🚀 go-pugleaf

Prince Boltar of Arorua walked confidently through the lower hallways of the
Aroruan Palace, absently paddling his paddleball.  He had grown quite
skilled since the last time he had appeared in this storyline, and was able
to paddle, walk, _and_ chew gum at the same time.  The others didn't seem
too impressed by this accomplishment, being more concerned with gossip about
the Jjana/Elim romance and Tvanir's reaction, but Boltar didn't really care.
He had found something that consistently amused him, and such things were
rare on Arorua.
    Passing by the Royal Shrine, one of the many tourist stops that had been
closed down by the Zakavians in a mostly unnecessary attempt to prevent
terrorism, he noticed that the doors were ajar.  Curious, he opened the door
and looked in to find Captain-General Tvanir sitting at a bench, looking at
the relics in the front of the room.  There, the Holy Harmonica of Astola
sat on its cushion, flanked by the mysterious crystal Cube of Rubyx and the
obscure Seemingly-Useless Item.
    "Prince Boltar," Tvanir said, still looking at the relics.
    Boltar blinked in surprise.  "How'd you know it was me?" he asked.
    "Your paddleball makes a distinctive noise."
    Boltar looked at his right hand, which was still bouncing in an even
rhythm.  He stopped it and walked over to Tvanir's bench.  "So what brings
you down here?" he asked.  "Are you still upset that you couldn't seduce
Governor Jjana?"
    She gaped.  "Does _everyone_ know about that?"
    Boltar shrugged.  "I dunno."  Tvanir stood and paced angrily, stopping
in front of the Cube.
    "I thought I had recovered," she said, more to herself than to Boltar,
"and then I find out they're sending Lotekh for a state visit.  They gave
the Third Fleet to some idiot Captain, when I'm stuck here with only the
Legion.  My career is _dead_."  She punctuated that statement by gesturing
at the Cube.  In response, one face of the cube rotated ninety degrees with
an audible click.  Tvanir leaped back, startled.
    Nothing happened.
    "Does it do that often?" she asked.
    "Yeah," Boltar replied.  "No one's really sure how, or why."
    "Oh."
    Nothing happened some more.
    "So," Boltar said, "wanna go for a sandwich or something?"
    Tvanir looked at him suspiciously.  "Is this a clever ploy?"
    "I ... don't think so," Boltar replied, a bit uncertainly.
    "Where did you have in mind?"

                            -------------------

                           STARCRUISER ANONYMOUS
                            (A Tale of Sfstory)

                                 Episode 7
                          Wherein Three Subplots
                       Converge in the Crelm System
                                    by
                               Dave Menendez

                            -------------------

The Crelm system was once home to the mighty Yerai Empire, who were known
throughout dozens of worlds for their wisdom, their art, their government,
and their powers beyond those of mortal men.  The operative word here is
'were', however, as the Yerai died out centuries ago due to a cataclysmic
failure of their Pez Synthesis Unit, which also inflated the price of Pez to
the point where a single dispenser could catch 10,000 credits in some
markets (20,000 if the plastic head was Radar Vogel's).  Since the Pez
Holocaust, the Crelm system has dropped so far out of interstellar politics
that few students at Interstellar University can even locate it on an
unlabeled starmap.  To be fair, locating _anything_ on an unlabeled starmap
is pretty difficult, given that they're just three-dimensional arrays of
points.  The current inhabitants of Crelm IV deny having any connection to
the Yerai, Pez, Radar Vogel, Iran Contra, and this plotline.  "We're
uninvolved," they claim, "leave us alone."
    Orbiting Crelm IV, the Zakavian Eighth Fleet waited patiently,
occasionally wondering what they were waiting _for_.  Their leader,
Captain-General Rtali, had considered conquering Crelm IV to pass the time,
but decided it wasn't worth it.  Instead, he had started a shuffleboard
tournament, shuffleboard being the national sport of the Blargoloids.  He
knew, however, that the tournament would end soon, and the fleet would need
a new distraction.  If only he could get some news from the Empire, then he
would know his options.
    "Ship dropping out of overly-hyped space," the scanning officer
reported.
    Rtali glanced up, wondering how long this would distract the crew.
"Identify," he ordered.
    "It looks like a Zakavian fighter, sir."
    "We're being hailed," the communications officer added.  "The pilot
claims to have important information about Captain Mselt."
    "Very well," Rtali said, standing.  "Have the pilot brought to my
office."

The fighter quickly flew towards the shuttle bay of the Eighth Fleet's
flagship, the IZS _Valorous Moon Yak_, leaving the space around the Eighth
Fleet empty once again, assuming you ignore the planet they were orbiting
(which, as noted above, is fairly common).  That space did not remain empty
for very long, though, as the Sub-Capital Support Interceptor _Futility_
dropped out of overly-hyped space.  The various scanning officers declared
that it matched no known ship designs, and the weapons officers recommended
immediate violence.  Even the Blargoloids get tired of shuffleboard
eventually.
    On board the _Futility_, the Green Squadron (minus Roy Gaelen, who was
elsewhere) reacted almost instantly to this new threat.  "Aaah!" Stan Losar
cried.  "We're under attack!"
    "Raise shields," Rick Hydrospok ordered.  "They'll find we're not that
easy to beat."
    "Hydrospok," George Daniels observed, "they outnumber us by a
considerable margin.  How exactly do you intend to defeat them?"
    Hydrospok grinned.  "We'll use the QuiteLarge cannon.  I imagine it's
fairly destructive."
    "Except it's untested," Daniels reminded him.  "That's what Blue
Squadron was doing when they vanished, prompting our search for them."
    "Speaking of the search," Sally Winters added, "I don't see the _Absurd
Physical Harm_ anywhere in the fleet."
    "No?" Hydrospok asked.  "Well, I suppose we could just...," he paused as
he noticed something.  "Does this battle seem rather quiet, or is it just
me?"
    "They seem to be missing a lot," Losar informed him.
    "Ah.  Can we fire the cannon, then?"
    "There's a safety lock."
    "Can we bypass it?"
    "There's a code on page 224 of the manual."
    "Winters?"
    Winters nodded, grabbed their copy of the manual, and quickly turned to
page 224.  "'Oh cursed spite, that ever I was sent to make it right'," she
quoted.
    "Is that the code?" Daniels asked.
    Winters frowned.  "I doubt it.  Someone seems to have replaced our copy
of the manual with the complete works of William Shakespeare."
    Hydrospok smacked his forehead.  "Losar," he mumbled, "fire something
else at them."

"What is going on?" Rtali demanded as he strode onto the bridge.  Behind him
was Guard-Lieutenant Vtami, who had been piloting the fighter.  The two had
been discussing Vtami's news, and Rtali was not in a very good mood.  He had
underestimated Captain Mselt, it seemed.  Of course, now that the Empire
knew he was a traitor, he didn't need to bother with all the secrecy.
    "We're fighting with an unknown vessel," the bridge officer replied.
    Rtali glanced at the tactical readout.  "How come we're missing so
much?"
    The weapons officer shrugged.  "We're just playing around, sir."
    Rtali sighed.  Behind him, Vtami spoke up:  <<Sir, that ship resembles
the ones the Terrans use.  We'd probably be better off talking than
fighting, given the probable power of their main cruiser.>>
    "Open a channel," Rtali ordered.

On the _Futility_, Losar had just figured out how to target the guided
missiles so they wouldn't get destroyed by all the near misses when Winters
reported an incoming hail.
    "They're hailing us?" Hydrospok asked.
    "They've stopped attacking, too," Winters added.
    "Let's hear what they have to say, then."
    <<Greetings Terran vessel,>> the voice on the other end said.  <<We're
sorry about attacking you like that, we mistook you for someone else.>>
    The Green Squadron shared a rather skeptical look.  "Is that so?"
Daniels asked.
    <<Indeed it is so.  So what brings you to the Crelm system?>>
    "We're looking for the _Absurd Physical Harm_, which we believe abducted
some of our colleagues," Hydrospok explained.  "You wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?"
    <<As it happens, I've just learned that the ship you seek is at Planet
Gloom.>>
    "D'oh!" chorused the Green Squadron.
    <<Um, yes.  You might want to use that big ship you've got orbiting Sol
VI; the defenses around Planet Gloom are rather tight.>>
    "How do you know about that?" Winters asked.
    Although it was a voice-only link, the speaker gave the impression of
blinking.  <<We have our ways.>>
    "No doubt you do," Hydrospok said.  "Thanks for the advice.  _Futility_
out."  He gestured to Winters, and she cut the connection.  "All right,
people, I think we know what we have to do."
    "Go back to the _Anonymous_ and let Gaelen handle it?" Daniels
suggested.
    "You've got the first part right.  Winters, plot a course for Saturn."
    "Aye, sir," Winters said, activating the appropriate controls.
    "Engage," Hydrospok said, pointing forward.
    The rest of the squadron groaned as the _Futility_ leapt back into
overly-hyped space.

Rtali watched the Terran vessel vanish with an unimpressive burst of light
and allowed himself a low chuckle.  This prompted Vtami to give him an
unreadable look (unreadable since you can't see facial expressions through
combat armor, or at least not Zakavian combat armor).  "When the Terrans run
into the defenses of Planet Gloom," he explained, "they're bound to do a lot
of damage.  Damage that will make _our_ lives easier."
    Vtami nodded.  <<So what will we call ourselves now that we're
independent, sir?>>
    Rtali shrugged.  "We'll think of something."
    <<Ah.>>
    "My commendations for the news you've brought.  In return, how about I
transfer you to the fighter squadrons like you wanted?"
    <<Thank you, sir.>>  With that, Vtami saluted, turned, and left.
    Rtali leaned back and relaxed.  He wondered how long the Terrans would
last against the Zakavian Empire.  He wondered how long his fleet could stay
undetected in the Crelm system.  He wondered how long shuffleboard would
keep his crews occupied.  At least there were several systems in the area
they could conquer fairly easily.


WILL THE GREEN SQUADRON CONVINCE CAPTAIN HARRISON TO TAKE THE _ANONYMOUS_
    TO PLANET GLOOM?
DOES THIS MEAN SHE'LL ACTUALLY APPEAR IN THE STORY?
DOES THIS MEAN THE _ANONYMOUS_ WILL ACTUALLY APPEAR IN THE STORY?
WHAT ABOUT THE BLUE SQUADRON?
WHAT ABOUT JEN KADAR?
WHAT ABOUT THAT GROUP IN THE AS-YET-UNNAMED FINSTAR F6000?
WHAT ABOUT ELIM AND JJANA?
WHAT ABOUT SCARECROW'S BRAIN?
HOW COME ARORUA GETS A SEGMENT IN EVERY EPISODE?
IS IT RELATED TO THOSE GIFTS THE AUTHOR KEEPS RECEIVING FROM THE ARORUAN
    TOURISM BOARD?

Find out some of that when Jen Kadar learns a trade in the next episode of
Starcruiser Anonymous.
    SFSTORY:  It's What's For Dinner.

--
David Menendez        <zednenem@psu.edu>
<http://www.cse.psu.edu/~menendez/>
Sfstory Author and DNRC Member
Minister Of The Recursive Acronym MOTRAM