🚀 go-pugleaf

Sorry folks, english text following:

READ THIS FIRST! by Dave Barry

Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S
MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT,
DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND
FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE
SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND SET IT ON
"FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS, RIGHT?  AND
YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS
WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFOE WE SHIP THEM
OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.  So, in writing
these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is
filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.  OK?  Now let's
talk about:

1.  UNPACKING THE DEVICE.  The device is encased in foam to protect it
from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into
outgoing boxes.  PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA
MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS
MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.  Ida Mae really wants that
ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee,
Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing
inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality
Control when he decided to pop the question.  It is not without irony
that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE
PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.  If you
attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one
single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner
exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's
why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

2.  PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the
latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which,
in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous
electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the
Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the
Other.  Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose
Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.  DO
NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!  Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but
out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT,
AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3.  OPRATION OF THE DEVICE.  WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
DESIGNER CASE.  THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN.  THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN
BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!  Except the battery.  Next taking
the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence!  However.
If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as
a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.

4.  WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against
all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
Thursday afternoon at shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer
will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People,
who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to
cleanse it of evil spirits.  This warranty does not cover the attractive
designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
-- 

Toerless Eckert          | /C=de/A=dbp/P=uni-erlangen/OU=informatik/S=eckert
V.4: Noah's ark of Unix  | X.400 ^ Internet> eckert@informatik.uni-erlangen.de