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A tour around ordinary madness

Article by Pedro Kurdo

We didn't even have time to come to terms with the NATO manufactured utopia
called 'multi-ethnic democratic' Bosnia when they created another one -
Kosovo. The new patient is here, suffering, and already plugged into the
organisation's financial apparatus it will definitely need for its bare
survival for decades to come.

So, I've decided to take you for a ride on an inspirational tour of Kosovo,
by a winding and dangerous route, traced at the very edge of sanity. As the
journey ahead is full of 'black spots' which have claimed many intellectual
lives, the fact that a strictly low IQ limit will be in force all along the
way won't come as a surprise. A survival tip: switch your mental gear to
the very lowest one; for those of you with a hopeless habit of using their
grey matter no matter what, try reverse mode, it may do the trick.
Otherwise, stay out of this altogether. At the same time, keeping a tight
grip on your brain brake isn't a bad idea either - wheels of your logic may
start to unwind uncontrollably at any moment. Let's turn the key, and start
our journey...

First stop - beginning. There was a woman called Madeleine (according to
some experts should be spelled Mad Eleine). She decided to throw a party in
a castle, somewhere in the French province. She invited friends, and even
some of those who weren't. The cowboy hat on her head was to show us how
keen this woman was to make it succeed. Madeleine lined everybody up and
snapped a family shot for the history project called 'Peace Treaty', then
promptly sent it to the Dark Room for development. This is quite
understandable; these kinds of things are not supposed to see public light
or their essence fade quickly. While waiting for the backroom artwork, the
guests were supposed to play a game. Madeleine chose Monopoly of Truth
(NATO's version of the popular pastime amusement). The Serbs said they had
never liked it, while the other side didn't mind as long as the rules were
written in Albanian. At the appropriate moment Madeleine pulled her freshly
developed 'Peace Treaty' creation, and tried to sell it to everyone. The
Serbs, again, objected to the fact that their image on it looked too dark;
it wasn't a true likeness of them, they argued. It was good enough for
Madeleine, and she wanted them framed straight away. A lot of pushing and
bad language followed (even a weapon had been used - a nasty appendix we
learned later). In the all-out chaos afterwards, the lights went off. The
darkness fell on Europe again. I'll continue my journey with the headlights
on.

As we all know what subsequently happened, I can cruise through the facts.

The unfortunate party was followed by a famous Serbian masterplan. The idea
was a simple one. Start with the extermination of Albanians and then
quietly land on the picturesque Italian coast to get Europe through its
backdoor. By the time Eurocrats realise what's going on, Serbs would be
munching Dunkin' Donuts on the Capitol Hill. According to its timetable, we
would become a Serbian speaking planet by the year 2005. Really freaky
stuff! Spy satellites confirmed this by spotting a large number of
amphibious vehicles on Montenegro's beaches, but in the desire not to
disturb the wider public this news had been omitted from the mainstream
media. The monstrous plot was so secret, even the Serbian military that
created it was unaware of its existence. But the name of the
operation...oh, that strange name...where did it come from? Considering
that you all are familiar with the tale of Newton and his apple, I am
gladly going to skip the story of Wesley Clark and his pet horse. At the
end, the plan has been fortunately uncovered by a special Swahili speaking
Austrian secret service agent, dressed as an Eskimo for the occasion, with
a phenomenal capacity to blend into weird environments like Kosovo. 'Vielen
dank mein Herr' for saving the Civilisation.

Obviously, we had to act because massacres have happened over there on such
a scale that it was clearly visible from outer space. We moved in, searched
the place and dug, dug, dug. With a calculator in our hands we added
victims of Serbian crimes, victims of genocide, victims of humanitarian
bombing, those that may have been killed, those who were supposedly killed,
suicide victims, NATO's famous virtual Albanians, ones who volunteered to
be added to the list, traffic accident victims and better preserved
Egyptian mummies (Egyptians do live in Kosovo). All together - a couple of
thousand. In his latest statement, George Robertson urges NATO supporters
not to lose hope. A new weapon is on its way - an electronic microscope.
Apparently, there is massive evidence on a molecular level.

This caused a serious shortage of horror stories necessary for fuelling the
imagination of an increasingly suspicious Western public. It looks like at
the moment, the Srebrenica saga will need urgent reopening.

And finally the good guys moved in. With their 'Kidnapping & Looting &
Atrocities Inc' Kosovo franchise (we all know it as KLA), they started
spreading the NATO induced message of love. Surprise, surprise - the place
become an oasis of peace and stability in an ocean of ethnic hatred. While
murders have been almost totally eradicated and replaced with a daily dose
of lethal but 'justifiable revenge', ethnic cleansing definitely became a
thing of the past - there could be a few 'humanitarian evacuations' on the
enormous scale here and there, but nothing too serious to write about. It's
a regrettable fact that Serbian grannies drown in their baths en masse, but
this can be attributed to Milosevic's faulty learn to swim programs. Yeah,
yeah, some Serbian infants have been burned alive. You are not going to
believe that of course. They could be some of those infamous 'CIA incubator
babies'. You see, just as they told you, everything is fine.

I continued my trip, passing devastated Serbian villages. It has been
decided, their remains will be left as they are in memory of the officer
responsible for providing KLA with a safe environment necessary for
committing the just mentioned grandiose crimes - that of General Jackson.
He's been given a medal for successfully defending the organisation from
the vicious forces of conscience and is now going to take, if we are
allowed to judge by his look, an important post on the Betty Ford clinic.
Just recently he's been swapped for a German uniformed face, a kind of
natural choice. For many of us, military boots from that country marching
on the Balkan soil again look all too familiar. By the way, d�j� vu is
pronounced blitzkrieg in German.

In the heart of Kosovo, built on the ruins of a 600 year old Serbian
religious shrine, stands a new tourist landmark - local Madame Tussaud
museum. No visitor to the regional politics should miss this place. I'll
pop in and check what's on display these days. I see, our familiar
news-making faces - just all got stuffed here in Kosovo. Hmm, that's 'Oh
may Lord' George Robertson. They made him quite well, I must admit, one
would think he's a real human being. Pressing on his bellybutton triggers
an interesting sound response: 'Albanians good - Serbs bad, me George - you
Jane'. I can sense some real advances in artificial intelligence here.
Since he hasn't even the slightest chance of dying from a brain tumour in
real life, we can only hope this heartless and remorseless humanoid is not
Y2K compliant. A few steps away, the wax figure of Tony Blair painted in
the colour of his personality - dull. True, in the last couple of months
this guy suffocated just about everyone with his 'humanitarian we must have
done massacres' crap, and been so bad that even his best friend, his cat
Humphrey, reportedly committed suicide a while ago by deliberately eating
Ukrainian relief salami destined for Kosovo refugees. Close, very close,
rubbing shoulders with his boss even as a wax creation, stands the last one
from the British Bombing Triumvirate - Robin Cook. This miserable
character, in an unprecedented move, turned Kosovo climate from European
continental to the one with permanent twilight. It also smells strongly;
they must have used alcohol-based paints on him. Look who we've got next to
Robin - James Amanpour (nee Rubin), the winner of the 'Kosovo Farce Open'.
During the tournament he delivered more spins in 78 days of competition
than Pete Sampras does in a whole season. He even defeated mighty Richard
Holbrooke, whose 'Serve and Bully' game worked perfectly till the very
final. Just steps away from him is Monsieur Bernard La Nonsense Koushner,
the man who apart from being a full time apologist for the local bandit
organisation, once made world wide fame with his statement to the visiting
Russian ambassador: 'Kosovo has become a much safer place. They used to
kill five Serbs a day, that's now more like one Serb in five days'. He is
also a founder of the Nobel price winning M�decins Sans Fronti�res, the
organisation that just recently expelled some Greek doctors because of
their blatant compassion for Serbian refugees. Like father, like children.
Not far from him, physically and morally, is the replica of Wesley Clark, a
great American army strategist credited with the introduction of 'Terrorism
on Tap' doctrine into the West Point textbooks. His proposal to solve the
problem of Kashmir by bombing the Serbs again, is now thought of to be a
jewel of US contemporary military thinking. If there is a single person who
deserves to be exposed in this place it must be Ms Halfbright. With her
face covered (even here, there is a limit to the horror human beings can
take), we should not forget the sacrifices this ruthless woman had to
endure to get the region in the state of despair we are witnessing now.
I've recently learned, last Halloween holiday was the first in years she
could celebrate uninterrupted. What's that in the corner...just a sec, I'll
take a better look...good grief, it looks like a giant phallus. This is so
embarrassing, I won't even bother reading the name plaque underneath. After
seeing this I immediately started to inhale, and you know what - this place
stinks. The whole area is saturated with the odour of rotting charisma and
dead credibility. Get the hell out of here!

Culture will save us all. We know it, NATO knows it, and that's probably
why the organisation has made such a big thing of their new symphony. At
the Kosovo press centre, just a hand grenade throw down the road, you can
have your daily dose of entertainment featuring this NATO's latest creation
composed by some folks from Brussels and named appropriately - Balkania
Pathetica. It represents a very unusual approach to the well establish art
form. Unlike ordinary symphonies that regularly contain a couple of pieces,
this one has no peace at all. Intelligent critics are impressed. I am
reading one of the many positive reviews: ...'definitely a highlight of the
whole campaign, a must see. You'll truly enjoy NATO's bullshit artists
performing skilfully on the vocal cords of the custom made journalists'...

By now, I am feeling the first signs of panic. There must be a way out.
Racing along the road, I encounter an intersection blessed with a
bullet-ridden traffic sign. Can't see what's on it that well, you know,
Kosovo is a pretty smoky place these days, have to come closer...let's
see...it says: 'Shortcut to the Bosnian bright future (no exit)' to the
left, and to the right 'Road to Kosovo future via Albania (under
construction)'. I think they managed to get me lost here.

Lucky me, there is a phone box over there. I'll give a 1-800-MASSACRES a
call (Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Wasteland strongly recommends this
number). My moderate hopes were deflated by the pre-recorded message: 'You
have reached NATO's war-machine. No honourable person is available. Leave
all your sovereignty hopes after the threat'. Well, it looks like we are
going to be stuck here for a while.

Sit down, relax. Pull out everybody's favourite 'Big Muddy' cake from
NATO's standard ration pack, and warm it up on the smouldering remains of a
Serbian church close by. Get yourself ready for a long, cold and deadly
winter.

Pedro Kurdo is the correspondent for the Internet Express News. Copyright �
1999