🚀 go-pugleaf

In article <2iiniv0bmv4t5v4dvik7lf5nh2ee65ruvu@4ax.com>, Scott in
Aztlan <qinencnyn@lnubb.pbz> wrote:

> Later on, Johnny came up with "The Aunt Marsha Game." He collected a
> bunch of sound bytes of Aunt Marsha saying various bizarre things,
> like "I've got to go take a nap now" or "My grilled cheese sandwich
> is burning on the stove." He also had a tape of her saying "Hello,"
> and a second one of her saying "this is Marsha Brandmeier." The
> latter two tapes were under Johnny's direct control (i.e. he could
> play either tape at will) but the rest were selected and played
> randomly.

On a comedy mp3 newsgroup I've encountered prank calls that where
someone has assembled a series of phrases of Joe Pesci, or Arnold
Schartenegger or others.  He apparently has the samaples wired to his
keyboard and plays them in direct response to questions/answers.  And
really gets people pissed off since the phrases are aggressive by
design.  It's funny but creepy too.
 
> We all know that telemarketers use computerized equipment to make
> outgoing telemarketing calls. A computer (sometimes called a
> "predictive dialer") dials a number and waits for an answer. It then
> "listens" to the sound and attempts to distinguish a live human from
> an answering machine (live humans say "Hello? <pause>" whereas
> answering machines say "You have reached 555-1212. No one is
> available to take your call right now...") So if the predictive
> dialer "hears" a brief burst of speech followed by silence, it
> assumes there is a live human on the line and transfers the call to
> an available human operator to begin the sales pitch. OTOH, if the
> predictive dialer hears an answering machine, it just hangs up.
>
> Now imagine you had your own Aunt Marsha game, only instead of
> placing calls and playing tapes of a batty old lady, your machine
> accepts INCOMING calls (specifically calls from telemarketers). The
> "Aunt Marsha Game Device" (AMGD) consists of an upgrade orphan PC, an
> attached voice modem, and a little software. The software essentially
> plays one of a series of digitized audio files at random when it
> detects that the person on the other end of the line has stopped
> talking (i.e. the same technique used by predictive dialers to
> distinguish a live human from an answering machine). Attach the
> device to your phone line and let the fun begin!

It's a funny idea. But it takes a certain expense, allows the
opportunity to tie-up your phone line all day and in the end just
torments a minimum-wage (or worse!) schlub from making a few measly
bucks extra.  I pity them all.

It seems I've wasted endless hours at the dinner table with friends or
co-workers listening to diablic plots to make miserable these
sad-sacks.  I've probably heard 50 different "get-even" approaches or
smart aleck come-backs or whatever.  Imagine if we could harness that
energy and blabber and put it to work generating electricity!

My approach is to hang up as soon as I hear the silence generated
between transfer to the galley-ship or the stuttering intro being read
from a bay of oarsmen.  As soon as I hear it the phone goes to the
cradle. Three seconds later they are forgotten.  Doesn't that seem more
"efficient"?

> Telemarketer:
> Hello! I'm calling from the ACME Widget Company! How are you today?
> Aunt Marsha: "I haven't had lunch yet." 

Okay, this stuff is funny.  But still, am I actually sitting there
listening to this? Jeez, I haven't even had my lunch yet...

> How many precious minutes will a typical telemarketer waste before
> giving up and hanging up on the sweet (but confused) little old lady?

How many hours and dollars spent before this new "hobby" has lost my
interest.  I mean, honestly, I already have about 8 hobbies too
many--and they're actually fun!

> Now, I realize I'm not the first person to come up with the idea of
> playing games wth telemarketers or of wasting their time to make
> their enterprise as unprofitable as possible. However, unlike other
> "toy with the telemarketer" schemes, the Aunt Marsha Game lets you
> waste the telemarketers' time *without wasting your own*. No need to
> get up from the dinner table to have fun with a telemarketer! Just
> let the AMGD take the call, then later when you're relaxing with your
> coffee and slice of cake you can play the call back and laugh our ass
> off!

How do you avoid this mechanism coming in contact with your boss,
calling you at home for an emergency response to a client's deluded
demands?
 
> Also consider the poetic justice of fighting fire with fire (or, in
> this case, fighting a computerized predictive dialer with a
> computerized predictive responder). In essence, the AMGD uses the
> telemarketer's own techniques and technology against them! How
> perfect is that?!?!?!?!? :)
> 
> I welcome your comments and suggestions regarding my ideas. 

Actually Iike the idea of a very simple machine, not a orphaned
computer and home-made software.  Just like a very very cheap answering
machine. Or hell--build it right *IN* a garden-variety answering
machine.  If it could actually read an initial true line-silence and
conclude it is really a predictive dialer. Then play an outgoing
message of some kind. "Tell your supervisor that you've had another
'Phone Nuisance Intercept'(tm) response today."  Eventually they'd
realize the .4% hit rate isn't worth the business anymore.

There are myriad other foils being invented, probably as we speak.  I
know the Government (tm), has some really important looking bills they
are bluffing the electorate with, which I assume will make a bee-line
for the drain in a few months more.  Bullshit "databases" and such.

> (*) The AMGD works best in conjunction with a service like "Privacy
> Manager" or "Security Screen" - services which prevent "Private" and
> "Out of Area" calls from ringing through to your phone. Telemarketers
> get around this by programmig their outbound phone equipment to
> deliver a number (usually the 800 number for their main incoming
> sales line) and thus bypass your Privacy Manager - however, that also
> makes them identifiable to the AMGD.

And look at how much more time they have tried from our lives in this
little discussion...

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