🚀 go-pugleaf

Flamer's Handbook (Flame Form included)          (Slightly censored)
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reposted from (yes) rec.humor  

1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies 
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, 
Brian Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot." 

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of 
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're 
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Peach Pshawski (God Bless 
You!), by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad 
case of .........." 

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the 
next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION to EZ-
READER to PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths until 
your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere. 

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't 
*possibly* be that you're a #anatomypart@. There's obviously a 
conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by 
exposing it. 

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin 
& Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in 
good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, |Didley has 
libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, |Didley." 

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states 
outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand 
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's pasta 
preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying. 

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca 
of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times 
per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi, 
vici", "fetuccini alfredo". 

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince 
them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that 
you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the 
scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my 
SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'". 

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American 
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by 
the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-
posting or move a flame war to Netusers is either a communist, a 
fascist, or both. 

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, 
have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have 
seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is 
the beauty of flamers' logic. 

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember 
this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you 
will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than 
you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make 
you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to 
do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange 
things with ..........." 

The Golden Rule of Flaming:

My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.

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                               Form Flame

Instructions: 1) Check All That Apply in Each Category.
              2) Post As A Reply to Conference Drivel.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear:

 [ ] Clueless Newbie  [ ] Lamer    [ ] AOLer           [ ] Meee
                                                           tooooo'er
 [ ] Troll            [ ] Pervert  [ ] Dumb*ss         [ ] Idiot
 [ ] Loser            [ ] Scammer  [ ] Spammer         [ ] Moron
 [ ] Nazi pig         [ ] *sshole  [ ] D*ckhead        [ ] Header Forger
 [ ] Scumbag          [ ] Bigot    [ ] Waste of Oxygen [ ] Monkey Spank
 [ ] Dumb*ss who can't find the CAPS LOCK button       [ ] Lousy Parent

You Are Being Flamed Because:

 [ ] You suck                         [ ] Your sig sucks
 [ ] You posted a MEEE TOOOOOO!       [x] You p*ss me off
 [ ] You started an off-topic thread  [x] You're an idiot
 [ ] You crossposted to more than five newsgroups
 [ ] You posted a "What is Netscape?"
 [ ] You posted a "How do I turn these characters into a picture?"
 [ ] You posted an attempt to defend America Online
 [ ] You posted racist, anti-semetic, or otherwise prejudiced shit
 [ ] You posted an ad where it isn't welcome
 [ ] You posted a non-binary to a binaries newsgroup
 [ ] You posted a binary to a non-binaries newsgroup
 [ ] You posted an argument that has been made a googol times
 [ ] You posted an argument that has been made a googolplex times
 [ ] You posted an argument, then contradicted yourself
 [ ] You posted another "You all suck" message
 [ ] You posted a request for warez sites
 [ ] You posted a request for warez
 [ ] You posted a request for AOHell
 [ ] You posted a lame attempt at phishing
 [ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post and added a one line reply
 [ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post and didn't add any reply
 [ ] You posted with a subject that tells nothing about your message
 [ ] You posted a one or two line message that makes no sense
 [ ] You posted a blank message
 [ ] You asked if anyone on this newsgroup is more than X years old
 [ ] You started a long, stupid thread
 [ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
 [ ] You revived a long dead thread
 [ ] You posted an obvious troll
 [ ] You posted pretending to be someone you're not (See "troll" above)
 [ ] You posted using a forged header
 [ ] You e-mailed a reply to a message with a forged header
 [ ] You posted a stupid pyramid money making scheme
 [ ] You posted some other make money quick scam
 [ ] You posted in ElItE CaPiTaLs hoping everybody will think you're cool
 [ ] You posted basically the same thing multiple times
 [ ] You let your kid access your account, with disasterous results
 [ ] You posted flame bait

To Repent, You Must:

 [ ] Give up posting for a week       [ ] Post something that makes
                                          sense
 [ ] Give up masturbating for a week  [ ] Post a public apology
 [ ] Cancel your AOL account          [ ] Read the FAQ
 [ ] Learn about netiquette           [ ] Type FORMAT C: and press enter
 [ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
 [ ] Bust up your hard drive with a hammer and eat it
 [ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
 [ ] Park your car in your garage, get in, close the garage door,
     and let the engine hum you to sleep
 [ ] Go step in front of a cement truck
 [ ] Forward your post to your postmaster, perhaps he's interested
 [ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a week
 [ ] Only use your real name when you post from now on
 [ ] Go tell your mother/father/test tube they failed
 [ ] Age 10 more years before you post again
 [ ] All of the above
 [ ] Other ______________________________

In Closing, I'd Like to Say:

 [ ] Blow me                          [ ] F*ck you
 [ ] Go to hell                       [ ] Eat sh*t
 [ ] Shut the hell up from now on     [ ] I pity your dog
 [ ] Never post again                 [ ] Get a clue, you pathetic loser
 [ ] Take your bullsh*t somewhere else
 [ ] Learn to post or get the hell off Usenet
 [ ] Write your advertisement on a piece of paper, roll it up
     really tight, and cram it up your *ss
 [ ] All of the above

------------------------------ End of Form Flame ------------------------