🚀 go-pugleaf

    "Say, Boss?" asked the musclebound young man in the driver's seat
of the Owdi.  "Why are we goin' to Eeksburg?  Nothin' ever happens
there..."
     Herbert Orgillon beamed expansively, like a cat lining up snatches
in a mouse grab.  "Oh, but it will, Ox.  It will!"
     "You're kiddin' me, right?  What can happen there, a nap contest?"
     "Ox, Ox, Ox!  Where's your scope for imagination, m'boy?"
     "Uh, I sold it back to Thugs-R-Us for a copy of Fabulo's 'Be
Excellente' video?"
     "Ah.  So _that's_ what brought on all the pecs building..."
     "Cousin Yobbo, he says he'll innerduce me t' the EZ chicks."
     Ox's eyes glazed in anticipation.
     Herbert waved a dismissive hand.  "Later, Ox, later!  We have villiany
to plot first!"
     "Ooooh!  An' global domination, too?"
     "Yes!  Today, Eeksburg, tomorrow, the world!"
     "But Boss," protested Ox.  "I mean, c'mon, _Eeksburg_?"
     "Yes, Eeksburg!  A nice sleepy little town, where no one will
suspect!  What this place needs _IS_ -
     "A shredded sheepmeat deli?"
     "No, you idiot!  A _supervillian_!"
     "Oh!  Well, gee, Boss, that'd be you," said Ox Moroni, aka
Oxy Moron, (Pecs of Death, Brains of Pez, and villian-boy on the make,
err, in the making.)
        Herbert Orgillon, alias Mazter Media, beamed even wider.  "Yes,
my stalwart stoodge, it is _I_!  And I, yes, _I_! will perpetrate upon
this place the first of many of my crimes of the century!"
     "Gee, Boss, the century's almost over.  That'll have to be some crime..."
     "And so it shall be, my mental midget minion!  Yes!  A massive,
glorious, unspeakably insidious, cruelly heartless crime that will prey
upon untold miserable people!  Why I could suck in almost the entire populance!
     "It must be fiendishly devious and sly - "
     "Sly," Ox echoed, nodding.
yet pandering shamelessly to the masses..."
     "Gee, boss, you gonna run for governor?"
     "Of course not, you fungus!  It's February!  Elections are long -
Wait a minute!  February!  That gives me an _idea_..."  Herbert rubbed
his hands gleefully, eyes gleaming behind his gold rimmed glasses.  He
whipped out his bottle of Brillantine Hair Pomade and touched up the
oil level on his slick dark red locks.
     "I know!" he exclaimed.  "I've got it!  I see it _all_ now!  The
nastiest, cruelest most vicious thing we can do to February!  We will
subvert _Valentine's Day_!!
     "Gee, how we gonna do that, Boss?"
     "Pull in at that roadside rest there, Ox, I need to pace and gesture!
And pontificate!  And rant!  This is gonna be big!"  Ox obediently did so.
Herbert hopped out and strode up and down, waving and gesticulating
excitedly.  Ox looked on.
     "Gee, Boss, are you gettin' the big picture?"
     "Indeed, Ox, indeed!  I see the glory of our future dominion unfolding
before me!  Listen!  We'll take this celebration of love and turn it into
utter misery!  And all through the glories of Moichandizing!
     "First, we'll create the ultimate gift - the superdeluxe ultra
spectacular Valentine Tower O' Luuuuv!  With hearts, flowers, balloons,
streamers!  Disgustingly cute little cuddly plush animals!  Oozy, gooey,
tooth rotting chocolates!  The works!  We'll pile it all up on a tall
framework, see, for max visibility.  Make a gigantic display of it in the
Mall!  Then we'll market it to the hilt.  But!  With a lovely lurking
catch!"
     "So, what's the catch, Boss?"
     Herbert threw a fatherly arm around his minion's shoulders, and
gestured grandly with the other.
     "Picture it, Ox!  Advertizing!  Subliminals, my boy, subliminals!
One look at my video clip and we'll have them hooked!  I'll have all the
girls subconsciously thinking, "If he _really_ loves me, he'll get me
_that_!"  Greed!  Desire!  Rampant consumerism!  It's perfect!  And then,
I'll make each and evey male feel like he's a serious weenie loser if he
isn't out there buying the girl of his choice this superdelux ultra
spectacular Valentine Tower O' Luuuuv!  Meanwhile, those will only be
available in very, very teensy supply!  In fact, let there be only _one_
for the entire town!  And we'll have a HUUUUUUGE contest promoting it!"
     Ox beamed admiringly at Herbert.  "Gee, boss, that's sooooo rotten..."
Herbert gave a feral grin.  "_Isn't_ it, just?  But wait - there's more!
I'll have _lots_ of the miserably dinky little Consolation Bouquets
available, and we'll push those off onto them!  Imagine the girl's letdown
when she's been led to expect a Tower and all she gets is 2 daisies and a
candy mint.  Imagine how lame the guy looks!  And think how envious those
girls will be of the one cutie whose studmuffin fights off the hordes and
manages to drag the Tower to her door!  Jealousy and envy shall run
rampant!  Misery shall rule! This will be the most horrible Valentine's Day
anywhere on the face of the planet, and all because of me, me, _me_, ME!!!
_I'm_ the Evil Genius!"
     In the surveilance vehicle parked on the other side of the lot,
a man in a white silk suit listened intently, glowering at the equipment banks.
    "Him?  _Genius_?  Ha!  _I'm_ the one!"  Me!  _I'll_ show this sleepy
little burg _real_ villiany!   I'll sweep into town, destroy his videos
and inflict, err, distribute!  Yeah, that's it, I'll _distribute_ my own
instead! I'll flood Crawl-Mart, I'll blitz the video rentals, I'll make
sure that every man, woman, child, dog, cat and pet iguana has one!  Yes!
It's time I began my grand comeback and eventual overrule!  Driver!  Take
us out of here!  I want to get to town and butter up the locals before
that lamebrain gets there."
     Back across the lot, Herbert was well into his theme, egged along
by the admiring Ox.
     "Think of it, m'boy!" he was chortling.  "Only the richest rat
bastard in the entire place has enough moolah to bribe us to fix the
contest so _he_ wins!  We'll suck in all his money, too!"
     "Well, m'cousin Yobbo's got the money, and he ain't above bribin'
people.  Heh.  That's baaaaaaaaaaad, Boss!  I _like_ it!  Yeah!"
     "Onward then, Ox!  On to Eeksburg and infamy!"

                             *       *       *

     Meanwhile, in an Altiverse Far, Far Away(tm) -

     "Tech," said an icy voice.  A sternly regal figure in black flowing
robes looked out through a red lit visor upon the minion she had summoned.
     "Yes, Mistress Rewani?" answered the tech.  The only reason his
mechanical knees weren't knocking together was because he'd had the
foresight to latch them in place prior to entering...
     "The attempts to subvert the kitten failed.  He did not ingest the
SPAM.  We must make renewed attempts!  This time, _you_ will descend
to the backwater Altiverse that the Anghus is in, and carry out my will!"
     "Y-yes, Mistress..."  *Oh, Designer, I'm hosed now...  Really,
_really_ hosed...*
     The figure on the dias stroked back a strand of her raven hair,
slowly, sensually, and commanded - "You must go there and mingle with the
populance.  Gain the trust of this Anghus, then expose him to my Cyberpsi
device!  Implant the probe in his brain, and he will be my devoted slave
for the rest of his unnatural life!"
     "M-mingle with the p-populance?"  The tech looked down at his gleaming
metal carapace in dismay.  "B-but, M-Mistress!  The only one who looks even
vaguely like me, down there, is a fictional being in a _movie_.  All the
rest of them are jellied sacs of mostly water.  I don't _match_!"
     "Of course not, fool.  That's why we must change you!  Report to
Cyborging Refit immediately.  They'll deck you out in a skin that'll
deceive those mortal sheep."
     "Y-yes, Mistress."  The tech bowed, feeling all his fluid levels
drop instantly, drastically low.
     "Report to me from the transport once the change is complete.  Now,
go!"
     "Immediately, Mistress."  The tech backed hastily from the throne room.
Yet despite his terror of her, he did not go as directly as might have been
expected.  Instead, he lurked furtively to a panel concealed by stacks of
shipping pods, opened it and stepped through.  From there, he bolted down a
side passage to an abandoned warehouse sector.
     Rewani observed him secretly, remotely.  "As I thought," she spoke
aloud to herself.  "He'll attempt to take his 'project' along with him.
This should be... _in_teresting."  She smiled ferally.
     Zax finally arrived at a tiny alcove.  A squat dome crowned droid was
puttering around the cubicle, emitting cheerful little humming noises.
     "DARLA, we've got trouble!" he exclaimed.  "Big trouble!"
     *Bigger than you know,* thought Rewani, listening.  *Yet I'll wait
for a suitably ironic moment to close my grip on you, little droid.
Yeessss.  I'll allow you the illusion of escape.  It will serve to divert
me...*  She purred in anticipation.
     The smaller droid turned slowly to meet Zax, eyelights whirling in
puzzlement.  "What's wrong, dear?"
     "DARLA, she's going to send me away!  What'll we do?"
     "Whatever you think best, dear, of course," she replied brightly.
     "DARLA, I can't leave you now, you're almost sentient!  You must come
with me!"
     "Why yes, dear.  Where are we going?"  Her eyelights gleamed with
serene assurance, trust in him.  Zax winced inwardly, as he was not
outwardly capable of doing.  *She has no idea of the danger...  Oh, if only
I'd been able to install that last stolen component!  She was so close to
independent thought!*  But they were out of time.  His mentation processes
raced frantically.  Then with a flash sparked from desperation, he
concealed the component in a storage space inside his torso.  He prayed
silently to the Great Designer that it would go unnoticed in the skin
building process, but it was his best chance...
     Watching through her net of spy eyes, Rewani smirked.
     Zax turned back to DARLA.  "Now come with me," he said to her gently.
"I'm getting sent to a new place, and they're going to change me so I look
like the people there.  You're going too, but they're not to know who you
are.  When we get to Refitting, DON'T TALK!  I'm sorry I have to make that
a command, but it's absolutely vital!"
     "It's all right, dear," DARLA replied serenely.  "You built me.  Of
course, you command."
     "I'm going to have to improvise, but I'll come up with something, some
story that they'll be satisfied with.  I hope.  Oh well, now or never!
Activate command, and here we go."  DARLA inclined her torso, then trundled
obediently in his wake.
     Zax racked his cognitives on the long walk down the passage to
Cyborging.  By the time they reached the entry he had it down.  He thought.
Now for the test...  He pushed open the portal.
     "Yer late," growled the vatdroid.
     "I had to get my equipment.  It needs disguised too."
     "Specs only call for one.  You."
     "Last minute add-on.  I didn't expect it either.  Had me going all
the way across portside in an detour."  He let a touch of complaining whine
creep into his vocals.  "Why you think I'm delayed getting here?  But if
the Mistress makes an adjustment, it must be done.  You know that."
     "Ya, arright.  So whaddaya want the 'quip to look like?  Same's you?"
     "Close.  Except female, and modified to match the height.  That way
I can claim it's my assistant."
     The vatdroid made several swift passes at the controls, recalibrating
a second data panel.  "Right.  Set.  So.  Dump the 'quip in there, then you
go inta the other one. See ya on the other side, meathead."
     Zax nodded, carefully placed DARLA inside her vat, then steeled
himself and climbed into his own.
     Untold chronals later, the hatch popped and he staggered back out,
apalled to see the unsightly meat bag they'd covered him in.  He stared at
his reflection, wiping blond hair up out of his eyes, blinking, aghast.
     They'd done a better job on DARLA though, he thought, lifting her
still dormant form out.  Given her soft brown curls and a kind of quaint
charm.  He was glad of that, in a small corner of himself that wasn't busy
being terrified.  He quickly reviewed his programing on the fastening of
clothing, and got the garments tugged into place.  Then he carried DARLA
to the transport platform, laid her down gently, and tapped the
communication panel.  "R-Ready to go, M-Mistress," he stammered.  And was
surrounded by a shimmering of power as they slid downward through the
portal to that terrifyingly unknown place with the strange name.
Eeksburg...

Continued in part 2