🚀 go-pugleaf

   It was an ordinary day in Dillweed City, Paradise of the Jersey Shore,
and home to the Great and Mighty Spoonman.  Spoonman himself was out of
town, filming a new movie in Los Angeles with Howard Stern, but the fact
remained that Dillweed was the city where Spoonman hung his motley plaid
cape, and that made the criminals there think twice before committing
crimes that criminals in other cities would only have to think once about
before committing.
   So there was crime in Dillweed on that utterly ordinary day, but nothing
that we have to be overly concerned about for the purposes of this story.
This is, after all, a superhero story, and not an episode of "Cops".  You
won't find any street crime here, nor will you see realistic police
encounters that all tend to go something like this:

   "Howdy, officer.  I wasn't speeding when I ran over those pedestrians,
was I?  It's just that I'm in a bit of a rush to get this shipment of
heroin delivered, y'know?"
   "We don't care about that, sir."
   "You don't?"
   "Normally we'd take our usual 10% cut and let you go on your way, but
today we're filming an episode of Cops, and we have to make it look, well,
more realistic."
   "Cops?  Cool!  I love that show!  You want me to take my shirt off and
try to make a run for it?"
   "We would certainly appreciate it, sir."
   "And then you'll put those fuzzy squares over my face and say that I'm
innocent until convicted in a court of law, right?  Hoo-yeah!"

   No, you won't find any of that stuff in this episode.  Instead, you'll
find the kind of good, wholesome family entertainment that can only come
from cute kids in colorful masks and costumes.


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    @@@@@@@    @@@   @@@@@  @@@@    @@@   @      Episode #40
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  @@        @@@@@    @    @@@@   @   @  @      Copyright 1997
 @@        @   @    @    @   @  @   @  @      Greg Fishbone,
@@        @   @    @    @   @   @@@   @@@@@  All Rights Reserved.


[CONTINUITY NOTE: When we last left out intrepid preteens, AquaRegia
(Astatine) had just been kidnapped by a rejuvenated Admiral Morgan (Kate),
who had mistaken her for Spoongirl (Don't call her Nancy!).  What a wacky
story that was!  I don't know what happened next, and for that I blame
Jesse (ShadowyWriter).  An earlier version of Nancy (Don't call her
Spoongirl!) is still frozen in the continuity-amber of the Road Race from
Hell (Road Race from Hell), and for that I also blame Jesse (Scapegoat).
And finally, half of the heroes in the Superguy universe, including
AquaRegia (Astatine again) and Sporkboy (Mickey Dunne), are stuck waaaaaay
back in the Caverns of Gratuitous Death megacrossover (Blargh!), and for
that I blame... um...  Hey, look!  Over there behind that tree!  It's Regis
Philbin (Convenient distraction)!  *Huh?  Where?  I don't see--  Hey, he's
gone!*]


   It was an ordinary day in Dillweed City.  We covered that back in the
introduction, but we can't emphasize the point enough because we don't want
to build your expectations up too high.  Sure, we could easily say that it
was a special day in Dillweed City and give you a list of reasons, some
that might actually have some bearing on this story, but then you'd be
expecting all kinds of special things to happen.  When we say that it was
an ordinary day in Dillweed City, you'll be expecting an ordinary day from
the beginning, and should something special happen you will be pleasantly
surprised.
   Anyway...  It was an ordinary day in Dillweed City.  Not to say that it
was boring or uneventful or anything like that.  This is Dillweed City
we're talking about, after all.  If you've read this series, or the "Super
Seven", or early episodes of Louise Freeman's "Synapse and the Guardians of
Rectitude", you have a pretty good idea of the kind of stuff that happens
here on so-called "ordinary days".  We had a garbageman ruling the world
from here at one point, after all.  And just because it was an ordinary day
in Dillweed City doesn't mean that strange and unexplained events weren't
happening in Cleveland, or Pittsburgh, or Bangladesh.  We could start the
episode with an ordinary day in Dillweed City and then suddenly move the
setting to some really wild stuff happening in Brazil, so you'd better pay
close attention!
   So.  It was an ordinary day in Dillweed City.  On this particular
ordinary day, a grey Land Rover careened as if out of control across three
lanes of traffic of the Garden State Parkway, just outside of town.  There
was no Dillweed City exit from the Parkway, but the driver of the Land
Rover did not seem to notice or even care.  The off-road vehicle left the
road, plowing into the forested border strip without even slowing down.  It
would have made a great television ad, especially if the producers edited
out the crushed trees and terrified woodland creatures, but the only film
crew in the area was too busy taping an episode of "Cops" to notice.
   On the other side of the thin line of trees, the Land Rover emerged onto
a secondary road, immediately causing a five car pile-up.  The vehicle
swerved around the pile of burning metal, running over a wooden sign by the
roadside.  "Welcome to Dillweed City, Home of Spoonman," the sign had
proudly proclaimed, before it had been turned into a mass of painted
splinters.  The highway service was quick to erect a new sign, however,
because this was the sort of thing that tended to happen a lot on ordinary
days in Dillweed City.
   Five miles later, the wild ride came to an end as the Land Rover skipped
the sidewalk and crashed into a lamp post in front of the elementary
school.  This caught the attention of a group of bystanders, but only for a
moment before they were distracted again by a half-naked man being chased
by two policemen who were being chased by a "Cops" film crew.
   The passenger-side door opened and a man emerged from the Land Rover,
only slightly shaken and surprisingly still in one piece.  He took a moment
to adjust his Fedora and check the whip and pistol on his belt.  "Stay here
with the car," he told the driver.  "Once I have the artifact, we might
need to make a fast getaway."
   "Good luck, Nappy!" came the high-pitched reply.
   Indianapolis Jones smiled and began walking toward the school building,
taking in all of the details as he went.  It looked normal enough, but...
He paused.  "It's quiet," he said to himself, as he thoughtfuly rubbed his
stubble-coated chin.  Cautiously, he walked up the granite steps to the
front door.  "Too quiet..."  He bent down to examine the area in front of
the door, looking closely for traps.  Then he carefully took the final few
steps and stood with his ear to the door.
   Suddenly and without warning, a bell went off from inside the building,
followed by the shouts of two hundred small children.  The doors flew open,
and Dr. Jones fell back, struggling against the surging tide of
schoolchildren.  This was, after all, something else that tended to happen
on an ordinary day in Dillweed City.
   "Hooray!  School's out!" shouted Mickey Dunne, as he and his classmates
trampled the hapless archaeologist lying in front of the elementary school
entrance.  The ten-year-old dragged his Cousin Astatine behind him, trying
to keep her from disappearing into the wild crowd of children.
   "Can we stop by the ice cream shop on the way home?" Astatine asked
hopefully.
   "We're not going home, Teeny."
   "Oh.  Then can we move into the ice cream shop on a permanent basis?"
   Mickey sighed.  "We're going to change into our superguy costumes and go
back for our... extracurricular activities."
   "Yay!  You mean soccer, right?"
   "No!  Crime fighting!  Ammy's going to teach us how to fight crime!"
   "Yay!  Then we can go to the ice cream shop and help protect the double
mint almond chocolate crunch from being eaten by supervillains!"

                                * * *

   Back in a classroom on the third floor, a young golden-haired teacher
finished erasing the blackboard and walked across the room to check that
nothing had been left in the cloak room.  Behind her, a figure in crimson
and black swung in through the window, landing lightly in the front of the
room, tucking her head, and going into a roll.  "Glad you could make it,
Spoongirl," said the teacher, without turning around.
   "Can we get this over with, Ammy?" Spoongirl asked.  "I spend enough
time in this classroom as it is."
   Ammy turned and smiled.  "You don't think my instruction is worthwhile,
Nancy?"
   Spoongirl scowled.  "Don't call me Nancy."
   "Sorry."
   "My father is Spoonman, the greatest hero of all time!  Why would I
possibly need another teacher besides him?"
   "And what have you learned from Spoonman lately?"
   "From dad?  Well...  Um...  How lately is lately?"
   "This is a very difficult time, Spoongirl, for you and your father both.
You're coming into your own as a hero, and he doesn't want to stand in your
way.  Whatever anyone ever had to say about Spoonman, he always knew a good
thing when he saw it, and somehow kept from destroying it for far longer
than anyone would have reason to expect."
   Spoongirl narrowed her eyes.  "I know you're from the future and all,
but do you have to talk about my father in the past tense?"
   "Again, I'm sorry."
   "I don't mind attending a few classes -- heck, someday I'm going to
apply to the ALUA -- but I can't stand being stuck in the same class as the
human food-vac and her no-talent cousin!"
   "Is someone talking about us?" asked Sporkboy, as he and AquaRegia came
into the room.
   "No, she was talking about someone named Human Food-Vac," AquaRegia told
him.  "What a silly code name that is!"
   "Okay, we're all here," said Spoongirl.  "Can we please start now?"
   "Do you have your assignments from last week?"
   "Sure do, Ammy!"  Sporkboy proudly handed her a computer processed
report.  "The three of us went down to the Rat Trap and busted a whole
bunch of bad guys.  It's all in there."
   Spoongirl yawned.  "Yeah, could we get something a little more
challenging this time?"
   Ammy smiled.  "More challenging?  I think I can arrange that.  We have
two special guests this week.  The first should be arriving in a few
seconds..."
   The air shimmered in the front of the classroom, slowly resolving into a
humanoid form.  He stood close to seven feet tall, with clothing that
seemed to be made from small patches of dark leather lashed together with
metal bands.  His eyes were several times larger than a human's, and the
rest of his face was covered by red cloth.  On his head was a red cowl that
flared out behind him like a cape and reached almost to the floor.  He
looked around the room, making eye-contact with each of them before
speaking.  "My friends, I must say good-bye to you now.  This latest
incident at the Temple has shown that our kind and yours should not coexist
directly.  And so, we will taking a much lower profile in historical events
for a while.  My people are in your eternal debt, Preteen Patrol, for the
service that you have provided to the Continuum.  May your lives be filled
with happiness and Continuity after our parting."
   Ammy gave the being a knowing smile, and then turned to examine the
expressions of her three pupils.  Spoongirl and Sporkboy were both suitably
puzzled, while AquaRegia paid the new figure no mind and continued to carve
mathematical formulae into the desktop with her fingernails.
   "Uh... question?" said Sporkboy, raising his hand.
   The figure bowed humbly.  "You have but to ask, great master of the
spork, and I will endeavor to provide what answers you require."
   "Yeah...  That's great and all, but...  Who the hell are you?"
   Spoongirl rolled her eyes.  "That was really diplomatic, Sporkboy."
   The figure moved forward slowly, causing the boy hero to jump back
instinctively behind his cousin.  "We have met several times in the future,
but no, I keep forgetting that most human minds remember in one direction
only.  For me, you are old friends who have served the Continuum on three
separate occasions.  But for you, this will be our first meeting.  My
designation is 192."
   "Nice to meet you, 192," said Spoongirl.
   "Do you have any fudge?" AquaRegia asked, looking up eagerly.
   "Okay," said Sporkboy, coming forward again.  "You're from our future.
I can deal with that.  But what's the Continuum?"
   "We are the Lords of Continuity, young sporkmaster.  Have you ever
noticed the unusual nature of time in this universe?  How some events occur
after other events that should not have yet taken place?  How other events
that humans may remember do not to happen at all?  And how some events
become frozen in time and never seem to end?"
   "Like the time I was kidnapped by Admiral Morgan and never rescued?"
asked AquaRegia.  "Or the time my cousin and I went to Japan to join the
Super Seven and then never came back?"
   "Exactly."
   "What are you talking about?" Sporkboy demanded.  "Of course we came
back from the Caverns of Gratuitous Death -- how else would we be here
right now?"
   "Our mission is to mend the rips in the fabric of Continuity itself,"
192 continued.  "Not perfectly, of course, but with enough thread and
patches that the universe holds together and most of its inhabitants are
unaware of the constant temporal paradoxes.  To do more would be the realm
of Authorship, into which we can not venture."
   "Authorship," Astatine mused.  "I kind of like the sound of that..."
   Spoongirl gave her a disdainful look before turning back to the
mysterious stranger.  "If you're so powerful, what do you-- er, what did
you need our help for?"
   "Our nature is reactive, Lady of Spoons.  We can not take action until
after a problem arises, and by that point there may be no solution within
our power.  When the villainous Europa stole the Continuum Crystal from the
Temple of the Gods, she became a redactor in the history of this world,
with power greater than our own.  We could not act, but you could -- to
prevent her ascension from happening in the first place."
   "Ah, I see."
   "You do?" Ammy asked.
   Spoongirl thought about it for a few more seconds.  "No, not really, but
I thought I did for a moment there."
   "It's simple!" Sporkboy exclaimed.  "In his past, which is our future,
we have to go to the Temple of the Gods to keep the Continuum Crystal from
being stolen, or else our pasts and futures will both be destroyed by this
Europa person!"
   "That is correct," 192 stated.
   "You don't have to look so smug about being right," Spoongirl told her
teammate.
   "So, 192, when exactly did we save the universe for you?"
   "The most recent time was just this past afternoon, my friends."
   "Great," said Spoongirl, "that doesn't give us a whole lot of time to
prepare...  When I studied up on the natural poisons of South America, I
think I remember reading something about a Temple of the Gods..."
   "Very good, Spoongirl," said Ammy.  "Your studies have given you some of
the basic knowledge that you will need on this mission.  The Temple of the
Gods is located deep in the rain forests of Brazil.  To find it, you will
need a guide."
   "And where are we supposed to find a jungle guide on such short notice?"
she snorted.
   "I came as soon as I heard," said Dr. Jones, as he skidded into the
room.  He wore a leather jacket, felt Fedora, and three days of beard
stubble.  For some reason, there were tiny sneaker-prints all over his body.
   "Our guide?" Spoongirl asked her teacher.  Ammy nodded.  "How do you
*do* that?"
   "My name is Jones," said the newcomer.  "Dr. Indianapolis Jones.  But
you can call me Nappy.  I believe you have an artifact for our museum?"
   "Right here," said Ammy, handing him a chalkboard eraser.
   Nappy Jones turned the item over in his hands.  "Incredible!  The famed
Eraser of Power from the Ming Dynasty!  Where ever did you find it?"
   Ammy shrugged.  "My last teaching assignment was in the Ming Dynasty --
I grabbed it on the way out."
   "Um, Dr. Jones?" asked Sporkboy.  "Do you know how to get to the Temple
of the Gods?"
   "The one in Louisiana?"
   "No...  Brazil."
   "Oh, sure.  The one in Louisiana's bigger and more modern, but the other
one is nice as well."
   "We sort of have to go there," Spoongirl told him, "and we need an
experienced guide."
   Nappy looked over at Ammy.  "In exchange for the eraser?"
   "Consider it a deal."
   "Great!" exclaimed Sporkboy.  "Come on, let's go!  We don't have much
time to get there!"
   The three kids and pushed their new guide out into the hallway and ran
off down the hall with him.  The last voice audible from the classroom was
that of AquaRegia.  "Can we stop at the ice cream store before we save the
universe?"
   Ammy chuckled to herself.  "You're going to miss them, aren't you?"
   "We will continue to watch them, just as we watch the rest of the
universe," 192 told her.  "But there will be no further interaction.  Yes,
that saddens me."
   "But you will still come by for social visits, hmmm?  We have a poker
game scheduled for five days ago, remember?  You, me, 518, 237, and Mark
Twain."
   "Of course we will be there, Ammy.  Are you not still an honorary member
of our Continuum?  We could never cut our ties to you -- of all the humans
who ever lived, you always did understand us the best."  He took a step
back and shimmered into a fold of space-time, leaving the young teacher
alone again.
   "I try my best to understand, old friend," she said into the air.
"Still, it has always puzzled me...  How can beings with a full knowledge
of past, present, and future play poker so *badly*?"


WILL THE PRETEEN PATROL FIND THE TEMPLE OF THE GODS?

HOW MUCH WILL 192 AND HIS FRIENDS LOSE IN THEIR POKER GAME?

WILL ASTATINE SHOW UP IF REFRESHMENTS ARE SERVED?

Find out in the next Continuity-packed episode of Preteen Patrol, only on
*SUPERGUY*

--
And now a message from your friend, Astatine:

"Hi, I'm Astatine.  You might know me from such stories as 'Preteen
Patrol', 'Teen Team 2001', and 'Winner Take All'.  I've also been writing
the 'Fibonacci Series' with the help of my cousin, Mickey.  The Golden
Grunion voting is taking place now, and you should all send in your votes
because it's really important to speak up and make your opinions count.
And while you're considering your ballots, I'd like to put in a very
personal plug...

"Toasty Tarts.  Along with milk, juice, hamburger, waffles, bacon, refried
beans, Jell-o, soda, chocolate cake, blueberry pancakes, cereal, and a side
of beef, Toasty Tarts are part of a good nutritious breakfast like I enjoy
every morning.  When it comes to voting for Best Appearance Of A Breakfast
Food Item, I hope that you choose the one with 8 essential vitamins and
enough sugar to carry you through until your mid-morning snack.

"Yay, Toasty Tarts!"

This has been a public service message sponsored by the Committee to
Designate Toasty Tarts as the Best Appearance Of A Breakfast Food Item in
1996.

---
fishbone@user1.channel1.com                          Greg Fishbone, Esq.

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