🚀 go-pugleaf

JOEL said he hacked this thing for me.  So, assuming he's not lying like
some horrid dog....






                   Spreadable Cheese Product:
                        A Tale of Sfstory

                           Episode #1
                    "The Nudity of the Nuns"
                               by
                         Trudy Galloway



     Stan lurched into the large plastic tube and shimmied
through it, looking down at the people through smooth yellow.
His folks had gotten him the hamster sized habitrail when he was
a wee lil' punk, and he'd always *hated* that the rodent got all
the fun, so when he inherited his fortune, he'd bought all the
hamsters in the tri-city area and had them put to death.  He'd
then constructed a massive human sized habitrail and had lived in
naked, joyous, wood-chip smelling contentment ever since.  The
tubes extended throughout (unsurprisingly) low rent apartments
and onto the street below.  He'd hired people to change his wood
chips, refill his water, and give him those nummy pellets.
     But now, it was no longer enough.  He wanted it to be.  He
had dreamed of it so long, so hard, but now... now staring down
through the tube into young Kimmy Rotweiler's apartment (Kimmy
was very good at ignoring him).
     He needed... a mate.
     A hairy one.
     A *really* hairy one, that liked the smell of wood chips.
And wouldn't hog the damn exercise wheel.  Stan *hated* that...
always waiting waiting waiting and never a chance to scamper
playfully on his little wheel -- she'd probably want to use the
giant plastic ball of humiliation, either.  That's it!  Forget
it!  No way would he share his perfect world!  Not with anyone
for any reason.  He was the master of his universe!  He *was* the
God!
     Just then, the Washington Monument slammed through the
building, point down, at mach seven, obliterating everyone and
everything for eight miles around, and killing Hamster Boy nearly
instantly.
     This has little to do with Wendy, however.  She was riding
on her happy horse, out in the middle of the fields around her
estate.  She wore the red coat and silly little femmy helmet and
the pants that were really really tight but were colored cream
which *ruined* the effect entirely, and thigh high boots that
she'd bought with just a twinge of guilt but she got them half
off with the riding crop, even though the boorish boorish man had
waggled his eyebrows at her when she bought them, apparently
incapable of understanding a proper Equestrian when he saw him,
and wasn't it a lovely day for a ride, and why wasn't her happy
horse trotting along?  Whatever was wrong with it?
     "Pardon me," said the massively tall blue skinned alien (see
-- I *know* how to post to Sfstory) said in a deep baritone
voice, "but are you aware your horse is vomiting?"
     "Yes," Wendy said.  "I have become aware.  Bad happy horse.
Naughty happy horse!  Oh, what am I to do?"
     "Well," the alien said, "we could kidnap you, and I'll eat
your horse at no extra charge."
     "Really?  Oh, *bully!*"
     And so the alien snapped up the horse one two three and then
carried the delighted (and truthfully not all that bright) Wendy,
and threw her into the Prisoner's Cabin, where she was rather
vexed to learn there wasn't a *thing* to read.
     Which leads us to Brock Jackson, our hero.  Standing six
foot three with a chin that could cut glass and a blaster that
made exciting Juilliene Fries, Brock was the pride of
Interstellar University.  His shoulders were massive, his
pectorals hopped of their own accord when he flexed his toned
muscles.  Brock was, naturally, in the process of being mugged by
an eight year old.
     "I tell you -- I'm a hero!  I'm idolized by -- ow!  Stop
kicking me!"
     "Shut up," Spetz, the alien chick who didn't wear revealing
clothes or have sex with the hero just because he was the lead
and the ingenue (I *hate* that) snapped.  "Give me the keys to
your Space Cruiser."
     "Oh please, no.  I just had it detailed!"
     "Oh shut *up!*"   And so, Spetz coldcocked Brock, kicked him
in the head to see if he was still awake, stripped him to his
skivvies and spraypainted "Squid" all over him in glow in the
dark paint that irradiated Brock and made him sterile.  Hopping
into his ship, she blasted into space, right into the fender of
Judge Wallace, the Heroic Barrister of Alistar IV.
     Judge Wallace was having a very bad week.  First, he was
disbarred after they found the pictures of him with the snack
cakes.  Second, he had his home broken into by mythical
creatures, and you just *know* the Time Police *never* believed
you when you said "No!  I mean it!  A Pegasus stole my stereo
while the Unicorn ate me out of house and home -- even the little
silver ball sprinkles for the top of my cup cakes!"  And now, on
his way to see Renita Clark -- Interstellar Psychiatrist, he'd
been front ended by some idiot in a Star Cruiser.
     Grumbling, he and Spetz both popped the hatches of their
respective ships to observe the damage and trade insurance
information, which of course led to their being sucked into the
vacuum of space where there exploded and died... or so everyone
thought.
     Renita was pretty damn angry, too.  She was Galaxy-Famous --
she didn't have time for idiotic ex-lawyers with twinkie
fetishes!  Grumbling, she called in her next patient.
     "Hi," Saint Peter said.
     "Hello," she said.  "Tell me, why are you here?"
     "No one likes me."
     "Why not?"
     "Because I'm mean to literally everyone.  I had only three
friends, and one of them was never seen again after he appeared
in a post with me."
     "Wow.  That sucks."
     "Yeah."
     "Can you help me?"
     "No."
     Saint Peter blinked.  "No!?  What do you mean NO?!"
     "I mean no."
     "You're a doctor!  You swore an Oath!  Why won't you help
me?"
     "You don't have any insurance."
     Saint Peter blinked.  "I don't?"
     "No.  You work for Heaven.  Since no one gets sick in
Heaven, there's no way to pay."
     "Oh.  What if I got you excuses for all those times you--"
     "Let's talk."



WILL THEY TALK?
WILL EVA FIND THE VOLE?
WILL orrec EVER GET CAPITAL LETTERS TO CALL HIS OWN?
AND WHAT ABOUT JOHNNY?   WHAT ABOUT **JOHNNY?!?!**


Sfstory -- two more episodes and I'm all powerful.