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                   Time Better Spent Productions

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                            PRESENTS

                 A Tale of the Author's Altiverse

            "Random Noise from the Author's Altiverse"

                             ---O---

        The Nameless Author should have considered himself lucky. He'd
managed to survive his entrance into the Author's Altiverse by falling
from orbit into the ocean of Swedes, losing only his dignity (what
little of that there is anyway) and an aging 1969 Hillman Hunter
Royale. After making his way to shore, an ordeal best not described,
the Nameless Author managed to edit up a dusty grey 1986 Ford Meteor
Ghia and set out across the surface of the planet in pursuit of his
quest.
        "Quest, what quest? Who died and made me Don Quixote?"
        Fine, I didn't want to narrate this AA post anyway. Y'know at the
Narrator's Guild they told me AA is about the most dangerous line of
work I could get into.
        "Duh, that's why I'm paying you danger money. Or didn't you read
contract properly?"
        Well, I didn't have my reading glasses with me.
        "Ok, so the narrator can't read. What's with this anyway? Do
narrators usually act up in AA?"
        Look you, I know my rights. You can't push me around like this,
I'll go to Union!
        "Great, you go to the union, that's fine with me. I'm quite sure I
can narrate this AA by myself."
        Oh yeah?
        "Yeah."
        Fine.
        "Fine."
        I'm going.
        "Well go then."
        I'm gone.
        "Good."
        ...
        "Are you still there?"
        No.
        "All right then, where were we? Ah yes...."
        "The Nameles Author set out on his quest to... no wait that's not
right, that's what I objected to in the first place."
        "The Nameless Author set out in search of other Authors... hang on
that's a deliberately stupid action, which is probably in character
anyway."
        "The Nameless Author set on his quest to find something to do!"
        Ok, Ok that's it. I can't deal with this anymore, you're butchering
your own prose and making yourself look _more_ stupid than usual. I'll
narrate your damn AA post, but be warned I will not be laughed at,
ridiculed or demeaned in any other way.
        "I...accept your conditions, now narrate on McNarrator and damned
be him who cries 'hold enough'."

        The Nameless Author ranged far and wide in his travels, exploring
the many environs of the Author's planet. Many times he was forced to
flee from wild packs of rabid scooters, wild packs of rabid toothbrush
salesmen and the local inhabitants who usually formed into wild rabid
rotten fruit throwing packs of locals whenever The Nameless One said
"Hi! I'm an Author."
        After what must have seemed like many months of journeying, but was
actually just a few days without taking a shower, he found it, the
perfect site for his Authorial residence. The Nameless Author climbed
out of the car to better view than the bug splattered windscreen could
supply.
        The landscape before him was beautiful, majestic perhaps even
sublime. The rolling hills, the wide green meadows, the clear cool
streams, secluded groves and gentle wildlife, all bathed in warm
golden sunlight. The Nameless Author stood there and breathed the
tranquility and majesty of nature in front of him.
        "It's perfect!" he whispered. "Now for my Authorial Residence."
        Raising his fingers in the style of the Q and <CLICK>.
        In a flash of edit the idyllic scene in front of him was totally
crushed underneath the foundations of a perfect copy of the 41 storey
Chifley Tower office building.
        "Home at last!" The Nameless One crossed the short distance to the
lobby entrance, a doorman swinging the doors open for him.
        "Good morning Mr McManus."
        Without breaking stride The Nameless Author regarded the doorman
with an icy look. "That's Mr Nameless Author." He contiued through the
lobby to the express elevator.
        "Level 41." He commanded stepping into the lift which swiftly
ascended to the building's peak.
        The Nameless Author stepped out of the lift into his oppulently
appointed authorial office and discovered to his shock somebody was
already there. Sitting in his chair with feet on his desk, drinking his
Ocean Spray Cranberry Apple and eating his porridge.
        It was juuuussst right too.
        "*Dennis Stewart*, how the hell(tm) did you get here."
        "Come on now Keiran, I can call you Keiran? You're the Author, you
must have put me here yourself." the Switch replied.
        "Why, pray tell, would I pluck my lead character out of his story
line and bring him here?"
        Dennis leaned back into the Very Comfortable Chair(tm) and grinned.
"You tell me."
        "No way." The Nameless Author replied. "I don't buy that theory."
        "The theory that I'm the idealized version of your real-life self,
imbued with all the qualities you believe he should have. Confidence,
bravado, with a touch of recklessness...am I on the right track?"
        "At least you have the same pathetic academic record as me." The
Nameless Author quickly asserted. He turned and walked over to the
matching version of his desk facing on the opposite side of the room.
"Now why are you really here? You're after the Muse job aren't you?"
        Dennis took his feet down from the desk and stood up. "Well, I am
emminently qualifed. I am you, sort of, and you've given me the ability
to be in more than one location at once. It would be a productive
relationship for the both of us."
        The Nameless Author crossed the room to face his character. "Forget
it. I'm not ever going to give you access to the script before it's
finalised, there's no way I'd let you in on my deliberations about what
your powers can actually do. This world is already crawling with Elivs
knows how many Swedes, Nenei and Cantatae, the last thing it needs is
another character who can make copies of himself. Besides I already
have someone picked out for the job."
        "Who, the original Emma?" Dennis suggested with spite.
        "Look, I thought this was clear. Your Emma is totally different to
_her_ and besides I'm well past her now. I've moved on to better
things."
        "Like who?"
        "For your information Mr Smarty-Character, the person I've picked
for my Muse is Alicia Silverstone." The Nameless Author replied firmly.
        "You'll never get her." Dennis replied laughing.
        The frustrated Nameless Author chose this point to edit the Switch
back to where belonged, naked in Emma's parent's bedroom.
        "I'll get that Muse, you'll see!" he said to the empty office.

                               ---O---

        A short while later, after the Nameless Author had calmed down and
taken a shower. Now he reclined in the Very Comfortable Chair(tm) and
sipped an Ocean Spray Cranberry Rasberry, going over the script of Team
Mate. He called down stairs to the Editing Department.
        "Editing, I'd like you to send a copy of Team Mate to Frobozz, for
Authorial Perspective Advice. No I don't care if he's part of a
basketball court or fighting in some war against the scooters. Just
send it to him. Oh and by the way, you're fired."
        The Nameless Author finished his Cran-Rasberry and contemplated his
next plan. "I really should get to know the other Authors a bit better.
But how to?" Some head scratching followed, then some scribbling of
notes, a team of conceptual designers were brought for a brain-storming
session and subsequently fired.
        Finally the idea was hit upon. The Nameless Author called his
Public Relations Department.
        "PR, I want you to send invitations to all the Authors, yes that's
_all_ the Authors. Here's what they should read...

+---------------------------------------------------+
| The Nameless Author personally invites you to the |
|                                                     |
|          MULTIVERSE'S BIGGEST BARBEQUE            |
|                                                     |
|   At your earliest convenience. RSVP Soon. BYOG   |
+---------------------------------------------------+

        "That's it. Now get me Catering!"

WILL THE AUTHORS ACCEPT THE INVITATION THE M-B-B?

Keiran McManus - The Nameless One | keiranm@ibm.net
Author of The Switch/Team Mate

(c) Copyright 1996 Keiran S McManus, as described in the Superguy FAQ.
All other rights not mentioned in the Superguy FAQ are reserved to
Keiran S McManus.