🚀 go-pugleaf

     "..and this is Radio Free Hero, still coming to you from Bob City despite
numerous technical and other difficulties."
     "FRINK!"
     "And that concludes our brief interview with Nigel T. Lemur, apparent
leader of the pack of small, furry, round-eyed mammals that have for some
reason been all over the place during this epic battle."
     "PTANG!"
     "A pity I haven't understood a word he's said."
     "Frink!  WHOOOO!!!"
     "And now, back to the fight that's been raging all around us.  As you can
plainly see in this live image, both the Awesome Force One and the strange,
cheap-looking starship have been pounding the heck out of each other.  The
battle may be turning, however, with the apparant failure of the awesometonium
mass driver.... on the ground, the Masked Bruce has just defeated an unknown
Revolutionary in some odd battle armor, and Ginsu World Class is confronting
various members of the Extreme Team and Team M.E.C.--hey, do I really have to
say all these goddamn periods?  It's not like I'm getting paid for this...
okay, okay, I'll get on with it."  *fzzt!*  "Ow!  Hey, you can't exterminate
me, I'm with the press!  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  Ginsu World Class is fighting
Team M.E.C.H.A., the Extreme Team, and Shadebeam.  We haven't seen any sign of
Spectrum for awhile, but he...hey, what's that music?"
     All across the world, the anxious TV and radio audience twiddled their
volume knowbs as a low, pulsating musical beat started up.  Several of the magi
and Revolutionaries who weren't locked in life-or-death struggles at the moment
also looked up to identify the source.  It seemed to be coming from everywhere.
     "I'm sorry, folks, we seem to be experiencing yet another technical
difficulty with..."
     "OOOOOOOOOoooooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
     The loud, clear note sung by a hundred invisible voices rang out,
momentarily distracting nearly everyone.  Mages stopped in mid-spellcasting,
superguys paused in midair.  Even the robotic Dalek warriors broke off from
their assigned extermination duties to calculate and triangulate on its source.
     "OOOOOOooooooOOOOooooooooOooooooooOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
     "Damn it, what's with this gear today?!  We got music in the amp coming
from nowhere!  This is all your fault, Max!  We can't do this to the listening
public, not today!  This is no ordinary broadcast!"
     "AND THIS IS NO ORDINARY MOUTHWASH!!!!!"
     "WHAT?!?!?"
     The booming voice of the announcer caught Radio Free Hero, and everyone
else, totally off guard.  It rang out from everywhere, yet somehow drew all
eyes and eyestalks towards the tallest tower of the Bob City Correctional
Facility.  And there, the sunlight gleaming of its rounded, computer generated
glass body, stood a proud bottle of Listerine.  Clutching a wooden bow in one
leather gauntlet, it threw a jaunty salute to all with the other, the feather
in its cap waving gaily.
     "THIS IS COOL MINT LISTERINE!!"  again, the announcer boomed.
     The bottle spun, somehow discarding the hat, bow, quiver, and gauntlets.
A tall vine appearned next to it, a vine that trailed up and vanished into the
cloudy Bob City skies.  And then, it swung forward, out into the blood-soaked
battlefield.  The announcer spoke again.
     "IT FIGHTS THE GERMS THAT CAUSE BAD BREATH!!!"
     The bottle arched high, showering the area in a fine, slightly greeninish,
mint-flavored mist.
     "IT FIGHTS PLAQUE, ABOVE THE GUMLINE!"
     The bottle momentarily let go of its vine (nobody was quite sure how they
could tell, since it didn't have hands at the moment) to twirl around in the
air before "grabbing" onto it again.  It quickly darted off, headed towards the
dark towers of the city itself.   Somehow, it managed to wave at a small
trashcanlike object on the ground below, which happily waved back.
     "NEW COOL MINT LISTERINE!"
     "OOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOoooooooooooOOOOooo,OOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
     And then it was gone.  The combatents, both Mage and Bubba, Rev and
Counter-Rev, inhaled deeply, enjoying the sudden feeling of cool, minty fresh
breath.  The robotic Dalek Warriors just spun around in confusion.
     Then, the fight resumed right where it had left off, as if nothing had
happened.   Only Radio Free Hero continued to stare towards where the
mysterious Cool Mint had vanished.  He checked his watch- the entire, bizzare
appearance had taken precisely thirty seconds.
     "I don't believe this.  Biggest superbattle of this century, first ever to
have live RFH coverage, and we get a...a...A COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!"

                                   ***********

                        A SYMPHONY FOR TAROT AND BUZZSAW
                                 Fourth Movement
                             "Go Tell the Spartans"

                                   WRITTEN BY
                             (in alphabetical order)
                  Lawrence Brown, Eric Alfred Burns, Bill Dickson,
                     Mason Kramer, Chris Meadows, Gary W. Olson,
            Daniel Pawtowski, Bill Paul, Jesse Taylor, and Dominic White

                            EDITED INTO COHERENCY BY
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                   ***********

     Radian dropped into the crowd and fired a stream of lethal radiation
into a Revolutionary, dropping him moments after he had bayonetted a pair of
magi.  She swore eloquently, lashing out with her left fist twice to drop
another gunman.  A mage with an assault rifle fired wildly, most of her shots
sailing over her target's head before she was cut down by a slug from a .45.
     "Confirm target profile as Radian!" shrieked an inhuman voice behind
her.  "Exterminate!  EXTERMINATE!  EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!!"
     She was already turning, radiation boiling from her body to fry the Dalek
warrior, but she knew she was too late.  She kept her eyes open, hoping to see
it blow its top as its gun seared through her body.
     The Dalek was sitting silently, apart from a strange metallic chattering
that grew louder as it began to quiver.  Electricity arced over its surface,
and it suddenly sat still.  Behind it, a literature-bearing LaRouchite keeled
over.
     Water vapor suddenly billowed from its cracked seams, solidifying into
the form of Rainy Day Woman.
     "Christ," she said, disgusted.  "All the lives I failed to save so far
today, I had to succeed on yours."
     "Don't do me any favors," Radian snapped, and fired a burst of radiation
over Nora's shoulder to fell a Revolutionary who had been drawing a bead on
the watery Heroine's back.
     "Piss off!" Rainy Day woman shouted back.  "I can take care of myself,
thanks very much!"
     "Sure you can."
     The young woman's eyes narrowed, and she leapt at Radian suddenly, shoving
her to the side and diving to the ground as a burst of bullets passed through
the space she'd been standing.  A well-placed water blast rendered the
Revolutionary unconscious.
     "How *dare* you try to put me in your debt!" Radian fumed, snapping a kick
around Rainy Day Woman's head and crushing a Revolutionary's nose before he
could drive his bowie knife into Nora's side.
     "Look here, bitch," Nora seethed as she snatched up a fallen pistol and
shot down a flying Revolutionary just before he could swing his wrecking ball
at Radian's head.  "I'm just doing a job here.  You think I'd go out of my way
to help you out, you've got another think coming."
     A burst of radiation overheated a Dalek as it drew a bead on Rainy Day
Woman, blowing it apart.  "I should just let them pick you apart."
     "Pick *me* apart?"  A brutal right cross felled a clever garrotter as he
stepped behind Radian.  "*You're* the one they despise.  I should hand you
over to them."
     The pair was back to back now, battling fiercely as Revolutionaries and
Daleks converged on them.  "I should let you die," Radian announced flatly.
     "I should just leave you here."
     "Maybe I should leave *you* here."
     "All right, go ahead!"
     "I will!"
     "Fine!"
     As one, the pair crouched and leapt into the air, still back to back, and
rained an aereal bombardment of water and radiation down on their foes.  The
group struggled for a moment, those with guns trying to take aim on the flying
women, before they were forced back into fleeing clusters by the combined
force of the superpowers.
     They looked at each other with sidelong glances.
     "Bitch," they sneered in unison, and shot off in separate directions.

                                   ***********

     The mages shrank back.  A cluster of five Revolutionaries charged their
position with bayonets fixed to the ends of their rifles, roaring angrily.  As
one mage gestured, the ground heaved, and the summoned earth elemental lurched
up and towards the men.  They looked at each other, and as one, reached into
their pockets, fishing out small green vials.  They popped the caps and
quickly drank the remaining contents down.  Their shirts, already tight, began
tearing and splitting.  A pair of the brawlers roared and charged the
elemental, ripping the arms off it and beating it to pieces with its own
limbs.  The remaining trio set upon the fleeing mages, flinging them hither
and yon, slamming them into trees and the ground.

                                    ***********

     "Sanka!! Burnout!!" Shannon yelled from the door of the RV, seeing her
two friends unconsious on the ground.  "You two!! Give me a hand here!"  The two
magi who had been using the RV for cover hurried forward as Shannon jumped out
of the RV and headed for her teammates, ignoring the blonde Japanese woman who
was gawking at the airship-starship battle above.
     The three stopped, hearing the sound of groaning metal behind them.
Shannon turned to see that Marie had lifted the RV up in the air with her
armor's enhanced muscles.
     "I believe this belongs to you."  Marie growled, her voice sounding raspy
over her armor's slightly crushed external speakers.  With a heave, she
launched the RV towards Shannon and the two mages.  Somehow, all three managed
to dodge the massive vehicle, which slammed into some trees, knocking them down.
     Marie laughed evilly as she strode towards the three mages who were
struggling to get up.  They could be nothing but mages -- all of them unarmed,
and none had shown any paranormal powers yet. These were the pitiful enemies
of the Revolution.  Marie checked the charges on her weapons, annoyed to find
that she was nearly out of micromissiles and down to a half-charge on her
plasma cannon.
     "You hurt my friends!!" Shannon shouted, her hands tracing an arcane
symbol in the air.  "You're really gonna get it now!!"
     "Micromissile Strike!!" Marie growled, sending her last two HE warheads
spiralling towards the mage. They hit an invisible shield in mid-air and
vaporized.
     One of the other mages grinned, and whipped off a quick Urban Renewal
spell, which hit the inside of the shield and likewise vaporized.
     "Get out from behind it to attack! It's a two way Protection Sphere!"
Shannon shouted, fishing in her pocket for a spell component.  "Dammit, don't
tell me I forgot the quartz fragments again! (it's so hard to do lightning
bolts without them...)"
     "Overhead Power-Augmented Split Kick!" Marie shouted, allowing a Power
Bolt spell to smack into her left forearm guard as she leaped into the air at
the combat mage. Shannon fished a couple of fragments out and began to chant,
while the other mage hurried over to Burnout and began checking her.  The
blonde woman who had been gawking earlier was nowhere to be seen, now.
     "Dammit!" Shannon shouted in frustration as the spell fizzled.  Marie
drop-kicked the combat mage, sending him flying into the next county.  The
healer, now in her arc of fire, gulped and raised his hands over his head.
     "I surrender!!" he whimpered, as Marie advanced on him.
     "Fuck you." she answered.  'Do it!!' screamed her training, 'There is no
time for prisoners!!'  Before a few months ago, Marie would not have hesitated
to kill him, but now...  'This is not the way it should be! Something feels
wrong about all this..'
     "Dammitdammitdammit!" Shannon whispered, digging in her pockets for a
power focus, material component set, anything.
     Marie blinked. This mage was not a threat now, but what if he eventually
turned out to be like...
     Irving Gould.
     "Burn in Hell(tm)!" Marie screamed, firing her plasma flamer point blank
at the mage. Superheated gas washed over him, barely giving him time to scream
once before he simply went up in flames.
     "YOU HEARTLESS #$*%&!" Shannon roared. Her hands found Sedgewick's wand.
"TSALB! TSALB!! TSALBTSALBTSALB!!"
     Marie staggered back, magical blasts pocking her suit. She could not tear
her eyes from what she had just done.
     "DIIIIEEE!!" Shannon screamed, summoning up every drop of power she had
to form one massive blast that sent Marie flying several hundred feet. Shannon
realized, too late, that she had overextended herself, and she passed out near
Sanka and Burnout.

                                   ***********

     Deep within his nearly emotionless brain, Benedict felt a faint urge
to cheer.
     "Reset target parameters!  Port broadside to resume sequential fire on
enemy flank."
     "Port broadside at 60% effectiveness!"
     "Rotate four-five port!"  Benedict spun the ship around to a facing that
allowed it to bring both the forward guns and the port broadside to bear.
While it exposed a considerably larger cross-section of his ship to the
enemy's fire, it wouldn't matter much if the airship didn't have a weapon left
to return fire with.
     "Deploy forward guns and target enemy atmospheric control surfaces and
navigational centers!"

                                  ***********

     All around the world, people listened to their radios.  They crowded
around televisions, waiting for the live feeds to come through.  They listened
to Radio Free Hero, was at the moment negotiating with some lemurs for Max,
in exchange for some good rubber gloves, or at least help in getting the
video equipment to work right.  The lemurs didn't seem interested in Max, but
they did seem interested in the equipment.
     They trusted him.  They knew they would be live on video again at any
moment, and they could see what was really happening.  They could feel the
pressure building.

                                   ***********

     Several hundred miles to the north, aboard an airliner:
     An impatient sales executive knocked on the door of the first-class
bathroom, glaring at the "Occupied" sign with quite a bit of agitation.
     "Hey!  How long are you gonna be in there?!?!"
     "I am sorry, good citizen!  I shall not tarry any longer than necessary!"
bellowed the loud voice of the occupant inside.
     "Well if you don't move it soon, I'll go get the stewardess and-..."
     The sound of a toilet flushing was enough music to sooth the savage
salesbeast, who hopped up and down while the door unlocked.
     "It's about time, I thought you'd never-  YAAAAAAA!!!!!!"
     "Do not be alarmed, good passenger!  For it is only I, Space Moose!"
     Completely forgetting about his formerly pressing need, the exec stared
slack-jawed as the Massively Mooscled Moose made his way out of the tiny
restroom.
     "What...are...Moose...?"
     "I was answering the call of my Moose Sense when I felt another call, the
Call of Nature!  There is a great danger to the south, in Bob City!  I dare
not delay longer than necessary, yet I also dare not enter a combat situation
with my attention...distracted."  The Amazing Antlered Arctic Avenger blushed
slightly, "This aircraft was the nearest facility available."
     The turned to a dazed stewardess who had been standing, frozen in shock,
by the emergency exit.
     "Thank you, madam, for the use of your restroom!  And now, I must be off!
Bob CIty awaits!"
     He quickly pulled the emergency hatch open, then stepped outside and
closed it again before the cabin air had time to depressurize.  Even from
within the plane, over the roar of the jet engines, they could plainly hear his
cry.
     "THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!!!!!!"

                                   ***********

     Spectrum ran, naked, through the battle.  "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT!"  Spying a
foxhole he dove for cover.  As he hit the bottom, he rolled and smacked
against a mage, lying cold and still.  A single bullethole through the heart
had terminated the man.
     Spectrum stared at the corpse for a moment, not finding any urge to loathe
the dead man.  Just a empty feeling, staring at a empty shell.  Quickly,
Spectrum pulled off the mage's cloak, mumbling a silent apology for disturbing
its resting place.  Wrapping the cloak around himself, he darted out from the
foxhole.  He wound his way towards the prison.
     "EXTERMINATE!" A dalek screeched, firing a blast at Spectrum.  He gated
the blast away, channeling a huge thunderbolt that incinerated the droid.  "Hey
Bruce, duck!"  A furry rat-tailed woman shouted to his left as he rolled
instinctively to one side.  A trio of Bubbas blasted the vacated spot with
their automatic weapons, only to have their weapons shredded by a clawed blur.
     Spectrum was back on his feet. "Thanks Rat!  I...."
     "Sheila."
     "What?"
     She-Devil stepped up.  "You're supposed to call us Sheila, Bruce! Get it
right, before the pooftahs blow you away...."
     "But..."
     "Wait a minute." Rat trained her gun on Spectrum. "That voice. Get your
hands up."
     Spectrum complied, as the robe parted.
     She-Devil could hardly contain herself.  "Hell(tm) what kind of mage are
you, a nude druid?"
     "No, he's Spectrum, one of the Revolutionaries," Rat growled softly.  She-
Devil walked up to Spectrum, claws gleaming.  "So we bag a pervert and a
mage killer in one shot."
     "Um, nice kitty..." Spectrum backed away, hands still up. "Can't we all
just get along?"
     "Does the name Lorena Bobbit ring any bells, Mr. Flasher?"
     "Oh no. No freaking way!"  Spectrum fired a blast of kinetic energy.
She-Devil tumbled back, blown over Rat's shoulder.  Rat pulled the trigger,
spraying the front of Spectrum's glowing body with bullets.
     Spectrum shrugged, and the lead silliotte collapsed, the kinetic energy
and inertial of the bullets gated away.  "I don't want to fight you!"
     "Tell that to the dead mages, you murderer!" She Devil roared, leaping at
him.  Spectrum blasted straight up into the air, the claws barely rakeing his
backside as he shot into the air like a rocket.
     "There's a mage!  Shoot him!"  A hail of bullets blasted to one side,
barely missing Spectrum.
     "You Bubbas are hamburger!" Rat growled as she slammed a fresh drum on
her Thompson submachine gun.  She Devil put a restraining hand on Rat. With
a wicked grin, she shook her head. "Let the Bubba's have their fun, eh?"
     "What? ...Oh!"

(continued in part two, following...)