🚀 go-pugleaf

When in doubt as to whether the new reed you're using is producing all
the smooth air flow of which it is capable, a simple wind turbulence
test may be orchestrated to finally allay suspicion once and for all.
Now, of course, not everyone has ready access to a laboratory wind
tunnel, but with everyday ordinary household items I can show you how
to easily construct your very own high-accuracy wave propagation
convergence accelerator.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED
First assemble the following items: a very fast car with a trailer
hitch on the REAR bumper, a single occupant horse trailer, a 6' 2 x 4,
your musical instrument (with the reed to be tested in place), an
accordion-style automobile jack, duct tape, a cinnamon cruller, a tape
measure, a referee's whistle (the louder, the better) and a sober
friend that can drive a fast car pulling a single occupant horse
trailer that is occupied by you.

GETTING STARTED
The first thing you'll want to do is eat the cinnamon cruller BUT WAIT!
Don't.  You're going to need that later.  The first thing you SHOULD do
is to fill the gas tank of the very fast car.  May as well check the
fluid levels, too.  It never hurts.  NEXT, attach the single occupant
horse trailer to the trailer hitch on the rear of the car.  Place the
referee's whistle around your neck and insert the cinnamon cruller in
your pocket (I find the left front pocket of your good shirt to be the
most accomodating).  Enter the horse trailer with the 2 x 4, the jack,
duct tape, measuring tape and your instrument.  Use the measuring tape
for everything.  Seriously, we want this to be as scientific as
possible, right?  So measure the 2 x 4, your instrument, the trailer,
everything.
NEXT, while facing toward the front of the trailer (the front of the
truck), turn to your right.  Extend the 2 x 4 through the opening that
is closest to eye level (use the tape measure if you have to) on the
right hand side, then slide the left side of the 2 x 4 through the
lefthand eye level opening.  You should have a skinny work table in
front of you now (at eye level).  Using duct tape, affix the
accordion-style auto jack securely to the 2 x 4 OUTSIDE the horse
trailer on the right hand side, then reach into your pocket and extract
the cinnamon cruller.  Gingerly place it horizontally on the jack
(perpendicularly to the horse trailer).  Give your sober driver
instructions to start the very fast car and floor it (this works best
on a straightaway, naturally, for obvious reasons).

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION HERE:
As soon as the driver starts accelerating, you should begin cranking
the jack (with the cruller perched atop) as quickly as possible.  When
the cruller reaches escape velocity, it will fly off the jack and land
in the road behind you.  DO NOT RETRIEVE THE CRULLER AT THIS TIME!
Instead, place your instrument atop the jack and blow the referee
whistle repeatedly until the instrument also attains escape velocity.
As soon as your instrument leaves your field of vision, bang repeatedly
on the side of the horse trailer until the driver happens to hear you
and stops.  Run back to the instrument (I don't know why, but I keep
picturing a clarinet).  Carefully examine the reed.  Blow through it.
Harder!
Damn, is it ruined?
DAMN IT!  This shouldn't have happened!

I have to go now.  I have a date.


THIS HAS BEEN A SLICE OF HEAVEN,

Felonious J. Cubensis
Bars Cleared, Lions Neutered