🚀 go-pugleaf

  The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you
understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special
phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or
academic paper.

  "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.

  "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically
   meaningless.

  "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE
   ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but
   I still hope to get it published.

  "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other
   results didn't make any sense.

  "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

  "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I
   might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

  "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once

  "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice

  "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice

  "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.

  "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.

  "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.

  "ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.

  "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
   OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.

  "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes
   were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

  "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
   BEFORE A COMPLETE  UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON
   OCCURS"... I don't understand it

  "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't
   understand it either.

  "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO
CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms.
Adams explained to me what it meant.

  "A HIGHLY SIGNIICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
   A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

  "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
   INVESTIGATION IN THIS  FIELD"... I quit.


------------

	THIS IS FROM AN ACTUAL TRIAL IN THE UK.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she
noticed a young man smiling at her and she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had
him arrested for molesting her. Then the case came before the court, the
young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the
lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat
under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then
she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniment to remove Swelling".  I
was even more amused when she sat under the shaving advertisement which
read "William's Stick Did the Trick". Then I could not control myself any
longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read
"Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident".



THE CASE WAS DISMISSED> >> >
 


------------


An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the
sunrise.  .  He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big
under arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll
of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says
"Gonna catch me some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't
catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes
walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the
chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees
the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man
yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck
tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch
me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks
with duck tape." Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around
sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is
trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks
caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a
bunch of long reeds with something fuzzy on the ends. Old man says "Hey
boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "Pussy Willows". Old man says "Wait
up.... I'll get my hat."

-----------------

	 THE TRIP TO ROME

	A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned
the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there?  
It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  
So, how are you getting there?"

	We're taking TWA," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"

	"TWA!" exclaimed the barber.  "That's a terrible airline.  Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

	"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

	"That dump!  That's the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small,
the service is surly and they're overpriced.  So, whatcha doing when you
get there?"

	"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
Pope."

	"That's rich," laughed the barber.  "You and a million other
people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck
on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it!"

	A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.  
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

	"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time
in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us
up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful
28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel!
Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and
now it's the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so
they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

	"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the
pope."

	"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to
meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough,
five minutes later, the pope walked in as I knelt down as he spoke a few
words to me."

	"What'd he say?"

	He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

-------------


	Ponderables...

** Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

** I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

** I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

** Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

** Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window.

** Haver you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

** I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.

**The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

** I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
 because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive,
but I only have photographs of her.

_______

	The Blond And The Ventriliquist.

	A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain
at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid
blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde
jokes, creep. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What
does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ...  
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes
up, "You stay out of this, Mister, I'm talking to that little 'Jerk' on
your knee!"



----------

	A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second half of his round-trip ticket.  If he could just get to the airport
he could get himself home.  So he went out to the front of the casino
where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to
the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him
his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc.,
but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get
the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to
the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the
businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success,
returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about
himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to
the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the very end of a long
line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he
was down on his luck.  The businessman thought for a moment about how he
could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The
businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the
airport," he asked?  "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.  "And how much for
you to give me sexual favors on the way?" "What?!  Get the hell out of my
cab!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old
friend at the back of the long line, he got in and asked, "How much for a
ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman
said, "Okay" and off they went. As they slowly drove past the long line of
cabs, the business man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

------------------


THAT DIRTY BIRD

A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off
at work and the children were in school.
After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It
wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting
to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive.
One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully colored parrot
and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird.  The owner said
he let it go for $50.  Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't
more expensive,she agreed to buy it. Before accepting her money, the owner
said, "I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse.
Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff."
The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she
decided to buy it anyway. When she got home she placed the bird's cage in
her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird
studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, "New
house, new madam."  The woman was a little taken at the implication of what
she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really
all that bad. When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird
looked them over and said,"New house, new madam, new whores!" After their
initial surprise was over, the girls joined theirmother in laughter.
Shortly after 5PM the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new
madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi Sam!"


-------------


	Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for
 dinner.

	"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.

	"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"

	"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

	After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank,
honey!"

	"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

	"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank
that my car just pulled up outside the house."

	"Okay, Daddy!"

	A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

	"And what happened?"

	"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and
now she's all dead."

	"Oh my god! And what about Uncle Frank?"

	"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have
forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit
the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."

	There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this
555-7039?"


	Jesus and the Redneck

 The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in
and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled
himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.  The Irishman
looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"  The bartender
nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also. The
next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of
movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down
there.

	The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of
Chianti, also.

	The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on
the floor and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's
Boy down there?"  The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give
Jesus a cold one, too.

	As Jesus got up to leave, He walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman
felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to
the door.

	Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are
healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands
above his head and did a flip out the door.

	As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and
exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"


--------------

	Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

Accept this sacrifice, Oh Great Lord of Darkness

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thing-a-ma-jiggy.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Doggone, there go the lights again...

You know, there's big money in kidneys. Come on, he's got two…

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

What's this doing here?

That's great! Now make his leg twitch!

I wish I had my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough.

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the brain and place it in the body of the ape.

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!



-------------



	Got a letter from Grandma the other day.  She writes: The other
day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love
Jesus" bumper sticker.  I was feeling particularly sassy that day because
I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my
bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did!  What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is.  I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed!  I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD!  
GO!  GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus! Everyone started honking!  I just leaned out of my window and
started waving and smiling at all these loving people.  I even honked my
horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from
Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny
beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air.  Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back
seat what that meant.  He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something.  Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned
out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.  My grandson burst
out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A
couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted
to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the
light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning,
and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that
got through the intersection before the light changed again.  I felt kind
of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I
slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma


------------



	The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the
University of Concordia:

	"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

	One student replied:

	"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then
lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The
length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the
height of the building."

	This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student
was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his
answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an
independent arbiter to decide the case.

	The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not
display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it
was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to
provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with
the basic principles of physics.

	For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in
thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which
the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but
couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the
student replied as follows:

	"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the
skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to
reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from
the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

	"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the
barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then
you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a
simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the
skyscraper."

	"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a
short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum,
first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height
is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =
2 pi sqrroot (l / g)."

	"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would
be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in
barometer lengths, then add them up."

	"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course,
you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of
the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in
millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

	"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise
independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best
way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would
like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the
height of this skyscraper'."

	The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize
for Physics.

	(Urban legend of course, but this is a Joke...)


------------------

	The Mayor of Wiarton runs into the vet's office carrying Wiarton
Willie, screaming for help.

	The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put the
gopher down on the examination table. 

	The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells
the Mayor that Willie, regrettably is dead.

	The Mayor, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a
second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a
Black Labrador. 

	The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally
looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the Mayor and says, "I'm
sorry, but the Lab thinks Willie is dead too."

	The Mayor is still unwilling to accept that Willie is dead. So the
vet brings in a Siamese cat and puts the cat down next to the gopher's
body.

	 The Siamese sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and
sniffing the gopher's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The
vet looks at The Mayor and says, "I'm sorry, but the Siamese thinks that
Willie is dead, too."

	The Mayor, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.00."

	"$650.00 to tell me that Wiarton Willie is dead?!" exclaims the
Mayor.

	"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50.00 for
my initial diagnosis. The additional $600.00 was for the Cat Scan and the
Lab Tests."

---------------

DOG PROVERBS

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." 
-- Gene Hill 

"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown 

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the 
car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at 
nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry 

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his 
water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser 

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." -- Danish 
Proverb 

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or 
fight its enemies is lunch." -- Michael Friedman 

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of 
dogs." -- Aldous Huxley 

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around 
three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley 

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 
that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy 

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all 
night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- Unknown 

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and 
give the wrong answers." -- Unknown 

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the 
guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg 

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless 
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- 
Fran Lebowitz 

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back 
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half 
cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne 
Tyler 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird 
religious cult." -- Rita Rudner 

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents 
a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein 


"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

	APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

	Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and
current medical report from your physician.

	1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy
scout rank?

	2. Do you have one male and one female parent?  ____
	If "No", explain:

	3. Do you own or have access to a van?  ____
	4. A truck with oversize tires?  ____
	5. waterbed?  ____

	6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____

	7. Do you have a tattoo? ____

	*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application
and leave immediately.*

	8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

	9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean
to you?

	10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

	11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?

	12. Temple you attend: ____________________________

	13. How often do you attend: ____________________________

	14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father
and rabbi? ____________________________

	15. Please fill in the blanks:
	If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded
would be my ____________________________

	If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my
____________________________

	A woman's place is in the ____________________________

	The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is
____________________________ 
	
	When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first
is ____________________________

	*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A",
discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a
serpentine fashion is advised*

	What do you want to be IF you grow up?

	I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of
my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture
or mental abuse.

	Signature of applicant _________________________________
	Signature of father ____________________________________
	Signature of mother ____________________________________
	Signature of rabbi _____________________________________
	Signature of State Representative ______________________

	Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted
in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call
me, I'll call you.


--------------------------------------
The life of an egg
If you think life is bad...How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten one.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share a box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all.......
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad!!!
Pass this around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,
I mean day!!!!

-------------

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After 
looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told 
the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog for $50."
"That's a lot for a frog," the woman replied.  "This one is special," the 
clerk said.  "It gives blowjobs."

Since the woman did not relish the act, she thought it might be a great 
idea, and bought the frog.  When she explained froggy's ability to her 
husband, he was extremely sceptical, but said he'd give it a try.

The woman went to bed happy, knowing she'd never need to perform a less than 
riveting act.  In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of 
pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing 
sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the 
Frog reading her cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?," she asked. The husband replied, "If 
I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta
here."
________________________________________________________________________

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going 
on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called 
one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth
for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is 
good.

Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a second 
angel; to get another point of view. So God called another angel; and sent 
her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and 
told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good 
and He wanted to encourage them, to give them a little something to help 
them keep going.






Do you know what that E-mail said?










You didn't get one either, huh?

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This is a genderised dictionary


THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
male : The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male : A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male : Playing cricket without a box.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male : Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
       with the lads.

BUM (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
        look bigger.
male : The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male : Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
       girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male : Sex

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male : An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
       bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male : What women do while the man is shagging.


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The mind of a six year old is wonderful. True story.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little 
Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to 
accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what 
do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy Shit! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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-- 
		Just Thought I Should Mention It