.  "I, ZEN NAVIGATOR, am an expert in
such intuitive navigation!"  Carmine hesitated, but realized that Zen's
navigational technique, regarded by virtually everyone he had encountered in
the course of his storied existance as completely unfathomable, was a
definite asset in surviving a space battle.  He yielded the helm to Zen.
     -Damn,- Andro purred.  -I'm going to die, and I never got around to
writing that fan letter to Yaphet Kotto.-
     *Told you you should have written it sooner,* China said.
     -I couldn't,- Andro purred back.  -No hands, just paws.-
     -Fireball!  Fireball!- Kyoko cheered.
     Everyone lurched, star trek style, as their freighter veered between
two dark battleships that had tried to cut them off from the planet.  Something
large and green rumbled underneath, laser beams erupting from the lush foliage,
stabbing at the black battle cruisers.
     "What...is that?" Karina asked, her eyes wide with fear.
     "Oh, that's just a Chia Pet," Akane said.  "Bigger than the Epcot Center,
and capable of transporting weapons, equipment, and it's own force-shielded
atmosphere.  They're the space vessel of choice for the Californians.  If I
recall the history right, at this point in time, they don't have the capacity
to enter overly-hyped space."
     "And who are the other guys?" Andro' asked.
     "The Magestrix, probably," Akane said.  "I--"  Her sentence was lost as
the ship veered again, somehow avoiding a large clot of fighter craft that had
erupted from one of the cruisers, only to encounter a still larger clot.
     "Hmmm," Shadebeam said.  "Maybe I *will* try that spell..."
     *Maybe this isn't such a good idea...* Symon started.
     -What did you expect, it being your idea and all?- Andro asked him.  Symon
stuck his tongue out at the cat, who somehow was able to use his right front
paw to form a rude gesture at Symon.
     "It's too late now," Carmine said.  There was the sound of an explosion,
and everyone lurched around at random.  "They've hit an engine!"  Metal
fragments shot past the viewport.  Another explosion rocked the ship.  "They've
hit the forward stabilizer!"  More metal fragments flew past the viewport.  A
third explosion rocked the ship.  "They've hit the radar!"  Gary Burghoff
drifted past the viewport. (rimshot)
     *Too bad they didn't hit the drums,* China sighed.
     "We're entering the atmosphere," Zen reported.  "Magestrix ships are
breaking off pursuit.  They appear to believe we are going to crash and die."
     "You fooled them!" Karina exclaimed.
     "No," Zen said.  "We're going to crash and die."
     "How do you know?" Shadebeam asked.
     "I've crashed and died before," Zen told her.  "This is usually how it
starts."
     The shaking of the ship increased as the viewport light became redder,
as the atmosphere grew thicker and the friction grew heavier.  Zen, Carmine,
and Andro' tried working the controls, but found them inoperative.
     "By the...damn, what is it...Holy Organ of Rigistroni..." Shadebeam began
to say, "...seperem mordandi paparazzi...glazi donuti..."
     "What's she doing?" Carmine asked.
     "Casting a spell," Akane said.  "Or ordering lunch, I'm not sure."
     "By the seven rings around the Throne of Mitchell..." Shadebeam said, her
hands gesturing as if they had lives of their own.  "Arcanum postmodernum...
alacazam...Elvis give us a fucking break already!"  There was a blinding flash,
and everybody fell to the floor, as the ship abruptly stopped dropping.
     "Ow," Karina said, as she extracted herself from Andro' and Andro.  "I
can't believe it...it worked!"  There was a knock at the door leading to the
rest of the ship.  Puzzled, Akane opened the door.
     "Here's your FTD Pick-Me-Up Bouquet," Merlin Olsen said, barging in and
handing flowers out to everyone.
     "...or not," Karina added.
     "Well, if she didn't do it," Carmine said, as he extracted himself from
the Mr. Coffee, "who did?"
     "We are descending at a slow rate," Zen reported.  "On a due course for
a large beachfront settlement on the coast of the continent of Los Angeles."
     "Looks like we're going to find out," Akane said.  Merlin gave her a
bouquet and disappeared.

                                    -<=*=>-

     It was an extremely sunny day out, of course.
     This was not unusual, for Planet California.  With two suns in the sky,
continents with unusual shapes, and a weather system that operated in ways
antithetical to known science, virtually every day was guaranteed to be
excellent for activities that the natives of the planet liked to pursue:
tanning, partying, tofu-eating, sex, weird chemicals, and loud music, most
often in combination.  Akane recalled that there was more beach area on Planet
California than on any planet in the known galaxy, and that most all of it was
active twenty-four hours a day, as were the mini-malls, microbreweries, and
tofu production plants that inevitably sprang up near the beaches.
     Which is why she found it mysterious, upon disembarking from the damaged
freighter, that no one else was on the stretch of beach she found herself on,
aside from her companions from the ship.
     "You suppose they're all inside watching Melrose Place?" Shadebeam asked.
     "Doubtful," Karina replied.  "There's a war going on - likely they're
all at combat stations, or in underground shelters."  They squinted, looking
through the sun at the buildings that were closest to where they were on the
beach.  One structure, in particular, loomed above the others.
     "The Temple of the Sun-God," Akane said.  "I remember this.  When we
traveled to 20th century Planet California, this was roughly where we were
greeted."
     "Look!" Zen announced.  "Someone is emerging from the temple."
     A figure in brightly-colored robes was descending the stone steps, his
movements unhurried, yet conveying a sense of urgency.  He paused at the base
of the temple, looking directly at them.  Akane started toward him, followed
momentarily by Shadebeam, Carmine, Andro', and Karina.  Andro, on Shadebeam's
shoulder, hissed lightly.
     "Greetings, Akane Moroboshi," the figure said.  "I am..."
     "Ranmikoto, I know," Akane said.
     Ranmikoto nodded.  "I bid you welcome.  Please join me in refreshment."
     They followed him, into a door at the side of the steps, entering a large,
well-lit room.  Lawn furniture was scattered strategically, with supplies of
tanning lotion and bowls of tofu placed within easy reach.
     "You seemed to know we were coming," Akane said, as she settled into a
lawn chair.
     "My master tells me things," Ranmikoto replied.  "I know that you come
from the future, though not by design.  I know the immediate destiny of this
planet, and am taking steps to protect my people."
     "The Deepsleep," Akane said.  "That explains where everyone is."
     "Most everyone, yes," Ranmikoto said.
     "Um, some of us just dropped in," Carmine said.  "Care to explain just
what the hell all this is?"
     "This, my fur-covered friend, is the Planet California," Ranmikoto
explained.  "It was colonized millenia ago, and has grown and evolved into a
culture of peaceful hedonism.  Our gods led us by example, and we attained
fabulous tans, one and all."
     "I heard it said that all being a god on Planet California really meant
was that you organized the best parties," Akane said.
     "Well," Ranmikoto said.  "This is true.  Or was."
     "What happened?" Karina asked.
     "There are gods," Ranmikoto said.  "And there are Gods."
     "The Rad and The Dar," Akane said.
     "Yes," Ranmikoto said.  "They attained power through means that we know
not.  The Rad became beloved to the people, sweeping away the memory of the
previous gods by his truly excellent example.  The Dar is also known to the
people, but is never mentioned, as he is the Antithesis of our way.  Even now,
the power of The Rad and The Dar grows, as they battle towards Transcendence."
     "That is what the Magestrix seeks to prevent," Akane said.
     "Correct," Ranmikoto answered.  "The Rad and The Dar see each other as
obstacles that must be overcome before Transcendence can occur.  Their war
has created such disturbances in the fabric of reality that the Magestrix's
interests have been threatened."
     "Like Earth..." Shadebeam whispered.  Ranmikoto smiled, and said nothing.
     "I take it you're in the process of sending the colony ships to Earth,"
Akane said.
     "Yes," Ranmikoto said.  "Else how can my descendant, Ran Mikoto, trigger
the re-emergence of my people from Deepsleep, in five millenia?"  He looked at
the surprised faces with perfect innocence.  "It is prophesied."
     "Right, whatever," Karina said.  "How do we get off this chunk of sand
before it gets toasted?"
     "I do not know," Ranmikoto said.  "I am ready to offer whatever assistance
I may, however, in arriving at a solution.  There is no room for you in the
Deepsleep chambers, under the surface, or in the colony ships."
     "There must be something," Zen told him.  "Mind if I look around?"
     "Wander as you will," Ranmikoto said.  Zen tipped his hat and walked
through a far doorway, heading farther into the Temple.
     "A while back," Akane said, "my brother, Rad...the reincarnation of The
Rad, sans cosmic powers...encountered an entity called Obelisk, and made contact
with two entities within its core systems, AIs pattered after The Rad and The
Dar." [in "Rad: Nothing Like the Sun" #5, from 1993].  "They claimed they had
gone to the Hyoogadabekidink people, to program Obelisk with a stellar
generation program.  Rad says they didn't seem like opponents, though they
tended to bait one another.
     "I was the actual programmer," Ranmikoto said.  "My master ordered me to
do so, knowing the eventual outcome."
     "There are still some parts of the story that don't mesh," Akane said.
"Like why..."
     *Look out!* China warned.
     Suddenly and without warning, the air became immensely, impossibly tan.
It was the only way to describe it.  The tan entered their lungs, clogging
their nostrils with heat and sensuality and the smell of cooking flesh.  Jimi
Hendrix music filled the room, welling up from the molecules within their
bodies, a binding atomic guitar wail that filled their senses.
     When it ended, Radian was missing.
     "What...Akane!" Shadebeam yelled.  She looked at Ranmikoto.  "Where is
she?"
     "My master has decided to have a word with her," Ranmikoto said, without
any sign of concern.
     "I can't feel her in my mind," Shadebeam said, an alarmed note creeping
into her voice.  "The contact has been severed."
     "What is going to happen to her?" Carmine asked, surprised at the note
of anxiety in his own voice.
     "I believe," Ranmikoto told him.  "That he intends to introduce her to...
the Way of the Tofu."
     "What?" Andro purred, aloud.  "This crap?"   He indicated one of the
full bowls of tofu with his paw.
     "There is tofu," Ranmikoto responded, "and there is Tofu."

                                    -<=*=>-

     The air felt different here.  Crisper to the senses, almost raw.  The tan
was fading from her vision now, and she felt the adjusting for gravity and
latitude.  Her abductor had taken her to a new place...perhaps a new continent.
     She heard a roar, from outside of whatever room she was in.  It sounded
like a ship taking off, mixed with the roar of a tremendous, Epcot-Center sized
beast.  The sound faded, and a stifling silence settled in.
     There was light in this room, streaming in from rectangular holes near the
roof, ringing the chamber with dusty light.  A large, ornate enterance was
directly in front of her, and Akane could see the yellowish-bright haze of
sunlight reflecting off of sand.  She considered trying to run for it, but knew
it was futile.
     "Like, that's right, babe," a rich, resonant voice said.  The words hung
in the sharp air, like meat on a hook.  Abruptly, Akane's eyes focused on the
bones that lined the chamber, and on the darkly-stained stone floor, partially
obscured by sand.
     Fresh bones.
     "Hello, Rad," Akane said.  "Or should I call you The Rad, here?"
     "Either will, like, do, y'know?" The Rad responded.  An awe-inspiring tan
penetrated the dusky light, and she could see him, standing, unmoving, his
tan rising from his smooth skin like steam.  His golden blond hair was tied
back in a whiplash ponytail, and his smile was wide and vicious.  Colorful
robes failed to disguise his Adonis-like physique, so much like that of the Rad
she knew, but more immediate, more...Godlike.
     Months ago, when she had been the Dark Goddess, she had abducted her
altiversal twin, Shadebeam, with the same ease that The Rad had in taking her.
Radian had savored the fear that crested on Shadebeam's mindwave, narcissist
that she had been.  Akane felt something now, but it certainly wasn't fear.
     "Come here," The Rad ordered.
     The sand was undisturbed as she glided toward him, using her power of
flight to maneuver over the bones of the old gods.  His eyes were twin pools
of cruel azure, the glare from his teeth like a spotlight.  He folded his arms
around her when she reached him.
     "You realize," Radian told him, "that I'm going to kill you."
     "You can, like, try," The Rad said.  "It won't, like, work, though."
     "Why not?" Radian asked.
     "Because I've already killed you," The Rad replied.

HAS THE RAD ALREADY KILLED RADIAN?
IF SHE'S DEAD, WHY IS SHE STILL MOVING?
HOW MANY TIMES CAN SHE DIE, ANYWAY?
WILL ZEN NAVIGATOR DETERMINE A WAY TO GET BACK TO THE PRESENT?
WILL SHADEBEAM, KARINA, CARMINE, ANDRO', OR ANDRO TRY ANY OF THE tOFU?
CAN THE AUTHOR RETCON EVERYTHING HE'S PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN ABOUT PLANET CALIFORNIA
     SUCCESSFULLY?
IF NOT, WILL ANYONE NOTICE?
ALL THIS AND THE HALLUCI NATION, ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY!

+-------- Gary W. Olson --------+        "All roads lead *away* from Ankh-
| swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu  |         Morpork, but sometimes people just
+----- swede@drycas.bitnet -----+         walk along them the wrong way."
                                          - Terry Pratchett, _Moving_Pictures_