🚀 go-pugleaf

     The lights dimmed - again. A spotlight lit on the stage. A quiet
grumbling decended upon the crowd. A tuxedo clad man walked onstage, shook
his head, and stood behind a podium. This was the moment for which the
crowd had been waiting, the moment when anticlimax would sour the dreams
that had been answered, the moment when others would have their hopes and
prayers cruelly crushed underfoot by an uncaring Readership, and the moment
when everyone in-between could trot out the well-worn old maxim as stated
above. Everyone sat relaxed with anticipation, waiting for something else
to go wrong. Everyone waited for _someone_ to speak and break the silence.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

               Chris Angelini/Frobozz Magic Productions

                             -and-

                       Task Force Aurora

                             -and-

                      The Superguy Authors

                 -through inspiration provided by-

                             Murphy
                    (Also appearing as herself)

                              -and-

                      Mademoiselle Muse Inc

                       -in association with-

           'We Didn't Mean To Colour The Sky Pink, Honest!'
               Industrial Special Effects and Magic

                              -and-

       The Overworked and Underpaid Lisa MacDougall (producer)

                            -present-

               *************************************
               ***The 1995 Golden Grunion Awards!***
               **************Part Two***************
               *************************************

                  Catering By: The Roadkill Cafe

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

     Hello everyone, said a voice from all around the audience. I'm
Frobozz's old Narrator, and I've been asked to come out and translate for
Mime Man as we present the 1995 Golden Grunion Awards. Now, some of you
might've heard that I'd had a breakdown earlier, but I just wanted to take
this opportunity to say that I feel much better now, having had several
weeks of intense help sessions, followed by not a little love from places I
didn't know I had support and a few 12-step programs that've made me feel
better about me. I mean, can you really blame me for what I did? My
parents, well, they always felt that children should be seen and not heard
and then they had a disembodied voice so just imagine how I was treated
growing up and I would've run away but how do you do that when you're just
some sound and no substance? But I know what you're saying, you don't care
about my problems, you just want to get on with the Grunions so you can
satiate your lust for meaningless recognition and gloat amongst each other,
forming little cliques that Narrators are _never_ invited into, no matter
how long their service or how good, and--
     The Narrator was interrupted by the sharp crack of a stun stick being
hit against the stage by a squinty-eyed psychiatrist.
     *sigh*, sighed the Narrator, as Mime Man began to gesture. Once again,
let us bid you welcome to the Golden Grunions, and we hope that you have
just as much fun watching them as we had putting them together. Our first
award of the evening honours those people who put their lives on the line
every day without hope of recognition or thanks. No, I'm not talking about
firemen or daycare workers, but about those superguys without whom we
wouldn't have a need for collateral damage insurance.
     An uneasy laugh rose from the audience at Mime Man's joke, the most
uneasy of all from superguys who had had special policies named for them.
The Narrator continued.
     And here to present our first award, Best Hero of 1995, is none other
than Phobos of Mason's Mazin Mob! Let's give him a big hand, folks.
     A round of applause, cheers and boos - from the villain contingent who
were in the back of the room, playing Diplomacy - arose as the young hero
mounted the stage.
     "Thank you, thank you," he said, blushing faintly as he accepted an
envelope. "And, the nominees for Best Hero are... Radian, star of the late,
lamented series 'Radian and Shadebeam'... Ramrod, for his excellent work in
a host of series, most notibly 'Team Cynical' and the well received 'Blow
the House Down'... and AquaRegia for her stellar performance in 'Preteen
Patrol'!"
     "And now," Phobos said excitedly, "in the conclusion of what was a
*very* close contest, we present the winner of the Golden Grunion for Best
Hero or Protagonist."
     With a deft motion of his fingers, the card was extracted and read.
     Phobos blanched.
     "Oh dear," he said. "Ladies and gentlemen...we have a tie."
     The audience gasped, and leaned forward in their seats.
     "A tie between...between..."  He sighed and dropped the card. "I
can't. I just can't say it."
     In confusion, the audience muttered to itself. What tie could be so
horrible that the presenter couldn't even announce it? What two people
could be so unpleasant sharing the stage together-
     In sudden realization, the audience groaned, and several hundred heads
dropped into nearly twice as many hands simultaneously.
     "Yes," the presenter said. "This year's winners are...Ramrod and Radian."
     A double whoop of delight ripped out from somewhere in the center of
the crowd, and the happy couple stood up and sprinted to the stage,
hand-in-hand. They reached the podium and, not having locked lips in at
least eighteen seconds, immediately made up for lost time.
     "Ahem," said Phobos with another blush, holding up the Grunion.
     "Mmf?" replied Radian. "Mmf. Oh. Oh, yes," she said with a grin,
releasing herself from Ramrod's grasp. "Thank you. This is a great moment,
and to be able to share it with my sweetie is just...very, very special to
me. I'd like to thank my mother, my father, my brothers, my uncle, my cat,
my altiversal twin, my teammates, my past, future, and alternate-future
selves, and the voices in my head. And of course, my boyfriend. Give your
speech, boyfriend."
     "Oh, right," Ramrod said, tearing his eyes away from her while she
turned away to touch up her whiteface makeup, which wouldn't have fooled a
bland man in its current condition. "Heh...um, boy, this pancake sure comes
off easy, don't it?" he said, wiping at his face. "Akane got normal
skin-tone makeup all over her face, there-"
     "DON'T REMIND US," insisted the audience in unison.
     "Right. Um...thanks for the award. I'd like to thank my teammates:
High Jinx, Rainy Day Woman, and Dynamite Vest Man. Thanks guys, you've been
great. And I'd like to thank the villains, without whom this would all be
pretty damn boring, in particular Andy Awe-Inspiring, who did that
beautiful swan dive through his coffee table, which I hated. But most of
all, I'd like to thank my extremely cute girlfriend, who -- and I don't
want you to be jealous guys, or gals if you're into that kind of thing --
who can kiss like a six hundred horsepower vacuum cleaner with a
rattlesnake caught in the hose and trying to get out. Thank you."
     "That was sweet," Radian grinned, grabbing the Grunion and leaping
into his arms, allowing him to carry her back to their seats while she
wrecked her makeup again while chewing on his ear.
     At the front center table, the Swede turned to Pickle. "I think I'm
going to be sick," he commented.
     "Me too," Pickle agreed.  "Whose fault is that nonsense, anyway?"
     Their table companions proceeded to pelt them with dinner rolls. Mime
Man sighed silently, and began gesturing to the Narrator.
     What a touching scene, said the Narrator. You don't see love or
loyalty like that these days and... oh I can't go through with this! That
was sick! Perverse! If I had a stomach, esophagus and a few other bodily
parts I'd be using them to be vomiting all over that stage!
     Mime Man began gesturing frantically, trying to convey to the Narrator
that ad-libbing might be a tad unfortunate in this case. But the stricken
and scarred entity pressed on.
     And what's all this nonsense about Characters falling in love with
Characters, hunh? Why don't we Narrators ever make those romantic links?
Prejudice, I call prejudice!
     A burly man holding a sparking stun-stick walked out onto the stage.
"Nap time, little Narrator," he said. "Got a nice, warm padded cell for you
to head back to."
     No... please no! Not the cell, I'll be good, I won't go off on a
tangent again plea--*bzzzt*
     The man dragged the Narrator off-stage, and nodded to Mime Man to
continue. The silent hero rolled his eyes and mimed his need for another
interpreter. After several moments of tense discussion backstage, a scruffy
man in tie-dyed shirt was dragged out and dumped behind the podium by two
armour clad STOP troopers. He looked around the audience from behind his
sunglasses then turned to Mime Man and shot him a thumbs-up. Mime Man began
miming to the man.
     "Heeeeyyy," said the man into the microphone. "Dude, I'm gettin' you
loud and clear, y'know? I sense from my kinship with your aura that the
next heavy category to go is... dude! Wow, this is totally
awesome-a-licious... the next category goes, like, with the other one, on
account of it being Best _New_ Hero! Blows the mind, man... what's that
little mime dude? It would if I had one? Woooah... major scorn comin' from
the silent guy. But my karma can handle the debt... although our next
presenter, Cantata Jones', can't. Keep workin' on that aura, lady!"
     Cantata swallowed and walked to the podium, list and envelopes in her
hand. In front of her spread all of Superguy and Authordom, which even in
her current state didn't help one Hell (tm) of a lot. The other Slackers
were cheering her on, which helped a bit. She avoided looking at Wayne, who
was bypassing the bit about "undressing her with his eyes," and going
directly to visually ripping her uniform off.
     Cantata coughed. "Okay, apparently I'm supposed to present the award
for Best New Hero..." Cheering drowned her, and she waited a bit for it to
die down.
     "Okay, list of nominees -- AquaRegia!"
   "This is it," said Sporkboy. "This one you're going to win for sure!"
   "But I didn't win the other one..." said AquaRegia.
   "Well of course not, look who you were up against! But just think of
what it meant to be nominated for Best Hero...  You've only *been* a hero
for one year, you're only ten years old, you're not part of a big-name
high-profile team, and you've only helped to save the world *once*! And
yet, you were a serious contender! If you're this popular now, you're going
to own this ceremony in a few years!"
   "Do you really think so, Mickey?"
   "I know so. And that's why they've *got* to give you Best New Hero."
     "Lampshade Man!" Cantata blinked at that.
     "Mr. Morbid!" More cheering.
     "The Grey Leopard!" Happy cheering from people like Mary Agnes, Tony,
the rest of the Synapse cast, and not least, Thelma.
     "Woo WOO!" Wayne yodeled from the back, leering.
     Cantata turned bright pink.
     "Kind request to all of you out there: Will those of you sitting near
the pervert with the purple hair and the joint please hit him for me?"
Cantata asked.
     There was a flurry of dull thuds. "OWCHIE!" Wayne yelped.
     "Thank you," Cantata said, going back to business. She started to open
the second-place envelope with a fingernail. Kevin (the Character) provided
a drumroll on the back of the chair in front of him.
     "Aannd the second place winner iss--" She looked and blinked, in the
hush of anticipation. "I think it's a tie."
     "What EES EET, man?" Frobozz asked. Cantata glared at him.
     "Mr. Morbid and the Grey Leopard!"
     Lots of cheering and all that stuff. You know the drill by now.
     Cantata opened the first-place envelope. "Aaaaannnd the winner of the
1995 Best New Hero Grunion is--"
     A big smile lit her face. "AquaRegia!"
     "YAY!" Astatine cheered, running up to the stage. Cantata grinned and
presented her the award. While Tatty wouldn't have minded getting it
herself, she had no problems at all with AquaRegia getting it, and was in
fact happy as Hell (tm) she had.
     "Congraulations, Teeny," Cantata said, offering the award to her .
   "Yay, yay, yay!" exclaimed AquaRegia, doing a Grunion dance.
        Over in the Guardians of Rectitude row, Mary Agnes slumped forward
in her seat. "AW!!! No fair!! Cory shoulda won!!!"
        "Now, now, Mary Agnes, we can't win everything! We have to be good
sports!" chided Tony.
        Mary Agnes extended her lower lip in a pout. "Cheer up, Kitten! I
had no chance, I was up against a cute little kid! Cute little kids always
win!"
        "Really?"
        "Sure! Why do you think you get top billing in our series?"
        "Oh!" Mary Agnes brightened and joined in the applause. "Yay
Astatine!!!!"
   Nearby, Spoongirl nearly choked on her Shirley Temple. "Best New Hero?
Her? She's no hero; she's just a ditzy girl with munchkin-level power!"
   "It's okay, dear," said Spoonman, comforting his daughter with a pat on
the head. "You're still cuter than she is. GYAAAAAAAAAH!"
   "Look!" exclaimed several onlookers. "Spoonman's flying up to the stage!
He's going to give a speech on AquaRegia's behalf! Yaaaaay!"
   "Oooooooomph!" exclaimed Spoonman, as he smacked into the wall.
"Grumph," he said, as he fell to the stage. "Oooch," he added, as he stood
up and rubbed his backside.
   "Yaaaaaaaay!" exclaimed the assembly. "Spoonman! Spoonman! Spoonman!"
   Spoonman looked over and saw the Best New Hero Grunion, the one he had
been denied just the year before, the one he felt that he had truly
deserved. He looked out into the hall and saw everyone looking up at him,
expectantly, and AquaRegia still doing her dance on the tabletop.
   He cleared his throat. "First, I want to congratulate AquaRegia for her
fine accomplishments this past year. She is truly deserving of this award
and the recognition that comes with it."
   "Yay!" AquaRegia exclaimed.
   "Shhhhhhh!" hissed the dozen people nearest to her. "Spoonman is giving
a speech for the girl who won best new hero!"
   "Sorry," she whispered back.
   "You are, at your young age, a very powerful person. And with power
comes great responsibility. Believe me, I know what it feels like to have
great responsibility -- after all, who has greater power than I do?"
   "A small lap-dog with bladder-control problems, for one!" yelled Captain
Dunne, but he was booed and shouted down by the crowd.
   "Yes, very funny," said Spoonman. "As I was saying, you have a great
deal of responsibility as it is, and this responsibility will only grow as
your powers increase and develop. I know how it is, because I have a
daughter who is very much like you..."
   This time Spoongirl did choke on her drink and had to leave the hall in
a fit of coughing.
   "It is my responsibility-- nay, my duty to do everything I can to
encourage young people like yourself, so that the future of our planet will
remain in good hands. You have enough to worry about as it is, which is why
I am offering to take on the burden of keeping and caring for this Best New
Hero award. Knowing that your award is being guarded by the Great and
Mighty Spoonman will give you the sense of ease that you will need, so that
you can concentrate on fighting crime and becoming the best new hero that
you can be."
   "Yay!" exclaimed Astatine, as the crowd rose to give Spoonman a standing
ovation.
   "What a selfless guy," said Mickey. "When I grow up, I want to be just
like him!"
   Spoonman modestly returned to his seat, pointedly avoiding the
high-fives offered by Space Moose, Mighty Guy, and Mighty Dog. As soon as
the spotlight was off of him, he tucked the Grunion under his arm and ran
out the front door.
      "Thank you all," Cantata said, waving, "And enjoy the shrimps at the
buffet table, courtesey of Task Force Aurora." Smiling, she left the stage,
and walking down the steps, made it to the bottom.
     Of course, this was precisely the moment GC's Edit of her stagefright
wore off. Cantata promptly fainted. Somewhere back in the audience, Murphy
giggled.
     *Poopie,* GC thought.
     "Shit!" Kevin (the Character) swore, leaping impressively over several
rows of seats to try to get to his prone cousin.
     "Like, whoa!" Wayne commented from his spot, seeing Cantata go down
(no, NOT that way! Get your filthy mind out of the gutter!). Rather better
positioning to the aisle and Invid quickness meant he got there first.
     "Like, whoa, she's like, passed, like, out," Wayne observed, looking
down. A big grin spread across his face. "Like whoa, like, um...like, what,
like, to do...Heh heh, oh yeah, like, first..." His hands got on her jacket
zipper tab, "Like, heh heh, loosen, like, restrictive, like, clothing..."
he grinned, pulling the zipper down.
     *POW*
     "OWCHIE!" Wayne yelped, hands blotting a profuse (and green) nosebleed.
     "Can't I even faint from stress without you pawing me?" Cantata asked
angrily, uncurling her fist, before passing out again.
     By that point, both Kevin O'Sheas had got there, and awarding Wayne
dirty looks, got Tatty's opposing ends and lifted her up. Wayne blinked
woozily, holding his nose, trying to get through his weed-hazed mind the
sight of two of what he thought was one guy. Kevin the Muse thppted at him.
     "Like, whoa, musta like, been some, like, mondo, like, weed..." Wayne
commented, watching the duplicates carry her off.
     Mime Man's interpreter watched Wayne watch Cantata leave. "What a
totally righteous guy," he muttered. Mime Man mimed checking his watch,
hoping against hope that these awards were almost over. Unfortunately, the
awards only felt like they'd been going on forever. He began miming to the
interpreter who shot him yet another thumbs-up.
     "Right you are, like, Mime guy!" said the interpreter, smiling at the
ceiling - just for being there, covering everyone from those gnarly
elements and generally being an all around fine top of the room. Then his
attention drifted back to the thoroughly disgusted mime who had several
times considered dropping an invisible wall on the man. "Okay! Our next
totally with-it award is intended to honour those Authors who've done their
best to provide most excellent reading material for the common man. May
they come back as cans of completely bitchin' Mountain Dew in their next
lives!" The interpreter grinned and held up a peace sign, while Mime Man
glowered at him and waited for the man to return to the 'script'. "So, like
can we have Elvis up here to present the wholly righteous award for Best
Episode of 1995?"
     An awed hush blanketed the room as the opening strains of 'Jailhouse
Rock' sounded throughout the auditorium. Taking the stage as though born to
it, the King himself drew himself to full height behind the podium,
accepting a box of jelly doughnuts from a fascinated stagehand.
     "Wail, thank you kindly, Readers, Authors and Characters for that
welcome that told me you loved me tender. It's mah honour and priveledge to
be on this stage, eatin' these doughnuts and sending two non-winners to
Heartbreak Hotel. The great powers above tell me that the three nominees
for Best Episode are, in no certain order, _Hard Times_ #10, _Blow the
House Down_ #5 and _Radian and Shadebeam_ #100."
        Mayor Karst adjusted his bow tie, and looked up at the hulking form
of his co-acceptor. Karst wasn't too keen on walking up to the stage with a
giant radioactive lizard, but, what the heck, it was exposure for Bob City.
If they won this 'Best Episode' thing.
        He looked up. The giant radioactive lizard was staring at some
index cards in its little stubby and muttering to itself.
        Now, on the other hand, if they lost ...
     Elvis swivelled his hips, causing half of the audience to gasp in awe.
"And the winner is... _Blow the House Down_ #5!"
        Karst shuddered as he heard the announcement. He looked up at the
forty-story lizard in a tuxedo next to him. Radioactive monsters were not
known for their composure in adversity - everyone knew about the year the
Blob had been nominated ... that was interesting. What did that sign read?
It was thirty stories up... "It's ..." Karst read "it's an ... honor ...
just to be ... nominated." Oh. Okay.
     "We won!" High-Jinx exclaimed. "We won! We-- keep them separated!"
     "Hey," Ramrod protested, as Shadebeam and Dynamite Vest Man positioned
themselves between him and Radian. High Jinx led the group and Rainy Day
Woman followed, cutting off any attempts either of the lovestruck couple
made to evade the blockade and reach the other. In this fashion, they
lurched in the general direction of the stage, fighting their way up the
steps and over to the podium.
     "Thank you!" High Jinx said into the microphone. "We'd like to...
Ramrod, stay still, would you?" Ramrod moped. "We'd like to thank all of
you who voted for this episode, though we don't have the fondest memories
of it. In particular, Ramrod, who got beat up in it pretty bad, Dynamite
Vest Man, who got burned by acid thrown by Andy Awe-Inspiring, myself, who
got knocked out by my altiversal twin's trolley staff, and Shadebeam, who
got pierced by several dozen rounds of Bac-os."
     "But we're all glad you enjoyed it," Shadebeam noted.
     "Indeed," Dynamite Vest Man rumbled, "long ago, when I was alone and
cold, I dreamed that one day I would receive an award for an episode in
which I and my friends suffered greatly at the hands of nefarious villains
who bore great resemblance to great heroes but were not really these
people, though they would pretend to be if it gave them any advantage, not
that they could due to injuries inflicted upon their faces. Now, that dream
has come true, and I thank you."
     "We'd also like to thank the Awe-Inspiring Force for inflicting that
damage," Rainy Day Woman said. "Without their incredible brutality and
unrelenting evil, we wouldn't have suffered nearly as much, and as such,
would not have been honored this evening."
     "They also had a nice coffee table," High Jinx noted, wistfully.
     "Too bad it was broken," Shadebeam said. "It could have been given a
Grunion for Best Destroyed Furniture or something."
     "I-- hey!" Dynamite Vest Man tried to catch Ramrod as he bolted past
her, but the reverie induced by thinking of the Awe-Inspiring Force's
shattered coffee table slowed his reflexes by a fraction, allowing Ramrod
to reach Radian, who had taken similar advantage of Shadebeam's
distraction. They weren't allowed to kiss for long before Dog-Thing
separated them again.
     "Give your speech," High Jinx told Ramrod, pointedly.
     "Okay, okay," Ramrod said. "I'd just like to say--"
     "Hsst," Rainy Day Woman hissed.
     "Not now. I'd--"
     "You've got a mustache."
     "A-- oops."
     Thinking quickly, Shadebeam murmured a spell. Something materialized
under Ramrod's trenchcoat. Surprised, he reached in and pulled out...
     "A glass of milk?" Radian, who was touching up her face paint, asked.
     "Um, yes," Ramrod said. "Milk. It... um... does a body good."
     In the audience, the Dairy Marketing Board cheered the sudden
dairy-oriented turn the speech had taken. Team Cynical and Shadebeam
escorted Ramrod and Radian back to their seats as the rest of the audience
reluctantly joined in on the applause.
     Sergent Graham looked at the returning Radian and Ramrod, before
turning to look at Private Collins. "Firehose?" he said simply.
     "He'd kill us both with extreme prejudice - sir," replied Collins.
     "So you'd like to sit through another display like that, Private?"
     Collins thought for a long moment. "Maybe... I'll see what our water
pressure's like today."
     Mime Man flipped his index cards and turned back to his interpreter,
only to find him gone, vanished, missing. Strangely, this didn't concern
the hero to any great degree.
     "Oh man..." said the interpreter, standing at the feet of the giant
radioactive lizard, holding a cocktail napkin and a pen. "Can I get your
autograph, man? I love your work... especially the parts where you grab
innocent little bug-like dudes and eat 'em before settin' the city on fire
with your napalm breath!"
     The lizard heard some noises below him, but they didn't quite
register. With a shrug, he shifted slightly, sending the wild-eyed man
flying through a west-facing window. Now, who was talking to him again?
***
[Continued In Part Two!]