🚀 go-pugleaf

In article <1992Nov23.182447.29317@srg.srg.af.mil>, dpipes@spica.srg (Dave Pipes x4552) writes:
|> In article <Nov22.230654.45607@yuma.ACNS.ColoState.EDU> randal@pylon.physics.colostate.edu (randal rheinheimer) writes:
|> >I've come across a problem in my all-too-amateurish writing and am asking those  
|> >more experienced (or just more imaginative) for help.  There is a certain flow  
|> >I wish to maintain in putting a thought or a description inside a spoken  
|> >sentence, but no particular construction seems right to me.  Here is an example  
|> >of the sort of thing I'm working with:
|> >
|> >She said, "I'm posting you about my problem--" Her hands became clumsy on the  
|> >keyboard. "--and I hope you're able to help me."
|> >
|> >That's the best construction I had come up with, so I knew that it was past  
|> >time to get help; it's just not right to put a complete sentence in the middle  
|> >of the spoken phrase.  Possibly the dashes could be placed outside the  
|> >quotation marks:
|> >
|> > . . problem," --her hands became clumsy on the keyboard-- "and . . .
|> >
|> >A large part of the problem is that the flow, the feel of the passage is  
|> >destroyed if I put the description somewhere more convenient.  Any  
|> >ideas--parentheses, maybe?
|> 
|> What about just interposing a phrase, more like an image, to give the reader
|> the effect of a glance:
|> 
|>      She said, "I'm posting you about my problem--" (clumsy hands fumbled the
|> keys) "--and I hope you're able to help me".
|> 
|> Hmmm...doesn't look as good on the screen as I had hoped.  Maybe use your
|> first version, with a few small changes:
|> 
|>      She said, "I'm posting you about this problem" - her hands became clumsy
|> on the keyboard - "and I hope you're able to help me".  
|> 
|> This is a bit better at creating the speech embedded in a sentence feeling,
|> rather than the more awkward interposed phrase.  Opinions?
|> 
|> 	David Pipes

How about:

"I'm posting you about my problem," she said as her hands fell clumsily upon the
keys, "and I hope you're able to help me."

The pattern is thus:

	"[quote]," [person] [said] [as] [description], "[rest of quote]."

Be creative when filling in the template.  For instance, [said] could be "said",
"exclaimed", "whailed", etc. and [as] could be "as", "while", "during", etc.

Hope this helps to trigger some thoughts...

-- 
                                                                     Cheers,

                                                          Jeffery A. Bechdol
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  IBM/ABS System Design II
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