🚀 go-pugleaf

Greeting to all Monk Magazine followers past, present and future:

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Alfredo Maradona of Internet Access and
the borrowed equipment of Demon The Trog Dog, the meta-media release party
for the San Francisco issue of Monk was a giant humungous mind-blowing
success. We managed to offend pract ically everyone...including the nearby
geriatric campers in their silver Airstream, who commented this morning
that they'd "never seen so many screaming men in their entire lives." I
said, "this is San Francisco; get used to it, baby."

We transmitted the entire party to the internet as it progressed from the
sublime to the ridiculous.  For starters, there was the endless parade of
eccentric SF personalities--from San Francisco issue designer David Jude,
who intoned his now famous intern et mantra--"Sri Lanka, Columbo, Arthur
C. Clarke"--to issue star, 12 year-old Miles "Bridget" Bainbridge, whose
brilliance saved the day on more than one occasion, to a host of fabulous
local subscribers (including two of Jim's high school debate buddies from
Omaha, Nebraska), and, of course, birthday boy, Michael Monk, who had just
come into town the night before, having been on the road with noted
videographer Ellen Spiro (Greetings From Out Here)....Mike's appearance
was especially noteworthy given tha t only two hours before the party
began, around 5:00 p.m. at TiCouz in San Francisco's Mission District, he
was dining with Seattle monk Eric Oquist when a man walked up to their
table and stole Eric's wallet of cash and credit cards right out of his
hand and sprinted out the restaurant Mike and Eric immediately leaped
through an open window and through two extra large bodyguards attempting
to block their way. The two legged it up Valencia in hot pursuit of the
fleet-footed bandit. Fortunately, the robber headed down an alley. Mike
headed over to one side of the street, Eric went to the other and the
robber was simultaneously trapped in the middle of the street. At that
moment a man from the nearby projects came up and started pummeling
Michael Monk. Fort unately, just then two police arrived. Two GAY police,
whom Mike recognized.  The robber dropped the wallet in the street, and he
and the other fellow walked away nonchalantly as if nothing had happened
at all. "I didn't do it. ..l was trying to protect m y friend," said the
second man. The policeman wasn't buying it. "Yeah right, gimme a break..
.two skinny white guys in the middle of your neighborhood are a really big
threat, like their really, really dangerous?" The robber was informed of
his rights and handcuffed. Mike and Eric gave him menacing looks as he was
driven away shaking his head at his stupidity. The cops were delighted to
learn that Eric intended to prosecute the robber "to the fullest extent of
the law, even if it meant flying down from Se attle."

If this is what Michael Monk had been through BEFORE the party had
started...just think of his addled brain around 9:00 p.m., two hours into
the party, when Jim arrived with a giant birthday cake from Dianda's
Bakery, a chocolate cake baked from scratch b y beautiful and eccentric
homemaker Nancy Bainbridge, a tub of Ben & Jerry's deep chocolate ice
cream, dozens of peace pops, a gift of free prescription eyeglasses, and
most notably, live entertainment from San Francisco issue cartographer
Richard Dingman , who performed a striptease on top the Monkmobile. It was
definitely the highlight of the evening. 

At first, Richard was reticent. He knew a lot of the folks in
attendance--including SFluminarian Gregg Deborah Taylor--but he was coaxed
into it by Jim's inimitable charm.For his performance, Richard climbed on
top the Monkmobile, and as the sounds ofNirv ana poured out of the
loudspeakers, he appeared in a black monk's robe atop theBounder. To the
total shock and enjoyment of the crowd, Richard gradually strippeddown to
a giant jock strap lit up with Christmas lights. This brought the
neighboringGerman to urists out of the woodworks, as they marveled at
experiencing such a truly"San Francisco" event. 

Not to be outdone, diminutive lesbo legend, Texas Tomboy, suddenly
appeared with afilm projector in hand and showed a short reel of old
circus footage against the side ofthe Monkmobile. In an ironic twist,
Cirque du Soleil was performing at just that mome ntacross the street from
the SF RV Park. 

By this point the party was already feeling like a post-modern Chautauqua.
But, ofcourse, there was still more to come, as folks jammed into the
Monkmobile to watchthemselves being watched by Mr. Apple Pi, Jonathan
Ogden and proprietors Sherriand Kit of t he Electronic Cafe in Santa
Monica, CA. Since the Monk computer couldonly handle video, we made phone
contact to add the audio component. Pi couldexplain more about how many
people actually watched the party, but it seemed like alot. A major
turning point occurred around 11:00 when Jim Monk realized that with
allthe hoo-ha around this videonet activity he forgot to put real tapes in
the video camera.Jim rustled through the collection of Monk videotapes and
came up with a tape thatread C-23. "Must be prett y harmless," Jim
thought. But since we didn't want to break offfrom the internet, we
decided to screen the contents of "C-23" on the internet Wequickly learned
we were broadcasting revealing footage from California's nudebeaches
courtesy of U ~I video), i ncluding a series of buff shots which sent the
Monkparty into an uproar and dozens of followers around the world into
hiding ...As it lookedlike we were losing all interest in the Monk
meta-media extravaganza, suddenly thevisage of a Mr. Ozturk appeared i n a
QuickTime box on the screen We imaginedOzturk stuck in Turkey, pipe in
hand, enjoying this slice of nude Americana, though hewas probably stuck
in neighboring Milpitas. 

The success of this event has emboldened us to go one step further. Coming
upsometime in August The Monks will be the featured attraction on the
launch of a newalternative on-line service, Transom (watch for more
meta-media, such as a video ofthe monks vi deotaping a local television
station videotaping our digital video presenceon the internet) Also coming
up this Fall, watch for the Monk home page, roster ofback issues, usenet
group and much more on Worldwide Web and The Well. Tosubscribe to Monk,
the wo rld's only mobile magazine, send $10/4 issues, $18/3 episodes or
$100 for a lifetime after lifetime of episodes to Monk, 175 5th Avenue.,
Suite 2322, NY, NY 10010. For foreign subscribers, it's $15/4 episodes,
$28/8 episodes and $200 for a lifetime after lifetime subscription. Our
book, Mad Monks On The Road: A 47,000 Dashboard Adventure, is only $13,
including postage and handling ($18 outside the U.S ). To charge by phone
or to leave a message call 212-465-3231. 

Special thanks to trailer queen Buddy White for use of his phone and his
hilarious dramatic reading, plus event sponsors Ben & Jerry's (or should
we say Brian and Jerry's in honor of local promo guru Brian Caines) for
the fabulous treats and San Francisco 's 20 Tank Brewery for three kegs of
killer beer---the monks and monkettes were genuinely surprised at the high
quality of lager being served at such a trailer trash affair. 

Don't forget to subscribe!

From the highways of America, I remain

Jim "The Mad Monk" Crotty
Peripatetic Publisher,
Monk, The Mobile Magazine