🚀 go-pugleaf

[Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE)]


#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) 
    {
      if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
      
      if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) 
    {
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call in lie.h */
      if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
      if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) 
{
  market_time=ripe;
  say("It will be ready in one month"); 
  order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);

  order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); 
  order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); 
  vapourware=TRUE;
  break;
}
    }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) 
    {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
      say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing"); 
      break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
      say("Yes it will work");
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); 
      
      pretend(there_is_no_problem);
      break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
      say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
  " the 32 bits architecture");
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); 
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
     "'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
      inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); 
      get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
      break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); 
      when(time_is_ripe)
{
  arrest(journalist);
  brainwash(journalist);
  when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) 
    {
      order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); 
      release (journalist);
    }
}
      break;
    }
  while (vapourware)
    {
      introduction_date++; /* Delay */
      if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
      say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
  release(beta_version);
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) 
    {
      bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks; 
      release(new_and_even_better_beta_version); 
      introduce(more_memory_requirements);
      if (customers_report_installation_problems) 
{
  say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); 
  if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
    {
      ignore(customer);
      order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");
    }
}
      if (there_is_another_company)
{
  steal(their_ideas);
  accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas); 
  hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ 
  wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); 
  buy_out(other_company);
}
    }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us*/
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy); 
  buy(nice_little_island); 
  hire(harem); 
  laugh_at
    (everyone,
     for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); 
}
     
void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
      say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
    {
      ignore(customer);
      register(customer, big_Bill_book);
      /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
}

-- 
------------------------------------  "La victoria y la derrota son dos
Jesus Paul <jpautom@etsi.tel.uva.es>  grandes impostoras; lo que vale es   
       Valladolid. Spain.             el esfuerzo para conseguir vencer"   
------------------------------------             -Kipling-