🚀 go-pugleaf

wrightd@magic.mb.ca (David C. Wright) writes:
>In group soc.women, article <4mg2c5$e6q@news.ccit.arizona.edu>,
>ruskinr@aruba.ccit.arizona.edu (Robert H Ruskin) wrote:
>>I have been informed that I have NEVER gone out an a "date" with my friends 
>>(though we have gone to some really nice events); but rather that "We 
>>went out as friends". If you ask me we went out on a non-romantic date; 
[...]
>That's because the term 'date' has come to imply a sexual commitment,
>rather than merely a platonic association.  If a woman now admits to
>'dating' you, she is effectively committing herself sexually in theory if
>not in fact - others will assume that the two of you are either having sex,
>or intend to.  In the past, that was not the case.  It is simpler to simply
>accommodate the shift in terminology, and agree that anything prior to a
>sexual commitment is 'just going out as friends', and anything after that
>as 'dating'.  If a woman agrees that she is 'dating' you, you can take that
>as a tacit admission that she has serious feelings towards you, even if you
>have not actually had sex yet.  The collary, of course, is that if she
>admits that you and her are 'dating', you are now expected to forego
>dalliances with any other female.
>
>The age of the person you are seeing is also a factor, which must be taken
>into account.  If the other person is in their thirties, they may still use
>the old definitions, and in the twenties, they are almost certainly using
>the new definitions.  In the borderline areas, you have to kind of feel
>your way around to decide which definitions apply.  However, if you go out
>a few times and expect to go out again, and the other person is still not
>referring to it as a date, you can assume you are using the new definitions.

Argh, noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

*ahem*  sorry.

But it's all a horrible trap.  There are a bunch of labelled boxes for
interpersonal relationships, bandied about in society.  When people
form relationships with other people, they try to stick those
relationships into one of the pre-labelled boxes, for the sake of
convenience.  Once you've put the relationship in a labelled box, you
know a lot of things about it, without having to talk them all out.
Eventually, you can move on to a different box.  This usually takes
some talking, or negotiation, where you both agree on the new label.

The catch:  Each person inherits a somewhat different set of
assumptions to put in their boxes.  As you so aptly demonstrate, you
may be "dating" someone, and they may be "dating" you, and you may
both use those words, but mean totally different things.  And you may
not even notice that there's a problem, until you decide to try to
move the relationship into a new box.

In other words, DON'T ASSUME, ASK!

You can reflect all you want on the various different meanings these
terms have for different people, how the meanings came to be, who's
more likely to subscribe to which...  But when you're dealing with a
real person, who you're having a relationship with, forget it.  Just
talk to them about what you want, think, mean, etc.  Don't assume that
your terms and their terms match - explore, question, describe, show.
Don't assume that because they're in their twenties or their forties,
drive a volvo or a truck, or whatever, that it means you can assume
what they mean by "dating", "seeing", "committed", etc.  Don't even
assume the meanings behind actions - for example, some people won't
have sex unless they plan to marry that person; other people have sex
often with their friends and don't ever want to marry anyone.  There
is no way to know other than to ask.

Throw out the boxes you inherited while growing up,
and make your own new box together.

  --  Cos (Ofer Inbar)  --  cos@leftbank.com  cos@cs.brandeis.edu
  --  WBRS (100.1 FM)   --  WBRS@brandeis.edu http://www.wbrs.org/
   Love: a blurring of the distinction between selfish and selfless.