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Subject: Sauron's Diary (long!) (fwd)
From: smolenski@setnet.co.yu (Nikola Smolenski)
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic

*** Forwarded message, originally written by Lalaith on 24-Jan-00 ***
In 222 Fourth Age, excavations at the former site of Barad-dur revealed
a sensation: Written in Black Speech and Feanorian letters, the personal
diary of the Dark Lord Sauron was found! Does after this find history
have to written anew? Judge yourself from these eye-opening excerpts:

August 2, 3018 TA:
This place ucks. Watching from the top window I can see only slag and
ashes. 
I much prefered our old residence in the Forest: at least there was
green to be seen. But it was my wife, of course, who wanted to move
here. The other place was too much frequented by travelling salesmen,
she said. The last one even stole a map from the library. 
I think what she really disliked about it was my visits to Eddie the
Bullfrog over in Moria.
Orodruin smells like a thousand years' egg. I wonder what the cook is
preparing for lunch again.

September 4:
A Ring has been found, I was told. It might be the one that I lost in
the Sink long ago when I had to wash dishes again. My wife wants to have
some Nazguls to go and retrieve it for a reasonable price before it is
offered to the auctioneers. I wanted to give her two, but as always she
had the stronger arguments. In the end she took all nine plus my best
thoroughbreds.
The Orcs call me once again the Black Eye.

September 30:
Black Riders frequenting the inns, engaging in fistfights, our expenses
soaring. What was going on in Bree, I wonder? I know: It is never good
to leave the Nazguls too long at their own. Moreover, they still did not
get that Ring. I really would not mind, but this thing is a trifle that
my wife fancies. If I remember correctly, she gave it to me at our
silmarillian wedding. 
Has that been now the 5000th or the 6000th? 

October 20:
How often did I tell her to keep the Nazguls away from running water (I
had to tell so, otherwise she would have them cleaning and washing the
floors all day)? Now of course they are again "my" Nazguls who "cannot
think from one minute to the next". But I swear by the Great Darkness
that it was her who steered them straight into the Greyflood!
Why did I not just leave her in Angband when there was the opportunity?

November 12:
The Nazguls are back, undressed but so soaked that you can trace them by
their wet footprints on the parquetry. My wife says we will have to find
some other beasts for them, the thoroughbreds were too unreliable
outside the racing tracks. Of course she may have everything. Give them
some bats, give them some dinosaurs, whatever. Anything except my
pigeons.

December 24:
I kindly suggested a nice weekend at the seaside of Nurn, but no way.
Havng only my fun in mind, she said, while there was so much dirt and
dust to clean till New Year. I proposed ordering some Orcs to paint all
the walls white, then the bright ash from Orodruin would not be so
terribly visible. From her answer I still have a headache as if the Iron
Crown was sitting upon my brow.
The Orcs - with their sensible feeling for prominent anatomical features
- call her the Mouth. 

January 15, 3019 TA:
News report there was a raid in Moria. Eddie the Bullfrog has been
accused of various harassments and sent into the Void. A real pity: as a
free holder he was unsurpassed, always had the best stuff he could get
in the Misty Mountains. This is no more like it was in the Good Elder
Days when you could find a good night-club at any place in Endor.

February 27:
Dushgoi reports that some Orcs have gone their own way. Notably one
Grishnakh seems to be out trying to find that darn Ring himself. And I
thought that was a matter of us and the Nazguls only?
The Mouth can never be shut.

March 5:
Picky has gone! Hadn't I said to Khamul: "Don't fly near Orthanc, their
cuisine favours roasted pigeons"? Picky has always been my darling, won
three times the Gundabad-Barad-dur air race. Sigh. There never was again
such a favourite since they closed down the breeding stables of Utumno.

March 6:
A little fellow dialed the Orthanc-palantir in the middle of the night.
When I had crawled out of bed and picked up he asked me who I was. I
said: "I am the Eye." He understood "YMCA" and wanted to order a
bedroom.
I wonder why Saruman does not call any more. Gossip says he is ill,
suffering from Birnam's disease or something. Never heard of that
before. I have to ask my physician, Dr. Mekhbath Shaeghesbear, about it.

March 10:
A bleak, dawnless day today. The cook burnt the breakfast and set the
kitchen aflame. We had fire guards from Harad and Khand all over the
place. I think the fumes must have been visible till Minas Tirith or
further. 
Now we have to clean the reeks from all the tapestries. But my wife
refuses to retreat to our former residence till we have renewed the
place.
I would just jump and swim in the Sea of Rhun. Haven't been there since
six decades.

March 15:
For some days my wife has been going around in armour and mens clothes.
I always suspected something like that about her - but she says that was
the newest fashion of the West. Probably seen that on palantir again,
perhaps from Rohan. I think she looks like the mother-in-law of Hagar
the Horrible, but the Orcs like it.

March 17:
I do not watch palantir any more. There is nothing interesting on. Our
own channel has only crime- and action-movies. I asked Gorbag whether
that was really necessary, and he said that we serve only the audience's
desires. I wonder whether he meant Orcs or Gondorians by that. Anor has
ceased to broadcast and displays only a funny test image. Orthanc has
apparently been taken by some revolutionaries and features monarchistic
propaganda all day long. I much preferred their Orc&Man porns.

March 23:
Again some travelling salesmen at the Gate. It seems that this time they
want to sell a millenial subscription to the "White Crown", apparently
another of these royal-gossip mags. My wife wants to go out herself and
send them on their way. I asked why I would not go instead, I had not
been out for decades. She said I if I did I would only make a fool out
of myself again, like I always did when I left home. Ever since
Tol-in-Gaurhoth. Why did she remind me? I still have Huans Valinorean
fleas on my skin!

March 25:
Today is the day! For the first time since the Fall of Numenor, I am
alone. Out rode my wife. Out rode my wife, and I can turn my
long-designed plan into reality. 
Off I will go, hide in the Far East I will, and never again they will
find me. A room in the "Blue Istari" I will rent: It is said to be the
best night-club left east of Moria. 
May they blast the Tower to splinters. The better for it, than she may
think I am gone for good and would not start to seek me. 
Send a happy good-bye to all, esp. my lovely wife! I have my luggage
packed, and off I am..."

-- 
Lalaith <http://rover.wiesbaden.netsurf.de/~lalaith/M-earth.html>

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