🚀 go-pugleaf

sI have recently encountered quite a few men who listen to the Tom Leykis
show. Not normally a fan of talk radio, I decided to tune in and see what
the craze was about.  What I discovered is a mediocre show, with very
little substance and a lot of hot air. My base instinct was to be offended
by the constant reference to women as 'bitches' or the way he called men
'pussies', if they didn't agree with his clumsy, Peter Pan ideas. However,
on second thought, I smiled, realizing that every person I know who is a
fan of Mr. Leykis, despite religious application of his advice, has serious
problems getting laid.  I can safely say that during the dates I have had
with Leykis followers, my panties have never been on tighter.  Maybe it's
because they are products of Leykis '101', which, ironically, is "an
unapologetic primer to help men get laid with minimum effort", including
such gems as 'Never spend money impressing her on the first date' and 'Stop
seeing her if you don't get laid on the third date'.  My first encounter
with a Leykis boy happened at a bar in the valley. Paul was a forthright,
tall guy who interrupted a conversation I was having with another man.
Since he was not unattractive and seemed intelligent, I decided to get to
know him. He revealed his allegiance to Leykis within ten minutes. I,
naively, had no idea of the consequences to come.  I became a victim to the
first date rule with Paul, who showed up a half-hour late and letting me
pay for pretty much everything, while he went on and on about how women
want a 'real man' who is big and strong. I cut the date short, not at all
turned on. I avoided his calls the following week and finally agreed to
meet for an after-work drink (after my work, as Leykis boy is currently
unemployed). My reason, after such a lame first date, was belief in second
chances.  We agreed to meet at Bar Marmont and, surprise, surprise, he was
a half-hour late. Two drinks later we went to the Pig and Whistle, where he
complained about having to fork out $6.00 for my Shepherds Pie, as I had
misplaced my wallet. Paul, if you are reading this, that was a test and you
failed, you cheap bastard!  The night was a virtual repeat of the first
date, only this time, after ranting at me about his 'philosophy in life',
Leykis boy went in for the kill, as I was waiting for the valet to get my
car. He shoved his tongue far down my throat and when I abruptly pulled
away, he arched an eyebrow and asked coyly "Are you sure you wanna go home
now?" Trying not to laugh in his face, I declined, thanked him and sped off
like a bat out of hell. He actually thought that there was a chance he
still might get laid. Naturally, the third date never happened.  Paul will
be fine, especially when Papa Tom tells him that I am a bitch and a whore
and that he should "F- fat chicks for a while until something hotter comes
up" (actual advice from his show last Thursday, given to a man who has a
"bitch of a girlfriend")  Leykis boy #2, was slightly different. I met
Robert at a party, where he sat all by himself, posing like some sort of
international playboy in Gucci aviators. Occasionally a woman or two would
stop and chat to him, but just as quickly, they would be gone. When I
walked by, he whistled and said "Nice pins!". I thanked him and grabbed a
drink. An hour later we were talking and it came out that he listened to
Leykis. I noticed his eyes sliding from my forehead, to my chin, to my
chest, where they stayed fixed for few seconds. When he looked up he asked
me if I wanted to have dinner with him. I told him that I was busy. The
conversation died and we went out separate ways. A little later my friend
Mike informed me that Leykis boy #2 was telling everyone that I was a
'lousy slut'. We just laughed at the poison spewed by a person rejected.
Mike used to be a Leykisite and would forever lament to me his bad luck
with women, "The problem is that they are interested at first, but after
the first two dates, usually don't want to see me anymore". The women he
dated came from all walks of life, and Mike is good looking, so why
wouldn't anyone have sex with him? I asked him about the dates. "Well, I
usually meet them somewhere and we take it from there"  "You don't make any
plans?"  "No, I just try to keep it as low profile and cheap as possible."
I advised him to put a little more effort into it, by picking a restaurant
he could afford and thinking of something inexpensive, but creative, to do
afterward and under no circumstances to let her pay for the entire date. I
also recommended that he keep this up for a little less than a month, no
more than once a week.  Would you believe that after he followed my advice
he got laid on the second date and soon after that the girl was beating
down his door for more. Mike has also started listening to another radio
show as a result.  It reminds me of my teenage and college days. My friends
and I in our awkward, geeky attempts to understand the world, the rules of
attraction and men, would listen to Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive,' while
quoting Germain Greer, drinking wine and bitching about men. Similarly, The
Tom Leykis show is really about nothing more than male venting. If signing
some silly tart's 'rack' or listening to an old fat guy complain about the
evils of women, makes a man feel empowered for a little while, that's all
fine and dandy. However, just as singing Alanis Morisette's 'You Otta
Know', drunk at a karaoke bar, will most likely not get you laid, neither
will acting like a prick, who is just too tough to give a fuck.  Like it or
not, courting is a part of the game. All one has to do is look at animals.
The peacock with the dullest spread of feathers is also the least likely to
attract a mate. Most male mammals, have several test and obstacles to prove
their worth to a female before she rolls over and puts out. Some might
attribute this to the instinctive thrill of the chase.  Guess what? Humans
are no different. Ideal as it is, a man's longing or intent to get a woman
into bed are simply not enough. If he makes no effort, he's not getting
any. If she makes none, she won't get noticed. For over a thousand years
chivalric code has been a fundamental part of the human mating ritual
simply because it works. I am not sure that Tom Leykis, despite his loud
voice and syndication, is going to actually change this.  I leave you with
the golden rule of 'Cernadas 101', a rather apologetic primer on how to get
laid:  Ladies - Never date a Tom Leykis fan if you want to have a good
time.  Gentlemen - Never employ any of Tom Leykis' "quick" techniques if
you want to have a good time on a date let alone, get your date into the
sack.