🚀 go-pugleaf

[Originally, this topic was in oh.general. It is being placed in other
groups that seem relevant. Followups have not been set. If you like this,
send email, as I don't cover all the groups regularly.]

Well, as promised, I found the bit of humor I did a while back concerning
the origin of our city's name. This was originally put on E.C., so if it
looks familiar, HIDE! :>

We begin with a little background, and then progress (digress?) to my
theory... 

[ Begin ]
Message #16
From: Zooom 722
To: RFSJ 994
Date: 09-14-92 16:27:40
Subject: Good luck!
 
Sounds like a good idea to me. I volunteered to moderate a sig dedicated
to covering all Central Ohio Cluster Fucks a couple of years ago but I
never even got my Cluster Fuck sig!! 
                                               o
                                            _ /-_,
Zooom.    .   .   .   .  .  .  ............(_)>(_)
 
 
Message #17
From: Mr. ? 1410
To: Zooom 722
Date: 09-15-92 13:36:38
Subject: Cluster fuck sig
 
You never got it because you was gonna talk about small, individual
cluster fucks! Everybody knows by now that Central Ohio is just one BIG
cluster fuck! That's why I'm petitioning to change the name of the city! I
can see the billboard at the airport now..... 
 
     WELCOME TO CLUSTER FUCK, OHIO
         Mayor Gregory S. Lashutka
 
 
Message #18
From: Dionisio 113
To: Mr. ? 1410
Date: 09-16-92 10:17:38
Subject: Cluster Fuck, Ohio
 
Actually the word "Columbus" is a compound word. Unfortunately, when the
word was made, very few people actually knew how to spell correctly. Thus
the same words would often be spelled many different ways. Alas, the name
of our fair city did suffer that fate. 
 
In actuality, the meaning of the word "columbus" has nothing to do with
proper names for people. The entire Christopher Columbus story is nothing
but a fabrication! The respected and renouned Mr. Webster, was a prude.
Upon finding the true meaning of the word columbus, he immediatly set
about supressing the original definition and DELIBERATLY embraced the
incorrect spelling as a further attempt at deception. Indeed, one can no
longer find the original meaning in ANY dictionary published today! 
 
What was the original meaning? And why the grand subterfuge? The
Intellectual People Serving You (T.I.P.S.Y.) - a nonprofit organization -
has delved long and hard into forgotten texts, long months for these very
answers. The conclusions we have reached are astounding! Mr. Webster's
fabrication - and resultant mythology about a nonexistant Christopher
Columbus - was sheer brilliance! It had absoultely NOTHING to do with
columbus's actual meaning. The word is actually compound in origin. It is
a joining of the words "column" and "bus". Due to the primitive conditions
of academia at the time the word was invented, the "n" in column was
accidentally dropped, and stayed dropped. The word is thought to have been
first uttered circa the end of the Middle Ages. Just before the real
beginning of the Industrial Revolution, the word is in frequent use. 
 
All right, I'll get to the meaning! <Sheesh!> Towards the end of the
Middle Ages, the world - and especially Europe - experienced a truely
massive population boom. (Much like the "Baby Boom" the U.S. experienced a
short time back.) When the young gentlemen's hormones started kicking in,
they shortly made vast nuisances of themselves, and "sullied" truely vast
amounts of previously unsullied females. This upset well-to-do parents
quite a bit! (The women themselves appeared not to object.) One
enterprising parent, a Sir Thomas Phalon, devised a method of
circumventing all this unwanted activity. He developed the predessor to
the modern whore house. In a sudden flash of inspiration, he thought, "why
not give these lusty youths a central location to converge upon, and
experienced women to slake their thirsts?" Thusly, he bought a building in
the outlaying countryside of what is now Paris. (Its not called the "City
of love" for nothing!) And then proceeded to convince the street walkers
of the time that they could operate in greater comfort, and have more
security (Plus three sumptuous meals a day) if they agreed to his little
plan. Needless to say, he had MANY harlots begging on his doorstep in a
short period of time. (Which is most likely the reason that his wife
divorced him and the city fathers ordered him to continue with his plan.
Seems the shortage of prostitutes - who were originally fairly well
distributed within the city - was causing quite a to do.)
 
So, Sir Phallon quickly bought other places, both within and outside the
city, for his enterprise. (And, incidently, also became the founder of the
science of demographics.) In order to keep his business steady, he then
ordered the building of several large coaches. The purpose of which was to
see to it that the richer of his customers could relax whilst traveling to
and from a Sir Phalon's House of Pleasure. (And other things too.) These
coaches were called "columbuses". Which is a crude, but effective,
reference to a certain portion of the male anatomy, and the word "bus". 
 
Not only has Mr. Webster perverted the original meaning of the word, and
invented a fictional dogma of how European man made it to the Americas, he
also set out to destroy any connection to the original meaning. Sadly, the
only words left which convey even the faintest meaning of the original are
the terms "Whore House" and Phallic. Whore house is a derogatory meaning
not thought up by Webster, but not quashed by him either. (Seems that
large numbers of unsullied women decided to become workers at Sir Phalon's
Pleasure Houses. Which, quite naturally, upset the parents all over
again.) "Phalic" is a kind of tribute by Webster. Though he was quite the
prude, he also realized what a valuable service Sir Phalon was performing.
So, he merely changed the meaning to an amusing little definition, which
gave a subtle glimpse into the original meaning, and dropped the "proper
noun" specification. 
 
We at T.I.P.S.Y. hope you find this information both inciteful and useful!
[ End ]

And NOW you KNOW!

--
And the Thought of the Moment (tm) is...

All the world's a stage, but most of us are stage hands.