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eye WEEKLY                                            December 21 1995
Toronto's arts newspaper                      .....free every Thursday
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THE NECROFILE                                            THE NECROFILE

                           THE BEST OF 1995

                                  by
                            DONNA LYPCHUK

Best Name For the New Two Dollar Coin: The Doubloonie.

Best Flirting On A Local Television News Broadcast: The banter between 
Kevin Frankish and Diane the TTC person on CITY-TV's Breakfast 
Television. Every day it's "Ho ho ho and hey, hey, hey, Diane! How are 
those trains runnin' today, nudge nudge, wink wink" "Oh, stop Kevin... 
or I swear I'll throw one of these delicious Tim Horton's donuts at 
you, hee hee." OK, OK, when's the wedding...

Best Parallel Myth And Reality: Animated Raptor dinosaurs destroy 
Toronto in scores of CITY-TV and Shoppers Drug Mart commercials while 
the Tory government does likewise in reality.

Best Attempt To Depress Us All By A Member Of The Tory Government: 
Tsubouchi's Welfare Diet, which led us to imagine what it would be 
like to eat plain pasta, without any sauce or butter, day after day.

Best Menacing Threat From An Otherwise Ordinary Object That Has You 
Living In Fear Like Something Out Of A Stephen King Novel: Truck tires 
that inexplicably fly off their axles and crash through your 
windshield, killing you and your family on our highways.

Best Imitation By A Province Of A Party In A Bad Marriage: Quebec: "I 
mean it this time. If you don't prove you love me, I'm really leaving 
this time for good."

Best Sitcom Reruns On A Pay TV Channel: Rhoda and Mary Tyler Moore on 
WTN!

Best Comedy Show Reruns On A Pay TV Channel: SCTV on Showcase.

Best Imitated TV Personalities: My there are a lot of women out there 
who do excellent imitations of Edina and Patsy. In fact, it seems you 
can't go to a cocktail party anywhere without a brunette and a blonde 
doing some routine from Absolutely Fabulous.

Best Waste Of Canadian Talent On An American Show: The rarely seen 
Mark McKinney, who apparently still works for Saturday Night Live.

Best Manic Depressive On TV: Kathie Lee Gifford on Live With Regis And 
Kathie Lee. A truly mysterious personality that seems to live in a 
state of permanent anxiety over separation from her children, raves 
and rants, sometimes sings and bursts into tears for no apparent 
reason. The next Tammy Baker.

Best Exploitation Of The "Drag Queen" Thing: MAC Cosmetics using 
RuPaul as the "cover girl" in its last campaign.

Best Exploitation Of RuPaul: Howard Stern dressed up as Miss America.

Best Attempt To Make A Famous Woman Feel That Everybody Is Against Her 
By Having Her Ex-Husband Who Once Beat Her And Bound Her Present An 
Award To Her: The organizers of the VH1 Fashion And Music Awards, who 
had Sean Penn present an award to Madonna, thus showing the singer 
they're really behind her all the way! Yes, they are!

Best Attempt By An American TV Show To Ignore The Fact That The United 
States Is Significantly Populated With Hispanic American And Black 
People: The television show Friends, in which, despite the odds 
against it, the lead characters don't seem to have any Hispanic 
American or black friends.

Best Prediction Of Charlie Manson Coming True By The Year 2000: Didn't 
Charlie predict the Million Man March on Washington? I'm sure that's 
in Helter Skelter.

Best Ironic Twist Of Fate: O.J. Simpson didn't go to jail, yet he is a 
prisoner in his own home, unable to go anywhere...

Best Explanation For Why O.J. Got Off: Karma.

Best Gloria Swanson-Type Comeback In Music: A tie between punk rock 
icons Carole Pope and Patti Smith.

Best Imitation Of Nana Mouskouri By A Singer With Long Hair: Lisa 
Loeb.

Best Imitation Of Nana Mouskouri If She Were A Dyke: k.d. lang.

Best Imitation Of Ricki Lake If She Lost 80 Pounds: Camilla Scott on 
the new Camilla Scott show. With highly original topics like "Gossip -
- Is it hurting you?" and "Is your boyfriend jealous?" we don't know 
if we're still so crazy for you...

Best Canadian Poet: Clifford Olson, the convicted killer who, 
according to "News Of The Weird" in The Toronto Star, was named a 
semifinalist in an American poetry competition.

Best Thing About Paul Bernardo: Now that he's in prison he finally 
knows the meaning of fear.

Best Imitation Of The Mona Lisa: Karla Homolka. During the trial, 
sketch artists complained that they were unable to capture a true 
likeness of Homolka because of her mysterious smile.

Best Imitation Of Bosnia: The Air Show at the Canadian National 
Exhibition, complete with casualties.

Best Way For Unemployed Ryerson Journalism Graduates To Comfort 
Themselves This Year: Even Pamela Wallin and Ona Fletcher lost their 
jobs this year.

Best Imitation Of The Necrofile: "The Negrofile" in the Metro Word.

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