🚀 go-pugleaf

West Coast Defenders #30

"Back on track? What Track? Who's track? And where's Spectrum?"

[Faint sound of an author *eeping* as he sticks a letter on the screen,
as he runs off in hot pursuit of a co-author. Camera zooms in on letter:]



Dear Readers,

Its been quite a while since my last episode of West Coast Defenders.  This
issue marks the 30th episode, a number while not as significant as issue 50
or 100, still sticks out as a milestone indicating a storyline is going to stay
around.

A while back, I asked you, the readers, if you thought I should continue
writing. The responses were all positive, and the main message was to keep
on writing as long as its fun.  I've had a lot of fun writing.  I enjoy
cooperating with other authors, so often Spectrum, or other characters,
may continue on solo side trips.

Which brings us to the big burning issue of continuity. Forget it.  I'll try to
keep my story current with whats going on in the world, both in the real
world and in the superguy world, but since almost every author is on a
different time standard, its a nigh impossible task to stay perfectly in sync.

Our crusty old web page has most of the characters described therein, but I
would like to tell you about them here to help the readers understand them
better.

Spectrum was my first character.  Modeled after myself, he has been my
most used character.  Part Marvel Comics Iron Man, part dimensional
energy gateway, his adventures have taken him throughout the Superguy
universe, and to other dimensions.  He premiered during a Superguy
subplot where Satan had enlisted Bill Gates to steal souls through his then-new
operating system.  Just as the soul-stealing subroutine activated, Lawrence
Brown, computer admin, angrily punched his computer screen, shattering
the screen, and sucking him into an interdimensional vortex.  He came in
contact with his authorial counterpart, and the touch gave him direct access
to wild authorial energy any time he says the word "edit". From the
moment he was in the superguy universe, he was embroiled in a adventure,
fighting enemy robots called Zoomers, and unwittingly involved in a swindle
scheme by Dr. Hans K. Cheef to fleece the government to buy a bogus
suit of battle armor.  In a accidental burst of authorial energy, along came
Foxy Lady and Fuzzy Bunny (no relation); a pair of cartoon characters.
Foxy fell immediately in love with Spectrum.  Fuzzy immediately fell in
love with himself and set out to make his fortune. Not long after that,
Spectrum and Foxy met up with the youths who called themselves Team
M.E.C.H.A.

A explosion of hyperspatial energy and Edit transformed Foxy from a 2'
high cartoon to a 5'7" slim buxom anthropomorphic fox.  After yet another
rejection by Spectrum, Foxy took off for parts unknown, last seen in the
LA area after being interviewed for the Weekly World Smooze. She has
developed psionic abilities,  due perhaps to the same explosion that
transformed her.

Parker Peterson, junior photojournalist and aka Nikon Ninja, budding
superguy, accidentally ended up on the same bus with Marie the Invid and
Spectrum, as the bus and its load of schoolchildren were kidnapped and
slaughtered by evil Mages. During the battle, Trapdoor Spider Man made
his appearance.  While the Nikon Ninja, a normal human with martial arts
skills, was injured in the fight with the evil mages, the rest of the team
kicked butt, along with some help from Adam from team M.E.C.H.A.

Spectrum faced off in a final confrontation with the leader named Gould.
Gould turned out to be a host for a renegade alien who was living inside a
human body.  Spectrum slammed the pair into the moon with such
tremendous force that a new crater was formed, promptly named Magi Crater.
Even this impact was not enough to kill the magically invulnerable alien,
and so Spectrum flung the villain into the sun, consigning him to roast
forever.  The event so scarred Spectrum and Adam they joined up with the
Industrial Revolution (Aiiee!).  Fighting alongside Bulletproof and Marie
the Invid (a reformed villain who later bore Spectrum a son named
Marcus), Spectrum went toe-to-toe with Radian before he was KO'd by the
Masked Bruce and then had his armor stolen by lemmings.

After the revolution, Spectrum went out on his own on an undocumented
adventure with Stetson Tyler, Space Cowboy, to recover the former
flagship of Satan's attack fleet. Stetson renamed it the Alamo's Revenge
Revenge, and hired Spectrum to form a team of defenders.  Spectrum
reunited with the hero's he fought alongside against the Mages, and set off
for the West Coast to build a headquarters.  A freak accident with
lightning and Edit blew the heroes through space and time.  Trapdoor Spider
Man ended up in Seattle where he met and fell in love with Dog Thing of
Team Cynical.  Spectrum ended up blown back in time to World War 2 and
in the process helped create the hero Airwave, (later known as British Air-
wave).  Suffering from temporary amnesia, Spectrum was given the nickname
the Rocket Man (thanks to a jetpack developed by Howard Hughes).
After a accident that returned Spectrum back to the future, the now elder-
Airwave reunited and took over the position of President of Tyler Indus-
tries west coast operations, and as advisor-sponsor of Spectrum's team, the
West Coast Defenders.  An old aircraft carrier and a nuclear sub were
purchased and used as building materials for turning a downtown skyscraper
into a T-shaped building. While away, Spectrum has had a new improved
suit of armor constructed and again enhanced by contact with other races
while dimension hopping. Spectrum has been away on an extended
adventure away from his team, so the rest of the team have carved out their
niches in the new corporation (and the building).

What happened to Parker Peterson, the Nikon Ninja, in the edit explosion
that scattered the team hither and yon has never been divulged...







...until now.

--------------------------------------------

Sha-na-na, warrior woman of the alternate earth, scowled, her battle staff at
the ready. "All right Grangers, your next lesson begins.  Defend yourselves"
Surrounding her were Bull, Mule, Reaper, Hellhound, and Superchick.
The former Mighty Muddy Power Grangers, now without their
powers, stood poised, ready with quarterstaves in their hands.

"Ok, boys" Pinto Sally hissed, "Lets keep her surrounded."  She feinted at
the warrior and was parried immediately.

"Whut fer we letting her train us?" Hellhound griped.  "We can do just fine
now. OW!" He yelped as Sha-na-na swatted his head faster than he could
react.

"You must relearn, boy." Sha-na-na responded.  "You have grown soft,
dependent on your Mighty Muddy powers instead of your natural fighting
skills.  To regain power you must be in touch with your inner animal.
HAI!"  She spun, and caught Reaper by the ankles, flipping him head over
heels.  Reaper twisted and flipped smoothly back onto his feet, with a smug
expression, which was then replaced with consternation when he failed to
anticipate the next blow that knocked him backwards.  On her backswing,
she jammed the other end of her staff into Bull's gut as he leapt towards her
to ambush her from behind. Another swing was parried by Pinto Sally. As
Sha-na-na whirled to smash Mule in the shoulder, he ducked and countered
with a massive blow that the warrior woman nearly failed to block. "By the
eye of Injor, this one still has some power within him."  She resumed her
stance.

"What, er, who's this Injor?"  Sally asked, as she swing again and missed,
rolling to dodge the returning blow.

"He is a Great Warrior from the stars, the Masked Biker.  He is the guardian
of the great animal spirits in the valley of time, across the dessert of
despair.  He is your key to regaining your power, but to face him, you must
be ready to be tested." She dropped to one knee, swung and knocked Pinto
Sally on her backside, ducked and rolled to dodge a pair of attacks by Mule
and Hellhound.  As she came to her feet Reaper vaulted towards her, his
staff describing an intricate arc, striking her hard on one side and then
counter striking her legs from the opposite direction.  She gasped, as Bull
snatched her staff and disarmed her.

The group stopped, all of them panting from exertion.  "Very good," she
breathed, "you will need all your skills if we are to defeat Rita."

"Defeating Rita is not an option!" Barked a menacing voice. From behind
some trees sprang a trio of cartoon pups, flanked by more tofu warriors.
The 3' tall anthropomorphic dogs were clad in high-tech anime battle
armor. "Surrender now or we shall spank you badly!"

Hellhound laughed, "He said spank, dude.  Who the heck are you?" The
Tofus started flanking the Grangers and Sha-na-na hissed in warning.

The trio make a series of fakey looking martial arts poses. "We're the
Samurai Pastrami Pups!  We fight for evil because the pay is better!"

"We're evil too!" Bull shouted back. "You stupid mutts better just hightail
it home!"

The dogs looked at each other quizzically. "But Rita told us we had some
goodie-goodie types to battle..." Another pup spoke up. "Hey! If they are
bad guys and we are bad guys then if we beat them do we become good
guys?!" The trio looked quite upset.  The tofu warriors however, did not
seem to have the capacity for such deep philosophical issues, and they
drew their weapons and started firing at the instantly scattering team.  Bull
squared off with the leader of the pack. "We're the Mighty Muddy Power
Grangers and from where we're from you guys are a bunch of pussies!"  He
drove his staff down at the dog, only to have it chopped in half by the dog's
sword. "I'm Pokey Pastrami, the leader of the pack, don't call us little
pussies cause we'll bite you in the back!" Bull shrugged, dropped the broken
quarterstaff [now two eighths?], and calmly blew a hole in the dog's forehead
with the stolen blaster from the previous Tofu battle.

Reaper found himself facing a small cute female dog, "I'm little Polly
Anna, I'm really sweet and strong, I know that we are going to win cause
I'm never ever wrong-*YIKE*"  She had barely finished reciting her lines
when she was belted over the trees by Hellhound wielding his staff like a
bat.  The pair high-fived each other and shouted "DOG-BASEBALL!!!"
The last of the pups drew a parasol and waved it threateningly.  "I'm Guido
Spumoni the flashy canine romeo..." he looked around him. "...er, but you
beat the boss dog and the bitch so I guess I better go!" He'd barely cleared
the tree-line when Bull clipped him with the blaster.  The dog tumbled out
of sight in the direction of Polly's arc.

"Hellllp!" Sha-na-na yelped. "Quit playing with the pups and come rescue
me!" Mule was smashing Tofus [Tofi?]  with his staff, the force of his
blows splitting the warriors in half. One of the Tofu warriors aimed his
blaster, and before Sha-na-na could shout a warning, managed to shoot
Mule in the shoulder.  The big hick bellowed in pain and fell, as his
attacker was decapitated by Sha-na-na.  The Grangers were shocked by
their formerly nigh-invulnerable teammate's cry, and the distraction was
enough for the remaining Tofu's to stun-blast Sha-na-na and for a pair of
the Tofu's to rocket away with her, while the rest of the Tofu's laid a
withering suppression fire. As Bull blew away two more warriors with the
stolen blaster, the remaining Tofu's flew away to the east.

"Aw damn it!"  Sally screamed as she leapt to the side of the unconscious
Mule, "Bull! Get me something to stop the bleeding.  "The wound's clean
and cauterized partly, but there's still some blood."  She shook her head
ruefully. "Gotta thank the authors for small favors I guess, it could be a lot
worse."  Bull snatched the small knapsack Sha-na-na carried, dumping out
the contents and finding some fairly clean scarves which he quickly
fashioned into a bandage and used the rest for a crude sling.

"Heh, uh-heh, this bites." Reaper muttered. "We better get out of here
before they come back with more forces."  He started scavenging from the
fallen enemies, and gestured for Hellhound to do the same.

Superchick sighed, then noticed a scroll tied with ribbon among the
dumped knapsack contents.  Unrolling it, she read it aloud as she sat next to
her injured cousin.  "Dessert of Dispair....Valley of Time....Strawberry
Fields...X" Mule came to, grabbing her by the arm with his good hand.
"Whoah, now Mule, yew gonna be okie-dokey." Pinto Sally  soothed. Mule
blinked and pulled her nose to nose with him. Sally noticed a rare alertness
about the team's brick. "Pinto...we gonna go get that fella's help and then
rescue Sha-na-na."  It was not a question, but a command.  Pinto stared into
Mule's intense eyes and nodded in surprise. "Uhm, sure thang sugah. Thats
what we're gonna do."  Mule sighed, relaxing his grip and passing out.

"What we gonna do?" Bull leaned his head questioningly. "I didn't  catch
all thet." Sally stood up and scanned the horizon. She pointed, looking up
from the map. "South.  We go south, through the 'Dessert of Despair' and
then the Valley of Time." "And," she added, "then we  gonna go rescue
Sha-na-na.  And then, its payback time."

"Heh-heh huh heh, cool, then like, we get to kill stuff!?" Reaper muttered,
"We got blasters for everybody...and jetpacks, and stuff." Hellhound high-
fived his cousin again. "uh Huh-uhhuh. Stuff."  He pulled a pin on a small
spheroid and tossed it to Reaper.  His cousin yelped  and instinctively
spin-kicked the grenade far away from him....and onto a pair of salvaged
jetpacks, which exploded quite nicely, thank you.
"SHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII*!!!!!" Those members of the team that were conscious
hollered.  Sally grabbed the pair by the collars and shook them angrily.
"Yew damnfool bomb-nuts coulda killed us!  Now give me the rest of them
grenades."  The pair looked at each other sheepishly and shrugged, hands behind
their backs, "Uhhhh, we ain't got no more grenades."
Reaper chuckled "Yeah, heh-hehheh. Like, thats all folks."

Sally's eyes narrowed, and released the pair's collars--and
grabbed somewhere else a bit more sensitive.  After a few lingering
seconds of them screaming and hopping, she released them, and snapped her
fingers, opening her palm.  A pair of grenades, pins intact, were obediently
placed there.  The two muttered angrily but softly to themselves, noting
that Bull held a pair of blasters on them, and judging from the look on his
face the pair were better off dealing with Pinto's not-so-tender mercies.
Sally surveyed the damage, and turned to Bull. "I count four packs now,
thanks to the idjit twins."  Mule stirred and started to sit up slowly.  Bull
shrugged. "Well we could either leave one of them behind....or ah could try
tah rig em up to that airspeeder that Sha-na-na crashed.  I figger if ah'm
lucky we could be airborne in an hour.  No guarontee thet its gonna last fer
a long time, but its better'in walking cross the desert."  Pinto Sally nodded,
"Awright.  You two help Bull, I'll get Mule ready for travelin."

The scene suddenly went black.  Rita Repeato, vile villainess and all
around weird dresser,  jumped back in surprise from her telescope and spun
around angrily, gouging a tofu warrior that had foolishly stood too close.
"Bester! Bester! You fool, your tofu warriors have apprehended Sha-na-na!?"
Her voice stopped, and seconds later, her mouth stopped moving.
Cheesy sinister music played in the background, while steam and fog
flowed through the room for no apparent reason.

"This stock footage is starting to really annoy me," Bester murmured
absently.  He turned towards Rita and in a flat tone and very unenthusiastic
russian accent droned "Yes Dread Mistress, ruler of Sabania, oh
_Glorious_ horned manevolent pointy-pectorialed Queen of the Plainly
Obvious, your brilliant plan has resulted in the capture of that which annoys
you.  And only at the cost of your personal guard dogs."

"Shut up slave!" Rita shouted, "Shut up slave!"

"You said that already." Bester added, smoothing his black leather apron.
"Now you will say 'Don't Mock Me' as you throw something at me, I'll
duck and scurry off and you'll wonder how I do it."

"Don't mock me." Rita growled, her mouth clearly out of sync with her
voice, as she flung a hand-mirror at her servant, as he scurried off.
"Damned mindreader or something." She reached into her purse and
inserted another Ezo power coin into the slot on the side of the telescope.
"Who does he think he is, making this thing coin operated? 'You have to
learn to control your temper.' 'We have to cover repair costs'... hah!" She
snorted indignantly, and fiddled with the rangefinder, vainly searching for
the Grangers.  "So they defeated my Samurai Pastrami Pups.  Big Deal.  I'll
just contact the syndication team and have them send over something new
to throw at them.  Or maybe I'll just wait until they find this Masked Biker
and eliminate them all at once."

Again, the scene faded, as ripples from a reflecting pool distorted the
image out of recognition.  A helmeted figure in grey stood from his reverie
over the magical pool and stretched. A voice from behind him whispered,
"The time of testing is soon upon you, oh mighty Injor." The mysterious
figure reached back and drew the katanna, point down, to look at the face
of a small rabbit head carved and painted on the end of the sword. "Its
about time Soba, you noodle-head. I was about to die from old age and
boredom."  The rabbit head blinked, "You know that will not happen here
in the Valley of Time, oh mighty Injor.  You could be here another five
years and it would be as if you had lingered but a moment.  Besides I kept
you busy, did I not?"

The grey-suited figure removed his helmet, his youthful face grinning good
naturedly. "Yeah, well, its about time something happened.  And for the
umpteenth time this month, call me Parker, okay? Injor was your old master."

WHO WAS INJOR!?  WHAT IS SOBA?

A SWORD WITH A TALKING HEAD ATTACHED? POWER COINS? SABANIA?

WILL OUR VILLAINS MAKE IT BACK HOME?

WILL PARKER PETERSON MAKE IT HOME?
[uh, duhhh... this is in the past, right?]

YES! WELL...OH POOPIE.  OF COURSE HE'LL MAKE IT BACK!

BUT GETTING THERE IS HALF THE FUN (and taking longer each day)

STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE, HERE ON SUPERGUY!
[hopefully within a month this time, ok?]
--
      Lawrence H. Brown, Consulting Engineer for Cisco Systems
      lbrown@cisco.com (408)526-4487  http://www.cisco.com/edu
"If you don't believe it can be done, stay out of my way while I do it"
     "The shortest distance between two points is off the wall."