🚀 go-pugleaf

In a completely novel and unprecedented move, the federal government, in an
effort to combat the dangers of drug abuse have proposed legislation which
actually makes it illegal to aid and abet illicit drug use.    Though, by
most estimates, psychoactive substances have been both used and abused for
longer than recorded history, efforts at combating this pressing problem
have traditionally ranged from hoping it would stop, to hoping really hard
it would stop.  "10-years ago when we contracted a Lakota Medicine-Man to
ask the Great-Spirit to stop the incidents of kids taking LSD, thinking they
were potato chips, and falling over dead when someone touched and broke
them, we had high hopes that this would end the problem once and for all.
But when we found out that the 'sacred smoking blend' used by the Medicine
Man contained several psychoactive chemicals itself, we realized that many
of our efforts only served to make the problem worse," said a member of the
Office of National Drug Control Policy.  "It was really very disheartening,
but we all knew it was definitely time to rethink our strategy."

Senate Bill 2633, which is also known as the "Reducing Americans
Vulnerability to Ecstasy act" (RAVE act), would fine people who promote
"Rave" parties if drugs are used there.  While the fine of $250,000 may seem
fairly stiff for this activity, some Senator's even suggested actually
making drug use, and distribution a jailable offense.  The sponsors of this
bill defended this unorthodox move by citing the example of the wildly
successful gun control laws.  After the tragedy at Columbine, the Senate
unanimously voted to cast a +2 Spell of Binding to prevent troubled teens
from acting out their violent fantasies.  Despite the fact that the
nation's best enchanters worked night and day on this effort, gun violence
continued.  It was only after a law was passed making it a crime for
troubled teens to buy firearms for the purpose of shooting their classmates,
that acts of gun violence were completely eliminated.  The prevailing
sentiment in congress seems to be that if making gun violence a crime worked
so well on the school shooting problem, it could certainly be applied to the
problem of drug abuse.

Sen. Joseph Byeden, D-Del, the sponsor of SB 2633, describes his inspiration
for his radical departure from the norm.  "I just woke up one morning and it
hit my like a ton of bricks.  Why not pass a law *against* drug users, and
enablers?  It seemed crazy at the time, but my reasoning was that if there
was a law against drugs, then no one could use them.  When we decided to
make
it illegal for teens to buy guns to use on their classmates, we weren't too
sure of ourselves there either.  But I think the elegance of that solution
speaks for itself.  A teen endeavoring to go buy a gun and shoot his
classmates with it, is confronted with the fact that it's illegal to do so.
If it's illegal for them to buy a gun to shoot their classmates with, how
can they possibly carry out their dark fantasies?  With spit-wads?  I don't
think so."

Not to be outmaneuvered in the battle against all things bad, the Republican
party introduced some "criminalization" legislation of their own.  House
Majority leader Richard Navy, R-TX, has proposed an outright ban on flying
airplanes into buildings, robbing banks, and abducting children.  "These
things are bad, we've all known it for a long time.  But obviously putting a
sign up on the side of our buildings asking people to please not run
airplanes into them hasn't worked.  As the legislative leaders of this
country we need to send a strong message to the country, that we are very
definitely anti-bank robbery, child abduction and flying airplanes into
buildings.  Now that we have hit upon the elusive formula for making sure
that none of these things ever happens again, the Republican party is fully
dedicated to doing so."

Navy went on to say that if this new approach proves as successful as
anticipated, Republicans plan to introduce bills outlawing tornadoes,
hurricanes, earthquakes, boy bands, and other natural disasters.

Jeremy Harmon