🚀 go-pugleaf

The Happiest Place on Earth!

As your children roam through a magical wonderland of fun and 
adventure, they're often greeted by their favorite Disney 
characters - characters that are recognized and beloved the 
world over for having netted the Disney Corporation millions in 
merchandising and copyright revenue, but mostly for being 
totally wuvvable and huggable ($5 per hug, limit four per 
customer).

Not So Happy:

Just don't hug any actual animals you see, or you'll end up 
going full-zombie on your family and being sent into a gibbering 
panic at the sight of drinking fountains... on account of the 
rabies.

See, Disneyland has a secret army of filthy and diseased stray 
cats that roam the park grounds every night. It all started in 
the early years of Disneyland when ride operators found 
themselves sweeping mice out of the attractions and restaurants 
by the plague-full (isn't that a pleasant idea?). The mouse 
problem went away when someone suggested letting around 50 cats 
loose to hunt down the remaining mice, who may or may not have 
sung beautifully orchestrated songs about hope and enchantment 
while being devoured.

Unfortunately, when you give a stray species a warm place to 
sleep at night, an endless food supply and free roam of a place 
with giant fences to keep out potential predators, they tend to 
stick around. And that's just what the cats did.

Judging by their track record of remarkable foresight, Disney 
park officials are probably already implementing a stray dog 
strategy to hunt down the remaining cats, then a cougar strategy 
to counter the inexplicably rising dog problem, and so on until 
they'll have to change Disneyland's nickname to "the Grizzly 
Beariest place on Earth (And Also Some Wolves)."

#2. The Yippie Invasion

The Happiest Place on Earth!

Disneyland's Tom Sawyer Island! An exciting land of adventure! 
See th- Wait, they removed that. OK then, ride- Oh, there are no 
rides. Well, you can dine in th- No restaurants? Seriously? All 
right, there are absolutely no reasons to visit Tom Sawyer 
Island.

Like everything else that's wrong with anything, you can blame 
this one on the hippies--back when they invaded the island in 
the 70s.

Not So Happy:

On the 6th of August, 1970, about 300 members of the Young 
International Party (Yippies) descended upon Disneyland to 
protest against stuff and junk or whatever (we literally could 
not give a shit long enough to look up the explanation).

After taking over Castle Rock, the hippies hoisted the Viet Cong 
flag, marched down Main Street USA and harassed the marching 
band while sarcastically singing the theme to the Mickey Mouse 
Club. In response to this minor annoyance, Disneyland did what 
any sane, rational company would do in these circumstances: Call 
in the fucking riot cops.


Fights broke out between the Yippies and the police--one 
eyewitness account describes a girl with her "head split open, 
blood dripping all over her face"--as children everywhere were 
mentally scarred for life at the sight of Mickey Mouse passively 
watching an intense and violent beating... and then possibly 
physically scarred for life because their colorful T-shirt was 
just a little too close to tye-dye.

It got so bad that, for the first time in park history, 
Disneyland closed the gates early. Despite the horror, the 
tragedy and the violence, that day is still remembered in 
history as the most fun anybody ever had on Tom Sawyer Island.

#1. Gay Days

The Happiest Place on Earth!

Truly, Disney is a gay playground. Full of lightness and whimsy, 
staffed by cartoon animals, soundtrack by the laughter of 
children--can there be any place more joyous and gay 
and...what's that? Oh, you meant gay in the homosexual sense?

OK, hey, that's great too: Disneyland is about fun in its purest 
and simplest form, so of course it welcomes all comers.

Attendees can gather as equals and... what's that again? There's 
a bunch of horrible discrimination and protests and even 
frequent death threats?

Not So Happy:

Gay Days is a week or so out of the year where the homosexual 
community comes together as a group at the Disneyland theme 
park. It's not sponsored by Disney or anything, they just gather 
there because no matter who you like to hump, everybody likes 
roller coasters.

This is all anything but surprising. Quite frankly, if anybody 
is out of place at Disneyland, it's heterosexual adults.

Somewhere between mincing about in the Enchanted Castle and 
doing the Running Man with a cartoon duck, you just lose the 
ability to be butch about anything. If there's anywhere 
homophobes have to concede to the presence of homosexuals, it's 
Disneyland.

But unfortunately, that is not the case.

Disney steadfastly refuses to acknowledge that Gay Days is a 
thing (despite tens of thousands of participants), but that 
doesn't stop them from being the target of mass protest, veiled 
threats and sometimes even implied violence by the religious 
right (for... failing to stop it, we guess?).

The American Family Association sends "undercover photographers" 
to every Gay Days celebration, attempting to photograph "sexual 
misconduct," (which is totally not just a convenient excuse for 
some fundamentalist to volunteer for the cameraman position at a 
gay orgy, you know, "for the cause.")

The Christian Action Network has a long-standing 10 year boycott 
of all Disney products in response to Gay Days, even going so 
far as to protest in Washington D.C. Their official petition 
states that they are "shocked and outraged" that Disney has 
transformed this traditionally macho and totally Christian 
establishment where men dance about in tights and 
anthropomorphic animals practice magic into an anti-family 
values terror-pit, like unto "Sodom and Gomorrah."

And, like Sodom and Gomorrah, this immoral behavior is about to 
result in complete destruction. That's right: Pat Robertson has 
gone on record as officially stating that "[A] condition like 
this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll 
bring about terrorist bombs, it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes 
and possibly a meteor."

This raises two troubling implications: First, that Robertson 
actually thinks Disneyland is a "nation," whose people are all 
wise-cracking cartoons ruled over by the iron-fist of Prime 
Minister Mickey. And second, that Pat Robertson does truly and 
literally believe that he has nature-based superpowers, and is 
shocked, shocked every single time he tries, and ultimately 
fails to summon natural disasters down on things he doesn't 
understand.

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