🚀 go-pugleaf

My zine, The Last Word, deals with issues like these on a regular basis.
The "mainstream" media does its worst to lie and cover up the deeds of the
Nazis, but fortunately, we have The Last Word to tell the truth...

The Last Word (tm)

June 17, 1997
(73th issue)
Vol. 6, no. 11

Bathroom Bandit, editor-in-chief
Highland Heights, N.A.
bathroom@iglou.com
http://members.iglou.com/bathroom

DON'T BLAME ME--I WASN'T OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE IN 1980



MARYLAND: THE MODEL FASCIST STATE!

As illogical and invasive as Utah is, its public policies have never been
as tyrannical as Maryland has become just this spring.
	In April alone, the state of Maryland--which was also the first to
require involuntary servitude from high school students and to propose a
tax to punish Internet users--passed laws to:

	* Put hidden cameras at traffic lights to take secret photographs
of license plates of vehicles that run afoul of red lights.
	* Ban loud car radios on highways, even in rural areas.
	* Prohibit "minors" from purchasing butane lighters--supposedly so
they don't inhale the gas.
	* And more!

	Why should you care if a remote state like Maryland oppresses its
own citizens and not you? Because once one state enacts an oppressive
public policy, other states--cheered on by the media elite--will follow.
	Legislators often lend their support to politically correct
tyranny because it enables them to boast to the public that they are tough
on crime--even though listening to Go 106 too loud or buying a lighter for
the next Fourth of July bonfire are hardly what we call criminal behavior.
	Is Maryland tough on real crime? In a word, no. The state of
Maryland permits school principals to assault unruly first-graders by
striking them 10 times with a splintery board. If the Old Line State or
so-called Free State (what a joke!) was serious about crime, school
administrators who abuse children would find themselves behind bars.
	Inspired by Maryland's continuing slide into right-wing extremism,
the Clinton administration decided to do some oppression of its own. At
the present time, federal law withholds highway funds from states that
don't require motorists to wear seat belts. Clinton wants to take it a
step further and force states to make it a primary offense, which means
the police will be required to stop violators even if no other violation
is present. The insurance racket--the most ruthless dictators in the ranks
of Corporate America--is all for it.
	Maryland is now the continent's model fascist state. Sending
truant officers into homes at 5 AM to pull children out of bed, kidnap
them, and drive them downtown for their "service" assignment was bad
enough, but the situation has reached its level of intolerability. It is
only a matter of time before we grab the remote control they made us buy
and turn on the TV to see news footage of Maryland featuring 8-year-olds
outfitted from head to toe in a military uniform, saluting the picture of
Hitler on the classroom wall and standing at attention while the teacher
hands out a perfectly formed square of toilet paper in precise order as
the youngsters plunk down on the toilet seat in lockstep.
	That is, if the v-chip doesn't block it out.



COUNTY ATTORNEY STRIPS THE RIGHTS OF ALL

The county attorney's office in Campbell County is back to its old tricks,
closing down strip clubs again.
	The county filed an abatement lawsuit against one of the strip
joints, baselessly alleging that it was actually being used as a house of
prostitution. The suit followed storm-trooper raids by an FBI task force
against several Northern Kentucky strip clubs.
	The task force swiped business records during the attacks.
Included among the task force was the Northern Kentucky Drug Strike Force.
A brief expose of the county attorney's office proves how the Drug Strike
Force fits in with the overall climate of oppression that has persisted in
Campbell County.
	For years, the county attorney has been directly
responsible--whether by negligence or malice--of needless harassment
against local residents, including myself. In 1993, I visited the county
attorney's office to ensure that criminal charges were brung up against
neo-Nazis who had been attacking me as I walked to my classes at NKU. A
state law had just been passed to specifically penalize the style of
harassment I experienced at the hands of these monosyllabic thugs. In
addition, numerous laws were already in force to prohibit specific acts of
the right-wing terrorists.
	But the staff at the county attorney's office refused even to make
a formal record of what I had reported, let alone (horrors!) prosecute the
assailants.
	These bureaucrats think a harmless strip bar is more of a threat
to public safety than a mob of violent Nazis!
	The fact that the Drug Strike Task Force was involved is further
proof of the rank assininity and conspiratorial evil of the War on Drugs.
	We'd hate to break it to the county attorney and his staff, but
somebody's going to have to stand up to this outrageous charade. The
maniacal crusade for "community standards" over the past 15 years has been
thoroughly disastrous for Campbell County. How much longer can it go on
before somebody says "enough is enough"?



SINGAPORE'S CENSORSHIP LEADS THE INTERNET TO CRISIS!

A report released by Singaporean dissidents in February reveals that the
government of Singapore is in all likelihood responsible for blocking a
majority of message postings in Internet newsgroups from propagating.
	You may recall that over a year ago we reported that the brutal
right-wing dictatorship that rules this island nation has numerous front
accounts (as does Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps' hate cult in
Topeka, Kan.) on the Internet that it was using to mailbomb and humiliate
people around the world. Having "running dogs" on the Internet is
apparently not enough for Lee Kuan Yew's brigade, and so they use their
oppressive censorship policies that afflict government-controlled Internet
services to cut off postings as they make their way through the Internet.
	It appears that Singapore is not the only government jurisdiction
in the world that engages in this practice, but it is probably the largest
and most far-reaching.
	For those unacquainted with the Internet, a message posted on a
newsgroup is supposed to find its way to other Internet servers,
eventually showing up on all servers. This is known as "propagation". But
in this particular situation, most messages are being screened as they go
through Singapore servers and stopped dead in their tracks even if nothing
in the message offends. These messages therefore do not appear on any
servers except for ones that handle the message before it gets to
Singapore.
	Even if a message is posted by a person outside Singapore, and
even if the message has nothing to do with Singapore and is not posted on
Singapore-related newsgroups, the post has a good chance of being missed
by servers in the very same country or city that the post originated.
	Just two weeks ago, 4 months after the report was publicized, the
Internet was declared to be officially in crisis: Many servers were
missing 80% of newsgroup postings!
	The culprits for these acts of censorship are not as easy to catch
as those who simply cancel posts, or even as easy to track down as
political ranters who flood the newsgroups to flush others' posts away.
One cannot assume that the Singaporean government is responsible for all
lost messages, since propagation blocks cannot always be pinpointed
(although it has been proven without any doubt that Singapore has caused a
great deal of the absence of postings).
	The question is: Why?
	It is obvious that the propagation blocks are sheer harassment
that serves only to boost the regime's perception of itself--much like a
schoolyard bully picking on classmates. Unless it is halted, this game
will lead to the destruction of the Internet newsgroups--a medium
previously thought to be undestroyable--within months. This censorship,
which is also a violation of all other nations' sovereignty, fits into the
mold of "non-lethal warfare" discussed in a "60 Minutes" segment not long
ago.
	It is unfortunate that Singapore chooses to declare war on the
rest of the world just because most nations refuse to adopt its tyrannical
ways. Maybe it is time for free countries to respond accordingly.



LEAVE IT TO THE CINCINNATI POST TO BASH THE COUNTRY THAT LETS IT PRINT
WHAT IT WANTS

Summer is always the time of year for the Cincinnati Post's most vitriolic
America-bashing. This year, the Post has gotten a head start on dishing
out its lethal dose of subversive hate speech.
	On June 4, the GOP-coddling daily ran its annual editorial
demanding a complete ban on fireworks. The scumbag rag's justification for
such legislation is last year's fatal explosion at a fireworks stand,
which occurred when a small gang of troublemakers encouraged a
brain-damaged man to light an entire pack of firecrackers right there in
the store. A bill has been introduced in Ohio containing very reasonable
provisions to impose tougher safety regulations for retail fireworks
stands. But guess what? The Post is apparently against public safety and
lambasted the bill because it doesn't completely outlaw fireworks.
	It doesn't take a genius to see that outlawing fireworks will lead
to people making their own explosives and the development of an illegal
fireworks racket run by organized crime interests. That would be no less
tragic than having no fire safety regulations for fireworks stands.
	The editorial sheds tears over the fact that "patriotic Americans
are going to buy fireworks somewhere, no matter what." Awwwww, poor
Cincinnati Post! Did those big, mean patriotic Americans frighten the
widdle Posty-poo?
	Just a couple weeks earlier, the newspaper's Northern Kentucky
bureau, the Kentucky Post, opined in an editorial supporting the
storm-trooper raids of strip clubs that Northern Kentucky should "draw a
line and demonstrate the community's intolerance." What kind of newspaper
promotes intolerance?
	Instead of whining about how terrible the American tradition of
democracy, freedom, and equality supposedly is, The Post should feel lucky
that the First Amendment has allowed it to print its bogus appeals without
having to worry about government censorship.



IS IT TEXAS OR IS IT IRAN?

Amnesty International says Texas is executing criminals so fast that its
execution rate is nearly as high as Iran, Iraq, and Saudi Arabia.
	It was reported in late May that 8 executions were held in Texas
in May alone and that 10 state-managed killings were scheduled for June.
This comes at the same time that Kentucky is just getting around to
preparing its first execution in 35 years.
	An Amnesty International report says, "Only a few countries,
including Iran, Iraq and Saudi Arabia, execute 6 or more persons every
month." Only China conducts a much larger number of executions than those
3 non-democracies and Texas.
	A bill was recently introduced (by a Republican, believe it or
not) to abolish the death penalty in Kentucky. A recent poll showed that
most residents of the Greengrass State actually oppose the death penalty
as long as a sentence of life in prison without parole is imposed in its
place. So why is it so hard for other states to avoid racking up execution
rates that compete with the world's vilest dictatorships?



ANOTHER BIG SHOCK FOR HUMAN RIGHTS ACTIVISTS

The state of Wisconsin has attracted criticism from Amnesty International
and other human rights organizations for becoming the first U.S. state to
equip prison guards overseeing chain gangs with stun belts that transmit
8-second bursts of 50,000 volts of electricity to keep inmates in line.
	So this is what America has stooped to: giving powerful electric
shocks to prisoners on chain gangs.
	What's next? Building an Invisible Fence around school buildings
and making kids wear a collar that shocks them when they cross the fence?
Oops, let's not give anybody any ideas.



DAILY FUZZ

MAY 30
	* A junior high school called the cops because of a fight.
	* Guys sold drugs behind a barbershop.
	* Group of kids broke the mirrors off Metro buses with sticks as
the buses drove by.

JUNE 1
	* Group of juveniles was reported crossing the Suspension Bridge
in golf carts.

JUNE 9
	* Man walked out of Longhorn Steakhouse without paying for his
meal. ("They got animal heads on the wall, starin' back at you...")
	* Juveniles "playing on the phone" made a prank 911 call from
Frisch's.
	* Group of kids kept smashing beer bottles in a church parking
lot.
	* A recreational bonfire! Waaaaah, that's a capital offense!

JUNE 10
	* Shortly after midnight, a wild party that allegedly involved
"under-age" drinking grew out of control and participants urinated in the
parking lot of an apartment complex.
	* Somebody set the phone books at a phone booth on fire.
	* Report of kids playing baseball in a cemetery.



SAVE A BUCK--TAX THE RICH!

Imagine what a wealth tax could do!
	Suppose a 5% tax was imposed on the wealthiest 10% if Americans,
who control at least 80% of the wealth. Five percent is by no means asking
too much, especially since those who would pay the 5% are so immersed in
lavish riches. But such a tax would bring in $1,000,000,000,000 (one
trillion dollars) each year.
	We can house all of the nation's homeless for $560 billion, and we
would still have $440 billion remaining. The remaining sum could be used
to pay off the national debt within 12 years, or it can be spent on other
programs:

Environment	$120,000,000,000
Health care	100,000,000,000
Education	100,000,000,000
Welfare	70,000,000,000
Job training	50,000,000,000

	Before any "soak-the-poor" advocates who might be reading this go
off half-cocked, it is instructive to note that the top 1% of households
control 40% of the wealth. Each has an annual household income of more
than $2,350,000. Two million dollars in a 30-year U.S. bond sprouts an
annual interest of $140,000. Contrast this with the median family income,
a mere $35,000 a year.
	So the richest 1% of Americans can--with no work whatsoever--make
at least 4 times what you earn for breaking your back 70 hours a week!!!
That's the Republicans' idea of "fair".
	But is it truly "fair" to have a 17% national sales tax (which the
Greedy Old Party is increasingly in favor of) while not having any wealth
tax whatsoever?



ANTI-FIREWORKS CRYBABIES

We contend that the very lowest caliber of whining tattle-tales is made up
of those who call the cops because somebody in the neighborhood dares to
set off fireworks.
	These crybabies are in the same category as moralistic busybeaks
who try to shut down bookstores that carry Playboy. They chip away at our
personal freedom.
	A good 50% of local police runs in the warmer months are in
response to fireworks complaints. At an era in which violent crime and
telephone harassment are at an all-time high, some folks actually feel
that the police should be notified when someone lights a sparkler!
	How many dangerous criminals go free each day because of the
whinery of a few nosy snitches?
	Unless the fireworks are being aimed at people, animals, or
property or are being used in some other obviously treacherous manner, the
spoilsports need to learn to mind their own beeswax. Maybe there should be
some legislation to fine those who waste police resources making frivolous
fireworks complaints.



Number of harassing phone calls received at The Last Word in May: 24



ZINE REVIEW: THE LAST WERD

Few zines in the course of history have been influential enough to inspire
a cheap rip-off or a bombastic parody. But we at The Last Word have
managed to do both in only 6 months.
	William Mullin's now-legendary tripe, a sleazy fraud so snugly
ensconced in malice and utter uselessness that it doesn't even qualify as
a parody, comprises the former, being the text equivalent of jamming out
your local TV station to show close-up pictures of people rubbing feces on
each other's eyeglasses. The latter takes the form of what is known as The
Last Werd.
	The Last Werd (http://www.unm.edu/~bondl/LastWerd.htm) is a
mishmash of nonsense that attempts to ridicule The Last Word on any flimsy
basis its author can dredge up. It would be much funnier if wasn't a
mockery of a serious job.
	The satire builds on numerous distinct traits of The Last Word,
most notably our struggles against adversaries who we have quite suitably
characterized as Nazis. The Last Werd runs down our principled
anti-fascism, asserting that "maybe you're a nazi or something" if you
choose not to read it.
	The articles in this preposterous spoof are based on those that
appeared in the previous issue of The Last Word. For example, we find such
headlines as "Congress Hates Me Because I'm From Another Planet" and "Yet
More Barnyard Stupidity!" Even the piece on year-round school lampoons a
headline from a "mainstream" newspaper: "According to a Cincinnati Post
editorial on May 7 headlined 'Giving students the swift kick in their
pampered fat asses they deserve', year-round school receives its share of
civilized support." This is perhaps the most comical line in The Last
Werd, evoking thoughts of opening the daily paper to the editorial
page--in the case of the Post, the editorial page begins on the front
page--and finding those words emblazoned across the top of an article in
large Helvetica typeface.
	The reader of The Last Werd is also confronted with tired booger
and fart jokes plus a silly anti-high-tech gag ("STOP STEREO
RECORDINGS!").
	If you're looking for immature ramblings of someone who has
nothing better to do with themselves, read The Last Werd. If you want
intelligent, hard-hitting commentary, look elsewhere.



(This is a parody...)

	The Cincinnati Boast

SCRIPPS BLOWHARD	Editor	Managing Editor
	Paul, John, George & Ringo	The Bread Spread from Kraft!
"Give light
and CG & E	Editorial Page Editor	Assistant Managing Editor
will shut the	Robot White	Mike Philipps 66
power off"

123 Sesame Street, Skeezewockerville, Antarctica 90210 (513)EAT-SHIT
Wednesday, June 4, 1492

Editorials

Giving students the swift kick in their pampered fat asses they deserve

Last July 3 Ross Perot noticed that our lighthouse logo looks like a
phallus. Ohio does not tax food. That's the reason the liberal whiners in
the House of Representatives are trying to have Ohio's sales tax on food
repealed. This is more proof of how labor unions are for commies and why
we should stop selling dictionaries to minors.
	The most effective way to promote dictionary safety is to ban
dictionaries altogether. Thousands of lives are lost every year by
improper disposal of dictionaries. Dictionaries cost the taxpayers
millions each year. The state legislature should do its part by allocating
$6 billion for vouchers to give parents the choice to which juvenile
detention facility their kids go to when they get convicted of clogging
storm sewers with tennis balls and causing rain water to back up into the
city swimming pools and washing away the innocence of childhood.
	We can call our wonderful house speaker "the $6 billion man" for
his good grace in dealing with the liberals' insistence that he obey the
laws that he expects everyone else to follow by paying that $20 fine that
an overzealous EPA slapped him with just for dumping barium chromide in
the reservoir.
	It just makes sense to have year-round school not just here but in
all schools. Parents will whine that summer vacation is being stolen, as
if they are being oppressed, but so what? Think we give a damn? We're a
newspaper, why should we? Too bad about the inconvenience. A year-round
skool calander learns kids good spelling and grammer. Lawmakers are
dragging their feet by failing to pass a bill to require mandatory
sterilization of parents who don't wish to comply with the bold new
year-round school plan.
	Support for requiring every person to wear a bonnet on Sundays is
at an all-time high and differs very little across racial and
socioeconomic lines. Therefore, people who don't support it are
un-American and are foes of society.
	Perhaps our lawmakers can amend such a provision to a very sound
bill to impose a 64% sales tax to keep the Reds and Bengals in town by
buying them a fancy new stadium. Without a stadium, our children's lives
will be utterly ruined. Plus, a sales tax is an excellent tool for
bringing about behavior modification for those who waste money on such
frivolous expenses as food.



THE MOGAS AIRPORT

A few years ago, I had one of those green airport guides from the FAA and
U.S. Department of Commerce used by pilots, listing detailed
specifications of every airport in Kentucky, Tennessee, and the Virgin
Islands, too. (Why is Kentucky in the same region as the Virgin
Islands???) These booklets were comical indeed, with many entries
containing additional comments such as, "Minimum security prison 3/4 mile
SW of arpt, maintain TPA on left downwind and base leg of Rwy 36." Or,
"Birds on and in vicinity of arpt." (As if there are no birds elsewhere.)
There were even 5 or 6 pages at the end of the book that were completely
blank except for the words "INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK".
	The highlight of each entry was the part marked FUEL. It told what
kind of FUEL (if any) was available at each airport. Airplane fuel came in
many shapes and sizes, each of them represented by a code in the official
airport directory.
	The funniest airport was the one in Georgetown. The Georgetown
Airport had a measly gravel runway, which the manual warned was usually
blocked by dead trees, animal carcasses, and other debris. More
importantly, the only type of fuel found there was the kind that was coded
MOGAS--automobile gasoline!
	I envisioned the airport as looking something like an abandoned
miniature golf course or baseball field with a 30-foot strip of gravel
being used as a runway by an old Orville and Wilbur Wright plane. The
control tower was some person sitting on a park bench with a
walkie-talkie. I imagined the pilot driving the plane up to a '70s-style
Sunoco or Chevron gas pump resting alongside the runway covered with
grease and grime, refilling the airplane's tank, and flying away.
	I began calling it the Mogas Airport.
	It would seem that putting automobile gasoline in an plane would
be like putting airplane fuel in a car. You might as well just use
molasses!
	Around the same time, I heard of somebody flying to Pikeville one
night and discovering a gang of teenagers smashing all the lights at the
airport.
	The airport directories are good for only two months before pilots
must steal a new edition and stop using the old one. According to legend,
pilots hand in old directories rather than hoarding them. When they turn
the books in, the airport people tear the covers off with a pair of
pliers. So on the day the new books come out, the airport probably ends up
with an entire room full of green covers with outlines of states on them.
	Sectional flight maps are also in style for only a few months. The
maps are bold and colorful like the USGS 7.5-minute topographic maps.
	I frequently fantasize about building a small airplane out of a
Green Machine or ATV Explorer and soaring above the neighborhood, crashing
through freeway guide signs and lopping roofs off of houses. Years ago, I
used to draw cockpits for such vehicles on paper grocery bags. (Why do
they call it a "cockpit" anyway?) Each of my designs had a nice little
AM/FM radio and other luxurious features.
	Maybe I'll land my ATV Explorer at the Mogas Airport. As long as
the Getty Grouch isn't working there!



(copyright 1997 by The Last Word)

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