🚀 go-pugleaf

Take Back The Night Before Christmas  
(apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas
In a Chebucto house
A lonely old gal
was getting thoroughly soused.

One stocking was hung, 
by the green plastic tree,
And the mangy cat yawned
as it scratched at a flea.

Her children were snuggled,
all safe in their beds,
in a far away province,
while she shook her head.

The kind of a fate
that every mom fears
She hadn't a card or
a letter in years.

Then from her computer
arose such a chatter
she jumped up and stumbled
to silence the clatter.

Her email alert
had sounded again. 
Ten messages "In"
from those filthy Bronze men.

Away to her keyboard
she flew like a flash
she started to read
teeth starting to gnash.

Thick dust on the crest 
of the screen's dim orange glow
just barely allowed her 
to see words below.

When what to her wondering
eyes did appear?
8 brutal flames!
and two dirty smears!

From their razor sharped
tongues, folks so smart and quick
She knew in an instant
the Bronze had her licked.

More rapid than eagles
their zingers they came
And she shouted and cursed
as she read off their names.

Now Christie! Now Jenkins!
Now Burford and Poole!
Now Dexter and Steiger
misogynist fools!

And colonized, miserable
turncoat Michelle?
For women like her
there's a special hell!

As dry leaves that before
the wild hurricane fly, 
When they meet with an obstacle, 
mount to the sky,

So down to the floor,
empty beer cans they flew
As she reached with her arm
For a Prozac or two.

Then in a twinkling
she thought of a plan
Another complaint
'bout that horrible man!

He came round her house
'bout this time every year
the kind of a man
any woman would fear.

Her fingers they trembled 
as they started to pound
"I don't know his name
but he's fat, red and round"

"Wears wire frame glasses
has a funny red nose
Looks a bit like my ex
...better looking, God knows."

"Gawdhepus, we got to
arrest him before
he climbs down my chimney
or breaks down my door!"

"You see a fat man
and 8 tiny reindeer
you know as a woman
you've got much to fear!"

"A gal meets a rapist
'bout 4 times an hour
you'd best be prepared.
He'll try to deflower."

"So if you see a man
and he starts to say 'Ho,'
Spray him with pepper
and race through the snow."

"A world filled with men
is a terrible fright.
But with proper protection
We'll take back the night!"