🚀 go-pugleaf

Clifton T. Sharp, Jr. wrote:
> 
> Mary Szterpakiewicz wrote:
> > GETTING MARRIED?
> 
> My wife wouldn't like it. But since you're busy spamming marriage info,
> what does a Polack give his wife on their wedding day that's long and
> hard?
> 
> --
> +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
> |  Cliff Sharp  | 1on1@infiserver.infinet-is.com is an address I saw today. |
> |    WA9PDM     |                                                           |
> +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+


SCENE: The camera switches back to our two hosts of the late night
infomercial,
Larry and Harry, promoting the Clueless Bigot 2000(tm) from Scumbag
Enterprises.

Larry: But that was not very insulting.

Harry: Au contraire, this post successfully insulted 10 percent of
Chicago area population, and also insulted the Feminists who don't
believe that a wife should
take a husband's last name when they marry.

Larry: Ah.  

Harry: But that was just setting one!  That's not all you get with our
model.

Larry: Really?  What else do we get?

Harry: Well, setting two will cause our model to make jokes about
Hispanics and Women.

Larry: Now waitaminute, waitaminute.  How can our model get away with
such filth?

Harry: Watch this.  {presses a button on his remote control}

Clueless Bigot 2000(tm) : But I'm only cracking a joke!! Geesh! Lighten
up!  Get a sense of humor!!

Larry:  How ingenious.  Using ad hominem attacks to bolster an
unsupported bigotry!

Harry: But wait.  Watch this one. {presses another button on his remote
control}

Clueless Bigot 2000(tm) : I was just trying to flame a spammer!  Honest!
I didn't mean to insult an ethnic group! I was just trying to insult the
spammer!

Larry: Wow!  Hiding behind the Anti-Spam bandwagon.  But he could have
easily flamed the spammer in private, instead of doing this in public.

Harry: If we included brain cells, then our model would lose efficiency.
We try to 
set a balance between intelligence and bigotry in our model. We do have
some bugs to work out, but we do offer FREE UPGRADES to our newer
model!  

Larry:  Free upgrades! Lack of intelligence! What a value!

Harry: But wait.  How much do you expect to pay for such a great
product?  $49.99? $59.99?

Larry: How much!

Harry: I'm not answering that yet.  You get MUCH more!

Larry: Really?  Like what?

Harry: Setting five will cause our model to start using the "n" word

Larry: Ah. Like our famous Mark Fuhrman model.

Harry: Precisely!  But our Clueless Bigot 2000 (tm) is much more.

Larry: C'mon Harry, its not possible to go further with this technology.

Harry: Wrong! Setting 10 will cause this model to go out and actually
burn crosses!

Larry: Incredible.  But wait, how can he get away with that?

Harry: We throw in extra scummy lawyers to defend him. {presses button
on a console and 
the curtains on the right side flow aside to show a team of high priced
lawyers}

Larry: Ah, those are the law firm of Dewey, Cheetham and Howe.

Lawyer #11: DISCLAIMER: May contain small parts (like the brain). Not
suitable for small children.

Lawyer #2: Void where prohibited, taxed, or where not politically
correct.

Lawyer #3: Burning crosses may violate your local zoning or building
ordinances.  Please obtain a variance before using our product.

Lawyer #4: First amendment! First amendment!

Lawyer #1: May cause people to flame you, and may harm your reputation.

Harry: Now how much do you expect to pay for such a high quality
product?

Larry: $79.99? $99.99?

Harry: But wait!  Setting 15 will cause our model to get violent against
minority groups.

Lawyer #1: May cause intentional harm.  We are not responsible.  We are
not responsible. Nyaa Nyaa.

{Harry shoots the lawyer a dirty look}

Larry: What more can it do?

Harry: Well, this guy will lead your local KKK or Neo Nazi group at
setting 15.

Lawyer #3: Please obtain a permit before doing any mass demonstrations.

Larry: How, how ambitious for a piece of technology! :)

Harry: Now how much do you expect to pay?

Larry: I'm on pins and needles. HOW MUCH???

Harry: Only $19.95!  All this hatred and bigotry for such a low price!

Larry: Incredible!  

Harry: But wait! If you call now, you'll get FREE gifts!

Larry: What kind?

Harry: A free membership in your local Klu Klux Clan! {Camera shows a
bunch of sheet-heads burning a cross} A free Nazi Poster! {Camera shows
a Nazi swastika}  

Larry: Wow!

Harry: So what do you think, Larry?

Larry: This must be the bargain of the century!

Harry: Just call us at 1 (800) SCUMBAG.  We have many convenient
locations, like City Hall, your local KKK hangout, under a rock...

{While Harry is talking, the room grows darker, as a shadow appears in
the middle of the set and gets larger as the seconds pass.  Larry
notices the shadow, looks up and starts to panic}

Larry:  Harry....

Harry:  Larry, that's not in the script...

Larry: {points up and in a voice of panic} LOOK!!!!!  ARRRGGHHH!!

{Everybody looks up just in time for a Giant Anvil (tm) falls down on
top of the set, squishing all the people involved}

SCENE: A few hours later. The former studio is cordoned off and cops are
all over the
place, investigating. A cop stumbles on the remains of the Clueless
Bigot 2000 (tm)
and picks up the head as it mumbles something incoherently:

Head: But I'm <ZZZ> cracking a <ZZZT> joke!! <shhhhhhhhhhhhhh> Lighten
<ZZZ>  Get a sense of <ZZZ> <shhhhhhhhhhhh>  just flaming a <shhh>
<ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ>

Cop: {mumbling} Aww shaddap!

{The cop puts the head in a box marked "evidence" and closes it.  The
amount of noise the head is generating is decreased to zero, since the
box is soundproof}

{Camera switches to two detectives talking at a different part of the
crime scene}

Detective #1: Incredible, a giant anvil.  

Detective #2: I've seen this before, in cartoons, but I'd never thought
I'd see it in person {taps the giant anvil very gently with his pen, and
it disintegrates into dust.}

Detective #1: I think I need a vacation.

Detective #2: Me too.  

{Camera fades out}