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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 121)
   August 11, 2003
   Political Action Figures Edition

   As if there was any doubt before, the California recall election is
   now, officially, a circus. Among the declared candidates are a former
   child star, a pornographer, a Groping Austrian Beefcake, and a whole
   bunch of conservative idiots. First on this week's Top Ten is Arnold
   Schwarzenegger, whom the media has crowned front-runner in California,
   presumably because... well... they just kinda decided that he would be
   the guy. Darrell Issa (2) the moneybags behind the recall, has also
   become it's first casualty. And Rush, Hannity, et al (3) have suddenly
   embraced the idea of Hollywood superstars getting involved in
   politics. Blue Box International (4) and Ebay (5) have gone
   Dubya-crazy. And the state of Wisconsin is well represented this week,
   with the 9 and 10 spots. Enjoy...

   1 Arnold Schwarzenegger   Cyborg Cyborg Cyborg
   Running Man in Total Recall shocker! Hasta la vista, Gray Davis!
   GAAAAH! And I have to put up with two more months of this? The movie
   puns, oh the agonizing movie puns. Yes, Californians are now faced
   with the very real possibility that the Groping Austrian Beefcake is
   going to become Governor Groping Austrian Beefcake after the special
   recall election takes place on October 7th. Arnold is of course the
   front-runner in this election simply because he's a man-mountain with
   an incomprehensible accent and a talent for impersonating robots -
   which will obviously go a long way towards fixing California's energy
   crisis and budget deficit. But seriously, folks, does anyone actually
   know what the guy's policies are? I mean, the ability to spout off
   "I'll be back (wink)" on cue is obviously endearing, but does Arnold
   have any thoughts about how to solve California's problems? I guess it
   doesn't matter to the millions of Californians who, clearly hypnotized
   by a media struggling to get a sniff of Schwarzenegger's butt cheeks,
   are planning on voting for the dude because he's, well, The
   Terminator. Policies? That's for politicians, man. Bring on a dude who
   fights killer androids from the future. Let's face it, Jesse "Ain't
   Got Time To Bleed" Ventura already set high standards for actors from
   the movie Predator - personally I'm hoping to see Carl Weathers
   declare his intention to run for president this fall. So will Arnold
   Jingle All The Way to the Governor's mansion? [That's it, you're fired
   - Ed.]

   2 Darrell Issa    Crybaby Cowardice
   What the hell is wrong with Darrell Issa? Apart from his thirst for
   stolen cars, that is (see Idiots 116). I mean, the guy spends millions
   of dollars of his own money throwing the state of California into a
   huge special election fiasco, and then drops out when the race gets
   too hot? What a wuss. The morning after Schwarzenegger's announcement,
   Issa called a press conference and cried like a little girl as he
   announced that he would not be running for governor after all - he
   even tried to pretend that he never really wanted to be governor in
   the first place, saying "It was about higher obligation." Nonsense.
   Issa is just terrified that he'll be thrashed like a disobedient
   monkey by Hasta La Vista Boy. Let's face it, even Gary Coleman is
   going to get more votes than Darrell Issa would have, and Coleman is
   most recently famous for being a washed-up child actor slash miniature
   security guard. Meanwhile, Bob Mulholland, spokesman for the
   California Democratic Party, was out and about labeling Issa as "the
   arsonist who fled the scene of the fire." An apt description, and
   we're sorry to report that Darrell's tears aren't going to be enough
   to put that fire out. Although they certainly make him look like a big
   loser, which ought to cheer everyone up a bit.

   3 Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, ...et al Hypocrisy
   You know, I could have sworn that just a few months ago Rush Limbaugh,
   Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and the rest of the
   shouting-right-wing-talk-radio-maniacs were telling me how dumb I must
   be to think that celebrities had any place in politics. The wingnuts
   proclaimed at maximum volume that celebrities who disagreed with the
   invasion of Iraq were un-American, and had no place speaking their
   minds in public. How dare they? Dang stupid celebrities! So I guess I
   find it somewhat ironic that those very same
   shouting-right-wing-talk-radio-maniacs are now falling over each other
   to gush about what a great governor Arnold Schwarzenegger would be,
   despite the fact that he has no policies other than "Uhhhh, California
   needs more jobs," and, "I'll be back (wink)." I mean, speaking out
   against the invasion of Iraq was one thing, but running the world's
   fourth largest economy is an entirely different kettle of haddock. So
   how can Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, et al, possibly give
   Schwarzenegger such glowing praise without gagging on their own
   hypocrisy? Simple: they have absolutely no shame whatsoever, and their
   audience is too stupid to notice.

   4 Blue Box International    Dumb
   [121_naval.jpg] Get your buckets ready folks, because this is going to
   be a puke-fest! Last week, KB Toys started selling Blue Box
   International's latest creation, the gag-inducing Elite Force Aviator:
   George W. Bush - U.S. President and Naval Aviator 12" Action Figure.
   The figure comes complete with "authentic gear" and according to the
   blurb on KB Toys website (get those buckets ready) "this
   limited-edition action figure is a meticulous 1:6 scale recreation of
   the Commander-in-Chief's appearance during his historic Aircraft
   Carrier landing. On May 1, 2003, President Bush landed on the USS
   Abraham Lincoln (CVN-72) in the Pacific Ocean, and officially declared
   the end to major combat in Iraq. While at the controls of an S-3B
   Viking aircraft from the 'Blue Sea Wolves' of Sea Control Squadron
   Three Five (VS-35), designated 'Navy 1,' he overflew the carrier
   before handing it over to the pilot for landing. Attired in full naval
   aviator flight equipment, the President then took the salute on the
   deck of the carrier." Urgh, my stomach. Interestingly Blue Box
   International seem to have failed to accurately model George W. Bush's
   embarrassing swollen balls problem, and have instead elected to
   minimize the crotch area to such a degree that Bush now looks like a
   flying eunuch. We can't wait for Blue Box's next authentic and
   historically accurate figure, Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush -
   Draft Dodger and AWOL Coke Snorter 12" Action Figure, complete with a
   1:6 scale letter from George H.W. Bush to the commander of the Texas
   Air National Guard, fully detailed civilian clothing (including sun
   visor), and an authentic empty urine sample bottle.

   5 Ebay    Partisanship Warmongering
   While KB Toys is selling heroic action figures of the
   chickenhawk-in-chief, Ebay is disallowing sales of some products
   critical of the Bush Administration. Canadian artist John Steins tried
   to use the popular auction site to sell his artwork, a parody of the
   "most wanted" deck of cards from the Iraq War. The hand printed
   lino-cut prints, titled "Axis of Weasels" featured portraits of
   prominent Bush Administration figures, including Dubya (ace of
   spades), Donald Rumsfeld (queen of spades), Ari Fleischer (jack of
   spades), on down to Dick Cheney (two of spades). After receiving a
   number of complaints from "pro-Bush Americans," Ebay ordered the
   products removed from the site. According to Steins' website,
   thebushadministration.com, Ebay eventually backed down. But this
   should have never happened in the first place. If Stein had been
   selling Klan paraphernalia or penis enlargement pills he'd be fine,
   but since he was critical of the Boy King, he got the boot.

   6 Ann Coulter     Dumb Skank
   Two weeks ago Ann Coulter's piece of trash Treason was No.6 on the New
   York Times bestseller list - just a few short, sad places below
   Hillary Clinton's memoir Living History which held the No.2 spot. Last
   week Treason shot up three places to No.3 - still, sadly, one short of
   Living History. But clearly thousands of Coulter fans are flocking to
   bookstores to buy their idol's latest work... or are they? If you take
   a look at the bestseller list, you'll notice that there is a little
   tiny "+" next to Treason. And what does that mean? Well, according to
   the small print at the bottom of the page, "A dagger (+) indicates
   that some bookstores report receiving bulk orders." And look at that -
   Coulter's book is the only one on the list with a dagger next to it!
   How mysterious. Surely some fat cat conservative isn't placing
   multiple orders on Ann's books to shore up her sales totals and boost
   her to the top of the list? It can't be true - why, that would be
   thoroughly devious and underhanded, and we all know that conservatives
   are simply full to bursting with honesty and integrity.

   7 Judge Thomas Ragno    Racism Racism
   Maybe Judge Thomas Ragno is try to out-conservative Roy Moore for a
   shot at the Supreme Court (see Idiots 120) - it certainly seems that
   way. Ragno, a Boston immigration judge, was suspended last week after
   making "jokes about Tarzan to a woman who said she had been raped and
   tortured in her native Uganda," according to the Boston Globe. ''Jane,
   come here. Me Tarzan!'' Ragno apparently said to the woman at her
   deportation hearing. He also allegedly "dialed the weather number on
   his speaker phone so that he could listen to the forecast and talked
   in open court about looking for a condominium," before denying the
   woman's bid for asylum. Granted, Ragno has been a judge for 30 years,
   so it's possible that his brain is starting to melt. But as the
   woman's doctor put it, "It was disrespectful and insulting, and in my
   mind it was racist to have a white judge making Tarzan comments to a
   black woman." In anyone's mind, I think. Well, anyone except Judge
   Thomas Ragno.

   8 Halliburton     Quid Pro Quo Greed
   Thank goodness Dick Cheney's former company Halliburton is being paid
   millions of taxpayer dollars for their role in Iraq right now. It
   would be even better if they actually showed up to do any work. Last
   fall the Army hired Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root to
   "draw up a plan for supporting U.S. troops in Iraq, covering
   everything from handling the dead to managing airports," according to
   Newhouse News Service. But apparently insurance rates for civilian
   contractors skyrocketed as the war progressed, and now its getting
   "harder and harder to get (civilian contractors) to go in harm's way,"
   according to Lt. Gen. Charles S. Mahan, the Army's logistics chief.
   The consequence of this is that troops stationed in Iraq have been
   living in squalid conditions, camping in primitive shelters with no
   means of air conditioning, using plywood latrines, and going without
   fresh food and showers. So I guess this is Halliburton's idea of
   supporting the troops. Boy, I'm glad the Army chose to hire a company
   that was so obviously well-prepared for this work.

   9 Pat Snyder    Hypocrisy Booze Sex accident/medical
   Next stop, Wisconsin, for the trifecta of hypocritical conservative
   idiocy: booze, strippers, and a motorcycle accident. According to last
   week's Wausa Daily Herald, conservative talk radio host Pat Snyder
   crashed his motorcycle into a traffic sign post, breaking an arm and a
   leg. On Monday, listeners to WSAU-AM were informed that Snyder had
   been involved in an accident, but they were not given any details
   about the event. Which is a shame. Because they likely would have been
   shocked to learn that this paragon of conservative virtue had gotten
   himself blitzed at a quaint little establishment called "Showtime" -
   which just happens to be a strip club. The bartender called a cab, but
   Pat decided it would be better to just drive home drunk. Said Snyder
   "I guess I didn't practice what I preached." Typical conservative.

   10 Tom Reynolds     Dumb Dumb
   And finally, Pat Snyder wasn't the only conservative idiot in
   Wisconsin last week. On Thursday, Wisconsin state Senator Tom Reynolds
   vowed to fight against the confirmation of Helene Nelson as head of
   the state Department of Health and Family Services. Said Reynolds, "I
   will do everything I can to thwart her appointment." But It turns out
   that there's really nothing Reynolds can do to stop the appointment,
   because she was confirmed by the Senate a month and a half ago, on
   June 24. (For the record, Reynolds voted "yes", along with everyone
   else in the Wisconsin Senate.) When Reynolds was informed that the
   confirmation had already been approved, he said "I would have to talk
   to my staff. I'm not sure if that's so." Right. It's not like a state
   Senator should be expected to be able to keep track of such
   unimportant minutiae as whether he voted to confirm a state cabinet
   secretary. See you next week!

   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at: 
        http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html             
        _____________________________________________________

   Just exactly what is conservatism?                                    
   Stripped of all self-bolstering cosmetics and piety, it's nothing but 
   an organized, selfish effort by those who've benefited from past      
   inequities...to hold back a rectifying future.