🚀 go-pugleaf

Subject: Women Drivers
From: "Goran Bukurov" <bukurovg@EUnet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

Please note that with the arrival of the *Drive Thru* cash point machines in 
the UK customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their 
vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures 
have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own 
circumstances, ie, MALE or FEMALE and remember them when you use the machine 
for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash  machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6. Locate make up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance 
from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the
inside back page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty bag again to locate purse to place cash into.
17. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Drive forward 2 metres.
19. Reverse back to cash machine.
20. Retrieve card.
21. Re-check make up.
22. Restart stalled engine and pull away.
23. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
24. Release hand brake.


Subject: 2 Nuns and a Vampire
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

Two Nuns were driving down the road one night when a Vampire jumps out
of the bushes and lands on the hood of their car.� The Nuns panic and
swerve to try and throw him but he hangs on tight.� Finally the first
Nun tells the second one to pray that he falls off...�� She does but
this only seems to aggravate the vampire.�� So she tells her to turn on
the windshield wipers and spray him with water, and that she uses holly
water in her wipers... She does this too but again only enrages the
vampire..� Then the first Nun yells at the second Nun and says "Show him
you're cross!!!!"��� So the second Nun hangs her head out the window and
says..� "GET� THE� FUCK OFF MY CAR!!!!!!!!!"
�

Subject: 25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

1.� It's an incentive to show up.
2.� It reduces stress.
3.� It leads to more honest communications.
4.� It reduces complaints about low pay.
5.� It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6.� Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants
to hear.
7.� It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8.� It encourages carpooling.
9.� Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you� don't
care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of
drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
�

Subject: 30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man:
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
�

Subject: It's Just A Little Gas
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan
during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging
stomach. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a
little gas."

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing
her habit barely fit across her belly.� "Oh, just a bit of gas," said
sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he
passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.� Looking in, the
priest observed, "He's a cute little fart!"
�

Subject: The Real Meaning In Ads
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

FIRST THE WOMEN:

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive financially insecure
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height................ Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not
interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring
myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on
Easter
Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
�



Subject: Ten Dollars
From: "He-man" <xyz@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic


Ten Dollahs IS Ten Dollahs...

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.  Every
year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya
know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane".

Every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride
costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".  So Stumpy says
"By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may
nevah go". Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten
dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".

So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal,
I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one
word and it's ten dollars".

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and
turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more
time, still nothing... so fair is fair and he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!"

And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha
theah fell out... but then, ten dollahs IS ten dollahs!"



Subject: Onima koji su gadljivi preporucujem da ne citaju ovo.
From: "He-man" <xyz@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

This is the single most repulsive thing I have ever read.
Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.

One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery Maine, woke up
with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but
when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was
very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole.
She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into
the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing
pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out
of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides
of the toilet, white-knuckled.  She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors
called the police.  When medics arrived they found Ms. DeLucci unconscious
lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe.
Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had
to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent
crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all
twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he
exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a
finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet
popping sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on
the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and
it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back
and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea
setting in.  When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw
was so repulsive that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without
convulsing.  The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp
flipping and splashing at a furious pace.

If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:
Ms. DeLucci's official death was the result of a combination of shock and
severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw
what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the
toilet and then on the floor.  It is believed by medical police that on two
nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish
market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into
her vagina to derive pleasure.  At that point, she held a lighter under the
creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion.
The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on
a table in front of the tub.  The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage
can wrapped in a paper bag.  Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the
lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the
lobster tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same
fuel used in lighters.  The lobster's digestive track and colon were found
to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had
eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually
harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms.
DeLucci's cunt when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two
days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her
period, doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb
was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger
version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US.  Overnight
the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten
minutes.  You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning
and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.
Subject: After The Race
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her
and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly whenshe
smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry
woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect
headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth
finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the
garage door open?'"
�



Subject: After The Race
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her
and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly whenshe
smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry
woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect
headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth
finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the
garage door open?'"
�



Subject: Bad Hearing
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is
as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife
is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet
behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving
closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen
feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for
supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf bastard!"
�



Subject: Make em Swear
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

Q: How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say "fuck"?

A: Shout "Bingo!"
�



Subject: Three Women On A Plane About To Crash
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

Three Women On A Plane About To Crash

A blonde, redhead and black-haired beauty were on an airplane that
wasgoing down in flames.� The blonde reached inside her purse and pulled
out all her make-up and began primping.� The others asked her what she
was doing.� She replied, "It's a well-known fact that the people at the
crash-site will notice a beautiful woman before other victims.� I'll
look wonderful and be rescued first.

All of a sudden the redhead rips open her blouse and removes her bra to
reveal enormous boobs.� When the other 2 ladies ask her what she's
doing, she answers, "It's a well known fact that paramedics love women
with huge tits.� They will see me and rush to my side to administer CPR
and I will be rescued first."

The black-haired beauty then begins to remove her skirt, panty-hose, and
under-panties.� The other 2 ladies ask, "What are YOU doing?"� She
replies, "Ladies, it's a well known fact, the FIRST thing they look for
at any crash-site is the BLACK BOX!"
�



Subject: Camel Trip
From: Morpheus <bojan3bk@eunet.yu>
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

Two blondes, Donna & Tracey, decide to take a camel trip through the
desert. Before they leave Ahab the camel salesman tells them to make
sure their camel drinks water at every oasis along the way. But wouldn't
you know it when they get to the first oasis the camel won't drink. they
try everything and still no luck. Finally, Tracey says "Donna, I'm gonna
hold the camels head under water and you try sucking on his ass. Maybe
we'll get some water in him that way." After a minute Donna yells out,
"lift his head up all I'm getting is mud."

-- 
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